I have heard it said that the only great subject for a book is the story of the hero. At first glance my book “Forgive Myself” is anything but that. I wrote it as my way of facing and forgiving myself for a youth largely misspent on a myriad of addictions, self-destruction's and defeats that are not the result of, but were impacted by the tumultuous cultural revolution of the sixties. Born in New York City to a family who were wealthy in material comforts but destitute in human caring, I was institutionalized at 13 and diagnosed as schizophrenic in my mid-twenties. After 25 years of in-depth psychoanalysis I married and began a family only to have it destroyed by a car accident that I was responsible for and in which my eldest son was killed. The sense of personal failure and profound despair this event plunged me into precipitated a journey of healing that gradually depended on a realization of my deepest creativity and an acknowledgment of my fullest humanity. Today, remarried with four children, a painter, poet, and photographer I look back at my life and see that I have been on a hero’s journey. The last stage of that journey is to return to the world and offer what the hero has found. What I have found is the knowledge that no matter how life threatening it feels to face the pain, sadness, self-hatred and rage that one has buried as a child (which cripples all our adult capacity for a full life) it can be exhumed, embraced and released. As painful as it is, it will not kill you. We live in a world where the news is replete with stories of celebrity addictions and self-destructive behaviors. We feast on the superficial details but rarely learn what are at the root of these destructive compulsions. We see that while the whole world admires and loves these people they are incapable of loving themselves. This is the hero’s journey that so many of us must take. If unconditional love was unavailable in our families we must make the journey through forgiveness for our imagined shortcomings and learn to embrace, with love, the rich humanity of ourselves. As candid as my story is, it took me over a year to resolve to self-publish it for those who already know and love me. Since then I have spent two more years thinking about whether I wanted to try and find a wider readership or whether it was something I was not ready to share with the world. Today I know I have been able to forgive myself and whatever other’s might judge of my life is their business, not mine. I am left with the hope my story might resonate, inspire or give hope to other fellow travelers who struggle on their own journey of life. While I have read many wonderful memoirs such as The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls and Swallow the Ocean by Laura M. Flynn etc. I feel my story is different and unique as it briefly describes some of the childhood issues in the first chapter but the remainder of the book is about how these wounds impacted my life and how I eventually was able to heal them. Although my book deals with issues of grief, loss and healing it is in no way an unremittingly dark saga. I believe it contains much humor, adventure, self-awareness and love. Besides being a portrait of an injured man, it is also the story of a resilient and strong man that has many personal resources, not the least of which is a rich creativity. So there is much about the journey of an artist inspired by a time, the 60s, which valued and encouraged self-expression and individual freedom. Forgive Myself is also a book that details an uncommon self-awareness that was the result of a lifetime spent in intensive therapy. As a boy growing up in a family that was in deep denial of its own humanity, I depended upon reading to mirror my inner emotional world. Literature was the single most important connection I had to the human experience. I wrote poetry from the age of nine and dreamt someday of adding my own contribution to the inquiry of what it means to be human. I was a poet and songwriter for many years but after the death of my son found painting as the lifeline that helped me survive. Years after I began painting I learned that there was a precedent for this and it was being called Outsider Art. For certain people visual art is a survival tool that helps them deal with trauma. A number of issues and themes are an important aspect of my book. When I was given the diagnosis of Schizophrenia forty years ago it felt like a death sentence. Much of the information that I read gave me little hope for recovery. I wish to add my own experience to what is known about this disease. While sibling violence is perhaps the most common and devastating abuse in American families the subject is largely unpublicized and unstudied. Sibling violence results in psychological trauma and frequently leads to self-destructive behavior and violence. Sibling violence and its impact on myself is an important part of my story. Robbing the elderly is a billion dollar industry in this country but the crimes are rarely reported and the perpetrators less frequently brought to justice. Sex addiction, one of the most pervasive addictions in our culture, has only lately been addressed, and often still is frequently only considered on the most sensational and superficial level. My book offers a candid discussion of this intimacy disorder. Finally I believe self-love is the central theme of this book. How does one process the shame of being unloved by those who are most important to one and how does one forgive oneself for the often aberrant behavior this commonly leads to, and how does one embrace ones full humanity, dark shadow and bright light and learn to love oneself. I believe Forgive Myself is a testament to the possibility of healing a deeply wounded self.
Born in New York City to a family who were wealthy in material comforts but destitute in human caring, I was institutionalized at 13 and diagnosed as schizophrenic in my mid-twenties. After 25 years of in-depth psychoanalysis I married and began a family only to have it destroyed by a car accident that I was responsible for and in which my eldest son was killed.
The sense of personal failure and profound despair this event plunged me into precipitated a journey of healing that gradually depended on a realization of my deepest creativity and an acknowledgment of my fullest humanity.
Today, remarried with four children, a painter, poet, and photographer I look back at my life and see that I have been on a hero’s journey. The last stage of that journey is to return to the world and offer what the hero has found.
What I have found is the knowledge that no matter how life threatening it feels to face the pain, sadness, self-hatred and rage that one has buried as a child (which cripples all our
adult capacity for a full life) it can be exhumed, embraced and released. As painful as it is, it will not kill you.
We live in a world where the news is replete with stories of celebrity addictions and self-destructive behaviors. We feast on the superficial details but rarely learn what are at the root of these destructive compulsions. We see that while the whole world admires and loves these people they are incapable of loving themselves.
This is the hero’s journey that so many of us must take. If unconditional love was unavailable in our families we must make the journey through forgiveness for our imagined
shortcomings and learn to embrace, with love, the rich humanity of ourselves.
As candid as my story is, it took me over a year to resolve to self-publish it for those who already know and love me. Since then I have spent two more years thinking about whether I wanted to try and find a wider readership or whether it was something I was not ready to share with the world.
Today I know I have been able to forgive myself and whatever other’s might judge of my life is their business, not mine. I am left with the hope my story might resonate, inspire or give hope to other fellow travelers who struggle on their own journey of life.
While I have read many wonderful memoirs such as The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls and Swallow the Ocean by Laura M. Flynn etc. I feel my story is different and unique as it briefly describes some of the childhood issues in the first chapter but the remainder of the book is about how these wounds impacted my life and how I eventually was able to heal them.
Although my book deals with issues of grief, loss and healing it is in no way an unremittingly dark saga. I believe it contains much humor, adventure, self-awareness and love.
Besides being a portrait of an injured man, it is also the story of a resilient and strong man
that has many personal resources, not the least of which is a rich creativity. So there is much
about the journey of an artist inspired by a time, the 60s, which valued and encouraged self-expression and individual freedom.
Forgive Myself is also a book that details an uncommon self-awareness that was the result of a lifetime spent in intensive therapy. As a boy growing up in a family that was in deep denial of its own humanity, I depended upon reading to mirror my inner emotional world. Literature was the single most important connection I had to the human experience. I wrote poetry from the age of nine and dreamt someday of adding my own contribution to the inquiry of what it means to be human. I was a poet and songwriter for many years but after the death of my son found painting as the lifeline that helped me survive. Years after I began painting I learned that there was a precedent for this and it was being called Outsider Art. For certain people visual art is a survival tool that helps them deal with trauma.
A number of issues and themes are an important aspect of my book.
When I was given the diagnosis of Schizophrenia forty years ago it felt like a death sentence. Much of the information that I read gave me little hope for recovery. I wish to add
my own experience to what is known about this disease.
While sibling violence is perhaps the most common and devastating abuse in American families the subject is largely unpublicized and unstudied. Sibling violence
results in psychological trauma and frequently leads to self-destructive behavior and violence. Sibling violence and its impact on myself is an important part of my story.
Robbing the elderly is a billion dollar industry in this country but the crimes are rarely reported and the perpetrators less frequently brought to justice.
Sex addiction, one of the most pervasive addictions in our culture, has only lately been addressed, and often still is frequently only considered on the most sensational and superficial level. My book offers a candid discussion of this intimacy disorder.
Finally I believe self-love is the central theme of this book. How does one process the shame of being unloved by those who are most important to one and how does one forgive oneself for the often aberrant behavior this commonly leads to, and how does one embrace ones full humanity, dark shadow and bright light and learn to love oneself. I believe Forgive Myself is a testament to the possibility of healing a deeply wounded self.