Writerpedia discussion
contest & events
>
Editor vs Writer Contest
date
newest »
newest »
This is a very interesting exercise, thanks for charing your writer concerns and congratulations for having your story published.For me, E2 looks great!
I find B2 to be slightly more captivating as an opening sentence.E1 is stylistically more appealing to me, more simplistic, yet to the point.
Congrats on the publication!
Going slightly against the grain so far, I prefer B1 and E1.To me, B2 doesn't flow so well and I don't think it is as punchy.
I like the fact that E1 is more concise.
There are some interesting things going on in B1 and B2 that make them very different: With B1, we read the time (a return after 20 years, but the action is happening now) before Romans, so we know they aren't ancient romans.
In B2, we have Romans doing something in the past tense - they could be ancient Romans! - and then we read the time (last June) and are forced to readjust our perceptions.
Which one works better would depend on the tone of the rest of the piece, I guess.
I also think E1 wins, although I liked the beginning of E2.
I liked B2 and E1 best, but I'm a fan of tight writing, making every word count.
B2 and E2.B2 starts with an action, 'Romans roamed'. That pulls the reader in much better than a mere adverbial clause.
E2 separates two actions into their own sentences, without the weakening 'but' between them. The sentences really have nothing to do with each other, and in fact show the narrator and the Romans going their separate ways, so linking them is actually contrary to the sense.
And the winners are: B2 with four votes. (B1 had one). And E1 with five votes (E2 had two).Ilima, Carlos, Trevor, Yossarian, Kevin, Beth and Marc, thank you so much for taking the time to vote.
My original writings were B2 and E2.
B2. Romans roamed the streets of Lugo, my hometown in northwestern Spain, the day I arrived last June.
E2. That very night, the Roman legions broke their camps and left to conquer new lands. I left too, two weeks later, reluctant and yet content, the memories of my childhood not replaced but enhanced by new ones.
And so my special thanks go to Marc who expressed so well why B2 and E2 work better (in his and my opinion).
After the article is published (It is scheduled to appear in the Travel section of the Philadelphia Inquirer some time in the future), I will post it in my Goodreads site.
Happy writings to all,
Carmen
I know everyone voted but I just came on board. Here's my take. B2 sounds much more original but I'm not sure I like the Romans roamed part. It doesn't flow for me. Its sticks out, but not effectively. My immediate thought is someone needs a thesaurus. I especially liked "reluctant and yet content" in E2 and the style of writing expresses that but I think it needs some cleaning up. What I would have done is combine E1 and E2.....Leave E2 as is but eliminate too,two and end with the simplicity of E1.... the memories of my childhood enhanced by new ones.
For those of you who live in the Philadelphia area and are interested in the whole article, you can find it this week-end in the Travel section, Personal Journey of the Philadelphia Inquirer.I will wait a week to respect the contract, and then I will post it in my GoodReads profile.
Again thank you so much for your comments.
Carmen
As I writer I was always told the importance of the beginning and ending of the story. I was advised to get down and dirty in the first line to get the reader’s attention and to wrap the story with an ending that would bring it back to the beginning.
I just finished a short piece for a local paper. After being accepted, I received an edited version. The editor had only changed two paragraphs: the first and the last. So, it seems, I have not learned my lesson. Except that I still think my version is better.
That is why I am starting this thread. I would love to know which version (the editor’s or mine), other writers think works better and why.
I am including the two versions of both the first and last paragraphs in random order. I promise to let you know which one receives the most votes, even if it is not mine.
Looking forward to your input.
Carmen Ferreiro-Esteban
Editor vs Writer Contest
B1. After being away for 20 years, I returned to my hometown of Lugo, in northwestern Spain, to find Romans roaming the streets
B2. Romans roamed the streets of Lugo, my hometown in northwestern Spain, the day I arrived last June.
E1. The Roman legions broke their camps that night, but I stayed for two more weeks, the memories of my childhood enhanced by new ones.
E2. That very night, the Roman legions broke their camps and left to conquer new lands. I left too, two weeks later, reluctant and yet content, the memories of my childhood not replaced but enhanced by new ones.