Writing Passionates discussion
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do we post the link or the story?
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Okay. It's a work in progress and I have much more posted on my profile. The astericks(*) indicate change of POV or scenery.Imperfect Law
Audrey stepped off the bus in a small sleepy town nestled in the Rocky Mountains and scanned her surroundings. The bus schedule identified the town as Colbert, Colorado and the bus station was nothing more than a stand with a few travel brochures strewn on the counter. A pair of passing teenagers cast curious glances her way. Audrey suddenly realized that she must look conspicuous. This was obviously a town that got very few visitors other than family and here she was, stepping off the bus with only a green duffel and in rumpled clothing that showed evidence of much travel. Will I be safe here?
“Hi,” a small voice said behind her. She whirled to face the voice and found herself staring down into the face of a young boy about 6 years old.
“Well, hello there young man,” Audrey said grinning broadly at him. “Do you know where there is a hotel that I can stay at?” He nodded, his shaggy light brown hair flopping around his head.
“Can you show me where it is?” He shook his head, his large hazel eyes glimmering with curiosity and mischief.
“Is there someone who can?” This time he nodded and turned to run down the street.
Audrey assumed he would get his mother and so she set her duffel on the counter and stretched her tired muscles. The buses she had taken between stints of hitchhiking had been few along her journey from Chicago. When she had finally realized the need to get away after that near fatal "accident", she had thrown what was absolutely necessary in that small duffel and run with no destination in mind.
Audrey’s mind turned back to reality as she suddenly noticed the cold wind that blew down through the main street. She reached for her bag to get her jacket. It was a little thin, but it kept the bulk of the wind from piercing to her skin. She turned back to watch the direction the little boy had run, as she did so, she saw him turn the corner dragging a man behind him. Audrey picked up her bag. Her pulse quickened when she saw that he was wearing a policeman's uniform.
“Is this the lady Conner?” he asked the little boy who enthusiastically nodded his head. “Ma’am I understand you’re looking for lodgings.” He smiled widely, showing laugh lines that were evidence of many joyful years despite the fact that he looked only a few years older than her twenty-eight years.
Audrey hesitated, unsure whether to trust him. She took the chance. “Yes, I think I’d like to stay here for a short while. Young Conner here said there was a hotel I could stay at.”
“There is, but Carl and Nellie closed it down and headed down to Arizona for the winter,” he informed her. Disappointment flickered in her eyes and he added, “But I know a lady who has a room you’d be welcome to.”
“Thank you,” Audrey said gratefully with a small smile. “I’d like that.” Audrey now turned to Conner, smile widening. “And thank you too,” she added reaching out to tousle his hair. He grinned up at her with a smile lacking a few teeth.
“I’m Sheriff Derek Holden, the man said.
Audrey shook his outstretched hand, hesitated and introduced herself, “Audrey, Audrey Blythe.”
"Well, Miss Blythe," the sheriff began.
"Audrey," she insisted quickly, feeling like the biggest liar in the world when she heard that name. She knew that her life depended on anonymity, but that did not effect her guilt.
"Audrey," he continued, "this little gremlin is my son, Conner."
Audrey bent down with a smile, "Hello Conner, it's nice to meet you."
Conner grinned again. "Conner," the sheriff piped in, "welcome Miss Audrey to town." Conner's grin widened and he suddenly launched himself at her to give her a hug. The move was so unexpected that Audrey dropped her bag and almost fell backward, but Sheriff Holden quickly reached out to steady her. When Conner turned her loose, Audrey was holding back tears. The kindness of these total strangers touched something in her that had been frozen by fear and sparked an emotion that she hadn't felt in a long time, hope.
****************
"Okay," Sheriff Holden said, reaching towards her bag. Instantly, Audrey stiffened and grabbed the handle before he could. He glanced at her but said nothing.
The temperature had dropped several degrees and Audrey shivered as the chill of the rising winds pierced her jacket. Sheriff Holden noticed and thought to give her his jacket since he had on multiple layers, but checked himself as he realized something. She didn't trust him enough to accept it. He had seen the uncertainty and fear in her eyes before she could hide it. Her eyes had remained neutral when conversing with him save for a flicker of disappointment, then a sheen of tears glazing them as Conner hugged her. She was wary of him, he could tell by the way she stood, as far away from him as she could without seeming too obvious.
"Sheriff," Audrey began.
"Please, Derek. I only go by sheriff if it's official business," he replied, trying to put her more at ease.
"Derek, is there any place around here that I can get a job?" She inquired.
"Well, I'm not quite sure. I can check around, see if anybody needs a hand. In the meantime though, it looks like it's gonna flurry so we'd best get you settled and I bet you could use a good hot meal. You look chilled to the bone." As he finished, the first snowflakes began to fall. Audrey reluctantly admitted to the truth of that statement and followed him around the corner and to his patrol car while Conner skipped ahead of them, catching snowflakes on his tongue.
The only chink Audrey's armour, Derek noticed, appeared with Conner. She seemed to have a weakness for his young son. When she talked to Conner her mocha brown eyes softened and a smile played on her lips, the same expression she had now as she watched him frolic ahead of them.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/1...
5000 characters?1 page.
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Could we change the limit to between 5,000 and 6,000 characters since it's not really a ton of words?
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Okay, that sounds fair. So that's two pages or so.
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How about we have two competitions. One for 5000-6000 characters and one for 1000-4000 characters?
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It was a humid, sweltering evening of summer. The sky was tucked in with a dark, indigo blanket of night. A handful of stars were scattered across it, sparkling and shining brilliantly. A silent, still calm was set upon the normally busy city, as if the world was holding its breath for something to happen.
Suddenly, the peaceful night was disturbed by a light, refreshing breeze. When it passed, two stars shot across the sky, simultaneously, and then left their boundaries, falling slowly to the city ground. Once these two stars hit the hard, black tar, they danced across the streets, their same destination clear to both. If anyone had been looking out their window, they would have been amazed to see two bright silver streaks shooting across the city faster than thinkably possible, but luckily nobody was.
Soon the two stars came to a halt. They were in the middle of a dark, dusty alleyway- a part of a city that was rarely visited. A teenage girl lay on her back in the middle of the hard concrete, her arms and legs spread out as if she was sleeping, but her eyes were open, glazed with fear. The first, bigger star turned to the other one- a smaller star that shone less brightly.
“You know what to do?” The bigger star asked the smaller one.
The smaller one seemed to compose itself, then nodded hesitantly. “I think so...”
The bigger star felt uneasy with the smaller star's lack of confidence. “You know, you don't have to do this. I can do it myself. This is a very important job- it's a lot of pressure.” The star didn't say what it really was thinking- that it didn't trust the smaller star to such an important job.
The younger star shook its head. “No, I can do this,” It said with much more confidence. “I have to prove myself. You taught me well.”
The older star nodded. “I have taught you everything you need to know. I couldn't have had a better apprentice than you. Do not disappoint me, young one.”
The other seemed to shine brighter. “I will not. Believe me, I can do this perfectly. Trust me with it.”
The first star nodded, then took a step back, watching.
Realizing it was all up to itself, the second star went up to the teenage girl's side. It took a deep breath, then touched the girl's skin. Nothing seemed to happen for a few minutes. Then a transparent, silvery shape appeared next to the girl- a tiny baby. The star stepped back towards the first one.
“You finished.” It was not a question.
“Yes, I did,” the younger star breathed, looking proud. “The baby was born exactly one minute ago. I transferred the teenage girl's soul to the newborn.”
The older star turned towards the alley, but the two human beings, one dead and one alive, had disappeared. “You even managed to move them back!” The older star said, impressed.
“Yup!” The younger star grinned. “Are you proud of me or what? Can I become a full-fledged Maker now?”
The older star chuckled. “Not quite yet,” it informed the other. Then it turned serious. “You deleted all the memories and personality, right?”
Suddenly the younger one looked unsure of itself. “What...what do you mean?”
The older one looked afraid now. “You know, deleting all the memories and feelings and personality that the girl had in her life, so that the newborn baby can start afresh?”
The younger one gasped, then looked to the floor. “I...I remember you taught that to me, now. But I...” It looked up at the other star, and wailed with guilt. “I'm sorry, mentor! I didn't! I...I forgot!”
The older one seemed to grow twice in size, billowing with anger. “What did you say? You FORGOT? How could you FORGET? This is a crucial job. I trusted you with it. If something goes wrong...if you make a mistake, it can't be fixed. And you forgot one of the most important things? This will have an impact on the baby's life, young one! Don't you understand? We have just made her life dangerous! This can't be undone!”
The second star flinched and hung its head shamefully. “I'm sorry, I really am...”
“Being sorry won't help,” The first star spat. “Do you even realize what you've done?”
“Yes, I have,” The second replied, then changed tone. “Does this mean I won't ever become a full-fledged Maker now?”
“Of course you won't!” The older star growled. “And your selfishness won't get you anywhere. We have just ruined this tiny baby's life, and all you can think of is yourself?”
The younger star was silent, shaking with regret and fear.
The first star took pity on its apprentice, and its gaze softened. “What's done is done,” it said quietly. “We can't do anything about it now.”
A little relieved, the second star nodded, then shot off towards the sky with no more comment. Soon it was lost to the thousands of other stars in the sky.
The first star stared at the spot where the younger one had left, then turned to the now deserted alley. “May your spirit go in peace,” it murmured, as if speaking to the teenage girl who had died. “And may my foolish apprentice's mistake not take a huge toll on your life,” it said, this time as if to the newborn baby. And then, glancing once more around the city, it too shot up towards the sky, and the night was still once more.
What both stars failed to realize was that a new star had not joined the ranks tonight, as was supposed to happen.
Can it be fan fiction?
Yeah.And great stories, everyone! The judge should be looking at them pretty soon.
Hey has the judging started yet????? This topic seems dead. There haven't been any posts for over a month.
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I will judge your entries since Operandi and Chandani haven't been on for a long time.If your stuff has any mistakes in it, it will be disqualified. Sorry. If it is above or below the limit, then you will also be disqualified.
I will judge your entries in a star format. 1 star is the worst, 5 stars is the best. I will judge it this way in several categories, based on what I think is most important in the story. I will post the winners in order. 1 * means you didn't do so hot, 5 *s means you're well on your way to becoming an author.
Thanks for all the entries everybody!
I'm sorry Mystery Girl. Your entry had two spelling mistakes in it and too many grammar errors. However, I enjoyed it very much and hope you will enter our future contests.
That means your entry won Sella! But I'm going to rate it anyway, 'kay?So, absolutely no spelling or grammar mistakes.
Alrighty. Under the limit, but I'm making an excuse because the word thing I'm using is strange.
Impact: ****
You left me wanting more, and wondering where it was going to go. It made me wonder.
Ending: **
Sorry, but the last sentence didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the story. If it was continued, it would've been perfect.
Description: ****
Great! I could see it in my mind as clearly as if watching it on blue-ray! (sorry, bad simile)
Beginning: ****
Your beginning paragraph did what the best beginning paragraphs do. I felt myself holding my breath with the town. Well done!
So, let's calculate your average. *makes beeping sounds*
*ding* Ah! Your average is 3.2 stars! Well done!
Riley thanks for taking the time to read it. What were the spelling Errors? My spell check must have missed them or they're homonyms and didn't show up.
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Basically, what is 'it'?
Usually, the only time I allow myself to use that phrase is when my characters are talking. I mean, they aren't going to say, "The intensity of the weird event overwhelmed me."
People don't talk like that! But I try to abolish 'it' from my writing in all other situations.
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However, much of the time, the word 'that' can be removed and the sentence will retain its meaning.
Oh, okay, I get it.But my mom, (who's this major grammar freak), says in writing you should avoid using 'that' as much as possible.
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true. very true.THEY ADDED FUNER TO THE DICITONARY!!!! NO LIE!!!! TRUE!!!! SWEAR!!!!
definition: slang for more fun. see FUN
can you believe it?????????
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lol, funer, shouldn't it be funner though?
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For instance, you can instead say, "The snow drifts gently from the clouds."
Is that not much prettier than "It is snowing?"
You see, you must make something DO something instead of an indefinite object BEING something. DOING is much more exciting to read than BEING.
And the phrase is 'it is,' or 'it was' if you are using past tense. 'it' by itself is usually used correctly, but is used incorrectly when in conjunction with 'is.' Of course, sometimes the phrase is used correctly, but that is only when 'it' has a . . . whathyamacallit...I don't know the term, but it defines what 'it' is. Anyhow, when that happens, using 'it is' is okay.
I like that post, Roni.I hate the words: things, stuff, great, good, cool, big, etc.
But your characters have to use them or they sound like total nerds
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1. Your story must be empty of all errors. Grammar or spelling. If you need help with it there's a topic where you can enter your questions.
2. Your story must have 5000-6000 characters. You can go 20 below or over the limit. If you are too far under the limit or too far over the limit, you will be disqualified.
3. Your story must be original. Plagiarism is cheating and will not be allowed. Anyone caught plagiarizing will be disqualified and will not be allowed to enter any other competitions.
4. Your submission may be an excerpt from another story, but if that story has been submitted to any magazines, websites, etc. it will be disqualified.
5. It must come in by November 5th.
Good luck, and have a good time!