Perspective Plus discussion

This past weekend was probably one of the most stressful ones that Narzain and I have ever had. The stress and strain that both of us felt regarding his housing situation was not the best we have ever treated each other in the past 6 1/2 years. Mostly it was me snapping at him, which is not unusual when I get scared and want to run and hide to sort out how I feel about something. Over the years, we have had good communication with each other. Narzain has been known to point out to me many times that he loves the fact that I tell him why I am upset, perhaps not right away,as it may have to wait until I can even verbalize it myself, but it does happen.

This weekend, we knew stress over the lease and the unknown consequences there of, would and did wear on us. Everything came to a head on Monday, when we came bloody close, a mouse's whisker, to not being together anymore. What happened? A discussion about money. For me, his finances are his and mine are mine and we do not discuss them unless it is important. I have gone on the last few years on his word that "fine" means fine, when it comes to affording date nights and such. We have agreed to only go on date nights when he gets paid and not on in between weeks. There has been some sliding of this, and I have been told things were "fine". I found out that his idea of "fine" was on Earth and that my idea of "fine" was in a galaxy far,far away.

Monday, after paying new rent, part of the new security deposit (he never had to give one to the previous landlord),and paying bills, Narz mentioned what his balance was and I freaked out. I, in my mind, felt that I HAVE to FIX this!, and cleaned out all the money in my purse and tried to give it to him,feeling that he needed it more than I.

Hence our first fight ever.

He wouldn't take it. I got stubborn. Limits were reached, but never once did anyone yell. Voices were sharp, but there was no yelling, name calling or saying of things that could not be unsaid. Not one "I don't love you" was thought or uttered. We were not trying to hurt the other, but understand the other, and failing to do that at the time. For me, "I'm JUST the girlfriend"(no,he does not make me feel that way, it is my own perception) and that leaves too many black and white areas for me to know where I stand and how far I may go regarding issues such as money, how it is spent, on whom and the like.

I feel that if I poke or nudge too hard, I will be seen as a raving harridan and that I may cause more damage than good if I keep going on these lines, so sometimes I back off too soon or cross a line, but am not told I have done so. We came out of this fine, we are still together, and I want it noted that the idea we were at an end was an unspoken feeling, not something actually said. A gray area was established for me, and promises were made. The fact that I can question the spending of money even if I hear "fine" and a confirmed agreement, that for now at least, we stick to a strict pay-day date night only policy.

The key things for anyone to learn from this, is how to argue effectively. We all want to lash out when we are hurt or scared, and sometimes we want our partner to hurt because they have hurt us. "Familiarity breeds contempt" and all that jazz. There need to be rules to arguments. A framework that holds up no matter what. Insults are a no-no. Absolute statements are no-no's as well. These are the "You never" types of statements. "I feel" and "When you do/don't.... I feel this way" are much better statements. Stick to the issue at hand. Do not drag other gripes into the situation. One thing at a time. Not everything will have a nice, neat resolution. Find a compromise. Not everyone will be happy (hey,they didn't get their way) but find something that is fair and that you can live with/will make and effort to do. Talk with your partner, gently and calmly when something happens, and not let it fester for months or years. If you can't articulate it at the time, write it down and talk about it later. But talk, don't scream or curse at each other. Don't throw punches or objects. If you need space, tell them, and respect it when they tell you the same. If you need to go to bed angry,do so. You may have a new perspective in the morning.

Talking is key. Love is key. Narzain and I are on the road to o.k. The fight rattled us, but we came out stronger and with defined boundaries that I needed to know. Will we ever fight again, perhaps, but I hope that is at least another 6 1/2 years down the road.

I just want to point out that I have not seen Kim as a 'raving harridan' at any point. I agree with her assessment of the situation. It was a scary day, but we're still here. And that's the important part.