Perspective Plus discussion

As I have mentioned before,in other posts, I am on a journey to figure out who I am and how I fit into this world. As I have also mentioned, I had a friend murdered by a neighbor boy when I was 10 years old. I should state that the friends lived in another county from us, so I did not see them all the time, but he was the son of my mom's best friend. They have 2 daughters, one 2 years older than me and the other 2 years younger than me. Their son and I were the same age, with me 2 months older.

In recent years, I have been taking apart my past and trying to understand it, forgive it, forgive myself, and make sense of things. Thus, the depressing post here. I have decided that 28 years is too long to understand WHY my friend had to die the way he did. I only know that the boy (15) who did it is in jail for the rest of his life as long as we can keep appealing to the parole board to keep him there every so often. I have learned forgiveness for his family, and some degree of sympathy, for no parent wants to be the parent of a killer. Forgiveness for them comes from comments I had heard were made at the time out of anger and fear.

I began my journey Monday by finding the death notice and the first newspaper article on my friend's death and on Tuesday I found the rest of the few articles the Cleveland Plain Dealer has in it's online historical archive. I now need to check with the county papers in which it took place and I have an email out to the funeral home that made the arrangements to find out which cemetery he is buried in, as I can not ask anyone in my family where he is located, due to lack of memory and not wanting to start up old things.

I am doing this for me, and I do not think my mom would understand. I am pretty sure I would get "It's been 28 years, why stir up all of this now?" I need to understand why and how. The why may never happen,but the sanitized details may help me. I remember half heard conversations, news articles, and television news coverage, but not too much of it is clear. I want a bigger and better picture and to find him so I can pay respects I have not been able to pay for 28 years.

That day of the funeral, I saw my dad cry for the first time ever. I saw parents so deep in grief that they had to be carried/walked/dragged down the aisle. I saw a father so deep in grief that he threw himself over the casket,screaming that he didn't want to go. I was terrified of funerals and cemeteries for years after. I have dealt with that, now I need to deal with this.

I know it won't be easy. This may be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken. I just have to know who I am, and this is one of many steps I am about to take.

I just want to say that I am very proud of you for this undertaking. And I will be beside you the whole way with a shoulder to lean or cry on as needed.

Thank you.

I have put out emails to the county library where my friends family lived, hoping to see if they have access or can give me access to news paper archives. I did hear from the funeral home already and have a cemetery name and number. I tried a local college but unfortunately they don't have anything beyond 1982. I have an email out the Cleveland Public library as well, and have been referred to the microform department,which handles all forms of microfilm and the like.


I can remember the day of the funeral. It was a bright fall day, the kind where you just wanted to play outside all day. I didn't want to go, but my mom said that I HAD to because it was the RIGHT thing to do. I was 10, and wanted to watch cartoons. What did I know? They say the worst thing in the world is for a parent to bury a child. I saw why that day. I remember going into the church and at the end of the aisle was a small navy blue casket. All by itself, at the end of the aisle, was my friend. I sat on the end of the pew nearest the aisle, my dad to my left, then my mom,grandma and grandpa. We stood up to sing the first hymn, "This is my Father's World", which I had just learned in school for choir. I barely got past the first few words when I started to cry and couldn't stop. My dad just hugged me to him and let me cry. When it was time for the pall bearers to recess, he just turned me to him and held me tightly so that I wouldn't see that small, sad box go by me.

I can see of this like it was yesterday.

I heard from yet another library source and they are most happy to help me out, so I am on my way to finding out the truth and healing, I hope.

This is a massive undertaking, Kim. I am very proud of the way you have identified what you need to move forward and are methodically pursuing it. Way to go! If you need a shoulder to lean on other than Narzain's, you always can turn to me dear friend :)

Thank you, I really do appreciate that.

I heard from the library in the next county where the crime took place. They are more than happy to mail me copies of all the articles they have, so in a few days I should be well on my way to sorting things out. (And yes, I am planning on getting them cookies).

I have been thinking about things and I can only seem to remember snatches of things. The night of the phone call. We had just come home from a family trip to Disney World with my grandparents. We were home a few days, hours, I don't recall. I just remember is was after sunset, so it was dark out and we didn't get many calls past 8 at night unless it was my family our of town and the rates were lower. We had one phone in the kitchen, rotary style with a long cord. We had a ranch style house, so no privacy. My dad answered the phone. It was a short conversation. He looked so pale. He said, "Harry David* is dead." My mom gasped and teared up. I went "Who?" and my dad repeated it like I was slow. My mom said "Harry. "Aunt' Mina* and 'Uncle' Jack's* son."

Up until that day, I did not know that their family wasn't related to mine. My grandma and Harry's were best friends since grade school, and our moms had grown up together. I called Harry's grandparents "Aunt" and "Uncle" and his parents "Aunt" and "Uncle", and his mom and sisters did the same with my family. My world did not shatter that day, but it did crack. Harry had epilepsy, but was an excellent swimmer. He was found on the beach, which was near their home, in a few inches of water, with a gash in his forehead. Originally they thought he had a seizure, hit his head, and drowned. If only. Later it was revealed he had been strangled as well.

That day,mortality took off it's camouflage and revealed that not only the old and sick could die,but any one at anytime. I remember being at Mina and Jack's house shortly after the funeral, and sitting in their living room with Jessie* and Maddie* their daughters. The room was full of cards,food from local grocery stores (donated by the stores and others)all sorts of items, from bibles to statues. Total strangers sent them cards,cash,checks, notes. Some were to help, others to tell their stories of loss. It was overwhelming. I do not know what happened to all of that, nor do I wish to ask. It's just one more thing that I remember.


*names changed for obvious reasons

I know some of you are wondering why do I need to seem to share these memories with all of you? Most of you don't know me from Adams' Apple,so why am I sharing all of this with all of you? Is it because I am trying to give all you nightmares? No. Shared grief is lessened? Sort of. Getting it out of my head helps? A little bit. I guess I am trying to answer the "why" question for myself and others as to why I have picked now, 28 years later, to explore this situation. I feel that due to modern technology, I am able to actually do this, explore my feelings, get answers to my questions, so that I can finally put ghosts to rest.

Years ago, I would have had to travel to the actual library or newspaper offices and did through piles and piles of dirty paper to hopefully catch a glimpse of what I sought. I would have had to squint at microfilm for hours to read blurry headlines, if I was lucky enough. Would have I had a problem with this? No. I love research, but with this being in another county, I would not have known where to start. Thanks to my home branch of my library system, I got a good start. My branch is the geneology center for my entire county, not just the library system, the county. We have records,data bases, and an expert who is here most days to help you get started. I had an excellent starting ground. My library has always been the history repository for the system, one of five regional ones in the system, so my research had a good start anyway.

I am two years away from turning 40, and I guess it I felt it was time, or the healing ceremony a good friend of mine helped me do a few years ago wheeled around to this series of events for me to focus on. It could be a combination of the two. Now for those of you going "a what ceremony?", I felt a few years ago that I needed help in finding what I needed to let go of, real and imagined, so I wrote a symbolic ceremony that helped me focus on letting go and letting what ever divine powers (or internal) guide me to the less emotionally weighted down life I had been living.

For me, it was writing letters to my friends,family, enemies, self, what have you. They were not fancy, had proper grammar, or in proper form, but they were for me to see, no one else. I sealed them in envelopes and put a letter h for healing, f for forgiveness on each and the first initial of whom the letter was for, so that I didn't forget who to picture in my mind. And yes, this also meant thinking about and seeking healing from my would be rapist, editorial comments allowed.

We buried the ashes after safely burning them in a tray of dirt, and planted a new plant so that the ashes could become something positive. I know it was most a mental game with myself, but in the long run,it has helped me let go of many things that I did not need to have weighing me down all this time. It has allowed me to understand who I am and not what others tell me I am. So, now here I am at one of the major crossroads I have ever been on. How do I let go of this tragedy without losing who I am.

I know that I am an emotional eater, and I think that this horrible thing may be what triggered the tendency, which just go compounded over the years. I am not saying that this incident made me fat, or lay blame on anyone in particular for my weight. It has been many factors, some in my control, others not, that have lead me to be a large person. What I can control, I am working on, but we are all creatures of our pasts, and our pasts are what shape our futures.

How we have dealt with tragedy, loss, joys, setbacks, and the like shape how we handle those now and tomorrow. We are creations of our own making, and the influence we have on ourselves and others do indeed shape the world around us, even if we think we don't make a difference. I wonder many times what kind of mark Harry would have made on the world if he had not had his life cut so short. Both of his sisters have children who will never know their uncle. One of his sisters named one of her children after him, so he does live on in a way. Harry missed out on college,seeing his sisters get married, seeing his nieces and nephews be born, get married himself, or have his own kids. Two lives were wasted that day in October, Harry's and his killers.

The boy who killed Harry has not seen the outside of a prison since he was 16. He is 43 now,and is serving a life sentence as he was tried as an adult. Andy Daily* will hopefully never see the outside of a prison as far as I'm concerned. I do not feel that he is being punished enough,while others may say he has. I know what he did came from stupid and scared kid who may not have realized what he was doing, or he could have been caught committing his first sociopathic act, we may never truly know.


All I am certain of, is that two lives were ended that day, and the ripple effect still goes on,and on.

Yesterday, a ticking time bomb arrived in my home mailbox. No, the Uni-Bomber did not send me a package, but the materials from the library I requested were delivered. I did open the envelope to see what was inside, not really reading anything,just sorting. I cried so hard when I found a "One Year Later" piece that had a photo of Harry, and one of his dad and younger sister in another. I remember that picture of Harry. He was wearing a horizontal striped shirt, with orange and brown stripes. It has either off-white or yellow ones too, and it was a cheesy school background of a fall setting. He's smiling his big smile,no cares, no worries. That was the last school picture he ever had taken.

I guess I have survivor guilt about this at times. I know that Uncle Jack blamed himself for letting Harry go that day. He blamed Jessie for not going with Harry since she was the oldest and should have been looking out for her brother. Maddie blamed herself for not going with them. I sometimes feel that Jack resents me for being here when Harry isn't,and no he has never directly EVER said that to me or acted in any way like that, but I think it is there on a base level. No one was really to blame except Andy. Harry and Andy had gone fishing and other things together. They were neighbors in a small town, on a dead-end street that ended in the lake. You could see the lake from Mina and Jack's front door. There were many times when the four of us kids would run down the street after dinner to go to the beach to look for shells and our parents would stroll along later. No one HAD to worry about us, we were safe. I said that the day of the call my world only cracked, not shattered. My world shattered the day of the funeral and I came face to face with the idea that I was NEVER going to see Harry again; that I was alive and he wasn't.

I think that part of this journey is for me to forgive myself for being alive. I need to forgive myself for surviving. I need to allow myself to grieve, a luxury I don't think I have ever done before. I don't grieve, not really. I always feel that I have to be strong for so everyone else, that I don't let go like I should, and when I do, I apologize for doing so, because I feel that I am making others feel uncomfortable, even though they are the ones who care about me. I do grieve to a point, but I don't ever feel like I truly let go. I know with this, I was scared. All of us were so shell shocked, that who was I supposed to turn to,when they themselves were grieving?

Narzain and I were talking yesterday,(yes he was there for the opening of the mail, otherwise I wouldn't have done it), about when I finally work up the courage to go to the grave site. I want to go to the actual grave alone. I need to say what ever I need to say and don't want to feel like I'm on display, or have to monitor what I say, or even censor it. He agreed that I need to be able to cry, yell, be mad,what have you. I realized something last night,though. I am not nor have I ever been angry with Harry for dying. We all know that anger is a stage of grief and yes, I have been angry, but at the person who caused the death, not the person who died.

It is easy to second guess ourselves when it comes to death. If only we had made somebody go to the doctor sooner. If only we had been there. If only (fill in the blank). We all do it. Grief is a form of survivor guilt when you really think about it. Funerals are for the living,to allow us to understand our feelings, in some cases justify the existence of a person, but mostly are for the living. When a family loses a child for any reason, there is a hole in the family that will never truly close. When it is a tragedy that "could have been prevented" we second guess ourselves.

We wonder what could have been if only. If only Harry had said no thank you. I'm staying home tonight, would he have avoided the situation, or would he have just delayed it? If Harry had lived, would he now be a dad? A gold medal winning Olympic Swimmer? Would he be the head of a non-profit? Would he be the face of epilepsy? A blue collar worker? White collar? Have a Phd.? I'd like to think that he would have been all those things, and more. Harry was a good kid. He was kind, loved to help, and yes, he had his days when he wasn't. Who among us doesn't? Did he do dumb things? Oh, yeah. I remember he had a thing about sticking stuff up his nose. He was well into the "old enough to know better" years, when he stuck a dried Kidney Bean up there. Twice it was popcorn, one un-popped, one popped, both within a few hours of each other as they were stringing it for Christmas. A Barbie shoe or two, Kleenex, and I think a Hot Wheel tire. We used to go to Harry's grandparents house for an annual clam bake and for other occasions as they were in the middle for all of us. Harry and I would create the most elaborate Croquet games you could think up for all of us kids to play, and yet none of us even knew how to play. We just liked whacking the ball. Harry and I loved Legos and he had a huge selection at his grandparents house. He and I would build the weirdest stuff......

I haven't thought about that in years, and the Croquet memory made me laugh some thing I haven't done thinking about Harry in a long time.

I guess that means this is doing me some good after all.

Moments ago when I posted above, I was feeling better about where I was going with this, and then I did a stupid, stupid thing. I went to my states website for the department of corrections. I wanted to know when the next parole hearing was for Andy. We have written letters in the past and I was wondering if and when how soon we would need to do so. He is up for another hearing in December of this year. His photo also popped up with his file. I have only seen the photo of the 16 year old version of him. That was shocking. On top of that, I found out which prison he is in. I thought he was at the other end of the state, but it turns out that he is about a 30 min. drive from my house. Yes, he is in jail, and yes that particular prison is for the hard criminals, but now I feel uneasy. Why, I don't know. I feel so stupid for doing this when I am alone with no support, but I was curious. I didn't expect to find what I did,and I guess that was always a possibility, finding out something I didn't want to know.

I have decided that today is the day I am finally going to read the articles I have, or least try to start reading them. I know that this is going to be hard. Much of this stuff has been locked up behind a door and sealed off for 28 years, so this is going to be unpleasant, but I need to know. I need to know if what I remember meshes with what happened,or if I have filled in blanks or left blanks. I have found out by the time line of article publication that the trial was concluding at the same time as my birthday, but all I remember is that it was near Easter time.

My mom and grandma went out to the trial every day for support. My dad and grandpa looked after me after school. My mom would come home, go right into their bedroom, shut the door and cry. I was not given a lot of candy as a kid, it was a treat, but I was given Whopper's Robin's Egg's as a treat for being good. After it was all over, I was given a small, pink stuffed bunny as a special treat for being extra good. I still have him to this day.

My mom is and was not a crier, unlike me who cries easily, so seeing her like that was freaksome. Crying was for funerals and weddings, maybe for a really nice gift, but otherwise, you didn't cry, this time in my personal history is very much with the wonk. I was in my own grief,scared, and looking for answers that could not be given because the ones I needed to hear the answers from were seeking the same thing. I am not sure if we have ever truly grieved Harry in my family, or if everyone was too caught up in being strong for the family, so our grief got lost.

I have been fighting a temptation to find their old house, to find the beach and go there, but I feel like that is not a good idea. It is almost ghoulish in a way, I feel, not to mention that that would taint happy memories that I really don't want to lose. I have so few memories of us as kids as it is, I don't want to lose the few I do have. I don't know where the desire is coming from, if is truly closure, to stand up to some mythical ideal or if it is to just put things into perspective.

I don't know. Maybe I am being morbid, maybe not. Right now, I'm just confused.

Kim, you are such a strong woman to face this. You are looking at what might be THE most painful time of your life, and the insights you are gaining amaze me. I do not comment on each post, but I read them all. Please remember that I am here for you, and if you need to talk I am only a phone call or short drive away. Much love and hugs to you.

I appreciate that very much.

I do not see myself as strong, but more like a ghoul over this. I feel that even though I went through this,that by looking into this, I am a voyeur into their lives. I did indeed sit down and read all of the articles in my "folder of doom" as Narzain so eloquently put it. I have 11 articles from the Plain Dealer, including the death notice, and 20 from the papers in Harry's home city and another paper that covers that area.

Did I learn things I wish I didn't know? Oh, yeah. Do I regret knowing them? No. Do I regret doing this? No. I have too keep in mind that this was 1984-1985 and that police procedures and technology were different then. There were a lot of mistakes that the police admitted in court but no one thought it was a murder at first, so many things that should have been done, were not, which may have made the case go very differently. So much in fact, that if things had been done correctly, the conviction may have been overturned over the years if Daily had been convicted at all.

I have learned more details of the actual crime, and there are many, many holes. I know the papers had limited information to publish and that they published what they had, but so much does not add up. For the first time in 28 years, I have a shred of sympathy for Andy Daily. I am now not 100% sure that he was the one who killed Harry. Do I think he's innocent? H*** no, but I am sure that he had some part in it,and may not have acted alone. I am not nor will I ever forgive him, that I know I am 100% on, but now I have doubts that I never had before.

He admitted to sharing a 6 pack with a friend while fishing, spray painting a break wall with this friend,claiming that he went past Harry,said a few words,but had nothing to do with the loss of Harry. There was a "one year later" article with Harry's family. Just before the anniversary, Uncle Jack had a nervous break-down and had to be hospitalized. I had forgotten that. According to the article, Uncle Jack said that he was told that he held Harry's body, but that he doesn't remember that. Aunt Mina said that she saw the rescue crews on her way home and called Uncle Jack. She remembers him running to her screaming, "Mina!Mina!Harry's dead!"

The local papers published both the David's address and the Daily's address. I remember Uncle Jack saying something about people driving past their house very slowly. Now, I know why. According to the anniversary article, the David's were going to their minister for counseling, but had to go elsewhere because the Daily's were also members of their church and were seeing the same minister. I cannot begin to imagine how hard that would have been.

Andy was 6 months away from becoming an Eagle Scout. He had some problems with juvenile things, nothing that was prosecuted, but the beginnings of problems. In one case, he put his fist through the wall of his room when he had been punished by his parents, which was documented by a social worker. There were 6 or so incidents in the early part of 1984, months before Harry's death. The judge who remanded Daily to the adult court, was quoted as feeling that Daily as a danger to the community.

The articles said that Harry's skull was fractured, so much that the coroner could not count all the bone fragments. So much anger spouted from one human being, that it gave them the strength to cave in the skull of another human. Daily said that he had been fishing, and the story told by his sister, Jessie (who I did not know had testified) was that Harry was invited to come and see what Daily had caught. Harry and Daily went fishing often, as Harry was good friends with one of Daily's younger brother's. Daily had a back pack that sometimes Harry used. The only blood evidence that they had on Daily, was a drop of blood that matched Harry's type,but Daily has the same type. (No DNA testing back then). I remember my mom saying all they had was circumstantial evidence on Daily. I never knew how little there was.

My doubts now stem from this one drop of blood, a drop that could have been Harry's from a previous fishing trip, after catching himself on a hook. Daily had no blood evidence on himself,but his gear included wader boots and a poncho. There was plenty of time to wash off in Lake Erie. He could have had a change of clothes in his bag, so his other ones could have been thrown out there on the beach and not found. Daily claims that he was playing pinball at a local laundromat. Not many places with CCTV then, so could he have been washing his clothes getting rid of evidence? Any blood on him that was minimal could be explained away as from being from a fish....or did he really do it? At his trial and at the detention center, he rarely showed emotion,and did not react at his sentencing. I remember my mom saying that he smirked when he was given life. That is not normal for anyone, let alone an innocent person. He has not shown or expressed remorse or done anything to show sympathy.


The last article I read, really got me more mad than anything. It seems that at the time, the state victims fund only gave Harry's family about $200 for expenses, where the victim of a robbery could expect all their expenses covered. The real kick in the pants, it also covered and paid for all the fees and trial costs for Daily. Over $8,000 was covered by the county and state, including any and all travel of his 2 lawyers to see Daily in jail, motion filling and for court transcription.

I hope that the more updated version of the victims fund is much more fair minded. I understand that this is a part of legal rights for those who are unable to pay for a defense. It just irks me to no end that not only is he still being taken care of at taxpayers expense, but that his whole trial was at taxpayers expense. Would I feel bad if things did get proven once and or all that he did not do it, causing him to live in jail for most of his life? Yes.

Until someone invents a time machine,we will never know what happened for sure.

Queen Elizabeth I once said, "The past cannot be cured."


How true. I am not trying to cure my past, I think, but more like trying to get a handle on it so that I can react better to things that happen in the future so that I am not clinging to old harmful patterns. I do not think about Harry every day any more, but there are days or events when his absence is more pronounced than at others for me,and I am sure for his family, they think about him often.

My new temptation is to find the beach and go there. Narzain is not too keen on this idea and I agree with him that this may not be the best course of action for me to pursue, but some part of me feels like I NEED to go there. I do not know if this is some form of penance, masochism, or what, but I am trying very hard not to give in to what I feel may be self destructive behavior. That beach was a happy memory for me, so I do not understand this sudden need to find this beach and destroy what ever happiness I found there.

Narzain will be the one who would have to deal with me,hold me up and put me back together again if I do this. It is not fair to him to put him through that. I know some of you may say "But, how is that fair to you?", and this is where that feeling of survivor guilt kicks in and that masochistic streak rears it's head,saying "You haven't suffered enough over this." To me, that is what makes it fair for me to this to myself, but not for anyone else to have to go through it with me. I cannot ask my friends to suffer with me because I don't want them to hurt. I don't really want Narzain to see me go through this. I need him go with me, but at the same time I don't want him there because I don't want him to see me like this,yet I want his love and support.

I don't understand why I feel this way. I know that if this were reversed, I would be the first to go with a friend and so what he is willing to do for me, yet I feel terrible asking anyone to be there for me. Perhaps because my pain is so personal, so terrible,so tragic, that I do not want others to share in the seemingly endless pit it comes from. Perhaps I am afraid of dragging others down with me, and making them resent me for doing so. I don't know. I have a tendency to be very one sided in my friendships. I am willing to help, support, give, do what have you,but I have trouble asking for my friend to do so in return, because I don't want to be an imposition. I don't want to be a bother.

Where this comes from, I don't know, but that is also something I'd like to find out.

This weekend, Narzain and I were talking about how soon I want to go the cemetery. I think that I need to do this sooner than later as I know what will happen. I will let the anxiety get the better of me to the point where I don't want to do it. We talked about taking flowers with us and I have decided that I am uncomfortable with that for a first visit. I feel that I have enough emotional folderol going on that I do not need to add "props". This will be my first visit, but it does not have to by my last one either,and yes, I do realize that I may need more than one trip to find the peace I seek. I am not sure if true closure is possible, but a peace with things would be nice, so I decided that something simpler is in order. Narzain did suggest a croquet mallet,and while it would be appropriate,I am going to adapt a Jewish tradition. They place a pebble on the marker to show that someone was there. I have decided to go to the beach and find a pebble and a shell. Since that has meaning for me, it seems to be the most appropriate thing to do for a first visit.

We get so caught up with "being strong for each other", that we do not always let go of our grief, feel that grief has an expiration date on it,or that it should last for a designated period of time. Grief makes others uncomfortable because we do not like to see those we care about hurting. We may understand the loss of a loved one, but we do not like to be reminded of the pain of loss.

Grief is personal, it is consuming, it is debilitating ,and it sucks. It hurts,it stuns,it isolates, yet it can unite us as well. When a life is lost to illness we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that the person is no longer suffering. When it was a accident that takes a life, we can usually find something to blame, like being drunk, mechanical failure, speed, an animal, something tangible to put our anger to,to find the cause of our grief. But what are you supposed to do when the cause of your grief was caused by the mask being torn off another human being revealing the animal we all try to forget exists underneath?

Yes, you have a target for your anger, but the questions of why are never truly answered, as we cannot comprehend someone failing to control their urges like the rest of us do, and cannot comprehend the true nature of the beast. We feel that because we are in better control of our urges and stifle what makes us human,denying the animal we are, we feel vulnerable. We feel exposed,raw,naked. When violence enters our lives, we grieve,and many of us never stop grieving.


Jessie and Maddie have had their issues with their parents over the years and some of their behavior has caused the "how could they DO that to Mina and Jack. They've done every thing for them!" comments to fly. The grief of their parents left the two of them alone for many years as Mina and Jack tried to function in their all consuming grief. I know that the girls felt abandoned by their parents based on what they would say to me when we were alone, playing music or what have you. I shared their grief and swallowed my own to support them. Now, after 28 years, I am finally allowing myself to let go of that grief and it is a scary thing.

I don't understand exactly all of my feelings and I don't remember WHY I feel some of the feelings I have been feeling. I read the articles with minimal tears,and almost clinically. I felt removed from the situation, not a part of it like I did 28 years ago. Age and years I guess have made it that way, good or bad. I am trying to not be consumed by my grief or by my process, which not easy. I have really good friends and I know I should rely on them for support. I know I have not asked any of them for any of this, that they have volunteered. I am grateful for that. I just feel that in the end, I am alone with all of this, as this is my road to take, my grief to shed, my peace to find.

We'll see where this takes me.

Someone fairly wise once said that, though no one can carry someone else's grief, you can help support that person when their burden is too great. (I paraphrase badly, but hopefully clearly).

As alone as you may feel or be in your grief, we're here to catch you when you stumble, and help keep you upright on your road. And I, for one, could not be more proud of you. I don't think you are dragging anyone down, or into anything. And I see you as a very strong and beautiful person, whatever you are going through at the moment. When that strength falters, or doubt creeps in, just lean on me as long as you need to. I will not think any less of you for it. Really, it takes strength to accept help too.

Wherever this takes you, I'll be here when you get back. With frozen yogurt.

Thank you. This is why I love you.


Today I could verbalize something that is bothering me that I have to face. What if Andy Daily really didn't do it after all and that the wrong person has been in jail all of these years? A person that I have helped keep there with my letters to the parole board. Is this a part of my guilt complex I usually have, or is this human nature? I also realized that as long as Daily is breathing, I will not find closure, and that comes from the part of me that feels he is where he belongs and should never ever leave.

I am a pacifist and not believe in violence as a solution,although there would be those who wonder about that if they ever heard me in traffic. I am human, therefore subject to the foibles of my race and species. There are days when I feel that Daily should have fried and wonder if that doesn't make me like him,if I'm so against violence that I can and do support the death penalty. I am a paradox of the first order. I am struggling with my recently found doubts as I know that letter writing will be coming up later on this year, and I wonder now about my part in keeping him in jail, or seeing him free. I do not know if he has been plotting revenge, or if he is remorseful. From what I know, he showed no emotion during the trial and apparently smirked when sentenced. At his parole hearings, I am given to understand that he as yet to even seem likely to say he is sorry, show sympathy for what happened, or seem like any of this bothers him. I do not know if this is his mental process of how he handles things or if he really is guilty.

*sigh* *deep breath*

Am I ready to go to the cemetery and face this? F*** no! but I am going anyway. This has been getting way too much free rent in my head,heart,and soul and it needs to go. Fire sale! Everything MUST go! I am doing what NEEDS to be done, and that is not so easy. Of course, if it was easy, I wouldn't have needed 28 years to go by would I?

After the events of Friday in Aurora, CO, I said to Narain that I feel that my little situation here is really nothing and why am I bothering to so this when these people have just been through worse? He replied that my situation in my situation and that it is not any less than theirs.

My cousin and her husband lived in Littleton, CO, with their two kids. Their oldest went to Columbine, and was there that day. He came out of it unharmed, well physically, anyway, I don't know about mentally. (I don't see them that much, so I honestly don't know how it affected him, nor do I wish to ask him as if he is some kind of sideshow attraction.) They moved, shortly after the incident. I don't blame them.

We were talking about Friday and Narzain said that he does not really want to know what was going on in the shooters head, he just wants to see him in jail. I, like many want to know what was the motive. Perhaps it is a sense of closure that I and many others who were not part of this would like to have, perhaps it is my own brushes with violent tragedy that make me more than curious. Narain and I went to the movies to see "Brave" on Saturday, a pre-planned date, and I was not able to enjoy the movie as much as I would have due to being twitchy. If someone shifted in their seat,I tensed. Somebody went to the rest room and I had a mild panic attack. I kept watching the emergency exits. I know it was stupid, but well,....

So, going proved something, that this person and his potential bid for immortality, had not in fact completely cowed me from living my life. If we went this week, I probably would have been fine. Who knows? What I do know is pretty well summed up by Seanan McGuire writing as Mira Grant in her first Newsflesh book, "Feed". Her character of Georgia Mason says in a blog post:

"The truth isn't scary. Not when you understand it, and not when you understand the repercussions of it,and not when you are worried that somethings being kept from you. You only think the truth is only scary when you think part of it might be missing."

For us as a nation,that is the motive of the shooter at the movie theater. Until we know why, we will be afraid. For me, I will always feel that true closure will not happen until I find out why Andy Daily murdered Harry. As I prepare to go out to Harry's grave this week, this is on my mind. The question of "why".

I hope all of you are safe, that anyone you know in CO is safe, and to any of you who did suffer a loss, my condolences. I hope that in time you will find a peace, a sense of closure, and answers.

Yesterday, I was a chicken sh*t coward.

Narzain took me out to the cemetery and I couldn't get out of the car to go to the office to get directions. I am a coward. A yellow, lily-livered coward. I have a yellow streak down my back so wide,it could be mistaken for a street divider. I have been told lately how strong I am for doing all of this, yet a simple thing like getting out of the car stymied me. It turns out that while Narzain was in the office, I was looking at Harry's grave section the entire time.

It is funny how I remember that day, and what was really there yesterday. We were parked under a tree that day, with the grave to the right, yesterday, we were under a tree with the grave to the left, but as Narzan pointed out, that could have been the way the procession was directed, which I understand. I thought that Harry was so far away and on a rise. The land is flat and he is only a few feet from the roadway, right in the middle of his row, with a lot of room between him and others. His marker is flush to the ground, and I learned something I hadn't known, or had forgotten. Harry is 2 months older than me, not younger like I thought. Huh. The tricks of memory. His family chose a figure of a swimmer as a decoration. Narzain helped me find the grave, and then went to the car, letting me have my time alone.

I always feel so foolish at cemeteries. I never know what to say. I mean,I feel that those who are gone are more aware of things than we think, that they are keeping an eye on us, and that they can be talked to anywhere, at any time. I especially think that the best connections are when you are in a venue or doing an activity that that person enjoyed, such as gardening. I didn't know how to talk to him. I mean is he 10 or 38? Does his spirit look like a 10 year old, but think like a 38 year old? I tried to speak my heart to him, but I just lost it so quickly, that I had to leave. I feel terrible that I didn't say hardly anything, just punked out, started crying, sobbing more like, and left. I did leave the beach rock and shells I collected last week for him,so I did at least do that.

I felt like overwhelming crud after we left yesterday. We stopped at coffee shop so that I could get some chocolate and decompress. I will go out there again, in time, sooner than later, I guess. I know that yesterday was not an end all or be all,and that I can go again as many times as I need to. I just don't understand why I felt so much worse for having gone,than I did before I went out to the grave site. Today, I do not feel much better. Could it be that it was too stressful? Some form of guilt,survivor or for not having gone out there for 28 years? Perhaps. I am not done with this journey, and I will keep working on understanding and shedding my guilt, sorting my feelings and trying to understand the situation.

Thank you all for being here for me. I truly do appreciate your listening to me and my situation.

Nope, not yellow at all. You said it yourself: if you broke momentum by going into the office, you might not have made it to graveside. Besides, you had me there to cover the minor stuff like that.

You just ran a roto-tiller through your emotions; it's no surprise that the results were overwhelming, and that you couldn't stay long that time. It's a process, and each step lasts as long as it lasts.

I'm still proud of you, and you're still stronger than you give yourself credit for. *hugs*

And I'm not yelling at you. :)

I need to clarify Narzain's comment. He has not yelled at me in the 7 years we have been together. I am always afraid that what I post here may upset him or make him feel uncomfortable by sharing private things. I always think somebody's going to be mad at me for this or that and that is part of the next part of the journey, stopping my own victimhood.

I am nearing the 28th anniversary of "Harry's" death. October 23 will mark 28 years since his death. I posted recently in another group I am in about this and how my eating for comfort is coming into play at this time of the year and how until recently I had not really looked for a cause but that suppressing the memories of this time probably have caused a lot of eating triggers for me. December is also hard for me as the majority of my family has passed in that month, including my dad on New Year's Eve.

The situation with "Harry",traumatic as it was, I did not realize how tied to food the situation made me, and for years I have just buried the memories (along with the good ones of "Harry" that I now have back due to my research) and thought I had dealt with it. I apparently hadn't done so well in that department as I had believed. I think it may have been the trigger, but not the reason. I think something would have happened that sent me down the food as comfort path, that just triggered it earlier.

I am hoping that my more conscious awareness of how I feel can help me make better choices in how I seek comfort now. As for a sense of distrust and feeling unsafe, yes, that may have played a part in all of this. I hadn't thought of that until you mentioned it. By not living closer to them, those feelings were not as strong, but they were there. I mean, what 10 year old expects that kind of "hey! see how mortal you are?". At that point in my life only people who had been old/sick/or some combination of both had passed, and while sad, it was expected. This was such a violent and shocking thing that just thrust mortality right in your face that it's no wonder I'm still dealing with the fall out 28 years later.

Today marks 28 years since "Harry" died needlessly and violently. So many lives changed that day, none for the better. What happened was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I do not ever want to top it. I don't know how I will feel in 2 years when I reach 40 and it will be 30 years. I would love to be able to start a scholarship in his name for kids to go to the YMCA a be on the swim team or for kids with epilepsy to go the school or something like that to honor "Harry".

I hope for anger management to be taught to kids who need it, for better help for those who are at risk and help for families who do suffer a tragedy like this, and for all victims of a crime. I hope that while it may not end every instance of violence, it may reduce them, so that no family will ever have to go through this again. I don't know what "Harry" would have wanted in this life, but I do know that he would have *wanted* a life.

Time has allowed me to deal with the loss and the hole that was left behind. As in all things, time has allowed me coping skills that I sometimes wish I didn't have. "Time heals all wounds" is an often spoken phrase meant to comfort those who have suffered a loss, and to me it is bunk when it comes to losing someone you cared about. Time gives you distance and coping skills, but it does not ever fill in the hole they leave behind. 28 years later I can still feel the hole that was "Harry" and his absence is felt more today than ever for me since I undertook this journey.

"Harry" you are missed greatly, you are loved and you will always have a place in my heart.

We received word yesterday that Andy is up for parole on December 12. We have short notice to write letters to the board for hearing. Harry's mom thought she had told us.

*Holding breath*

There is a strong possibility that "Andy" will be released on parole this year. He has served his minimum. We will be notified either way, so I will let you know.

Oh I sure hope they keep him in there. Thoughts and energies still going up.

Thank you. We will know hopefully soon. With the minimum sentence served, he legally could be released just based on that alone. If he has been a "model" prisoner and what not, he could see daylight this year. Since the hearings are not open to the public, we have to rely on letters and petitions to convey our concerns about his release and hope that they are convincing enough.

I know I sleep better knowing that he's behind bars.

I am in favor of the death penalty and USING it. I know that there are many out there who feel that the death penalty does not work, but I feel if it were actually used, used swiftly and without fan fare,it would be more of a deterrent. I feel that age should not keep you from death row, nor should the prisoners religion keep them from facing an injection.

Do my feelings come from my life? I don't doubt it. I have heard from families who have been through a tragedy such as this who have more compassion and capacity to forgive than I do, who oppose the death penalty. They feel that it won't bring back their loved one, so why do this. I say that the person who took the life of another does not deserve go on living when they have taken the life of another.

I am thinking more and more on this as we wait for the parole boards decision. I realize that to "Andy's" family, if he had faced the death penalty, and it had been carried out, that they too would have lost their son, but I can't help but feel resentment that "Andy" has had 28 years of life,maybe not a lovely quality of life, but a LIFE all the same, while "Harry" missed out on so much. "Andy' would still be privy to family news and can see his parents and other family on visitation days.

All we have is a cold headstone.

I like to think that I am nice person, and I see myself as a pacifist, yet I support the death penalty. Does this make me a bad person? No, it makes me human. This person hurt me. They decided to take actions that caused a life to end, and yet they get to keep theirs? I know life isn't fair, but there has to be some kind of justice here. To the family of the victim, there is no amount of justice that can ever truly be enough. I just went onto the state parole board's web site, to check on the status of his hearing. There is a new picture of him there, all cleaned up for his hearing.

On one hand, I know that "Andy" has and will have to live with this for the rest of his life, and that pleases me on one level,but it galls me to end on another level that he GETS to live. The other hand of this, brings me to "Andy's" family,and how their son was taken from them too by all of this and that is he had face the death penalty, that they too would forever be missing a son.

I find myself torn right now, as I face the fact that he may go free soon. I am questioning my belief in the death penalty, afraid that somebody in "Harry's" family will do something if "Andy" is released, and finding that I wish "Andy" had faced the death penalty and was now gone from the Earth so that we wouldn't be at this point in time.

Perhaps I really am a bad person after all.

No you are not. The death penalty should be just that, a death penalty. Not death after 20 or 30 years of being taken care of. However, I feel it should be used only in cases where there is no doubt, no possibility of error in identification. In such cases... take them to Public Square and blow them apart.

I guess that is where I am beginning to doubt myself on the idea of the death penalty, at least in this case. My own hurt and anger at the situation and the person whom I have held responsible all this time for causing it, was convicted on a very circumstantial case, and that is according to my memories of what my mother said at the time and what the articles said as well. If I could know beyond anything that "Andy" did it free and clear, I could possibly feel better about wanting to see him fry all of these years.

I am not questioning my belief in the death penalty, just my feelings on this particular case and IF it had been possible, how I would feel if he was facing execution vs. release. I don't know if it would bring me the closure I feel I need to know that he is no longer on the planet, or if I would still feel cheated that he had lived so long before seeing that day.

I know that if he is released, and I do understand that guidelines now are different than they were in 1985, that he is legally entitled to this release and that there is nothing I can do about it, and that I have to deal with it. The question at hand for me now is HOW I choose to deal with this situation. For many years I have fantasized (as terrible as this is) that "Andy" has been removed from this planet by another prisoner in a prison brawl and that our lives could have some peace.

I find myself now questioning my anger and my resolute notions that his exiting the Earth would make me feel better. It won't bring "Harry" back or change the world, time or how the hole left behind is still here, and will never fill in. It has changed me, and many others who have been directly involved in all of this, both families and their children,the family friends.....I can only imagine how many "friends" have gone by the wayside for both families. One will always be the family of the victim, one of the murderer. Those labels will never change.

I find myself questioning just how much I am angry with "Andy" and much sympathy I may have for the devil.

I am not sure how or where this will go.

Narzain and I were talking about this this weekend. I wonder about forgiveness and if I should finally forgive "Andy" and move on. Yet, there is part of me that feels that he does not deserve forgiveness and that I am righteously and deservedly entitled to my anger and do not HAVE forgive anybody. Perhaps I do need to forgive somebody. Myself. I need to forgive myself for being angry and hurt. For wanting to see another human be removed from the planet for his part in causing this pain in the first place.

We have all heard the phrase "forgive and forget". I understand the forgive part, and sort of understand the forget part, but I also feel that somethings should not be forgotten, lest they be repeated. I guess the idea about forgetting is to let go of grudges and such, and not allowing anger to cloud our judgement and interactions with others.

Narzain posited that it is like becoming a Jedi. You must set aside your anger. In a way, that is exactly what this is, trying to let of my anger and beginning to heal, but not forgetting "Harry." Unlike the typical stage of grief which most often than not, does fade, I have a concrete person who is the rightful target of my anger. This person, with whom I have had zero contact with and who wouldn't know me from Adam's apple, has been the focus of so much anger, hatred and fear for so long, I find it hard to think of him as a person. A person who did a horrible, terrible thing, but a person all the same.

I have a few heroes in life,Mahatma Gandhi,Mother Teresa, and the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. These people with their gentle ways and big impacts on the world, have influenced me so much. I wonder what they would do in this situation and it all comes back to forgiveness of "Andy's" actions.

Dr. King said,"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." and this as well, "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

My finite disappointment is that "Harry" is gone and his murderer is in jail. My infinite hope is that he will stay there. Yet, my anger and hatred of this person have been holding me back, burdening me for so long now....I just want to heal, move on, and let go. I am want to, but I'm scared.

It is a very hard situation... and one that many people don't stop to consider. The collateral damage, for lack of a better term, of a person's murder. It is often so much worse than death resulting from illness or an accident due to the very nature of what happened.

You are in a unique situation right now. You are struggling to grow beyond where you have been, to heal, to move forward. This is something that has eaten away at your psyche for a very, very long time. And you are right, it is time for you to heal.

No one that is not in the same situation as you can truly know what you feel, but I know that this is monumental for you. And I agree, in order for you to move forward, to truly heal, you are likely going to have to find a way to make peace with this situation. Some might say that you were not directly involved so it shouldn't have this affect on you... but they would be very wrong.

I cannot say "Just get over it", if you could you would have a very long time ago. I admire the strength you are showing by tackling this issue, it is a very intense thing to deal with. All I can do is tell you that I am in your corner, and that I am here of you need to talk about it. BIG huggies!

Thank you. So many people do not understand that just because he wasn't my brother or actual cousin that this has affected me so deeply. How could it not? It was such a public and violent act that how could I not still feel the effects of it all this time later?

I guess that is the crux of the whole thing. How to let go, let myself heal and forgive myself for feeling what I have felt,let go of the pain without letting go of "Harry" so much that I forget him or dishonor his memory. I am not sure how to do that and that is what I am working on next. How to let go without forgetting. I am not exactly how that is going to work,if it can be done, or what it will mean to actually heal.

"Harry's" birthday was this month, I have blanked on the day, but I know it was around this time. I can't help but think about what he would be like now at 39, what he may have done,seen,created,destroyed, invented,or been capable of if he were still here. He may not have grown up to be a nice person, he may very well have been a terrible person who evicted widows and children into the street without a thought. He may have been the inventor or discoverer of a cure for AIDS,cancer,the common cold. He could have been average, with a family, a job,and a dog.

We'll never know. I grieve for my friend, for who he may have been,for who I have become,and for the part of me that died that day.

I can guarantee you, letting go does not mean forgetting. Letting go means making peace with the pain and being free to enjoy the good memories without spiraling every time into grief. You won't forget the bad parts, the pain, but making peace does allow it to move into its proper place... the back of your mind where it can reside with occasional glimpses rather than in the forefront causing all the memories to hurt. Good luck my dear.

Thank you.

Yesterday I was thinking that perhaps I need to forgive "Harry" for dying in the first place, something I haven't considered. I am letting myself go through the stages of grief all over again and it seems odd that they would happen now. I don't think I really accepted his death but just shoved it behind a door that I locked and didn't want to open or deal with ever again.

Forgiveness is deceptively simple thing. You forgive, you move on. That easy. But, it's not. There are so many layers to that said forgiveness. How do you know someone is truly deserves to be forgiven. Narzain pointed out that a showing of remorse is an indicator of forgiveness. To my knowledge, "Andy" has never shown remorse of offered any kind of apology for his actions.

So under this idea, "Andy" does not qualify for forgiveness,but I how do I forgive myself for taking so long to deal with this situation overall. Paul so wisely put it by saying that there is indeed an aftermath of collateral damage when an act of violence such as this occurs, as opposed to an illness or natural disaster. Yes, those losses hurt like any loss, but there is a logic to them, a known reason that can be understood. When a violent act happens,there is no warning,no time to bungee cord yourself to a boulder and hold on.

Life happens whether we are prepared to live it or not. It is not a spectator sport. It makes demands. It sucks at your core with terrible things. It uplifts you with joy and beautiful moments. It cuts you off at the knees and leaves you there to get up or not. Life knocks the stuffing out of you, hands you lemons,steals your lemonade, and then gives you a hand up so you can do it all again.

No one prepares you for this, nor are we given tools to cope with this kind of situation, because no body wants to have to go through this. It scares people to be reminded of what humans are truly capable of, so we deal with the best we can and hope for the best.

I am working on how to forgive myself for not grieving, for not dealing with this ,and how to let go without forgetting. That last one will be the hardest. I don't have too many memories of "Harry" as he is not a subject talked about too often.

I hope by this thread, I have kept his memory to a good thing,and that he is pleased somehow.

That makes all of this pain worth it.

First I would like to say that I think that you are an amazing person, just reading your posts about everything, your opinions on what is going on in the world in your life in your country, community. I do support the effort to forgive. From personal experience I know that is not easy, far from it but when you make that step it lifts the weight from your shoulders, and no you should never forget. My thoughts are that we should try to find/ make some good from the horrible evil things that happen so that wronged know they didn't suffer for nothing. What happens should never be forgotten. Forgiving would make you stronger. It would come when you are ready you already made a big step in that direction.

Thank you. I am still surprised that anyone really pays any attention to what I have to say, so your kind words make me blush.

The forgiveness idea is a great one, but where and whom I forgive, at least for me, is the rub as Hamlet would say. I am all for forgiveness and I think the world would be a better place if more people did forgive things instead of seeking payback for every little think.

You hit the nail on the head with me being in the right direction, but I need to be ready. I feel that perhaps I should put this issue to the side for now and look at other things that I need to deal with and come back to this when the parole board makes up it's flipping mind. Yet, if I do that, I many not truly deal with this any more,and will not find the peace of mind and soul that I am striving for. I realize that this is not a magic bullet that will automatically make all the pain of the last 28 years go away, but it will help me find a balance between the anger, pain, loss, and peace.

I do fear what will slide into place, kinda like those picture tile puzzles,where you slide the tiles around until you make a picture. I fear what fresh hell I may uncover, which tile will slide into place and what the final picture will look like. Will I be the same person I am now, just on a more even keel or will I change that much am no longer me?

We recently got word that "Andy" has been denied parole for another 3 years.

I am still working of the forgiveness idea.

Glad to hear the update. He needs to stay right there. /hugs

I plan on a trip to the cemetery in the next week or two. (It has just been to bloody hot to do it recently.) I still feel like there is more to say or more closure to find and that going out there is the best way to find it. I am not of the mind that this will be the end of everything,or that closure means closing the book on this whole thing, that will not come as long as "Andy" is still breathing.

I hope that as I come face to face with this, that I can learn to deal with other things that perhaps I really haven't dealt with along the way, either due to this or because they too are painful in their own rights and require their own journey's.

I hope to at least find an equilibrium to this, a balance of being at what peace I can be with it,and with what peace I can't be with it. My friend is gone and I will never be o.k. with that, but I do have to be o.k. with having gone on with my life and surviving, growing up, and becoming an adult, even if "Harry" couldn't. I have to learn to balance my survivor guilt and my feelings about his not being here,which I can do nothing about. I can't change what happened, but I can change how I keep reacting to it, and how I see my past feelings and how they influence me now.

I am still a work in progress, and I hope to keep progressing. I'll keep you posted.

If you need to talk before or after the trip.... GELATTO! Big hugs to you dear

That would be nice. Perhaps after the trip we can all go out for gelato. I'll see what days we have at our disposal next week and let you know.

The idea that I need to go to the beach has reared up again, and I KNOW that is a BAD idea,but for some reason, I feel like a HAVE to go. I am not sure if it is a closure thing or a masochistic thing. I don't know if I am being guided by a sense of healing or if my inner demons are just messing with me. On one hand, it would remove some of the skyscraper like memories that have been looming over me for quite sometime and on the other, it could just be the worst thing I could do by taking away the happy memories of that place.

I have always loved water, the lake (I WON'T swim in it, but I LOVE to look at it), fountains, pools, etc, so I feel a healing affinity with water, but I am not so sure that this would be healing and be more harming.

I am so terribly torn about this. My heart says one thing and my head a much more reasonable other thing.

I don't know what's right.

I would say go to the lake, with one or twp people for support. Before you get out of the car center as best you can. When you are done, go somewhere that you KNOW is calming for you. Take a few minutes when you get there and just contemplate, then talk about it to the friend(s) with you. Just my thoughts on how to proceed dear.

That was my thought on it as well. If I have a support group with me, then perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. The one good thing is that since they lived in the next county, an impulsive trip is not something I'm likely to indulge in, so I wouldn't take it upon myself to go it alone. I had Narzain each time I've gone to the cemetery even though he waits in the car at my request, he would come graveside if I needed him to.

Despite my sharing all of this with all of you, I feel that this has to be a solitary process as he was my friend and that this is my pain, I don't want to burden others with all of my nonsense so to speak. I was raised with the notion that "our business is no one else's" so it is hard for me to ask that others help me share the load, while I am more than happy to help others share theirs.

I know that this is what friends are for and none of my friends has ever walked away from me because I shared. More likely,they seem surprised when I do share or ask for help because,again, I was taught "do it your self or don't do it at all". I am working on that, and this thread has been a huge leap for me on that front.

For now, I am going to stick with going to the cemetery and see how I do based on that and proceed as I need to. Perhaps a visit to the beach would be better suited to after the summer season and therefore I could have more peace,time to reflect and possibly let go of even more of my guilt,fears and find some forgiveness.

It is not an impossibility,it is just a "not right now" kind of thing.

First, it's not a bother. Seriously. Besides, it's not even so much sharing your load as helping to prop you up when the load makes you stumble. If that makes sense.

As for visiting the beach, I agree; wait until you're actually ready to do so. Or as ready as you can be. That will run a roto-tiller through your emotions, at best. But I'll be there for you when you do.

Thank you.

In light of recent events, I will be delaying any trips to the cemetery for at least a week or more.

Your prayers are appreciated.

Narzain and I have been watching the original Trek movies as I have never seen them. There was a quote in the final movie that knocked me out. It was in regards to progress. "Just because we can do a thing, does not mean we MUST do a thing." I really felt that one on a deep level. I feel that the beach visit fits this quote. I may be wanting to do this thing because I can not because I MUST. I have been thinking about this more and more with everything else that has been going on since last Thursday (see joys and concerns if you don't normally read that section) and this closure feels more and more important as I head to yet another painful loss.

I am going to weigh the overall benefits and detriments of this decision and will take my time with it, as I do not want to rush myself. It's been 29 years, so if it's waited this long, it can wait a little longer.

Right now, I just want a rock to climb under and stay there.

So, with recent events in mind, I am now facing,rather rapidly, a new facet to the things I have to face and deal with, and that is losing what is left of my family. Sure, I have cousins out there, but as I may have stated before I am in the middle of the age groups, with either with them being over 50 or under 30, geography worked against me as well growing up, so the ones closest to me in age,were too far away to be close to in any capacity.

I have known for a long time that I would eventually lose my grandma, it is inevitable after all, and I am not one who embraces the singularity idea, so I know that this is what is meant to happen. It does not mean, however, that I am ready for it to happen any time soon. I have past experience with the nursing home end with having done this before, so I am aware that I will be going through the grief process in the coming weeks and will find a numb place at the end called resolve.

My grandma is not my only worry here, as on the other end of my family, my dad's brother and his wife are not in good health, and one of dad's sisters is dealing with a husband how is suffering from dementia, so my stress is mostly of the charts right now. I felt after my dad died that my uncle would walk me down the aisle if I ever got married since my dad couldn't be there,but now I am looking at a very empty side of the room if I ever do get to get married. That scares me a lot.

I don't fear being alone, as I have been alone most of my life,but I guess it bothers me that I won't have anyone to care I'm gone, like I'm Eleanor Rigby, only the officiant doesn't even come...

Narzain is fond of saying that I will or have run a roto-tiller through my emotions when it comes to 'Harry" but right now,I think that I'm beyond that one, and am in quicksand with no way out. "This too shall pass", "That which does not kill me....",the highly NOT comforting "But she's lead a good life...", and the even more NOT comforting "But she's had 95 good years...." are flying around.

I want things to go back to being the way they were before last Thursday. I don't want to be cancelling her paper, her phone service,having to figure out what furniture we can use, go through her papers and find policies,clean out the fridge, pack up her things, cancel the cable,sell her home, or any of it. I just want my grandma back.

I thought I said my goodbye's and let go, but perhaps I did not do as good of a job as I thought.

No matter HOW prepared we think we are, its not easy. Long, lingering illnesses... sudden deaths.... NOTHING is easy. As one that's been there before, yes you do eventually find peace. Find balance. Find acceptance. BUT IT SUCKS. Mom's been gone for 13 years. There are days I hardly think about her, and there are times I hear a song and the waterworks start. All I can say is that we love you, you are not alone, don't be afraid to call on your loved ones and friends because we DO love you and want to be there for you.

Thank you.

I have a fear of becoming the person that no one wants to talk to because I cannot seem to have anything good to talk about, and am a downer. I was told that I "need to be strong" for my mom, my grandma and myself.

I AM TIRED OF HAVING TO BE STRONG ALL THE TIME!

There, I said it. I feel right now that if I do let myself fall apart to anyone that I will not go back together again,now or ever. I have had to "buck up", "suck it up" and "be strong" for everyone around me for so long now, that I feel like I am held together with spit and a prayer. One good breeze and poof! Humpty Dumpty has nothing on me.

I know Narzain will say that I can fall apart on him and that he will pick up the pieces, but I think that if I fall apart now, or ever for that matter, that I will not find all the pieces, pieces that I can't afford to lose. I am overwhelmed right now, and I can say from experience that this will become a routine that will settle down, but right now I feel like a bug under a magnifying glass on the hottest day in Death Valley.

I have had to be Wonder Woman and Super Man all in one all the time for the last several years of my life because my feelings are minor compared to my mothers/grandmas/fill in the blank. When grandpa went into a nursing home due to complications from M.S. I was in high school. I had to be strong for years. Then, my dad died and I had to be strong for my mom. Now, I have to be strong for her again.

When I lost my grandpa, nobody asked me how I was doing. It was all about how my mom and grandma were doing, as if I hadn't lost him too. When my dad died, it was all about my mom and how she was doing as if I hadn't lost a dad. (When my mom was asked how she was doing, she would reply, "WE are doing better." She didn't like that question either.)

I have been trying very hard NOT to cry in public, make other uncomfortable with what is going on,nor trying to be a bother to my friends who I feel must have more important things to do than listen to me cry at them. I'm so used to having to be the one others rely on for everything, I don't know how to let them help me,and let's face it kids, this is when I need a crash course.

I remember thinking when my dad died, while standing there receiving guests, that "I have to do this at least 2 more times." I've known this was coming and I have tried to be prepared for it. I am very philosophical in my beliefs on death,and can quite be empirical about it. Frankly, death does not scare me, nor do I see it as an end, but the next step in my life's journey,and even with all of that, I am still hurt, upset, and crying like a 2 year old.

I reverted to old habits the other day, when I told Narzain that I feel like I made this happen because I was too happy. On Wednesday, I ordered my long awaited new bathing suit, had had a job interview on Tuesday that I thought had gone well, and then BAM! Thursday happened, I felt like it was my fault because I had been too happy and that meant something bad had to happen to bring me down from my too high position. Yes, I know it is not the case (I have been chastised twice now by Narzain and one of my best friends)but like I said, it was an old habit.

I am going to be ROYALLY crabby, ROYALLY b****y, scared,angry, but I will find the acceptance eventually. I am going to go through the grieving process now, and again when the inevitable happens, but I will go through it now, as I have before with my grandpa and my other grandma when they went into their respective nursing facilities. It is an end, and I will grieve that end as I work to accept the new normal that is my life.

It is not easy, in fact it is not quite unlike Mr.Toad's Wild Ride (the one from the book, mind)and a little "Thelma and Louise" going over the cliff. I'll get through it, and while I'm doing so, I beg your patience as I get there.

We're here for you. Your feelings are NOT minor, and it's OK to feel them.

Like the song says, lean on me when you're not strong. I may not be able to carry you, but I can sure help prop you up.