I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny Quotes

“I’ve found that there’s no real comfort in success. There’s never time to slow down, sit back, and relax. But there did come a moment later in my career when I knew that I had truly made it as a comedian. After I presented Richard Pryor with the lifetime achievement award at the American Comedy Awards, we were backstage posing for pictures. He looked up at me and said, “I stole your album.” For a split second, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The great Richard Pryor stealing my material? I was honored and stunned at the same time. “In Peoria, I went into the record store and I put it under my jacket and I walked out,” he continued. “Richard, I get a quarter royalty on every album.” With that, Richard Pryor pulled out a quarter and handed it to me. To have your album stolen by Richard Pryor is quite an achievement.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“The closer you get to understanding humor, the more you begin to lose your sense of humor.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“Here are some of the towns I played last year: Carmel, Indiana; Hutchinson, Kansas; and Huntsville, Alabama. I even played Peoria. So why not limit my dates to easy-to-reach cities like Toronto, Chicago, and Reno? Easier still, why not just retire?”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“I am three-quarters Irish and one-quarter German, which makes me a very meticulous drunk. My father’s side was half Irish, half German, my mother is full Irish. Come to think of it, I don’t know of any German comedians. Most Germans don’t have a sense of humor. They are very literal. Someone once said that more funny things are said at a cocktail party in Paris than in an entire year in Germany.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“Whether blustery in words or weather, there’s no putting on airs in Chicago. It’s too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer to walk around with any pretenses. You’ve got to be as real and solid as one of those bone-in rib eyes served at Gibsons Steakhouse. It’s a city where you say what you mean, mean what you say, and, most importantly, where you must be able to back up what you say. All in all, this makes it a great place for comedians to sharpen their acts.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“Why, is one missing?” The story: “Did you take a shower?” Or: “I’ll get the half that eats.” The story: “I’m dating this girl and she works for a magician. Every night, he saws her in half. With my luck, I’ll get the half that eats.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“Everyone is probably familiar with the story about the new guy in prison on death row. The first day he’s locked up, another inmate yells out, “Twenty-four!” Everyone on death row breaks up laughing. A little time goes by and another prisoner shouts, “Seventeen!” Again, everyone cracks up. The new guy asks another inmate, “What is that?” The inmate says, “They are telling jokes. We all know the joke, so they just give the punch line.” The new guy says, “Let me try. Twenty-nine!” Nothing happens. The inmate says, “See, some people can tell jokes and some people can’t.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“I think it was Jack Benny who once said, “A comic says funny things, but a comedian says things funny.” I guess I’d fall into that latter grouping.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“I’ve noticed that people with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world. They also tend to be more humble in success and less defeated in times of travail.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny

“Years later, in 1989, my family in Chicago was at a Christmas gathering. My sister M.J. was seated next to my mother. Mom’s memory was beginning to fade. My mother said, “Is Dad with us?” M.J. said, “No, Mom, Dad died a few months ago.” Mom said, “There were times I could have killed him.” Then there was a pause and Mom said, “I didn’t, did I?” with a laugh.”
― Bob Newhart, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny