B.K. Brain's Blog

Yes, I used to write exclusively using my real name, Brian Holtz. And now I’m writng (Or re-releasing titles) under the pseudonym B. K. Brain. There are many reasons an author might do such a strange thing. He might not care for his given name. He might want to write different genres and brand himself differently for each. She might be hugely successful and wish to know if she could become so again as someone else. Maybe he’s so prolific the publisher says if he writes too much the public will get sick of seeing his stupid face.

Why am I doing it? It started as re-branding myself for each age group I write for. (I have one Y/A, one MIDDLE-GRADE, two COMEDY OF HORRORS and two DARK FANTASIES) But then, somewhere along the way, I warmed up to my alter-ego the way a person warms up to a kitten or a favorite curse word. It just felt right. Plus, I am a little crazy, as I suspect most writers are.

So there you have it. Call me Brian, call me Brain, call me B.K., or call me crazy. I’ll answer to anything, really.

Dr. Ama Zing

632 Sweets Street

Fiction City, AL 12345

(800) LUV-CATS

socool@yarhoo.org

Jennifer Yorgenstein, Agent

Big BUcks Agency

Yo Jennifer,

It was pretty cool meeting you at the confernce. I found your question and answer session on Friday kinda boring, but informative. I now send three chapters of my dark romance/literary/speculative/satire novel, Sparkely Bloodsuckers. I know, you didn’t request it, and you don’t handle vampire books, but I’m sure you’ll be amazed as soon as you read it. You’re welcome. The manuscript is almost done..

Brattness Epperdeen just got bit. She is now a vampire. Her friends don’t like her no more. She says, “well, screw them! You’s guys suck anyways! I’ll just go back to my charter school for wizards and learn spells like the other kids. I sure hope they don’t have a killing contest on that island this year!”

So, that’s about as far as I got so far. My mom read it and said she’s likes it a lot. That’s cool cuz my mom never likes anything I do, so it must be pretty damn good.

I read it to my cats, and they love it to.

The best part so far is where Brattniss looks in the mirror and describes herself so the reader knows how totally hot she is. That will sell lots of books, I think..

Fans of Dean Koontz will buythis novel, cuz I right better than him.

I am sending this on purple card stock, perfumed with Chanel #5. That shud get your attention pretty good. Careful when opening the box, there’s like five pounds of glitter in there.

A short synopsis is not included, because those are super hard to write. The first three chapters are included, which is like 82 words or something. Please make my huge advance check out to me, Dr. Ama Zing. I look forward to spending your munny and going on a super awesome book signing tour.

Peace out,

Doctor Zing

So there you go. Make sure your query letter does none of these things. Wow, this was fun to write.

Characters are what they do, and, just as important, what they try to do, even if they fail in disastrous fashion. Especially if they fail, I think. Reader sympathy skyrockets if the protagonist attempts a noble deed, loses, and then has to go back to the drawing board, bleeding with fresh wounds.

It works with the bad guys too. If the antagonist’s evil plan is foiled we still hate him all the more, don’t we? For trying to blow up the busload of nuns? Sure we do. What kind of jerk tries to kill nuns?

The point is this. People are defined by what they attempt to accomplish, good or bad, succeed or fail. Well, partially. What else defines a character?

A character is also seen by how others respond to him. Not only does this infer he had a life before the events of this story, but it shows how others have judged him in the past, how they are still judging him.

Habits, ticks and quirks give a character charm, flaws, charisma, etc. They can make a person really live and breathe on the page. And really bad habits can be the basis for entire storylines, themes, and growth.  Those little things called character arcs.

Humor. If the protagonist is funny, has the ability to make us smile, or laugh out loud (good luck making the reader laugh, it’s a super hard thing to do) we like him so much more, don’t we? Maybe even love him? A sense of humor is huge, it makes us connect with him quicker than just about any other way. We suddenly care what happens to him. It makes us tingle with excitement when he gets that well-deserved promotion, and curse when he takes a knife to the spleen.

A talent or natural ability is another way to make him likable. Everyone is drawn to people with talents, right? As long as they don’t gloat about it or show off. A humble protag with an amazing ability is not just interesting, it’s enticing. Intriguing. The reader will want to know more, I promise.

And most important of all, what does the character want, why does he want it, and what lengths will he go to get it? This not only defines him, it is the basis of the story. It is the story. When he gets what he’s been fighting for all along (Or utterly fails, if it’s a tragic ending) the tale is over. Drop the curtain. Stick forks in all the appropriate places. You’re done.

These are some of the things that make us feel for the people that populate our stories, and that’s the whole point, isn’t it? To feel something? It is for me.

That’s enough.

Reading is a shared experience. The author writes the words. The reader reads the words. The author provides the characters and settings, action and emotions. The reader takes all the description provided and visualizes the happenings in his mind’s eye. More than any other medium, he is an active participant in the story. He sees what I tell him to see, yes, but there’s a catch. He sees what I don’t describe as well. His mind fills in the unsaid details, anything he needs to activate the tale in his head. He fills in the blanks.

Because, like it or not, I can’t describe everything. If I did, one scene would take days, perhaps weeks to read, and years to write. As writers we zoom in on the important stuff and leave the rest in the background, blurry and out of focus, because it doesn’t really matter, right? Well yes…as long as I keep one thing in mind. What matters changes throughout the story.

Have you ever been in a car accident? Did things seem to slow down to a crawl as you watched the windshield smash into a million spidered chunks, the fender crumple as if it were made of shiny fabric, the sun glinting off newly-angled mountains of metal, plastic and glass? Did the world move like an old cassette player with dying batteries?

Or did the offending vehicle come from out of nowhere, leaving you with no images at all, just blackness, then pain, and then a weird smelling little room with a curtain hiding your new roommate? What commanded your attention when you first woke? Flowers in tall crystal vases? The smell of Clorox or perfume? Your blubbering mother?

If this were a scene in a story, where would I slow down, zoom in, zoom out, backtrack, notice everything, or black out and lose hours, seeing nothing at all? It’s my story, so I get to choose. Cool, huh? But leave out too much and the reader will feel cheated. Sit too long in one spot and the reader will get bored and start skimming. Skipping ahead. Looking for the good stuff. SKIMMING YOU SAY? DEAR GOD, NO!

Here’s another example, an excerpt from one of my books:

“— She spent the half hour trek looking over trimmed lawns, uncluttered driveways and vinyl siding. These yards weren’t heaped with rusty car parts, broken bicycles or torn pieces of mud-caked plastic tarp. Stacks of boxes full of records and cassette tapes, music nobody would ever listen to again, didn’t stand at the tops of concrete steps. The paint on these houses wasn’t flaked from years of wind-blown dirt, nor were the windows smeared or cracked.

These were nice homes with normal people inside. She wondered what it would be like to live here.

An elderly couple sat side by side at a porch swing enjoying the warm afternoon. They smiled and said hello as she walked by. There were no suspicious glares or harsh words. They looked happy.

She faced the sidewalk and kept walking. This wasn’t her neighborhood. She didn’t belong.

A left at Cedar and another five blocks east found an entirely different world. The people that lived here didn’t say hello. No one noticed the day’s warmth. How could they? They were too busy thinking bad things about each other, too busy hating their lives.   —–”

Here the details are doing double-duty, describing where she’s going, and in turn showing where she is. You can see both places clearly, at the same time, right? At least that was my intention. It’s just another way to play with description. Sometimes what something isn’t is just as important as what it is.

Once I release my book into the wild it ceases to be mine. It then belongs to the receiver of the story. He’ll meet me halfway, do some of the work, but only if he has faith in me, only if I’ve done my job. And a big part of my job is having faith in him, to see the world I describe, fill in the parts I don’t, and go along for the ride.

A novel an intimate, shared experience between author and reader. If we don’t trust each other, it all falls apart.

That’s enough for now

Adverbs, those obnoxious little L-Y words used to modify verbs, are everywhere you look. From novels to cookbooks, annual reports to PBS artists who quite enjoy painting happy little clouds, amazingly and spontaneously.

Stephen King, in his book On Writing, says: “The adverb is not your friend.” I’d agree with that. They seem to be employed by timid writers who have no confidence in the verbs they’ve used. I’m as guilty as anyone, just read some of my early writing and you will see for yourself.

He closed the door firmly.

What? How about saying he slammed the door? A basic example, but as good as any, I think. “Firmly closed” seems to dance all around the word “slammed” like a lonely puppy. The door wants to be slammed, wishes it was good enough to be slammed. But it’s too timid, too insecure. Don’t be afraid. Slam the freakin’ door already! Shake the room! Shatter the windows, for hell’s sake! Let’m know you’ve arrived!

He slammed the door. You’re damn right he did, and he’d do it again. No fear.

The point is, adverbs make otherwise good writing less than what it set out to be. You may be thinking, “I’ve heard this all before, Mr. Canoe. Tell me something I don’t know.” To that I say, you’d be surprised how many authors let adverbs creep into their writing and don’t realize it, unpublished and published alike. It’s a mantra worth repeating.  “The adverb is not your friend.” Say it with me now. “The adverb is not your friend.”

Still with me? Okay.

“I hate you,” she stated forcefully. Blah.

He ran quickly. Bleck. What’s wrong with he raced? Nothing. Not a damn thing. And by the way, is there a way to run slowly? Oh yeah…he jogged. Pick a verb and let it stand with pride. (Notice how I didn’t say stand proudly?)

Now there are times where an adverb can be useful. (Dare I say necessary? Perhaps…) It’s up to the author to decide where and when. Just so I’m being clear, each time should be a conscious decision. And the questions, “Is it needed here?” and “Is the sentence stronger with or without this word?” should be asked every time. Even then the answer will be no more often than not. Break the rules at your own risk.

And never firmly close a door. Slam the bitch, I say. Slam it.

That’s enough for now.

So, a blog, huh? It seems everybody’s got one these days. From folks listing their favorite movies and actors, to rants that go on for pages about religion or politics- Or perhaps the pros and cons of their favorite cheese-based recipes, it seems there is no shortage of subjects to find, no opinion too racy, no dish too cheesy, to expound upon from the mountaintop like a digital Moses.

Thou shalt hear my opinion of the Kardashians…whether thy like it or not-eth. 

Don’t get me wrong, some people have important things to say. It’s just that sometimes I wonder where those people are, or why they are currently going on about the Olson twins. But I digress.

So let’s begin by stating what I will not be talking about. I will not be discussing the afore mentioned Kardashians, not the sizes of their butts, nor the sexual reassignments of their Bruces.

I will not be sharing pictures of funny cats or bunnies.

I will not write lengthy passages telling you how great I am, how smart I am, or why I’m so much better than other people. My ego will be mine, and mine alone. The status of my self-esteem is for me to know, and others to ponder.

This blog will not be an endless advertisement for my books. If I have a new one coming out I will mention it, naturally, and post a link to where it can be found. That’s it.

And there are many, many other topics which I will not be addressing, but I think you get the idea.

“Well, Mr. Douchebag,” you may be thinking, “Just what will you be blogging about, then?” Well, I’ll tell you. And don’t call me a douchebag. I prefer douche canoe.

I will be talking about writing. The point A to point B of it, good and bad advice I’ve gotten over the years, what works for me (and what doesn’t) and all the encouraging and discouraging feedback I’ve gotten from agents, editors and beta-readers. But mostly about the process itself. Maybe there are some writers out there that will find what I have to say useful or informative…Or maybe even irritating, but that’s okay too. Feel free to let me know in the comments. If it smells like bullshit, by all means, point it out. I am not perfect and I may have gone nose-blind to my own farmyard, so to speak. These things happen.

So that’s it, really. I will likely just be jabbering to myself. I’m okay with that. But if there is one person out there who reads this and wants to post a comment, just remember. Canoe, not bag.

That’s enough for now.

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Happy blogging!