R.E. Vance's Blog

You’ve heard of Atlantis, right? Of course you’ve heard of Atlantis. We’ve all heard of Atlantis. If you haven’t, then you’re lying. Atlantis is innate knowledge nowadays - but did you know that Atlantis is only one of many mysterious sunken cities? I’ve put together a list of six underwater masterpieces you’ve likely never heard of.

Kitezh

Beneath Lake Svetloyar in Mother Russia is a mythical city that only of pure heart and soul can enter.

It all started in the 13th century. Georgy II (Grand Prince of Vladimir) built a town on the Volga River by the name of Maly Kitezh (little Kitezh), then stumbled upon Lake Svetloyar and built a second town there, Bolshoy Kitezh (big Kitezh). Batu Khan was on the rampage at the time - tearing up the Russian countryside with his Mongol horde - he heard about the two towns and decided he wanted them for himself. He took Maly Kitezh easily and Georgy was forced to flee to the bigger Kitezh.

A captured prisoner informed Batu Khan of some secluded paths through the woods to the bigger Kitezh. Seeing an opportunity to seize the town by surprise, Khan quickly marched his horde through the forest, but was stunned when the town came within sight. It was defenseless. Not a wall in sight. Not only that, but the town's inhabitants seemed to have no interest in fighting - they were on their hands and knees, praying to God for salvation.

Taking the city would be a walk in the park. Khan’s Golden Horde made to storm the town, but as they reached the buildings edges they were forced back. Fountains of water burst up around the city and launched the Mongols into the air. The horde retreated, and watched in astonishment as the town began to sink into the lake. Eventually, on the dome of the cathedral was left, but that sunk beneath the waves too.

Stand on the shores of Lake Svetloyar on a calm day, and you might be able to hear the chiming bells of the cathedral beneath the waves - and the soft singing of the city saved by God.

Ys

Europeans may well have heard of this one. It’s one of the more well-known submerged mythical cities. Ys beginnings in Brittany are uncertain: some believe the city was built below sea level by Gradlon himself, whilst others think Ys existed before Gradlon’s reign and was originally constructed on dry land. Over thousands of years the sea had risen, and the city now found itself threatened by the rising waves. The sea was held at bay by a dike surrounding the city, and ships would be let in through a locked gate. King Gradlon was the only person with the key.

So Gradlon had inherited one of the most magnificent cities in Europe - but it had a big problem with damp.

Another problem was Gradlon’s daughter, Dahut. She was a loose cannon and a source of embarrassment for Gradlon. Dahut was consistently bringing down the reputation of the city by organizing orgies, and had developed a habit of killing her lovers when she had finished with them. A charming lady, you might agree. One day a prince clothed in red came to Ys and spent the night with Ys. It was a particularly stormy night (outside, and in the bed sheets) and the prince queried the safety of the city.

‘Let the storm rage. The gates of the city are strong, and it is King Gradlon, my father, who owns the only key, attached to his neck.’ said Dahut, to which the prince replied, ‘Your father the king sleeps. You can now easily take his key.’ She did just that and handed it to the red prince, who was the devil in princely garb. He took the key and unlocked the gate, which allowed a wave as large as a mountain into the city.

Gradlon and Dahut tried to escape the tsunami by climbing on Morvac’h, the king’s magical horse. The weight of the two of them was too much for the horse to handle, and Gradlon was instructed by Saint Winwaloe to, ‘push back the demon sitting behind you!’ The king initially refused, but eventually relented and removed his daughter from his horse. The salty waters took Dahut and turned her into a mermaid, Marie-Morgane. Gradlon escaped the now submerged city, and took up residence in Quimper.

Like Kitezh, locals say that on a quiet day the bells of the city can be heard below the waves. It is also commonly said that Paris was named after the mythical city of Y’s - ‘par Ys’ means ‘similar to Ys’ in Breton.

Vineta

On the southern coast of the Baltic Sea there once existed the mythical city of Vineta. The exact location of the city is unknown, and various sources map the city at either Ruden, Wolin or Barth, in northern Germany. There are a number of myths concerning the disappearance of the city - but they all share a common ethos; the Vinetans were punished for their immoral, hedonistic, and greedy way of life by way of a flood, which washed the city into the Baltic Sea.

Traces of the city can be found in various texts from 900 - 1190 and the authors describe the city as a hub of trade and commerce. In 1080, Adam of Bremen describes Wolin - the potential site of Vineta - as ‘the largest of all cities Europe has to offer, in which live Slavs and other tribes, Greeks and barbarians,’ where, ‘nothing desirable or rare is unobtainable.’ Wolin suffered greatly from incursions by Danes in the 12th century, and trade suffered as a result. The city would no longer be the ‘largest city’ in Europe.

Llys Helig

Llys Helig is actually the name of a rock off the coast of north Wales, near Penmaenmawr. ‘I thought this was a post about sunken cities!’ you cry. It is! It is - old folk tales suggest that the rock formations are actually the remains of Prince Helig ap Glanawg, who lived in the 6th century.

Much like Ys, the palace was taken by the sea due to the actions of Glanawg’s daughter, Gwendud. Gwendud was a beautiful young woman with an evil heart, and she was constantly being sought after by the not so gentle gentleman, Tathal. Eventually, he won her over, but as the son of the Baron of Snowdon Tathal was too low of birth for her. She convinced him that the only way they could be married is if he wore the golden torc of a nobleman.

Like Gwendud, Tathal was a cruel fellow. He murdered a Scottish chieftain for the golden torc placed around the man’s wrist. The tale varies here, some say that Tathal lied to Gwendud and told her he had killed a man in self-defense whist traveling, and had then taken the man's torc, in another version Tathal tells her the truth and she helps to cover up the crime. In any case, she and her father consented to the marriage - but the proceedings were interrupted by the spirit of the Scotsman, who swore revenge.

Then, nothing happened. Gwendud and Tethal lived happy lives, their children lead happy lives, their children's children lead happy lives… the Scotsman took revenge on Gwendud and Tethal’s great-great-grandchildren. During another large party in the palace (24/7 party palace) a maid was sent to retrieve more wine from the cellar. The cellar was full of water, and informed her lover - the court minstrel. They escaped the palace and watched from the shore as a series of waves submerged the palace. By morning, the Helig’s Palace had been completely submerged.

On exceptionally low tides the rocks can be seen, and an expedition in the 1800’s lead by Reverend Charlton Hall claimed to find an ancient wall in the area. Underwater, and covered in seaweed.

Saeftinghe

Unlike the others, there is definite evidence of Saeftinhe’s existence. History tells us how the land was submerged - but there’s also a common legend surrounding the coming of the sea in this small patch of land in the Netherlands.

Like Vineta, Saeftinhe was a prosperous city in the southwest Netherlands. The people suffered from the trinkets brought in by trade, and the growing power of the city in which they lived. They became rich, but vain and prissy. Even common farmers were dressed in fine embroidered clothing, their horses wore silver jewelry and the houses were made of gold. As happens with prosperous cities the wealth of Saeftinghe drew the interest of the poor - but rather than taken in by the rich residents, the poor were chased away. So began the fall of Saeftinghe.

Not long later a fisherman caught a mermaid on the coast. The mermaid told him that the city needed to change its ways, or all those living there would be punished. The fisherman did not immediately free the mermaid, and the mermaids husband came to the surface of the water and asked for her to be freed. The fisherman refused, and so the merman cursed the city; ‘The lands of Saeftinghe will fall, only its towers will continue to stand tall!’

The citizens in the city became more and more narcissistic and greedy. They cared only about themselves, their appearance, and the wealth of the city. They spent their time adorning their horses with garments, and crafting jewelry. No one thought to maintain the dikes that kept the sea at bay.

One day a maid pulled up a bucket full of fishes from one of the cities wells. The fresh water had turned salty, and it was clear to her then that the sea was closing in. Soon after, a huge flood hit the land on which the city stood, and the nearby towns of Namen, Casuwele and Sint-Laureins were swept away.

Surrounded by the sea, and slowly slipping into the boggy landscape, was Saeftinghe.

The myth is not too different from the real story. After being drained in the 13th century, the lands of Saeftinghe were occupied and worked until 1570 when the land was taken by the All Saint’s Flood. Saeftinghe found itself an island in the middle of the bog. It lasted another 14 years, until in 1584 the last dike was destroyed by Dutch soldiers during the Eighty Years War.

Shambhala

Alright, so Shambhala isn’t a sunken city. I’ll admit that much, but I wanted to include it here. Sure, it’s not under the sea, but Shambala is under the ground. You could say it’s submerged beneath the earth - a brown sea of soil. *note to self, never use the phrase; ‘brown sea’ ever again*.

This mythical city exists in the Hollow Earth of the Tibetan and Hindu religions. In the Hindu texts, the city is the birthplace of the final incarnation of Vishnu; Kalki. Kalki’s coming will lead to the Satya Yuga - a time when humanity is governed by the gods and everything is good and sexy. Enough about the cities famous resident, however. Let’s get back to the city itself.

In Buddhist teachings, Shambala is ruled over by Maitreya and is the home of a huge army of light, who will invade the real world when that world declines into chaos, war, greed and violence. This purification of the world will lead to a Golden Age - much like the Hindu reading of Shambala and the coming of Kalki.

Over time, Shambala has become a kind of pure, idealized land for the Buddhist faith. Unlike other mythic cities and monotheistic religions, the city is as much spiritual as physical - a kind of inner city as much as one hidden below the earth. This is in keeping with the history of Shambala before the Hindu and Buddhist faiths - it’s origins exist well before these religions, existing potentially as a belief system or shamanic tradition.

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On the advent of Buddhism, all animals (other than those that became envoys to the gods) lost their divinity. The tanuki was obviously one of these, and I can’t imagine it was very happy about it. You see, rumour has it that before Buddhism the cute little Japanese raccoon dog occupied a very powerful position - as governor of all things in nature. So if you had a problem with the way things were organised, then you’d go visit your local tanuki.

Following this fall from grace, the tanuki became a yokai known as the Bake-danuki (ghost or evil spirit) - but it’s far different from the terrifying spirits we have come to know from Japanese horror. Bake-danuki is a prankster, and particularly enjoys shapeshifting into objects, people and animals to fool us. If shapeshifting wasn’t enough, they’re also gifted with the ability to possess humans.

There is a saying in Japanese that the fox has seven disguises, the tanuki has eight, which puts the tanuki above the fox on the scale of animals-you-should-not-trust - that’s not to say that the tanuki is incapable of doing good for others, however. In one of the most famous folktales a rescued tanuki rewards the poverty-stricken rescuer by turning into teapot, which the rescuer then sells to a monk for a good price. The tanuki struggles against the heat of the flames and turns back into a tanuki, it returns to the poor man with a better idea; to set up a stall showing a teapot walking a tightrope. The show is a hit. The poor man becomes wealthy, and they both become close friends. 

There are many, many tales like this about the tanuki, and over the years the little Japanese raccoon dog has appeared in a large number of artworks. The most hilarious being those produced in the Edo period, which emphasised the tanuki’s impressively large testicles. In the paintings, the tanuki uses its balls as boats, sails or boats, umbrellas, large sacks, cloaks… it’s quite impressive. Purses and wallets made of tanuki testicals are a good luck charm, that will stretch the value of the coins placed inside.

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Finding your soulmate is tough. But sometimes the perfect mate is someone dismissed out of hand simply because they’re a different species. Sure, cuddling with a porcupine might be tough, but love is an endless supply of bandaids. 

And as for ogres … well, they get a bad rap, but why? In this article we explore the pros to marrying the beast with that huge nose.

So put aside your prejudices and open your hearts to an ogre. Happiness might just be one green brute away:

1.   If sensitivity isn’t your thing: In this modern world of safe-spaces, validated feeling and participation trophies, you have to be in touch with your feelings to fit in. But what if that’s hard for you? Marry an ogre. A true ogre will never insist you sit up all night exploring your feelings, never get angry because you forgot an anniversary or demand you play videogames with them. They won’t even ask about your day. So if feelings aren’t your thing, then an ogre just might be.

2.   They won’t care about the mess: Laundry everywhere, dirty dishes and capless toothpaste are just a few of the messes an ogre wouldn’t care about. If you’re messy and don’t care, then marrying one of these green giants just might be the mate you need.

3.   And as for the smell: With a mess comes the smell and ogres live by one philosophy – the smellier it is, the better.

4.   Never worry about pickle jars again: Ogres are strong and there isn’t a pickle jar on this planet that they can’t handle. So line up that dill, stock those Polish Gherkins, and get ready to feast.

5.   Like meat? So do ogres. So much so that any flesh based creature is fair game. So if you’re curious what lion meat tastes like or have no qualms with cannibalism, then sous-chefing with an ogre might just be for you.

6.   Your neighbors will never complain about anything, ever: You like to party in the wee hours of the night. Go for it. You like to blast Metallica at full volume. The louder the better. Inspired by Whiplash but got no rhythm. No worries—bang at those drums until you bleed. Your neighbors will never complain. Not when they risk an ogre answering the door.

7.   And speaking of noise: Ogres are into being loud. War cries and battle drums are their thing. So if Slayer is your Barry White and the haka is pre-coitus foreplay, then look no further. An ogre might just be the perfect lover for you.

8.   In a world filled with ogres, the apocalypse is probably not far behind: At the end of the world, an ogre mate is a good idea. After all, when we digress into the inevitable pillaging, raiding and killing, who do you want by your side? The weekend warrior who finished Tough Mudder … or an actual tough mudderf***er.

9.   Everything on them is big: need I say more? Whether your thing is boobs, gonads or both, they got you covered.

Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE and join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE. 

In Native American mythology, the Deer Woman is a shape-shifting woman whose appearance is never quite stable. She is described as being either young or old, with hooves in place of feet. In some tales, she takes the whole form of a deer - and then in others the split is roughly half-woman half-deer, the lower half being that of a white-tailed deer. I haven’t found any stories that switch this around; deer-headed with a human lower body. I think this is a real shame. Would make for some hilarious illustrations.

Anyway, the Deer Woman has a mixed history. Today, she is widely known as a temptress, taking the form of a beautiful woman and luring men to their death. The method of death is traditionally magical; the men are entranced by the deer and starve to death, or waste away. Modern horror stories like to gorify the act of killing, so the Deer Woman stomps the unfortunate man to death.

Not all who are lured into her presence are killed, however. The Deer Woman tries her best to hide her hooven feet, because, if noticed, the spell is broken. The smoke from tobacco accompanied by chanting can also ward her away. When the spell is broken the Deer Woman flees as quickly as possible, but in some cases this is not possible - it is said that if a man identifies the woman's cloven feet and then sleeps with her, then he can temporarily capture her until she gives him her power - usually enabling him to become a better rider or warrior. If this is not done correctly, however, then the man can turn mad

Deer Women love to dance, and often join in the festivities of the powwow. This interaction with the everyday hints at the role of the Deer Woman in more traditional tales - as a symbol of fertility, but one of control and civilized union. She plays a protective role over the community - encouraging strong bonds between married couples, whilst also tempting away (and killing) dangerous males.

Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE and join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE. 

Dragons. Massive reptilian creatures with interlocking scales whose breath can burn a person to cinders within seconds. The beating of their wings bends trees at the trunk, and at full spread they stretch a fields length. Then there are the claws; curved knives at the end of each toe that can tear flesh from the bone in one quick, leisurely, swipe.

But this is just the European dragon.

There are many dragons out there in the mythos, and they’re all different from one another. You’ve likely heard of the Chinese dragon too; a lengthy snake-like, four-legged creature with a large head similar to that of a boar. These are often paraded during festivals, but there are many other kinds of dragon in Chinese lore. Lake dragons, winged dragons, dragons that guard the underworld from thieves, two headed dragons, shapeshifting dragons and some are even legless (not drunk, but lacking legs - although, maybe they are drunk too - who knows?)

There are Indian dragons, Japanese dragons, Korean dragons, Slavic and Turkish and Albanian dragons… and they’re not all the same thing. They have similarities, for sure, but there are enough differences there to keep things interesting. So I give you; The Diverse World of Dragons *fanfare*.
Nāga

A Nāga is an Indian dragon that often appears as a huge king cobra. They are violent and aggressive creatures that possess great muscular strength, and like the king cobra, they’re fangs are capable of delivering fatal venom into the bloodstream of anything that gets in their path.

Despite these characteristics, Nāga’s are not all bad. Some act on the side of good, and a good number are pretty neutral. In Hinduism, Nāga’s are in fact nature spirits that guard bodies of water and can even bless the lands surrounding them. Of course, if you get on a Nāga’s bad side you can expect drought or floods - but keep it happy and you’ll get a damn fine harvest.

Unlike most European dragons, the Nāga can take human form and make curious individuals. In this state they are not aggressive - but can quickly become so if angered or mistreated. In the Buddhist faith, Nāga’s can often have more than one head, which makes the dragon significantly more dangerous.

Japanese Dragon - Ryū

These tend to be good guys - Japanese dragons are heavily influenced by the Chinese and Indian dragons. So it’s unsurprising to hear that the Japanese dragon - much like the buddhist reading of Nāga - is associated with rain, bodies freshwater, and the sea. There are further similarities between the two, and the Japanese borrow heavily from Indian folklore - such as the history of the underwater kingdom in which the Nāga kings live.

Ryū are snake-like in appearance and don’t often have wings. They have short clawed feet and generally are physically very similar to the Chinese Long, but usually have three claws instead of the Chinese four/five. Like many characters in folklore, the Japanese dragons are often quest givers and can easily manipulate the texture of the world around them - perform a deed for a local dragon, and your wish to become emperor might just come true…

Bukunawa

Another moon-swallowing creature, the Bukunawa is a Philippine dragon that threatens to swallow the moon forever. However, the creature is often scared away from total digestion by loud noise or music - and in these circumstances is forced to regurgitate the moon and return home, which is deep under the sea. We know these incidents as eclipses.

The Filipinos believe there are seven moons, not one, and that these moons were created by Bathala to keep the sky light at night. But every time Bathala let a moon rise into the sky the Bukunawa would launch itself from the water and eat it whole. Bathala wasn’t impressed, but there wasn’t a whole lot he could do about it either. He instructed the island's residents to gather outside with cookware and make as much noise as possible so as to confuse and scare the dragon away.

There is a short tales that details the history of the Bukunawa further. Apparently the deep-sea dwelling creature had a sister by who was a sea turtle. She would lay her eggs on the shore, but every time she did so she would bring waves with her which would not settle back to their normal levels after she had left. So, they killed the turtle, and the Bukunawa didn’t like this at all. It’s desire to eat the moon stemmed from this incident.

Lindworm

Away from the East we have the European dragons which are quite different (though equally as fierce). The lindworm is one such example - a serpent creature with no wings, two claws, and an alarmingly strong jaw. You might remember the post on apocalypses - if so, then you’ll remember the Norse concept of the end of the world, and how a creature known as Jörmungandr arrives on the land from the sea. Well, this foul demon is a lindworm. Perhaps the most famous lindworm of them all.

The lindworms physical appearance can vary, however. There are lindworms with four legs or none. There are those privileged enough to have wings. However, most lindworms are snakey, slithery creatures with only two claws with which they pull themselves around.

The stories surrounding the lindworm are various - in many they occupy negative space, and are truly demonic and foul creatures. It’s poisonous bite allows it to kill quickly, and so it has no reason to fear us humans. In Norse mythology the lindworms gnaw at the very bottom of the roots of Yggdrasil, and you can see the influence of the Norse in many tales - in which the lindworms rise from below the earth.

Wyvern

I can imagine the wyvern is familiar to many of us. We know the wyvern as a two-legged dragon with all the features typical of such a creature - there are however also underwater wyverns, who do not have the traditional tail, but a fin instead. Their similarities to dragons makes is difficult to tell them apart. Many a dragon has been called a wyvern by an ignorant writer, and that writer has often been turned to a charred corpse only seconds later…

Wyverns are often considered to be ‘lesser’ dragons. Many wyverns are incapable of breathing fire, and they tend to be smaller than the larger dragon. The wyvern is similar to the lindworm in that they operate largely with poison - though the wyvern has poisonous breath rather than a poison bite. Like the lindworm, there are no redeeming characteristics to a wyvern - they’re unpleasant, foul creatures akin to demons.

Slavic Dragons - Zmey Gorynych & Zmaj

Slavic dragons have much in common with their European counterparts, except they often have more than one head and some can even regenerate limbs. The two names above are specific dragons types - the first, Zmey Gorynych, is a creature particular to Ukrainian and Russian mythology, and the second is a creature of South Slavic origin which is said to be very wise, have incredible strength, and possesses magical abilities.

Zmey Gorynych is a more traditional dragon. It has four legs, though only walks on the rear two, and does all the traditional dragon things - spits fire, munches flesh, throws people around… the number of heads isn’t detailed, but paintings show the Zmey Gorynych owning three heads or more.

The Zmaj is altogether more interesting. Sure it has strength and knowledge and magical abilities, but it’s also said to possess great wealth and has a lustful desire for women. It can reproduce with human woman, and it lurks in the neutral zone of good vs bad. It’s not the most benevolent of creatures, but neither is it the darkest evil. Like other dragons it can breathe fire, but unlike other dragons it’s often highly respected - which makes it sound like an upstanding member of the local community.

They also have the Aždaja, which like the Zmey Gorynych which has many heads but is a creature of absolute pure evil. It lives deep in caves and dark areas and tends to guard specific locations. It’s basically a monster to slay in fairytales, which is rather unfortunate. It’s not really a dragon either - more of an evil creature - but it and the Zmaj get confused frequently.

They also have the Aždaja, which like the Zmey Gorynych which has many heads but is a creature of absolute pure evil. It lives deep in caves and dark areas and tends to guard specific locations. It’s basically a monster to slay in fairytales, which is rather unfortunate. It’s not really a dragon either - more of an evil creature - but it and the zmaj get confused frequently.

There are many other types of dragon existing in the world today. Chuvash dragons, Romanian dragons, Asturian dragons… maybe we will document more in later articles!

These tend to be good guys - Japanese dragons are heavily influenced by the Chinese and Indian dragons. So it’s unsurprising to hear that the Japanese dragon - much like the Buddhist reading of Nāga - is associated with rain, bodies freshwater, and the sea. There are further similarities between the two, and the Japanese borrow heavily from Indian folklore - such as the history of the underwater kingdom in which the Nāga kings live.

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Astarte; lustful badass of the ancient world. She's had as many names as men throughout history, known in different cultures as Ishtar, Inanna, Astarte, Ashtoreth... the list goes on.

Some of her earliest appearances can be traced back to the Middle East - way back when it wasn't the Middle East - under the names Ishtar or Inanna. As goddess of love, war, sex and fertility she was a real force to be reckoned with and even makes an appearance in the ancient bestselling novel, Epic of Gilgamesh. In a famous chapter, Gilgamesh refuses Ishtar's advances and she returns home vowing revenge. She demands her father (the high god, Anu) give her the Bull of Heaven to unleash on Gilgamesh, and if he doesn't give her the Bull, then she'll 'break in the doors of hell and smash the bolts [...] I shall bring up the dead to eat food like the living; and the hosts of the dead will outnumber the living.'

I'm sure we've all been there - didn't get what you wanted for Christmas? Threaten to bust open the doors of hell, and watch your parents scramble around to get you that book you always wanted. 

The name Astarte appears as a Hellenized form of Ishtar. The goddess became popular in Egypt and Phoenicia, and an adapted version found its way into the Greek Pantheon as Aphrodite. Astarte was a more warlike incarnation of Ishtar, and though she'd dropped out of the sacred prostitution trade she was still a lady of 'leisure' and fertility.

In later years views of Astarte shifted, particularly during the rise of the Jewish faith. She is condemned in the Hebrew Bible, and worship of the 'Queen of Heaven' slowly became blasphemous. She became a demon of lust for many, and became connected with Astaroth, the Great Duke of Hell.

Familiar with both the heavenly and hellish, Astarte knows how it feels to fall from grace. From feisty and flirtatious beginnings as Ishtar, to the warlike Astarte, to a fallen deity in later religions - she's seen it all. I mean it. She's seen it all.

Of course, that’s what history thinks happened. In Season Two of Paradise Lot: Keep Evolving, we have a bit of fun with history's inaccuracies. 

Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE and join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE. 

Let’s be honest, there are a lot of mythical creatures walking around in the GoneGod World. Some of them are painfully obvious, standing out in ways that make sore thumbs positively innocuous. Sure, sore thumbs stand out, but they pale in comparison to extra appendices, wings, claws and, either massive or minuscule, size.

There’s no mistaking an angel with their dove-like wings, an ogre with their tusk filled jaws or a phoenix with their fiery (as in literally on fire) bodies.

But what about the mythical creatures that are harder to identify … the ones that you need to do a double-take just to be sure?

Cover those ears and an elf is just a Tom Cruise-level looking dude.

From the waist up a centaur is just the cover model to a Harlequin novel.

And that babe whose too good to be true might just be a succubus sucking you of your life-force by … ahh … well, you get it.

Then things get even more complicated when you add in magic. Illusionary … or rather, delusionary magic can convince any casual onlooker that they’re human, when they’re, well, not.


Gnomes are one such creature that could be human, but then again, really aren’t.


And given that the little tinker-wizards hate outsiders and hate being an outsider even more, it is common for gnomes to cast a wee spell on themselves just to fit in.


The following will help you decide if your neighbor is a gnome or just a short, hairy human.


So let’s play a round of ‘Are they or are they not human?’ and get to the bottom of this once and for all …


1 - Gnomes like being underground. And the deeper the better. Their philosophy is, ‘Who needs light to brighten your day, when the dark hides everything you probably don’t want to be looking at anyway?’ But make no mistake, just because they like to be underground, doesn’t mean they like to be inside. Gnomes love caves, underground caverns, subterranean rivers … in other words, they love nature. Sunless nature, sure, but nature nonetheless. So if the person in question spelunks on the weekend and lives in a basement, despite several above ground apartments being available, then they might be a gnome.


BONUS: If they own a pet mole and their best friend is a morlock, then they’re definitely a gnome.


2 - Gnomes are basically blind. OK, that’s not true, they can see in the dark but it’s more of a ‘sixth sense’ kind of sight. In the light, they need glasses. And not just glasses, but glasses upon glasses. So if your co-worker is tripling up on the reading glasses and has a magnifying glass in hand, chances are they are a gnome.


BONUS: If their glasses are literally two coke bottles strapped together, they’re most certainly a gnome.


3 - Gnomes own bespoke screwdrivers. And I’m not talking about the fancy screwdrivers you can get at a vintage store or some high-end haberdashery. I’m talking one-of-a-kind screwdrivers that were specifically designed for screw heads that only exist in their home. Gnomes are tinkers of the Nth degree … or rather GNth degree … and bespoke tools are kind of their thing.


BONUS: If your buddy has a bespoke Adjustable Wood Hole Saw Circle Cutter Drill Bit Kit Wood Working Twist Hole in their basement apartment, then they’re definitely a gnome … Scratch that: If they not only know what an Adjustable Wood Hole Saw Circle Cutter Drill Bit Kit Wood Working Twist Hole is, but can also give you a twenty minute lecture on the history of the device, then they’re a gnome supreme.


4 - Gnomes figgin’ love darts. They can’t get enough of them. They’re constantly spending their day throwing those little needles at random targets and keeping score. So if they have gold, silver, platinum and obsidian darts with their name engraved on them, then they might be a gnome.


BONUS: If your date insists on playing darts and pulls out their own set ... well, then, alarm bells should be ringing. But if that set comes with several elixirs labelled with words like, “Sleep”, “Paralyse”, “Charm”, etc.,... then your date is most certainly, undeniably a gnome.


5 - Gnomes are loyal to a fault. As in ridiculously so ...

BONUS: If your friend’s reaction to you coming over and saying, “I need your help slaying a dragon,” is to grab their bag of darts, then, sir or madam, that person is a gnome … and a friend to the end.

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I’m sure I’ve mentioned the yōkai in an article already, but maybe I haven’t gone over them in detail. So, yōkai are essentially supernatural creatures from Japanese folklore. They can be spirits, or monsters, or creatures, or really rather human - and their characters are equally as various. Some are deadly, whilst others are actually harmless and rather friendly. So let’s begin.

The Tōfu-kozō are harmless servant-creatures that are frequently seen in towns and cities in Japan, delivering tofu and sake to their masters. They are a harmless variety of Yōkai and are very shy - though those who persevere and make the Tōfu-kozō feel comfortable will enjoy their cheeky and humorous nature. Unfortunately, they often get disorientated when travelling from one master to another, and so end up following humans around the city - hoping to find their sense of direction.

They are easily recognised by their short stature and wide-brimmed straw hats (kasa). Their clothing often features rich patterns - lucky charms - which ward off smallpox. This can include daruma dolls, swinging drums, horned owls and red fish. Records suggest they originated in the Edo period, and fit comfortably in with other Yōkai that are often depicted enjoying tofu. The small tofu servants are now often seen on packaging for tofu in Japan.

Later incarnations of the Tōfu-kozō turned their mischievousness - they would offer those surrounding it a taste of the tofu it carried. Those who tasted the tofu agreed that it was fine tofu, but on eating half of the tofu it would suddenly turn to mold. Tasty stuff.

Said to be a major influence to Monty Python’s instantly recogniseable giant foot, the Ashiarai Yashiki is a giant dirty foot, bristling with hairs, that crashes through the ceiling of residential homes in Japan and demands to be cleaned. If you refuse to clean the often mud caked (or blood caked, in some instances) hairy foot, then said foot will angrily stomp around your home smashing and breaking anything it comes into contact with.

However, clean the foot and everything goes back to the way it was before the giant hairy fleshy foot fell through the ceiling. Except, of course, there’s still that massive hole in the roof that you now have to fix.

If you do a really good job - perhaps perfume it, give it a massage - then it will give you a big kiss before it leaves.

(Okay, alright. I made that last bit up).

The akaname is a night-dwelling demon that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most courageous. Descriptions of the creature are rare, though many depict it as a small, red, goblin-like Yōkai. The ‘aka’, of ‘akaname’ means both ‘red’ and ‘filth’, hence its red appearance, but you might be wondering where ‘filth’ comes in.

The akaname haunts bathrooms at night, occupying itself by licking the dirt and mould that accumulates between the tiles.

Can it hurt you? No. Will it scare you? No, probably not. Akaname are shy creatures and are rarely seen by humans. However, if you have an akaname in your home then it’s a sure sign that you need to clean your bathroom. Akaname can spread sickness and disease - but then, so too can dirty and mould - so what does an akaname do, exactly?

It licks your filth, and I suppose some people would find that scary.

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(Image from http://thinkingsidewayspodcast.com/ge...)

This is not a mythological creature, per se, but a story interesting enough to be told. It negotiates the space between haunting and manifestation, and begins on a small farm on the Isle of Man. The buildings were owned by the Irving family - mother Margaret, father James and their daughter Voirrey, who was thirteen at the time of the creatures manifestation. 

It began in September 1931, when the family began to notice strange rustling noises behind the wall panels in the farmhouse. After some prompting, the noise introduced itself as a mongoose called Gef, and claimed it was born in India, in New Delhi. It gave it’s birthdate as 1852 - which would have made it 99 years old on discovery. I’m sure you don’t need to be told that the standard mongoose doesn’t live that long! 

Gef informed the family that he was no ordinary creature, but an ‘extra, extra clever mongoose’ - however it was unclear whether Gef was limited to mongoose form. Though sometimes seen, he was more of an invisible presence around the house and he once claimed that he hands, ‘hands and feet, and if you saw me you’d faint, you’d be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt!’

(Image from http://blogs.forteana.org/node/96)

After his introduction Gef proved handy to have around the home - he guarded the house during the day, would scare mice off the property, put out the fire when everyone had gone to bed and took great pleasure in waking up members of the family when they had overslept. The creature would often come with them to the market, but would remain unseen - hiding on the other side of the hedge. 

He ate only the best foods; chocolate, biscuits and bananas - and although he was often a joy to have around the home, he could also be rather disturbing and ego-centric. When James Irving died in 1945, Margaret and Voirrey left the home and sold the property for a very small sum of money due to claims of it being haunted. Gef, sadly, did not travel with them, and remained on the farm. 

The mongoose became very popular in the press when discovered by the Irvine family, and it became such a phenomenon that investigators were seen to the home to prove the animal's existence. However, the animal was never spotted - the investigators took special note of how the space between the wall and the wooden panels allowed sounds to move clearly through the house, and one of the more popular theories proposes that Gef was an invention of the young Voirrey - who exploited the gaps in the boards to propel a silly voice around the house. 

Another theory builds on James Irving and potential mental instability. That the creature was not heard from after his death leaves space for this interpretation. Nandor Fodor, Research Officer for the International Institute for Psychical Research stayed at the family home for a week and heard nothing from the mongoose. She came to the conclusion that the mongoose was an aspect of James’ personality. 

Take the M9 out to Stirling from Edinburgh, and you’ll come upon two giant steel horse-head sculptures rearing up into the sky. At 30-metres tall, they’re very hard to miss. Completed in 2013, the sculptures are said to be a ‘monument to horse powered heritage across Scotland’ - but for many, they are a monument to the creatures from which they are named, ‘The Kelpies’.

A kelpie is a Scottish water spirit that often appears as a horse, but can shape-shift into a human being. They inhabit bodies of water, and, after tempting a victim on to their back, they ride into the deep water; subsequently drowning the rider. It’s not always as clean or clear as this - other tales tell of the spirit devouring the rider, and leaving the entrails on the shore. 

Kelpies have an incredibly rich history in Scotland, but the Nuckelavee - though similar - is a far more disturbing beast. Specific to Orkney, this horse-demon damages crops, kills livestock, spreads plague and can even limit rainfall on the island - leading to droughts and terrible harvests. Unlike kelpies, the Nuckelavee lives in the sea surrounding the island, and only ventures ashore before and after the summer months. It’s appearance is terrifying. One encounter with the monster is described as follows:

[...] like a great horse with flappers like fins about his legs, with a mouth as wide as a whale's, from whence came breath like steam from a brewing-kettle. He had but one eye, and that as red as fire. On him sat, or rather seemed to grow from his back, a huge man with no legs, and arms that reached nearly to the ground. His head was as big as a clue of simmons (a clue of straw ropes, generally about three feet in diameter), and this huge head kept rolling from one shoulder to the other as if it meant to tumble off. But what to Tammie appeared most horrible of all, was that the monster was skinless; [...] the whole surface of it showing only red raw flesh, in which Tammie saw blood, black as tar, running through yellow veins, and great white sinews, thick as horse tethers, twisting, stretching, and contracting as the monster moved [...]

Having heard of this creature before, Tammie managed to escape the beast by crossing to the other side of a freshwater stream. Like many salt-water demons, the Nuckelavee cannot stand fresh-water, and so Tammie was saved. The same cannot be said for the livestock the creature has sickened with its breath, nor the deaths caused by the plague. 

Historians say that the Nuckelavee is likely an Orkadian explanation for stormy seas during tempestuous months. GIving further weight to this is the Sea Mither, which is the only creature capable of controlling the dreadful Nuckelavee - imprisoning it during the summer months.