Deborah Day's Blog

Today I will be focusing on the concept of guilt. Guilt in its simplest form is when we feel bad about something you did or did not do. It is usually about a behavior; an action you did or did not do. Healthy guilt is very appropriate. It is appropriate to feel bad about certain behaviors, such as lying to a friend about why you can’t go out with them when you are really going out on a date. Or, spending family savings on buying clothes etc. and lying to your partner. A few more examples are feeling guilty that you forgot your parent’s birthday or feeling bad you didn’t go visit someone when they were in the hospital, to cheating on your partner. Healthy guilt can be a moral compass. Healthy guilt can guide you in living in a way that honors who you want to be. It can keep you on the path of respectful living.

So when you have guilt about a behavior or lack of a behavior that is clearly appropriate to feel (such as the above examples); behaviors that merit the feeling of guilt then I call that healthy guilt. When you have healthy guilty you have several options. You need to make amends with yourself and sometimes with another person. In my opinion, the way you make amends with yourself is you take ownership and in taking ownership that means you are truthful to yourself about what went on; acknowledge to yourself the choice you made, and even better is that you learn to have compassion and understanding on why you made that choice. So with healthy guilt you feel appropriately bad about the behavior and you have some compassion and understanding on how you made a certain choice and hence, then can forgive yourself.

And often when you have behaviors you feel guilty about and have then made amends with yourself sometimes you need to make amends with the other person. This just depends on the relationship you have with the other party involved. If this person is someone you are close to such as a close friend, family member, partner, child usually amends is advised. So if something has occurred with my significant other, that relationship merits an amends. If I have examined my behavior and know it was a poor choice to lie about spending money from our joint account without telling him/her then it is appropriate to share and apologize to that person.

If the behavior I feel guilt about occurred with someone I don’t know or have very little relationship with then a direct amends may not be necessary or feasible. For example, maybe one morning I was rushing and cut in line ahead of someone so that I could catch the next bus and I feel bad about this immature behavior. I can make amends with myself. I don’t have to track this person down and apologize.

Guilt is dangerous when it becomes unhealthy. Such as when you ruminate over and over again about something you feel bad about. Like when you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up for yourself. Feeling guilty that you declined going out with a friends because you are tired and really want to relax is an example of unhealthy guilt. It is perfectly within your rights to decline an invitation because you’re tired or don’t feel up to going. Sadly, there are many who would decline but then berate themselves with guilt.

The only solution I know to unhealthy guilt is to learn to be more self-nurturing. When you are unable to associate guilt with a behavior you are unhappy about and therefore you do not take responsibility for this behavior or lack of; then the guilt is unhealthy. Berating yourself is not a healthy way to cope. knowing that you have a right to forgive yourself and let go of any guilt you have over a behavior you did or wish you would have done is essential. Don’t let guilt pull you down and control you in a negative way. The only healthy way to deal with guilt is taking ownership, having self-compassion, making amends with yourself, and when appropriate making amends with another.

I encourage you to take a moment each morning and check in with your mind. Being aware of your thoughts is essential for feeling better in your life. Check in with the thoughts that are traveling around inside your head. Take notice. Each of us have chattering going on inside our heads and if you don’t pay attention to this chatter you may not be aware how much it may be hurting you. I encourage you to find a system of paying attention to your thoughts instead of letting them be on automatic pilot.
One of my favorite ways of helping people do this is to have them set the timer on their watch or cell phone to go off every one-half hour or one time per hour. The alarm will interrupt your routine. When the alarm goes off I want you to take a brief moment and listen to your thoughts. Notice if your thoughts or more critical or more nurturing. Even if all you do is notice, it will have impact. The second part of this is to replace the critical with something more positive. I don’t care if you believe the statement just try it out. Don’t over analyze this, just do it. Then move on with your day. If when you check in and your thoughts seems neutral or positive then affirm that thought, “It is nice to be patient with myself.” Then repeat the same when the alarm goes off again. This whole exercise takes around 10-15 seconds.
The goal is to adjust your thought so they project you in a positive direction? However, being aware of your thoughts so you can correct them is imperative to achieving this goal. Your thoughts have great power and provide energy to your day, your week, your life. Take a moment and be aware of whether these thoughts are in alignment with how you want your day to go. I encourage you to alter any thoughts that do not serve your highest good. If you do not take time to pay attention and change these thoughts, they will have the potential to unknowingly drag you down.
It is important not to minimize the power of your thoughts. I invite you to remember this truth. The truth being that you are good. That at heart you are good and have good intentions. Allow yourself to think thoughts that honor this truth about you. Allow yourself to have confidence in your ability. Give yourself the encouragement and motivation you need. Even one kind word to yourself can shift the energy within you and the energy that you send forth. Be on your own side.

If you are in a difficult relationship right now, particularly a love relationship, I implore you to do the best job you can in taking care of your own needs. Many long-term relationships are very stressful. In today’s times the many demands placed on our relationships can take their toll. Keeping good communication in your relationship can be challenging. I have found that a large problem in relationships are hurts that the couple or person have held on to without resolution over an extended period of time. Sometimes these hurts are just too deep for reconciliation. If you’re in a discouraging or frustrating relationship I encourage you to pay attention to your emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Reach out to other like-minded people for support. Find activities that you enjoy. Create a healthy spiritual life for yourself. If your relationship is not particularly supportive of your true essential self it is imperative that you find other means to find acceptance of this most vibrant part of you. The resolution to this relationship will come to you in time. While you are in the midst of this turmoil or difficulty take time to rejuvenate yourself in avenues that are available to you. Focus on the good that is available and not just on what is negative in your relationship. Focus on the positive friendships you have. Concentration on an activity you enjoy. Put energy into eating healthy and exercising. Remember the positive traits that are true about you. Try the best you can to create calm and wellbeing in the other areas of your life. Most importantly reach out for help and support.

5. “Call me if you need anything.”

This one is a personal pet peeve of mine. Others may not put it in their top five worst things to say to someone who is grieving, but I like to be different! This statement reminds me of when someone asked you how you are doing, but you know they really don’t care or have time to listen. Here is the deal. When someone is going through a loss then you can be pretty sure they are going to need something. Whether it is to go to the grocery store for them, put gas in their car, drive their kids somewhere, cook for them, clean their house, wash their car, cut their grass etc. My recommendation is to just do these things for them. You call them and say “I am coming over tomorrow morning to cut your grass.” Or, “I am going to the grocery store this afternoon and I need your list.” While some grievers may be comfortable asking for help, others are not. If fact, I know many people who won’t ask because they don’t want to bother someone.

To the griever: I encourage you to let others help you and support you. Let someone cut your grass or clean your car or your house. Receive help. Now is the time to let others do for you. If you know you have a need, ask for help from someone you believe will be reliable. I am guessing many people have offered for you to call them if you need anything; so do it. I know it can be risky to ask for what you need, but now is not the time to be superhuman. I hope you will give yourself permission to receive the physical support you need.

4. “Time heals all wounds.”

What a popular saying. Is it true? Maybe for some things. I don’t think it is time that necessarily heals the hurt, but what we do about our loss during that time. Either way, telling someone that time heals all wounds when they just lost their child, or when their husband of twenty years walks out is not really what they need to hear. Ask yourself what the point is in you saying that? How is that helpful? Please try and respect that the griever is in a very fragile state and doesn’t need trite answers or platitudes. If you don’t know what to say, you could say, “Just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and praying for you.” That is very kind.

I imagine if we interviewed those who have been through various losses and asked them if they agreed with the statement “time heals all wounds” we would get mixed responses. From my own life I can say time has greatly helped with some of the losses I have experienced, such as hurtful situations in relationships, different transitions etc. I think it was a combination of time and my own personal growth. However, there are several other losses that “time hasn’t healed” and never will. While I may not walk around crying every day or talking about it, the injury is still deep and impactful.

To the griever: If someone or several people say this to you I apologize for them. It is a trite and aloof comment. Feel free to respond “Well it doesn’t feel like it.” Or just brush them off and seek out others who will not try and tell you that you will feel better soon or in time. While that may be true it isn’t what you usually want to hear. The timeframe of your healing journey is yours and will be walked through at your own pace.

3. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

What an awful thing to say to someone who is suffering a loss. Yet, amazingly, this has been said to many who are struggling. Grief is one of the most unpredictable emotions. It changes you forever. Everyone has a right to grieve in their own way with whatever feelings they are experiencing. You and I have no right to tell them how they should feel. When the grieving person is responding in a way that doesn’t fit with what another deems acceptable, then often that person will make a judgmental statement or behave in a way that is hurtful to the griever.

I remember when I received the news that my brother had been killed. It was first thing in the morning. It was shocking. Since my family lived out of town I had to spend the day coordinating the quickest way to get home. It wasn’t until the evening that I called my best friend from college. When I called her I told her what happened in a very matter-of-fact way. By that time I was completely numb; there was no sobbing, hysteria, etc. I didn’t hear from her for three weeks. When I did talk to her she said she didn’t call because I didn’t seem that upset about it! We didn’t speak for a year.

That is an example of how my friend had an expectation of how I “should have” been when I called her. She made judgments about me because I didn’t respond in the way see deemed appropriate. And this is someone with whom I had been close. She was not able to take into consideration what had gone on for me all day and to understand where my head was. In fact, her clear lack of support made her judgment of me very evident. It took a while to make amends in that relationship.

To the griever: Whatever feelings you are feeling from hour to hour, day to day are normal for you and your situation. Please be careful not to feel guilty about your feelings. Not all the feelings you have will make sense to you. Surround yourself with people who can handle the depth of your feelings. The hurt that you feel when someone you think cares cuts you off or tells you not to feel that way is significant. Tell them when they hurt your feelings. If they keep failing at supporting you reach out to others who do provide the support you need. Sometimes the people who can understand your feelings may surprise you.

2. “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

A while back I did an all-day workshop on loss. During one of the exercises people wrote on the board the stupid or hurtful things people have said to them. This response elicited strong negative feelings from those in attendance. While this may be your belief system and even the belief system that the griever adheres too, saying it to someone who is in the midst of suffering is not encouraged. I think people often say this because they don’t know how else to comfort the person or they feel a need to make sense of the situation. Please be considerate of the other person and keep that thought to yourself for the time being. This is especially true when you don’t know the person’s belief system.

Even people with a very strong faith system question God when they are going through grief. This is normal. The loss the griever is experiencing in the moment usually feels like much more than they can handle or ever imagined experiencing. Statements like the above can make the person feel minimized, angry and they may want to distance themselves from you due to their mixed feelings towards God’s role in their loss. This statement tells the person that God wants them to feel this pain or that God had a part in it. The grieving person needs time to process their feelings towards God as they move through the stages of grief.

To the griever: I have no idea why you are suffering the loss you are experiencing. “Why?” is a normal question that is often asked. No one has that answer. The situation is overwhelming. Feeling like it is too much to handle is normal and natural. You are only human after all. I hope you will seek out others who understand the difficult time you are having. This is a time when you need the safe support of those who can help you through such a confusing and dark period. Don’t try to handle these feelings all by yourself. Please allow yourself to lean on safe and understanding people.

1. “I know how you feel.”

When someone is going through a loss they are often consumed by feelings that are indescribable and overwhelming. Even if you have experienced the same type of event, such as the death of a parent or the loss of a job, this doesn’t mean that your emotional reactions to the event will be the same. While a miscarriage for one person may have little impact; for another it may spiral her into a significant period of grief. And while you may “know how they feel” the one grieving needs to be heard first and foremost. The grieving person needs your listening ear and comforting shoulder. This is about them. Keep the focus on them and off of you. You can share some of the commonalities you have from your similar experiences at a later time when the grieving person’s feelings aren’t so raw.

To the griever: Your feelings are uniquely your own and nobody can fully understand the depth of your suffering. Even those who may be sharing your loss may be grieving differently than you. Your grief deserves its own attention. If someone tells you they know how you feel in a way that makes you feel minimized or dismissed, move on to someone else who can give you the
support and comfort you need. This is a confusing time and it is important you talk to people you feel can handle you right where you are. If you know someone who has been through a similar experience and that brings you comfort; then by all means lean on them.

The topic of forgiveness is not a new one. There are many books written on the topic with numerous varieties about what forgiveness is and how to forgive. I am often saddened by this topic because so many of my clients have been hurt by the beliefs of others about forgiveness. What is your view of forgiveness? Is it the often heard “forgive and forget”? This seems to be a common pressure clients struggle with. This message about forgiveness was something that was learned via their religion or the religion of their family. Even clients who aren’t particularly religious seem to face this belief when they are struggling with forgiveness. This message of “forgive and forget” seems to permeate through culture and time. I have heard many sad stories of ministers telling my client’s that they need to forgive and quoting various scripture to support this.

So, am I saying we shouldn’t forgive? Am I supporting you staying angry and full of resentment? NO! That is not the point. However, my guess is that each of you who have been hurt in some way need your own process of forgiveness without being judged by others. Often I think the one judging is simple uncomfortable with your painful emotions and therefore attempts to avoid these emotions by pushing forgiveness on you when you aren’t ready.

Does forgiveness mean forgive and forget? Well, I will let each of you make your own assessment of that. However, how do you forget horrific things that have happen to you? Does forgiveness mean that you tell your offender that what they did is ok? Do you have to acknowledge to the other that you forgive them for forgiveness to be real? These are all great questions.

I assume most of you have listened to the many terrible things that have happen to others via the media. I have heard people whose child has been murdered say they forgive the murderer and I have heard others share intense venomous rage. I try not to judge either.

In my view the forgetting is not necessary to forgive. In fact, we don’t forget. We don’t forget that our partner had an affair with our best friend. We don’t forget that our uncle sexually molested us for three years when we were young. We don’t forget the drunk driver that killed our sister. How would one ever forget these things.

Forgiveness is part of the grieving process, and the grieving process is different for each of us. The most important part of working through offenses that have occurred is for you to learn how to slowly move to a place where you aren’t full of rage and anger all your days. That you learn how to move forward in life and how to become more productive. How can you turn this hurtful event into something that energizes you for change? What ways can you free yourself? Many people who have been through unimaginable tragedies have created new laws to protect others from the same injury. Others have formed support groups, written books and more.

Respecting others during difficult times is priceless. It is the greatest gift you can give them and the greatest gift you can receive during those times. Consider supporting others around you who have suffered hurtful events. Acceptance is priceless. Hopefully, each of us can learn to walk through the difficult times that often occur in life so that we can be more free and enjoy some pleasure again.

Talking about family relationships can dredge up a mixed bag of feelings for many people. Some of you have happy memories from your family of origin; others, not so happy. Since nobody can change their past, the best you can do is learn from it. If you were blessed enough to have been raised in a family that overall provided you with a positive sense of security in yourself and the world, then you truly have been given a gift. I implore you to be conscious of practicing those positive qualities with your loved ones now. If you experienced consistent love, support and encouragement then you have the foundation for providing those qualities to your partner and any children you chose to bring into this world.
Unfortunately, many of you were not so lucky to experience more positive than negative in your upbringing. I understand that those earlier negative interactions have great impact on your development. However, the good news is that each of you has the chose to do something about the ways you have been wounded in your upbringing. You can heal and grow and make different choses for yourself. Avoiding dealing with the negative aspects of your history will not help you live a better life today. Seeking support to help you heal the wounds of your past so you can live more free today is a courageous and wonderful choice.
As you chose to address the ways you were injured you can then become more of the person you want to be. If you have chosen to bring children into this world, it is important that you not let the ghosts of your past haunt your present. At a minimum it is your responsibility not to pass on the same negative traits your caretakers demonstrated to you. Work at being a better parent, rather than just winging it. If you struggle with alcohol or drug addictions or addictions of any kind, get help! If you have anger management issues, get help and stop acting-out with your children. It is time to change. No excuses. Your children deserve the effort and you deserve a better life.
It is never too late to be the parent, partner and person you want to be. The important thing is that you do it! It isn’t about being perfect; it is about making a sincere effort at improving.