Rashi Shrivastava's Blog

Returning to poetry as the only respite in this tumbling world.

For the longest time I have been wondering how to restart my writing regime without seeming awkward about yet another post that didn’t talk about how I had lost the element to write. A lot of things have happened, and I’m still absorbing most of the changes but I think whatever happens is for the best. I moved to a new city and I’m living alone. I have yearned for this to happen ever since I had known and wanted freedom. Ironically, I didn’t know that I wasn’t prepared for this change. I tumbled and fell down a number of times initially, ran back home because I was a 25-year-old baby who missed her mommy.  It’s funny because I have always dreamt about living alone and managing things on my own. I always wanted to take care of my own shit and now when this happened, when I really got a chance to prove, not to others but to myself that I deserved to be here, I was willing to let go of this golden opportunity because I was afraid of the future. I was afraid to acknowledge that I was on my own. I was afraid to take responsibility of myself. Perhaps, I was just afraid to step out of my comfort zone, the cocoon that I had created around myself for the past 25 years. Three months out of the cocoon and life is giving me new experiences everyday and to be brutally honest, not with you but with myself, I am enjoying every bit of it. I feel my spirits renewed with each morning as I wake up and plan my day. Just to let you know, I am pursuing PhD in English Literature and I feel as if it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me! (Ignore the superlative, I’m generally high on adrenaline these days). Not in terms of how it affects my career, but in terms of allowing me to live my life from the start. As a woman, and most importantly, as an unmarried Indian woman, it is very important for us to step out of our comfort zones and explore the limitless world that surrounds us. If anyone tells you otherwise, you may just listen to them or you might ask them to fuck off because you were born in this world to live in it, not to be protected and saved for death. Learn to pull your shit together and take decisions that matter to you because that is what you are going to do for the rest of your life. Most importantly, that is what you were born to do!

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A post that came after a very long pause.

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Yeah, I understand how utterly incorrigible I am and I don’t even know how this happened but I lost track of my weekly blogs. Never mind, let me try it one more time!

I have to talk about this but, I don’t know if many of you will want to talk about it. Coming from a country of superstitions, I do not wish to impose this stereotype further but recently, I have been noticing a change in my self. I think, I may have started believing in Tarot Cards and the entire enchilada that accompanies it. I’m not saying that I have started planning my days according to the readings I get, or that I have been asking for readings before taking any major decision in my life. It’s just that I think I am relating to it on some level.

It began in October last year, when I was invited to speak at a literature festival in my city. After the event, I happened to chance upon a tarot reading stall that had been installed there for fun and recreation. Please note, this was the first time in my life that I had done such a thing – spend 1200 rupees on a tarot reading but then curiosity is a curious cat, or whatever! So, it turned out, as per the reading that I was about to be disheartened in the near future because of some reason, and ironically within a week I lost a very attractive job offer that I had in my purse for the last two months. The publishing house just cancelled on me saying they hired someone else and couldn’t wait for me any longer. That is when I stumbled upon an online tarot reading website, and ever since I have been receiving weekly emails from them, as and how my readings turn out to be. In case you’re laughing at my stupidity, these weekly readings are for free! I wasn’t going to spend more money on bad news.

The thing that fascinates me the most is how every week the readings have been corresponding (by some freakish coincidence) to my mood or train of thought. I know, it can be mere coincidence, or another breach of privacy by technology, but by all means, it turns out to be a very pleasant surprise for me. It makes me feel happy, even if I get an unwelcome reading because it gives me a satisfaction that there is someone out there who perhaps is thinking about me, even if it’s just another computer!

Do share your views on this. I would like to know how affected is the public by stuff like horoscopes, tarot cards, et cetera. Let me wind up for now. I know this blog didn’t really impart any great information but we don’t really want facts all the time, right?

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What shows the way,

Isn’t always what you wanted.

What promises to stay,

Isn’t always what will.

Maybe, life has had some trysts with destiny,

That ensures misery and distrust.

Maybe, life thought of being free forever,

Ended up getting caught in the chains of thought.

Why such incontinence, dear brain?

That you choke me to my very existence.

Why such cowardice, dear heart?

Cause’ there exists no will to fight for change.

Whoever told you that things shall get better,

Was not just a liar but a cheat,

Who probably is enjoying the mess that you are,

Because nobody cares.

– TemptationOfWords

So, with great happiness I would like to announce that I am successfully moving on to my second blog, which I understand is not weekly at all because it’s been merely three days and I couldn’t control the urge to write, which is weird because I have a career defining exam in the next 20 days and instead of studying I want to write. I also know this for a fact that this urge to write will be replaced by something called Netflix and YouTube once I’ll be done with my exam!

Human nature is not unpredictable, but it is absolutely erratic for sure, or is it just me? Anyway, the point is that whatever happens will happen one way or the other. We might feel like we’re altering our ‘destiny’ by working hard, but the fact that you worked hard might have been one reason that it was predestined and that one would’ve have been successful by hook or by crook.

Without getting philosophical let me talk about my routine which is nothing but a slow death of time, why? One because I don’t have anything else to talk about, remember, I told you how utterly boring my life was and is, even if I am in the prime of my time. Second, because deep down I am an extremely lazy person who doesn’t really know how to utilize time. For example, I set a certain goal for myself for today but I haven’t even started working on that because I have been busy doing nothing. I don’t understand why my daily routine wastes so much of my valuable time! Getting up in the morning, attending to nature’s call, taking a bath and finally getting ready for the day takes around 2 to 3 hours, especially on a holiday. Maybe, the fact that I don’t wake up early is one factor, but again no amount of alarm clocks are enough to wake me up before my time.

I shall continue working on this problem, until I achieve my goals, because one always needs some goal, however big or small, in order to keep going.

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