Chidera Eggerue's Blog

Photo credit: Seyi

My body matured faster than my mind did. I never got the opportunity to celebrate my teenage body because I was too busy picking it apart and condemning it, even though it was doing its best. If I could go back in time, I'd make peace with my spirit sack but the past can't be changed. Although, our perspectives can change and that's exactly what I had to do to arrive at a place of peace within my body.

First of all, women do not exist for the consumption of men. Biologically, our bodies are built for babies. Babies don't care about how perky your boobs are; they just wanna be fed. Men aren't and will never be in a position to tell women 'how to be a woman'. Impressing men isn't even a goal worth making. As long as you have a female reproductive organ, men (cis-het) will naturally be drawn to you anyway. Nature doesn't recognise beauty standards. There is literally no wrong way to be a woman. There is literally no wrong way to have a body as long as your body is functioning well enough to keep you alive.

When I'm wearing an outfit without a bra, I often get stares from people so trapped in their own insecurities that the sight of someone else taking charge of their body intimidates them. Majority of the time, people's problems with you are an extension of their problems with themselves. It's hard enough, trying to silence the voice in your head telling you that you will never be good enough so why make room for an external voice that will only amplify that self-hating voice?

Due to under-representation of saggy-looking boobs in the media, we are all taught that there's only one way to be beautiful and that includes having super perky boobs. But majority of these films, campaigns and music videos are directed by men (who a lot of the time, don't even know what they want anyway so why aspire to please an inconsistent person?). If I had seen women with saggy boobs being glorified for their beauty, I wouldn't have developed a complex as a very young teenager. This is exactly why representation is important. The more you see someone who looks like you in positions of success, the more your image is normalised; the less of a spectacle your reflection is; the more comfortable you will be in your body. It is that deep.

If you are having trouble accepting your body, please look at mine and look at how socially unacceptable my boobs are. But also look how bossy, snatched and GLOWY I look! I'm living my best life and my boobs aren't going to stop me from meeting someone amazing. They're literally gland sacks. And they're actually pretty awesome. Shout out to my boobs. 

Saggy boobs matter.

 

Hair extensions: Miyi Hair

Jumpsuit: Motel Rocks

Glasses: Charity shop in Lisbon, Portugal

Shoes: Comme Des Garçons Play x Converse

Belt: Rokit Vintage

 

 

Photo credit: UK Parliament/Jessica Taylor

 

 

Chidera,

You’re literally living your dream life right now. Remember when they told you it was impossible to do it without them? Remember when you believed them? 

As you type this, you’re on a flight back to London after spending 2 weeks touring the USA with the US Embassy. People keep taking advantage of your kindness but you never fail to remind yourself that they can only treat you as well as they treat themselves. You’re often told that you’re wise beyond your years but it took a lot of pain for you to get here. You’re scared of settling for a mediocre life so you live every single day loudly, fruitfully and proudly. Why? Because we are all dying slowly.

You know what’s the biggest motivation? Leaving ungrateful people behind. There’s no greater teacher than loss. You’ve learnt to be confident enough to walk away from those who find it hard to make room for you. Because in the end, you’ll never miss what’s meant for you.

You’ve decided that you want to stop repeating your toxic traits and instead, start making peace with your past. Less overthinking, more water-drinking. Less cakes, more kale. If you learnt something, it was never a fail. Continue to be kind. Kindness never goes to waste.

This time next year, you’ll be plotting world domination at the dinner table with Michelle Obama. She doesn’t know it yet, but she needs your help.

Khloe Kardashian’s ‘Revenge Body’ is a show for fans that’s all about them getting revenge on people who have doubted them during their weight gain. As much as it’s a brilliant incentive to “make our haters our biggest motivators” - as Khloe says in episode 1, it’s just as toxic to transform yourself for someone else.

But this isn’t about Khloe’s show. This is about you.

The concept of a 'revenge' self-improvement defeats the meaning of growth. By seeking revenge through your appearance, you are still seeking validation from the very person who left you at your lowest. The issue with seeking validation from someone else is that there’s an evident deficiency in self-confidence. YOU are the root of the problem. Not your ex.

When you break up with someone, it is incredibly tempting to want to perform happiness, especially on social media. We want people from our past to know ‘I’m good without you’ - even if this isn’t true. What most of us fail to realise, is that as long as your ex still has access to your online activity, you are still leaving that window of judgement open for them. Funny enough, the best way to get your awesome self back, is to remove your ex from all your social media accounts - if possible, block them. That way, you won't have to worry about 'who' sees you. You won’t have to curate your life for someone else instead of to live it for yourself. You won’t have to post a picture of that cute Saturday night outfit with a that fake ‘I’m having the time of my life and I’ve never been happier’ caption (come on, we’ve all been there) in the hopes that they’ll see it, fall back in love with you and send you a message spelling out their suppressed, undying love for you. Honey, it won’t happen if you sit there waiting for it. You’ve got a whole life you need to live for yourself. This is the period for you to grow in your own time peacefully. It’s also vital to keep in mind that blocking an ex on social media isn't 'bitter'. It's self-care. This is your world. You are in FULL control of who is allowed to experience it with you.

It’s important to understand that as long as you're still seeking someone's validation through your 'revenge self-improvement, that person STILL has power over you. Using yourself as a weapon against someone else will only harm you. Because until that person validates your 'revenge body', you won't be satisfied with yourself. Nobody deserves such power over you.

The REAL post-breakup self-improvement begins with mentally de-shackling yourself from what once held power over you. We can’t be chasing success in the aims of irritating people from the past. It's empty. The aim is to flex on the inner voice that tells you that you aren't good enough. No self-improvement is valid until YOU are satisfied with YOURSELF. Until you free yourself from someone’s judgement, you will always belong to other people before you belong to yourself. It’s never too late to free yourself.

 

 

Shot by Johnny Fonseca

 

T-SHIRT: Beyond Retro DRESS: Beyond Retro JACKET: Beyond RetroGLASSES: Beyond RetroWIG: Miyi HairCHOKER: Mami CocoCONVERSES: Converse x Comme Des Garçons - Dover Street Market

 

Shoutout to Johnny for being a hero and managing to finesse this look even though the wind was making several attempts to snatch my wig! In case you're wondering where I got these hair extensions from, they are from Miyi Hair who were kind enough to send your homegirl some bundles. 

I've reached a point in my life where I've finally understood the fact that you decide how much value is on your head. My refusal to leave behind a mediocre story is what drives me to continue pushing to create the change I want to see in this world where black girls are under-represented and if at all we do get representation, it mostly revolves around how 'angry' and 'aggressive' we are. We are not just our responses to oppression. Black girls are vibrant, rich in soul and graceful and it's time we start taking up space. The thing about space is that it's there to be filled so I've decided to become unapologetically loud, bold and vibrant as I grow through this space that promotes everything that I'm not: caucasian, pointy-nosed and privileged. My value lies in my voice and I have made the choice to be as vocal as I can about what's going on not only around me, but inside me too.

No matter who you are, how large your following is or how 'cool' other people think you are, your ideas are valid. In this life, you've got to really learn to speak like your voice DESERVES to be heard. Don't just mutter timidly in the back and hope someone catches what you're saying; place yourself in the front, rise up and stand firm in what you believe in. Your voice is valid. You may be ignored for a while but you know what, keep pushing. "Don't care for those who ignore you. Care about those who are ignoring others for you." My friend Nate taught me that as long as what you are expressing is coming from a truthful and honest place, someone out there in this world will relate to you - whether its 1 person or 100 people. Feeling understood is the most important thing as a creative person. 

 

 

07.10.16

(Shot by Johnny Fonseca)

 

 

T-SHIRT: East End Thrift Store

PANTS: EARRINGS: Kay Davis 
CHOKER: Mami Coco

SHOES: Converse x Comme Des Garçons - DOVER STREET MARKET

HAIR: Kinky Straight - Miyi Hair (Wig made by Mother) 

 

New hair, new levels of self esteem, new sass! I've been looking for a new hairstyle for a while and came across Miyi Hair, who do really great hair extensions. I'm all about the hair drama and owning my space so of course a 20" closure combined with a 24" and x2 30" bundles would be killer! When brushed out, the hair looks VERY real. Only downside is that I often get a lot of interested people touching my hair without asking me. 

 

This is a very direct message to people who feel entitled to other people's space, especially white people: no matter how familiar you think you are, when you see a person of colour with hair that interests you, please do not touch their hair - especially without their permission. We are not fluffy animals. It is rude, dehumanising and shows a lack of respect for personal space. I promise: it is very possible to express your admiration without treating us like otherworldly creatures. As a person of colour who has spent my entire life holding back from snapping at self-entitled hair touchers, I have finally had enough. I'm sure you would feel the same way too if you constantly had strangers or even colleagues diving into your incredibly beautiful, silky, shiny, straight hair whilst firing questions at you about how you get it to lay so straight and smooth. You'd feel a little odd, wouldn't you? You'd feel a little disrespected by people invading your space without respecting you enough to ask you. No amount of 'banter' can displace respect for personal space. If you feel attacked by this message, it is time for you to relax, breathe and check your privilege because this is not an attack - this is me speaking on behalf of all the women of colour who have had to deal with daily micro-aggressions; who have had to hold back from reacting in order to avoid being painted as 'angry'; who have had to say 'yes' when asked 'can I touch your hair?' when really, they want to say 'no' but they don't want to create any tension in the workplace. If you have a black friend, why not actually just listen to their experience to UNDERSTAND, rather than listen to reply with a justification that only silences them? Your ignorance doesn't make you a 'bad person'. Your conscious lack of effort to rectify it does. 

 

Now, onto my rainbow pants and cute backpack! I got these really awesome pants from a really cool vintage store called Beyond Retro. If you haven't heard of it, they have stores in Shoreditch, Dalston, Soho and Brighton so if you would ever like a good old vintage spree, I would personally recommend it. Recently, I've been getting into sustainable clothing and came across Beyond Retro's LABEL range which is all hand-crafted entirely from reclaimed materials. I really love the idea of my clothes having their own stories; it creates a sense of sentimental value. Not only am I taking part in preserving the planet by reusing, I am also taking part in saving a lot of garments from going to landfill - 600,000 to be precise! As a vintage shopper, I really love having clothes that people can't really find anymore. It makes me feel like I've got something even more valuable. With Beyond Retro Label, because each item is completely unique, once you get it, it's gone! If you'd love to give the store a shot, I'd actually recommend the Shoreditch store (Cheshire Street) because I actually saw Alexa Chung come in and buy a few sparkly tops a couple weeks ago and apparently, Rihanna's visited this particular store too! *wink wink*

17.09.16

(Shot by Manny Jefferson)






V-NECK T-SHIRT: Primark

SHORTS: American Apparel

SANDALS: La Moda

GLASSES: American Apparel




I love my tight, 'nappy' hair. I love my dark upper lip. I love my blackness. But sadly, this world doesn't want me to adore me. This world wants me to hate me because insecure people are the easiest to control. And the easiest way to make someone insecure is to convince them that they are not and will not ever be 'enough'. As a result of this, we, as people of colour end up chasing the unattainable validation of our equally insecure oppressors who use the bullying of majestic, beautiful people as a coping mechanism for their own self-inflicted insecurities.




The reason I am saying all this is because we need for us black people as potential-filled individuals, to really go hard and love our individual selves. If we want to rebuild our communities, it has to start at home...with self. One cannot share an empty cup. But when you cup is full of love, you can pass some love onto someone else who is struggling a little harder than you; and slowly, we can support and love each other back onto our feet. With tightly-knitted families, come well-bonded communities, which form stable, love-filled nations. 




As a start, we need to really support our friends. If you can't afford to buy their products (sometimes payday is way too far away...I feel you), please remind them of the importance of never giving up on your vision. Please help push their content and spread the word! This is often worth a lot more than financial support because faith can take you way further than funds can.




Ever since I started my self-love journey at the beginning of this year, I made a vow to myself that I will dedicate myself to not only loving my being, but helping other beautiful people recognise their value, potential and importance in this universe. We really need to have each other's backs, man!

02.09.16

(Shot by Manny Jefferson)






BRALETTE: American Apparel

SKIRT: GAP (Vintage)

BUMBAG: Mojo Kojo 

EARRINGS: Kay Davis 

SANDALS: Topshop




Welcome to my special Lagos Baby series, where I'll be sharing special outfit posts I've shot in Nigeria! Being a Nigerian is honestly such an incredible, hilarious and beautiful experience. From the well-seasoned food, to the deep-rooted culture, Nigeria is a nation of pride and excellence, laced with inimitable energy. I wouldn't trade being a Nigerian for ANYTHING ELSE!




Lagos (being the former capital city) is where I made the decision to spend my Summer and I feel so grateful that I did so because I met a wonderful photographer named Manny, who I was blessed enough to spend a day with. 




For the past year, I've been on a very concentrated self-acceptance journey and have made a solid pact with myself to really love my body - especially my boobs, for how they hang. A lot of us women with larger boobs can definitely relate to the stigma attached to not wearing a bra if you have larger boobs - let alone 'saggy'-looking ones. Mine are both. And I'm very okay with that. Because they're mine and they're attached to an awesome, infinitely interesting being full of love, flowers and laughter: ME! If you happen to also deal with the struggle of how your boobs look - whether they're large or small, I'd just like you to know that your beauty extends far beyond your boobs and no, you won't die alone because of the posture of your boobs. Someone WILL love you! 




Redirect your focus to an area of yourself that needs a lot more love and attention, like your emotional health!

18.07.16

(Shot by Johnny Fonseca)






LEOTARD: East End Thrift Store

BOOTS: EGO 

FAUX FUR COAT: Freemans

HAT: BBY GAL 

GLASSES: La Moda




This is going to be a very lengthy post so brace yourself!




I just want to begin by saying that this has been my favourite shoot that I've ever done with my friend Johnny. There is nothing better than to find someone just as driven, experimental and creative as you are. Johnny and I have known each other for exactly a year and without any exaggeration, this past year has been the most pivotal, growth-filled year of my life. Johnny played a major role in that. 




We met via Instagram. One day, I was scrolling through my Instagram home screen when I saw a direct message pop up on my screen. I opened it, not thinking much of it, as I often get photographers messaging me to work with me. He introduced himself and said that he wanted to work with me. He seemed cool so I looked at his Instagram account. He only had about just under 200 or so followers and a small amount of work but I was pulled in by what I saw and wanted to see more. I opened his website link, to see the most amazing, depth-filled shots I'd ever seen from someone so young (he was only 19 at the time). Immediately, I arranged a date to shoot with him and since then, nothing has been the same. 




I'll never forget the story of how Johnny and I met because it is literal proof that if you aren't willing to take a risk, you aren't willing to change your life. When the fear of remaining stagnant outweighs the fear of hearing a 'no', that is the moment your life changes. Johnny felt a little anxious to message me because he didn't know if I would say 'yes', based on the large following I had. But he took that risk and I'm so happy he did. Fear is what keeps us where we don't want to be. Not only is Johnny an AWESOME photographer, he is also a really great friend who unknowingly got me out of a difficult period in my life where I was struggling to find the support I knew I deserved. His belief in me meant him doing late nights editing shots for me, carrying heavy bags of equipment just so we could play around with shooting in various formats, and not ever for once, giving up on me or making me feel like an inconvenience to him. 




Because of how strong our friendship has become, our aim between ourselves is literally to bring out the best in each other. If you're reading this, thank you very much Johnny. 







*                                               *                                              *







As a 21-year-old woman, I have reached a point in my life where all I am used to is change. I know I am not the only person going through this weird space in my life so I just want to share 21 things that have kept me going as a young woman finding herself:




1. You need to be your FIRST LOVE.

By this, I mean that you must love yourself in the way you dream of being loved. Most of us dream of a love where we are unconditionally accepted by our lover yet, we can't even accept ourselves. Fall in love with what you have been taught to believe that are your flaws. As hard as it is to believe, the more in love you are with yourself, the more someone else (who deserves you) will love you. Notice that trying to love someone who doesn't love their self very much eventually becomes tiring. Love shouldn't be about constantly reassuring you that you are beautiful. It should be about reminding you of what you already know.




2. Not everything deserves a reaction.

Stillness maintains inner peace. Having said that, if something has gone on for too long and you know you deserve to be in a better environment, move. You will thank yourself for doing so. 




3. Shaving bumps happen.

I used to literally cry at the sight of every shaving bump that appears on my skin. The fear stemmed from the poisonous belief that the more scars a woman has, the less 'fresh' she is. Society teaches us that as women, we have to be shiny and smooth all the time or else, we won't be appealing to the opposite gender. Meanwhile, it's totally okay for the opposite gender to have all the scars and all the bruises they want because it makes them appear as 'more manly'. Meh. As long as you live on this planet and interact with it like the human being that you are, you cannot possibly avoid it interacting with you too. Scars are stories. No man will run from you at the sight of having scars from trying to remove hair from your body. Don't forget that your body is a mere envelope for the infinitely interesting soul that you are.  




4. We are all a little insecure.

Thanks to social conditioning, we are all a collective mess as human beings. But no amount of insecurities justify treating someone else poorly. You can tell how much someone loves their self by the way they treat other people. 




5. Your 'weird' boobs are normal. 

Don't let these instagram boutiques, Tumblr photos and Dr Miami-visiting celebrities make you think that your natural hang is wrong. Some of us have small, pointy boobs. Some of us have large, far-apart boobs. Some of us have unequal boobs. Some of have 'saggy' boobs. I have 'saggy' boobs. I'm a 32 DD and I wasn't blessed with the socially acceptable gene of having super perky boobs. This used to bother me. A lot. I soon realised that I am a goddess and my boobs have character because they belong to the infinitely amazing being that is me. I am not here for male consumption. I am here to be loved for the bundle of awesomeness that I am.




6. People regret treating you badly when you start to treat yourself better.




7. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that you have to go back.

You know exactly what I am talking about. Yes, you.




8. Your sexuality is yours to define. Nobody else's.

You do not need to be anything that you do not feel ready for. Acting out of pressure to fit in will always breed results that you'll have to deal with alone. Also, you do not owe anybody any explanations for what you intend to do with your body as long as you are not harming yourself. It is yours. All yours.  




9. Stretch marks happen.

Unless you are a toddler, it is impossible for you to be old enough to be reading this post and not have a couple stretch marks here and there. They are marks that have come from stretching of the skin. You are human. It is okay. You are not any less desirable because of this.




10. You dictate your value.

The less you tolerate, the more people will respect you. The more you tolerate, the less people will respect you because you don't seem to have any boundaries. Boundaries are important. Extremely important. Make it clear that you are not going to accept 'anyhow' treatment by distancing yourself when you feel like you are tired of repeating yourself.




11. Wear what you feel good in.

I don't like wearing bras. They make me feel restricted and squashed. There's a stigma attached to not wearing a bra if you have big boobs but that stigma is yet another patriarchal attempt to control women. I'm not here for it.




12. Love WILL find you.

The more you attempt to look for/prepare yourself for love, the longer it will take to appear in your life. The most beautiful things happen when we let go. Recline and trust that you will be adored for who you are one day. Until then, focus on being the best you that you can be for yourself right now.




13. It is okay to feel things deeply. 

Often, the people who stigmatise being 'emotional' lack the depth and emotional intelligence required to even understand their own emotions enough to throughly enjoy the human experience. The less in touch you are with your sadness, the less in touch you will be with your happiness. You are not crazy, dramatic or 'weak' for being sensitive. Where being sensitive can become problematic is the moment you allow these feelings to alter the way you view not only yourself, but the world around you for the worst.




14. You are enough.

You must understand that for the person you are right now, you are enough. Everything you need to get through this moment, is already here within you. You will always be enough, deep down. But do not attach your enough-ness to someone else because for the wrong person, even at your BEST, you still will not be enough in their eyes. But for the right person, even at your worst, you will still be WORTH IT to them. I promise.




15. You are not a bad person/witch for not wanting to have kids.

This world is only getting worse and it would be selfish to bring a child into it if you feel that you genuinely can't give them the care they deserve. 




16. It is better to be alone by choice, than to be in an environment where you feel lonely.

Relationships, as much as they are romanticised, are overrated when you really do weigh up the psychological and emotional strain it comes with when you find yourself in a constant state of arguing with the other person. Having said that, I do think relationships are amazing. Being alone by choice allows you to form a relationship with yourself. This is the most important relationship of all because this sets the tone for every other relationship you will have. 




17. It is very okay to find yourself beautiful. 

You are an expression of the Universe. You are not a fluke.




18. Not everybody has the same heart as you.

Keep it pure and keep it moving. The less you expect, the less disappointment you will feel.




19. You are capable.

Yes, you.




20. Your confidence will make you memorable.

Have you noticed that the more confident someone is in the way that they carry their self, the more we want to be around them?




21. You are irreplaceable.

25.06.16

(Shot by Johnny Fonseca)






T-SHIRT: East End Thrift Store

DRESS: American Apparel

GLASSES: LA MODA

BOOTS: LA MODA

HAT: eBay

CHOKER: eBay 




It's never too late to own your beauty. But the earlier you start, the more content you will feel in life. The last thing you want to do is look back on your life and only see a person who didn't love their self as much as they deserved to. Ever since birth, we as people, have been taught that it's 'vain' and somewhat wrong to love yourself 'too much'; it's okay to love yourself as long as you don't intimidate anybody whilst doing so. I think that is wrong. I think it is beautiful to love yourself without limitation because self love is not just about finding yourself beautiful - it is all about self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-care. Without loving yourself, you cannot grow because growth can only happen when you believe in better for yourself.





Okay. Time to talk about this outfit! I need you to know that thigh high boots make your legs look SO HOT. If you're someone who doesn't particularly like the shape of her legs, thigh high boots are awesome because they cover up most of the leg and only show a little thigh. 




An oversized tee with a pair of heels will always be a LOOK. ALWAYS. If the tee is large enough to fit as a dress, AWESOME! If the tee isn't long enough to be a dress, just wear a mini skirt underneath and you're literally good to go, homegirl!




I'm going to revisit what I was saying about self-love because I want to add that you, reading this right now, are the only YOU in this vast universe. Amongst all this chaos and confusion that life continues to dish us, the least you can do for yourself is fall in love with yourself. You deserve it.

16.04.16

(Shot by Johnny Fonseca)






DRESS: American Apparel 

GLASSES: American Apparel

JACKET: EARL DUNCAN

BERET: Vintage (Handed down from Mother dearest)

EARRINGS: Kay Davis 

SANDALS: LA MODA

BAG: MARC JACOBS

POM-POM: H&M 




Shoutout to Johnny for the badass photography! He really captured me in the midst of my babygirl vibe. I've been feeling myself a lot more lately, and I hope by the end of you reading this post, you'll feel yourself a lot more too. If you're reading this, you deserve to feel good about yourself, babygirl.




I recently bought this dress in the American Apparel sale and surprisingly, it's actually a size XS, which is hilarious because I wear a size M in dresses even though I'm relatively slim (big booty, big boobies). I'm making a fuss out of the size of this dress because I think it's really sad and problematic that us women measure our beauty according to the letter or size on a garment label and it's insanity. I clearly do not look like a size XS, which is a size 4-6 yet, I 'fit' into it. Does that mean I'm extra small? Or does it mean I'm just wearing what looks good on my body according to my idea of 'good'? Every woman's body is different in size, proportion and weight so you should not attach any shame to being a size 14, a size 6 or a size 20 because at the end of the day, you're still size beautiful, homegirl! These are all numbers and letters used to put our bodies into boxes for the ease of selling items. 




I have to use this moment to talk about my amazingly glamorous pom-pom earrings that have been hand-made by the magnificent Kay Davis. She's definitely one woman I look up to because she's my definition of a girl-boss. A girl-boss is:


A woman who understands the value she has on this earth
A woman who fearlessly indulges in her talents
A woman who challenges the norm
A woman who slays in a world that really only accommodates men
A woman who embraces her own beauty
A woman who fights for her beliefs
A woman who shines with positivity, even when the world mocks her for it


Every woman has the potential to be a girl-boss. She must walk and talk like she deserves to be heard and to be seen. She must wake up with a purpose and go to sleep with a goal. She must be kind, compassionate but also firm and ready to clap back when unnecessarily disrespected. But most importantly, she must not let any man take advantage of her because her mere presence on this earth, alone, is a gift.




It's never too late to change and start believing in yourself, homegirl.