Harmony Dust's Blog

Kanye West showed up to the Grammys’ red carpet with his wife Bianca Censori wearing what is being called “the invisible dress.” Every part of her body was on display for the world to see.

 I couldn’t sleep last night after seeing the footage -something was chilling about it. It hit home because I know what it feels like to be on public display- fully seen by strangers and yet completely unknown. That was my daily life working in str!p clubs under the control of a p!mp. 

There’s this moment before she exposes herself where she is draped in a fur coat. He leans in and says something I wish we had a lip reader to decipher. There is something about his posturing and demeanor that feels looming. She appears to say “no”. Soon after, she drops the coat to unveil her nude frame. 

He stands with his arms behind his back, watching his wife on display for public consumption.

This image of him stands in stark contrast to the chivalrous trope of a man swiftly draping his jacket over the shoulders of a woman who finds herself exposed. 

He looms in the background, observing closely, as she experiences a moment that many people have nightmares about – public nudity. 

I would like to think this is an act of agency and empowerment- but her five-mile stare tells me otherwise. There does not appear to be any spark of joy or life in her eyes – only what appears to be vacancy and detachment. Maybe even dissociation?

I obviously do not know her or her story, but watching this unfold, my Spidey senses were going off on high alert.

I don’t believe this is about fashion. It’s about gender, agency, and power.

The juxtaposition of their “outfits” is noteworthy. He is fully clothed, in all black, while she is laid bare. 

This brings up important, social questions. Who gets to be clothed? Who does not?

Could you EVER, in a million years, picture Kanye West walking down the red carpet in a completely sheer outfit with every single inch of his body exposed? While his wife stood by fully clothed, watching her husband on display in such a vulnerable way?

That would never happen.

But we are desensitized to the sexualization and objectification of women. It is normalized in our society.

I can only imagine the outrage that would occur if the roles would have been reversed. But in the world we live in, They would never be reversed. 

Empowerment or Exploitation?

The definition of sexual exploitation is using the attractiveness or sexuality of another person for your own personal gain. 

It begs the question who benefits from this moment? Kanye? Or Bianca?

We don’t know a lot about their relationship from her perspective. But the social media post that Kanye made after the Grammys is telling about his perspective.

He stated….

”My wife is the most googled woman on the planet called Earth.” 

It is interesting that he does not say her name. “My wife, Bianca.” 

He does not say anything else to humanize her. 

He says, “My wife.”

This is about power, but it’s also about belonging. She belongs to him.

The question remains, does she still belong to herself? 

I truly hope she does. I truly hope this was an act of autonomy and agency. 

For those of us who have experienced ab-se in public, the ab-se itself is painful, but it is even more painful to know that people stood by watching, but did not do or say anything to intervene.  

I do not know Bianca and I cannot reach out to see if she is okay. 

But I cannot stand by and do nothing. The least I can do is say, 

Bianca, there are a lot of us who are concerned for you. And I truly hope that you are operating with a sense of agency. And if you are not, I hope that you will find the support you need to regain your autonomy.

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If you have found yourself caught in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, you probably feel worn down, disoriented and heartbroken. You might be questioning reality and you may even be doubting your self-worth. It is a painfully emotionally abusive experience.

But there is hope! 

You can reclaim your power and heal from the toxic cycle of abuse. 

Depending on how ready you are to make changes in your life, the next thing I have to say might be hard to hear…

It is a widely known fact, the number one recommended way to take back your power and heal is to go no contact with someone with narcissistic personality disorder who is causing pain in your life. 

NO CONTACT

This means absolutely no contact.

No texts 

No calls

No in-person conversations

No checking their social media profile 

The unfortunate reality is, people suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very unlikely to change- even with treatment. As long as we stay in relationship with them, we will continue to experience their toxic patterns and behaviors. Don’t be fooled by their hoovering and breadcrumbing (see previous blogs). 

There may be times when going no-contact is not possible. Whether it is a parent, boss, family member or someone we have to co-parent with, we are forced to continue to interact with the narcissist in our lives. In this situation, there are still strategies we can use to take our power back and avoid getting sucked into the cycle. 

GRAY ROCK

Gray rock is a technique in which we keep our communication as dull and emotionless as a gray rock. Some people have suggested being more of a yellow rock is advantageous. With yellow rock, your communication is slightly warmer but still emotionless. We can combine gray/yellow rock with the BIFF method for ninja-like communication skills! 

BIFF

The BIFF method is another communication strategy that keeps us from getting caught up in toxic communication patterns. It stands for Brief. Informative. Friendly Firm. 

When the narcissist in your life shows up with attacks, character assassinations, guilt trips and bait for arguments, DO NOT GET SUCKED IN. That is exactly what they want you to do. They want you to take the bait. 

One of my favorite quotes for dealing with narcissist is, 

Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. You will both get dirty and the pig likes it.  

-​​ George Bernard Shaw

This truer than I want it to be- If a narcissist can get you to be reactive and defensive, they are already winning. Chaos and conflict is where they thrive. 

And I don’t know about you, but I have already experienced enough chaos and conflict to last a lifetime. I do not need one second more of it. 

So, when they come at you with their guilt, trips, hostility, or character assassinations, meant to suck you in and get you riled up, do not take the bait. Remain as emotionless as a gray rock and keep your communication Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. 

You must ignore all of the criticism, blame and hostility directed at you. 

EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. OF. IT. 

I know it’s hard. I know it doesn’t feel right to let someone attack you without defending yourself. But you defending yourself is what they are counting on to draw you back into their muddy pit of emotional abuse. 

Here are some examples of responses you can use that will keep you out of that mud pit they want you in… (This is assuming you need to respond for some reason. Otherwise, no response and/or no contact is preferred.)

“Hello. I have received your message. I have not changed my mind.”

“Hi. I have considered your feedback, but I still feel the same.” 

“Hello.Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I will keep them in mind.” 

“I am not engaging any further on this topic.” 

“I have received your message. Asked and answered.”

OF COURSE 

The “Of Course”  method is more of an internal exercise that grounds us back in reality when the narcissist is in a flare and begins exhibiting some of their toxic behaviors. 

Maybe things have been peaceful for a while. Perhaps they have been nice lately. Just when you think the relationship has turned a corner and they have changed their ways, they ramp up again. Rather than allowing yourself to go into a tailspin, completely derailed by their behavior, you can say to yourself, 

“ Of course they are behaving this way. This is what they usually do when they  ________, (fill in the blank)

Feel out of controlNeed narcissistic supply to boost their fragile egoFind a new recruit for their narcissistic campaignFeel threatened or criticizedAre not getting their wayAre afraid their flaws are exposedAre being held accountable  Are not the center of attention

The “Of Course” method does not change the behavior of the narcissist, or yours for that matter, but it does help you do the following: 

It places you in the role of the observer which enables you to emotionally distance yourself from their hostile behavior. 

It strengthens and reinforces what you have learned because you take the time to remind yourself of the knowledge you have gained. 

It helps you predict what likely will happen in the future. So, when there seems to be temporary peace in the relationship, you can protect yourself emotionally by bracing yourself for what is likely to come next. 

The more you educate yourself about narcissism, the more likely you will be able to spot it and avoid those relationships and abuse cycles. 

LEAN ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

Sharing transparently with your support system is vital. The more we share with safe people, the more insulated we will be. We need people who can remind us who we are, validate the facts, and remind us of who and what we do not want to return to. 

PRACTICE SELF-LOVE

Many of us ended up in relationships with narcissists as a result of the intoxicating effect of love bombing. Even for those who are not susceptible to fantasize about idealized relationships, having someone shower you with gestures of love, attention and adoration feels good. It is not wrong to want to be loved.

At the same time, those of us who struggle with a self-love deficit are more likely to fall prey to the manipulation of love bombing. One of the best ways to make ourselves narcissist proof is to practice self-love. We can fill the deficit with acts of love towards ourselves. That way, when the narcissist comes along with their offerings of false love, we are less likely to fall for them out of pure desperation. 

We don’t have to shower ourselves with lavish gifts and expensive spa days (if you can, wonderful,). 

Self-love is about self-compassion, holding ourselves in positive regard, self- protection (boundaries), kindness and meeting our own wants and needs. It can be as simple as nourishing our bodies, taking time to enjoy the beauty of nature, speaking to ourselves kindly, setting boundaries to protect our well-being and having grace for ourselves when we need it. 

I have a note at my desk that says, “How can I love you more?” 

It’s a reminder to pause and notice what I need. It’s an invitation to practice self-love.

The more we learn to truly love ourselves, the less we’ll fall for the illusions of love that mask a narcissist’s need for control, power, and admiration. As we learn to find joy in our own company, we will no longer settle for toxic people and patterns.

May we learn to embrace solitude and discover that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, the practice of self-love and the enjoyment of our own compay will unlock the potential for deeper, more authentic connections with those who truly honor our worth.

And finally, may we reclaim our power from the narcissists who sought to diminish it, and heal fully from the wounds they left behind.

Are you ready to break free from relationships that are holding you back?

If so, our new Recovery curriculum, Free to Thrive is for you!
This survivor-developed, trauma-informed curriculum provides a compassionate and comprehensive pathway towards self-discovery and personal growth.

LEARN MORE

SOURCES:

“No contact” is widely promoted and the source is unknown.  Yellow rock technique builds on the widely used gray rock technique and was developed by Tina Swithin. 

The “Of Course Method” is from Ross Rosenburg’s Narcissistic Abuse recovery teachings. 

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Here’s a suggested rewrite for a stronger opening:

If you’ve ever faced the crushing blow of being discarded by a narcissist and found yourself drowning in a tidal wave of emotional abuse, know that you’re not alone. I understand the pain, and my heart goes out to you.

This experience can be even more disorienting if you don’t understand what happened to you and are left wondering what went wrong. 

Unmasking narcissism and bringing the relationship patterns and manipulative tactics narcissists use to light is an important step in the healing process. Once you can name what you have gone through, you will be empowered to protect yourself from further abuse and move forward.

First, it might be helpful to know what kind of narcissist you are dealing with…

TYPES OF NARCISSISTSGrandiose/Overt: this is your garden variety narcissist. They exhibit stereotypical narcissistic behavior and can be entitled, arrogant and charming.Covert/Vulnerable: The covert narcissist is more difficult to spot because they tend to mask in such a way that they can appear humble, more introverted, and quieter. They tend to be hypersensitive and defensive.Neglectful: This type of narcissist is only there when they need something from you. Otherwise they are MIA.Self-Righteous: They can tend to be fixated on being right and perceived as good. They tend to be judgmental, rigid, moralistic, and black-and-white and their thinking. Communal: They are do-gooders who appear to have a strong, moral code and a deep sense of right and wrong. They can appear generous and quick to serve others. However, they are motivated by the need to gain social control and elevate their self image.Malignant: They are the most dangerous form of narcissists and often have features that overlap with Antisocial Personality Disorder. They can be cruel and vindictive. They are more likely to be physically abusive and disregard the safety of others.

At the core of each of these types of narcissism is a fragile ego that the narcissist is trying to protect with various defense mechanisms. It is the need to protect a fragile ego that drives the following relationship pattern.

THE NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP CYCLEPHASE 1: IDEALIZATION

In the first phase of our relationship, the narcissist may have you on a pedestal. This is the period of the relationship when they are most likely to utilize love bombing, showering you with excessive adoration.  They may sweep you off your feet with grand gestures in order to gain your trust and compliance. 

If you do anything to cause narcissistic injury, leaving their fragile ego feeling threatened, they will move to the next stage of the relationship

PHASE 2: DEVALUATION

This is the tipping point in the relationship when they begin to devalue you. You have fallen off of the pedestal. They may become critical and attacking or simply withdraw attention and affection. 

This is the stage where you may begin to experience them using DARVO, a gaslighting tactic that can send you into a tailspin of confusion. DARVO stands for deny, attack, reverse role of victim and offender.

If you come to them with a topic you would like to address that makes them feel threatened. They will…

Deny the accusations

Attack you and

Reverse the role of Victim and Offender

PHASE 3: DISCARD

At this face in the relationship, the narcissist completely rejects you and pushes you away. They may move on to find a different source of narcissistic supply.

If they decide eventually they want to re-engage the relationship, they will demonstrate some of the original love bombing behaviors or possibly antagonistic behaviors or guilt trips to try to lure you back into contact and/or relationship. This is called hoovering, because just like a Hoover vacuum, they tried to suck you back in. 

The cycle goes on and on, leaving you, worn down, exhausted, confused, and heartbroken.

Here is the reality, this pattern will likely never stop until you do something to stop it.

The good news is, you can stop it. You can take back your power and break the toxic and devastating cycles of emotional abuse.

Check out my next blog, Reclaiming Your Power From a Narcissist: How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Are you ready to break free from relationships that are holding you back?

If so, our new Recovery curriculum, Free to Thrive is for you!
This survivor-developed, trauma-informed curriculum provides a compassionate and comprehensive pathway towards self-discovery and personal growth.

LEARN MORE

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Pimps and narcissists have a lot in common.

Obviously, not all pimps are narcissists and not all narcissists are pimps, but a high percentage of pimps demonstrate highly narcissistic behaviors. 

In fact, the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) reads like a playbook for pimps.*

See for yourself…

A grandiose sense of self-importanceA preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal loveA belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutionsA need for excessive admirationA sense of entitlementInterpersonally exploitative behaviorA lack of empathyEnvy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or herA demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

And when you look at the characteristics of malignant narcissism, the description sounds eerily similar to some of the more sinister pimps I have encountered. 

Malignant Narcissists…

Are adept at manipulating others to serve their own interestsCan use charm, flattery or deceit to gain trust and complianceDisregard the safety of othersExhibit antisocial behaviorCan be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or do not get what they want

As a survivor of pimp-controlled exploitation and someone who has spent over two decades providing services to women who have been pimped/trafficked, I have noticed another unfortunate pattern…

Many of us leave our exploiters only to find ourselves in relationships with people with narcissistic tendencies. It is terrible to experience the realization that you are dating someone who treats you in a way that is eerily similar to the way your pimp treated you. 

Getting stuck in a pattern of relationships with narcissists makes sense for a few reasons…

It is a normal human tendency to fall into relationship patterns that are familiar to us. We can become desensitized to narcissistic behavior when it is normalized by previous relationships.Some of the things that make us susceptible to exploitation are the same things that would make us susceptible to relationships with narcissists. For example, people with a history of trauma, those who did not experience emotional validation in childhood, and people in vulnerable situations or seasons of life. Of the main trauma responses, (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn) people with a tendency to fawn in response to trauma may have codependent tendencies. They may also be likely to put the wants needs and feelings of others above their own. Narcissists find this type of person particularly attractive for obvious reasons.

Beyond that, narcissists can be very charming. And their tactics can sweep the sturdiest among us off of our feet if we are not wise to their ways. 

So how did they get their hooks in us? The answer is most likely, love bombing.  

In the early stages of a relationship, they will shower you with attention and affection in order to gain your love, loyalty, adoration, trust or compliance. 

For example, they may…

Make grand gesturesTake you on extraordinary dates Buy you expensive giftsGive you excessive complimentsFuture fake- talk about plans for the future, such as moving in together, getting married or having a familyTry to get more time or commitment from you Saying I love you early in the relationship, before trust is built 

If you think some of this sounds a lot like what a pimp or trafficker does when they are grooming their victims, you are correct!

It can be pretty easy to fall for, especially for those of us who grew up on Disney fairytales. We were raised on the intoxicating stories of Prince Charming. 

Even for those who do not have the tendency to idealize romantic relationships, it is easy to see how someone’s desire for connection and relationship can be manipulated through love bombing. 

I feel like this is a good time to tell you something important…

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

It is not your fault they took advantage of your vulnerabilities. 

It’s not your fault they manipulated you.

It is not your fault they emotionally (or physically) abused you.

This message is really, really important for you to internalize. Especially because one of the main tactics that narcissists use is one that tries to convince you everything is your fault. 

If you ever muster the courage to confront a narcissist about their behavior, you can expect a very classic gaslighting response known as DARVO. 

DARVO stands for:

Deny 

Attack

Reverse role of Victim and Offender

It might sound a little something like this…

That’s not true/that’s not what happened. (Deny)

You’re acting crazy. I actually think something might be mentally wrong with you. You need help. (Attack) 

I’m tired of all of these false accusations because of your trust issues. You’re trying to make me out to be such a villain when you’re the one causing all these problems. (Reverse role of victim and offender)

Their entire MO is to get you to think that you are the offender… That you are the problem.

For the people in the back…

It’s.  Not.  You. 

And once you can finally see through the narcissist and their gaslighting tactics, you cannot unsee it.

The more insight we have into the strategies and patterns of narcissists, the better equipped we will be to have relationships with them.

So here’s to eyes wide-open!

Are you ready to break free from relationships that are holding you back?

If so, our new Recovery curriculum, Free to Thrive is for you!
This survivor-developed, trauma-informed curriculum provides a compassionate and comprehensive pathway towards self-discovery and personal growth.

LEARN MORE

*A diagnosis of NPD requires the presence of at least 5 of the 9 criteria

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I started to use cleaning as a coping mechanism when I was a teenager. There was a service porch off the back of my house that was originally meant to house a washer and dryer. I converted it into my bedroom and it was the first space that I had all to myself. It hosted a single mattress we found in the alley and a lamp I bought from a homeless person on the boardwalk for $20. (I am pretty sure I overpaid for this but it was the perfect shade of mauve.)

And how could I forget the space heater! The room was uninsulated and that space heater was my most prized possession, keeping me warm in the cold, damp Venice winters- I know, this is dramatic coming from someone raised in Southern California. We did not have central heat so it was VERY cold to me. 

It was in this little space I discovered the joy of minimalism. 

So much of my life felt completely out of control. But this tiny little space was something I could control. 

My rest of my childhood home was like a scene from hoarders. There was an entire section of our hallway that we could not access because it was filled with items stacked floor to ceiling. The kitchen floors had a film that made your feet stick to them when you walked. The rest of the floors were so dirty, if you walked across the house barefoot your feet would turn black. Dishes were piled like something from the mad hatter’s tea party in a basin of cold gray dishwater. The bookshelves in the accessible part of our hallway had a layer of dust so thick you could measure it with a ruler. 

And don’t get me started on the ant and roach infestation. The ants ate holes in our clothes. And the roaches- think Arachnophobia the movie, but with cockroaches. It got so bad we went to the pet store and bought geckos and released them inside of our home. Fat, happy lizards could be found perched in curtains or on the wall above your bed. You cannot make this up.

But my tiny little service porch sanctuary was clean and tidy.

Since then, cleaning and organizing has become a major coping strategy for me. 

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, the physical activity of cleaning coupled with the end result of a cleaner home helps reduce stress, feelings of anxiety, and depressive symptoms

Cleaning and organizing aren’t a replacement for therapy and recovery work, but it sure is a nice addition!

Organizing has become my love language. Keeping my home tidy is one of the ways I show love to myself. 

Here are a few strategies that have helped me make organizing a practice.

Start With One Space

One drawer, one closet, one cabinet. Organization is not an event, it’s a practice. Taking it slow and starting with one area at a time will make it less overwhelming, and more attainable.

Purge Regularly

I keep a bag in the back of my closet for Goodwill and place things in it throughout the year. Then, once a year I do a full purge. In the weeks before my children have a birthday, I help them go through their room and let go of the toys, clothes and items they no longer use. I like doing this before birthdays and Christmas because we are creating space for new things. We go through everything and decide whether we will keep or give each item. 

Only Keep What You Use, Need, or Love

When you purge, only keep what you use, need or love. Organization expert, Marie Kondo, encourages people to keep only the things that spark joy.

A Place For Everything & Everything In Its Place

One of the best ways to stay organized is to make sure you have a place for everything. And then, put things in their place. I even have a little tray for my junk pile of paperwork. It’s still a junk pile, but the tray makes it a little less. In my closet, I have a basket for clothes that I have worn once and want to wear again before washing. This keeps me from piling clothes on the chair in my room. 

Here are a few of my favorite items that help me keep things tidy.

Canned Goods Organizer

Egg Boiler

Junk Drawer Organizer

Kitchen Drawer Organizer

Kitchen Organizing Bins

Label Maker

Tin Foil and Plastic Wrap Organizer

Water Bottle Holder

Water Bottle Organizer 4-Tier

Ziplock Organizer

Condiment/Sauce Organizer

Egg Dispenser

Fridge Organization Bin Set

Long Narrow Fridge Bin

Soda Can Dispenser

Bag and Purse Hanger

Non-Slip Velvet Hangers

Space-Saving Shirt Hanger

Wrapping Paper Organizer

Jewelry Organizer

Necklace Hanger

*These links we created with the Amazon affiliate program and any proceeds go to support the work of Treasures.

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A Trauma Survivor’s Experience With Somatic Therapy

I am a therapist’s dream. Maybe I will run that by my therapist for verification when I am done writing this, but I am pretty sure it’s true.  I am eager to openly and vulnerably process what needs to be processed. I am quick to identify root causes of my behaviors, open to reflection and feedback, and tenacious in my pursuit of healing. 

One of my greatest coping mechanisms has been intellectualization. Factually and logically, I can assess the impact trauma has had on my life. Ask me how I am feeling… I am usually stumped. But all in all, I am a pretty good candidate for talk therapy. 

And yet…

On my journey to healing from trauma, I left my body behind.

No shame here. Just naming what happened. 

Debilitating, chronic pain in the form of sciatica was my first clue. During a time when I would have liked to have been walking around with my son on my hip, giving him piggy back rides, I was writhing on the floor, sobbing and wishing I could escape my body. Endometriosis and interstitial cystitis explained some of what was happening. Laparoscopic surgery for endo reduced the frequency and intensity of the pain, but it was (and is) still there- constant, relentless pain, taking up space in my life and chipping away at my mental and physical capacity. 

One day, my physical therapist commented on how tight my psoas is. Recognizing this is a place where many survivors of trauma store tension, she recommended somatic therapy. This began my journey of bringing my body along on my journey to healing. There has been a lot of catching up to do. 

For me, one impact of trauma has been a severing between my mind and my body. This helped me survive. It also led me to dissociate from my body for most of my life. Even now, when I pause to scan my body for pain and tension, I am often surprised to discover the level of pain I am actually in and the extent to which my muscles are bracing (which, btw, I have learned is a freeze response). In order to go about my day in spite of the pain, the ability to disconnect from my body has served me. Except that it hasn’t. 

This leads me to clue number two… in March of 2023, I was rushed to the hospital due to a bizarre set of symptoms and ultimately diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder that has been quite disruptive to my life. What I have discovered is that when we don’t give our body what it needs, ultimately, eventually, it will do it for us. 

There are only a handful of treatment centers in the world that treat this diagnosis and thankfully, one of them was here in LA. Guess what one of the primary focuses of my treatment plan turned out to be…

Somatic therapy!

I have long believed in the importance of a holistic approach to recovery. We are body, mind and spirit. I have dedicated the past 25 years to healing and renewing my mind while nourishing and strengthening my spirit. It took me a while (and that is okay), but I am finally ready to bring my body along for the journey.

The journey of embodiment begins with compassion.

Our bodies have carried us through so much. They have held so much. Even and especially those things we were not ready to face. 

In a world that is constantly telling us that we need to fix and change and modify our bodies in order to conform to current and fleeting beauty standards, I would like to invite you into something counterculture. I would like to invite you to listen to your body with compassion, kindness and gentleness. 

If you feel ready or interested in incorporating somatic practices into your life, I am including the links to videos that can help you along the way.  

Every body is different. As a trauma survivor, I have learned that there are some somatic practices that might be calming for other people, but have the opposite effect on my nervous system. I encourage you to start by paying attention to what is already happening in your body. And then notice how your own body responds. 

If, at any point, this does not feel comfortable or feels activating in any way, I encourage you to pause and listen to what YOUR body wants and needs.

And remember…

Your body deserves compassion.

Your body deserves kindness.

Your body deserves gentleness.

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Part 1- Somatic therapy Explained Part 2- Can I practice somatic work as a Christian Part 3- Vagus Nerve Stimulating Breath Part 4- Therapeutic tremor explained Part 5- Therapeutic tremor demonstrated #tre #somatichealing #somatictherapym #traumarecovery #vagusnerve #therapeutictremor

♬ original sound – HarmonyDust

@iamharmonydust

If you’re wondering what I’m doing, you can watch the series. Part 1- Somatic therapy Explained Part 2- Can I practice somatic work as a Christian? Part 3- Vagus Nerve Stimulating Breath Part 4- Therapeutic tremor explained Part 5- Therapeutic tremor demonstrated #tre #somatichealing #somatictherapy #christians #traumahealing #traumarecovery #vagusnerve #therapeutictremor

♬ original sound – HarmonyDust

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I have been in a wilderness season. I guess that’s what you call it when you find yourself in obscure places, deviating far from the path you thought you were on. 

Maybe it’s the wilderness, but it’s felt something like hanging off the face of a mountain, in a tent, during a blizzard, like those wild-eyed-mountain climbers. Only this was not a mountain I set out to climb. I much prefer the level ground where my feet are steady. 

In fact, I have a pretty healthy dose of fear of heights. I saw the movie Everest in the theaters and it was worse than any horror film I’ve seen. I almost got up and walked out because the heights were so dizzying and my anxiety so activated, I thought I would pass out. I vowed to never watch another mountain climbing movie again. 

I swiftly broke this vow in 2022 when I became shockingly obsessed with mountain climbing movies and documentaries. Somehow, watching these men and women faced with peril, but driven to reach the summit, brought me comfort. I needed to see people who had come to the absolute end of themselves, find a way to summon the strength to keep climbing. 

There are not a lot of people who can join you on a journey like that. There are not a lot of people who will camp out with you in a tent, hanging on the side of a mountain in a blizzard. I am beyond blessed to have a few friends who have done this for me over the past year and a half.

I value leading with vulnerability and authenticity. I have chosen to live my life out loud, gladly sharing my life and story in hopes of encouraging others. But this has been a quiet season for me. Because as much as I value sharing what I have learned experientially, I also deeply believe that it is important to process our pain privately before we share it publicly.

My emotional wounds are still quite fresh. My flesh is still exposed and requires the protection of balm and gauze. I’m not quite ready to rip the proverbial Band-Aid off and show the world my battle wounds. Yet. 

There has been a huge tension for me as I have made my life a little smaller and my voice a little quieter. It has felt like a contradiction to who I am. How can I lead from a place of vulnerability and authenticity if I cannot share the truest things about my life right here and now?

When someone asks me how I am doing, I have found myself bumbling for answers. My almost compulsive desire to be integrious stifles me from saying “fine” or “good” when I am not fine or good. One day in the  El Pollo Loco drive-through, the cashier rotely asked how I was doing. Truthfully, I was having one of the worst days of my life, but knowing it would not be appropriate to tell her about my terrible day, I eked out the word “good.”

I literally physically winced after the words came out of my mouth. As I drove away, I thought to myself “How can you say you are good when you know you are not good!? It’s a lie!” 

From that point on I came up with a new response for when people asked me how I was doing.

“You know what, I made it here today! How are you doing?” (Said with a slightly boisterous, comedic tone) 

That worked with strangers, but with acquaintances and outer circle friends, I still felt like I was hiding something. I processed this conundrum with a friend and she shared a thought that shifted all of the paradigms I held around this. 

There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. 

I needed to hear this. I needed to know that honoring my right to privacy is not the same thing as living inauthentically.

When I first left my exploiter, I had this sense that all of my choices mattered because one day I was going to share my story with someone else. I wanted to be able to tell them how I got through it. I still want this. I’m wired to want to share my lived experiences with others.

And yet, there is a pressure I have felt to place my story on the altar of the anti-trafficking movement. To give it away to the point that sometimes it has felt like it no longer belongs to me. I imagine other survivor leaders might share in this experience. 

Even outside of the anti-trafficking movement, for many of us with a “testimony”, there is the sense that our duty is to uphold the narrative of a success story. And if being a success story means that we are supposed to live on the summit, that doesn’t create a lot of space in our stories for the mountains we are still climbing. I wonder if this is part of the reason why so many leaders (church, corporate, NGO, political etc.) find themselves living double lives. They feel the need to pretend they are on the mountaintop when in reality, they are hanging off the side of a cliff. It’s hard to ask for help when, no one is supposed to know you’re struggling. 

I’m not sure if someone needs to hear this today. If not, I will tell it to myself…

Nobody lives on the mountain top.  

The mountain you are climbing today does not take away from the testimony of the mountains you have already climbed. 

There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. You are allowed to have privacy.

If you, like me, are wired to turn your pain into purpose, I want to remind you that you are allowed take the time you need to heal. It’s better not to share anything publicly that you have not processed privately with yourself, God, your inner circle, your therapist, or whomever you turn to for support.

When you have come to the end of yourself, when the summit seems unreachable, and you are certain you do not have it in you to take one more step forward, don’t give up. But feel free to set up a tent and take a rest. Tomorrow is a new day and you can pick up where you left off.

PS. This song has been the cry of my heart. Much to my daughter’s chagrin, I have played it approximately 7 gazillion times since last summer. I hope you love it as much as I do. 

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   “Pain that is not transformed is transmitted”~Richard Rohr  Do you ever feel like something is holding you back in your life? Like you keep running around the same mountain over and over. The truth is, unresolved pain can leak into every area of your life: your relationships, workplace, calling…even into the next generation.  How do I know this? Because, in so many ways, my story was my mother’s story. Unfortunately, the pain she didn’t deal with was passed on to me. If you’ve been sitting with unresolved pain or grief, I encourage you to watch this video. There is so much more for you in walking THROUGH your pain, but friend, the first step is to face it.   .fb-background-color { background: !important; } .fb_iframe_widget_fluid_desktop iframe { width: 100% !important; }

I knew “triggered” had become a buzzword when I overheard a group of elementary school students exclaim that they were triggered by a video of squishy slime. Broadly, a trigger is something that impacts your emotional state. As it relates to trauma, a trigger is far more serious than a reaction to slime videos on YouTube. It is something that causes you to feel like you are experiencing the trauma all over again.

As a trauma survivor, I can tell you that this is a very real thing. There was a time when something as simple as a man stepping into an elevator would send me into a panic and have me reeling with awful, intrusive thoughts of being attacked. It didn’t matter that I had never been attacked in an elevator, the experience of being alone with a man was all the trigger I needed.

Even to this day, I am deeply aware of the way I can be triggered by secondary trauma. Watching or listening to stories of trauma triggers my automatic tendency to disconnect from my body and feelings (also known as dissociation). I have to be very intentional to remain emotionally present in these situations.

WE DON’T HAVE TO LET TRIGGERS RUN OUR LIVES

Developing triggers can be a normal reaction to trauma, but we don’t have to let them run our lives. We can manage them, learn from them, and eventually heal from them. I have discovered this to be true…

Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story and walk your way to a different ending. ~Vienna Pharoan

So how do we move through the pain, the pattern and the story and walk our way to a different ending? Here is what has helped me…

5 WAYS TO COPE WITH TRIGGERS

1. GET GROUNDED

When you find yourself entering the throes of a heightened emotional state, you can use grounding techniques to bring you back to a calmer state.

Grounding is widely recognized as one of the most helpful ways of coping with trauma and anxiety. In fact, Navy seals are trained in the breathing technique below in order to stay calm in high-stress situations.

Navy Seal Breathing

     Inhale for 4 seconds. Hold 4. Exhale 4. Repeat.

5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

     • Sit comfortably. Breathe Deeply

     • Name: 5 things you can see. 4 things you can feel. 3 things you     can hear.  2 things you can smell. 1 thing you can taste

Breath Prayer

     A breath prayer is an ancient practice where you pray with the rhythm of your breath. I have found it to be incredibly grounding. To practice breath prayer…

          • If you are able, get still and open your heart to the presence of God.

          • Imagine that God is asking you, “What do you need?”

          • Once you know the answer, turn it into a simple breath prayer, calling on God to meet you in your place of need. For example, you may find yourself praying one of the following:

               • God, be with me.

               • Lord, help me.

               • Jesus, give me peace.

2. REALITY CHECK

For me, grounding also includes reorienting myself to reality. For example, as a survivor of domestic violence, I can easily become triggered during conflicts with my husband. When our conversations begin to feel intense and I sense that I am emotionally escalating (or dissociating, for that matter), I ground myself back to reality by reminding myself that I am married to a safe person who would never hurt me.

There is a difference between a trigger and a red flag….

It is worth mentioning that there is a difference between a trigger and a red flag. A trigger reminds you of previous trauma. A red flag is an indicator that the person you are currently engaging with is unsafe or abusive. Red flags include things such as manipulation, name-calling, disregarding or violating boundaries, controlling behavior, inability to control temper, threats, intimidation, physical aggression/abuse and destroying property to name a few. If you are experiencing any of these signs, I encourage you to leave the relationship when it is safe to do so and seek help immediately if need be. Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

3. OWN IT

Our triggers, and our actions when triggered for that matter, are ours to own. Being triggered might explain some of our behaviors and responses, but we can’t use it like a “get out of jail free card.” We are still responsible for our actions and reactions, even when we are triggered.

In some cases, you may find it helpful to share with the people around you when you are feeling triggered. Perhaps there are minor adjustments that they can make to help you navigate what is happening. However, when we are triggered, ultimately, the onus for managing our emotional response is on us.

For example, my husband knows that marital conflict, in general, is incredibly triggering to me. As an Italian man who is prone to emphatic hand gestures, even when talking about something as simple as his favorite ice cream, he tends to communicate quite passionately. However, in conflict, he does his best to be aware of his tone and body language, knowing that these things heighten my triggered state. It is fair for me to ask him to consider this when talking to me, but it would not be fair for me to expect him to never bring up any topic of contention, simply because all marital conflict is triggering to me.

4. GET CURIOUS

Let your triggered state spark your curiosity. You can ask yourself questions like the following to help you understand your reaction to the trigger. Sometimes, personal reflection and journaling will do the trick. But if the questions themselves are triggering to you, you may want to enlist the help of a good therapist to help you process.

     • What is triggering me right now?

Is it an internal trigger, such as a memory, or feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, anger, fear, vulnerability or feeling out of control? Or is it an external trigger, such as a smell, a location, a date/anniversary, a reminder of trauma, witnessing trauma, an argument, or a loss.

     • What is the story I am telling myself?

Sometimes, we get triggered because we tell ourselves a story about another person’s intentions, motives or actions.

     • Where is this response coming from?

Is there a painful or traumatic experience from your past that caused you to feel like this before?

For example, when I first began leading Treasures, I found myself feeling a deep sense of pain whenever a key leader would transition off of the team. I also noticed a desire to cut them off immediately and completely, as soon as they said they were leaving. As I began to explore my reaction, I discovered there was something much deeper happening for me. I experienced something that was a simple transition for them as abandonment and personal rejection. Each time someone moved or had a baby and moved on from Treasures, experiences of abandonment as a child resurfaced, causing me to relive those old traumas.

Recognizing this helped me reorient myself to the reality that I was not being abandoned or rejected. Over the years, I have learned to embrace the fact that change is a normal part of life and the nature of some relationships is seasonal. Getting curious about my triggers helped me to do this.

5. GET THE HELP YOU NEED

If you are finding yourself triggered often and having difficulty coping, or if you believe your triggers have become problematic, I encourage you to get the help and support you need in order to help you cope and heal. The SAMHSA Hotline 1-800-487-4889 can help you find resources in your area. If you are a survivor of the commercial sex industry, exploitation or trafficking, you can connect with Treasures here.

YOU are worth it!

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We are in a time of collective trauma. It has been important for me to name this as I process my own responses to what is happening during this historical season we are living through together. 

Global pandemic. Skyrocketing unemployment rates. Political tension. And a reservoir of pain and protests that have been unleashed as a string of unjust murders brought systemic racism to a boiling (and hopefully tipping) point.

Nightmares, difficulty sleeping and heart palpitations have served as a nudging reminder that what we are experiencing is, in fact, trauma.  

Like many of you, I am learning and unlearning, and doing my best to find my place in everything. What I hope to offer you today is an opportunity to identify some of the trauma responses you may be having, as well as tools to help you cope with those responses in healthy ways.

 

HOW TRAUMA AFFECTS US

Based on Self-Care for Social Workers Class and Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

I encourage you to check in with yourself as you read through the list of common trauma responses below.  Have you experienced any of these recently? 

Feeling helpless and hopeless. Believing nothing you do matters or isn’t causing any change. Taking care of yourself isn’t even on the radar. It’s not worth it, and nothing feels worth it.
A sense that you can never do enough. There is always more to do and not time to do it. It feels overwhelming and easy to feel what you’re doing is inadequate.
Hyper-vigilance. Feeling a lot of anxiety caused by trauma, that shows through increased sensitivity to certain stimulus (noise, smell, etc), always examining your environment for threats, always thinking about your job, and experiencing a high level of stress in your body. “In this state of hyperarousal, which is the first cardinal symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, the traumatized person startles easily, reacts irritably to small provocations, and sleeps poorly.”[1]
Diminished creativity. Trauma affects the brain’s capacity to be creative. In addition, if you don’t have time or space, you won’t have any time or energy to be creative. Creativity is very important to move forward and create new answers to the same challenges.
Inability to embrace complexity. Trauma also affects the brain’s capacity to hold complexity and instead see things as black and white.
Minimizing. Diminishing the importance of things and how work is affecting you. Thinking: ’I’m fine, not affected, can handle it’.
Chronic exhaustion/physical ailments. Feeling completely and consistently exhausted. May notice physical consequences of stress such as stomach pains, headaches, teeth grinding, jaw pain, etc. May be accustomed to being overwhelmed with work every week. This is a sign that you have to make changes.
Inability to listen/deliberate avoidance. Feeling saturated and avoidant—thinking that the best part of your job is when you are not there. Being physically at work but communicating with your whole body: ‘don’t talk to me’.
Dissociative moments. Checking out can be a coping method that was helpful when you were young but it is not helpful or sustainable long-term. It may look like day-dreaming, or being somewhere but your mind is elsewhere.
Sense of persecution. Thinking that everyone (employer, boss, clients) is against you. Lacking the agency to do anything about your situation.
Guilt. Feeling guilty in the face of other’s situations and suffering. Feeling guilty for making mistakes or taking time off.
Fear. Fear for yourself, for your safety, for your well-being.
Anger and cynicism.Feeling angry—could be anger at injustice, ‘the system’, at coworkers, clients, at yourself. Sometimes anger might look like cynicism, which is all too prevalent among people who experience secondary trauma.
Inability to empathize/numbing.Feeling numb. If you are numb, you won’t be present with people, bringing your full capacity and love for another. You also won’t be able to see if you are doing harm.
Addictions. Being addicted to harmful behaviors, substances and ways of living. Some addictions are culturally and organizationally accepted, like addiction to work, to pessimism, to criticism, or to adrenaline.
Grandiosity. Thinking that it’s all up to you, that you are indispensable. Your identity has become completely consumed with work, believing that everything depends on you (even if it doesn’t).

[1]Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror.(New York: Basic Books, 1997), 35.

 

HOW WE CAN RESPOND TO TRAUMA
1. GROUNDING

Grounding is widely recognized as one of the most helpful ways of coping with trauma and anxiety. In fact, Navy seals are trained in the breathing technique below in order to stay calm in high-stress situations.

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES

Breathing (Inhale for 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 4, repeat)

5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique 

Sit comfortably
Breathe Deeply
Name 5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste





 
2. SELF-CARE

In a time when many of us are working from home with no childcare, self-care might sound like a pipe dream! And for those of us who are spending ourselves learning, researching, protesting and staying engaged in important justice work, it can be hard to remember to pause long enough to check in with ourselves, let alone take care of ourselves. If there is one thing I know from nearly two decades working in anti-trafficking, it’s that self-care is what makes justice work sustainable.

SELF-CARE PRACTICES THAT DON’T COST A DIME

    Meditation and Prayer
    Journaling
    Laughing
    Singing
    Puzzling, coloring, and reading
    Create a gratitude list (Gratitude shifts our perspective and releases dopamine)
    Exercise (releases dopamine and reduce stress)
     Go for a drive and crank up the tunes! Or the podcast or audiobook…
Reduce/limit media exposure
Hydrate, rest and nourish your body

 

3. STAY CONNECTED

I believe that healthy, reciprocal relationships are one of the most life-giving, healing agents in existence.

This meme started going around at the beginning of the pandemic.

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I think the reason it has been so popular is that it speaks to the ways in which we cope with pain and trauma. Some might drink their feelings and others might eat their feelings (See me raising hand). Some might use exercise to cope, while others might build their faith and press into God. Some of our coping mechanisms are more helpful than others.

In his TED Talk, addiction expert, Johann Hari, makes a powerful statement…

“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.’’

As we navigate collective trauma and try to respond with healthy coping mechanisms rather than maladaptive ones, I truly believe that fostering authentic connections with safe people is vital. Our best way through this is together.

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   @harmonygrillo

 

 

HOPEFULLY HELPFUL RESOURCES 

    Spiritual Grounding: I am LOVING the One Minute Pause App by John Eldredge.
   The Youversion Bible App has some great, free devotionals 
    PTSD Assessment, Support and Tools: PTSD COACH App
    My favorite soothing music
     Isolation to Invitation: A 2-week guide for retreat in a time of quarantine. 

 

 

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