Fred Colby's Blog

If you were as well trained as I was, you learned early on in your marriage to always put the toilet seat down! There is nothing that can earn the wrath of your wife more than going to the bathroom in the dark at night and sitting down on a piss-wet cold toilet base… because you left the toilet seat up! And if she was a small-butt gal she could even fall in.

Like me, most of you probably learned quickly that if you ever expected her to forgive you, much less have intimate moments with you again, that you damn well better remember to put the toilet seat down!

However, after she passed you might have that eureka moment when you realize that you no longer have to put the toilet seat down. In fact, there may be several “trained behaviors” that you may now change or leave in the rear-view mirror.

Some examples include:

Making the bed each morning

Washing the dishes after each meal

Picking up your clothes and towels off the floor

Vacuuming regularly

BUT, and this is a big but, you may feel that every time you ignore these trained behaviors that you are betraying your wife. Aren’t these behaviors evidence of the positive impact she had upon your life? Aren’t these behaviors proof of her ability to help you transform from a troglodyte into a respectable human being?

While there may be some truth to these observations, you may be able to find a happy medium where you are not quite so anal about adhering to these rules while retaining the more meaningful of them.

It is important that we keep the foundation of our being that we built during our long marriage with a wonderful woman who helped us to become the best version of ourselves. And ditching all the good behaviors we learned can seem like turning our back on her.

I always recommend that we learn to remember, honor and love her as we move forward in our lives. Holding onto the best of what we learned from our time with her is one way to do this. But do you have to be anal about it? I don’t think so. Be kind to yourself and allow some flexibility in your approach to life going forward.

Do you need to put the toilet seat up every time? Hell no! Do you have to make the bed every morning? Heck no!. Do you need to wash the dishes every time you eat? Are you kidding?

But, if your house is becoming a pig stye, your sink is full of unwashed dishes, your floor is littered with dirty clothes… well then you probably need to take a hard look at both your mental and physical health. Please talk to a qualified grief therapist if you find yourself going down this road very far.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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This is the second of two articles on topics often seen as taboo. Failing to confront important topics only makes our ability to heal even more difficult than it already is. Part 1 dealt with Suicidal Thoughts. Part 2 article deals with Sexual Desires During Grieving, including: constant arousal and masturbation.

If you were fortunate enough to still share intimate moments with your wife before she passed, there is a good chance that you could experience intense desires for intimacy within days of her dying. And this can easily continue for months or even years.

It does not matter if you are 30 or 70 years old. If you still have the ability and testosterone to perform sexually, age is not a factor. I can testify that these intense desires for the touch of a woman and for the sexual act can easily exceed what you felt when you were 16 years old!

Realizing that this is normal allows you to diminish the guilt and self-condemnation that may haunt you because of your desires and actions. Also, knowing this should help you to confront and then manage manifestations of this craving. This can help you to avoid some risky behaviors and relationships that might lead to more regrets and self-punishing behavior.

This desire for sexual release is often referred to as Widower’s or Widow’s Fire… and yes, it does affect women as well. In a blog appearing on the website thewidowshandbook.com, the author states:

“ Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.
 
“When we lose our partner… we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive.”
 
“What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone.”

Sex is a topic that widowers often have difficulty discussing with each other, much less with friends, family, or even therapists. And yet, it needs to be addressed. Why? Because so many of us have so much trouble dealing with the topic.

It does not matter whether you are impotent or acting like a bull elk during rutting season. Either way, it can be a psycho-emotional and physical issue that is especially disconcerting during the deep grieving cycle in the first 6 – 12 months after your wife passes.

During my grieving, I found the sudden re-emergence of sexual desires to be especially troubling. It often would disrupt my ability to think straight, adding to my already challenging evenings when loneliness and a desire for companionship would become super-accentuated. You can easily fall into relationships that are unhealthy and potentially damaging to your physical and mental health.

A friend of mine, Maryann Karinch, wrote an article, Sex After Your Partner Dies for Psychology Today that addresses this topic. Her article provides “helpful insights for those craving intimacy in widowhood.”

Her key points are:

It's normal for people to miss sex and intimacy with a dying or recently deceased partner.

Friends and therapists may find it uncomfortable to initiate a discussion about sex after widowhood.

The loss of a partner can erode self-confidence, which can initially make it difficult to start anew sexually.

Rather than repeating all of the points made in her article, I am providing the link to it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/healthy-connections/202107/sex-after-your-partner-dies

Maryann (who is a prolific writer with her name appearing on the cover of 33 books) added the following on the sensitive topic of masturbation:  

“You’re vulnerable after losing your spouse, and masturbation can fulfill an acute need for feel-good hormones—dopamine and oxytocin are key—while protecting you from an

impulsive physical relationship. Think of it as part of your coping toolkit rather than the

single tool you rely on to feel better. Masturbation is healthy if your healing strategy also

includes things such as dinner with friends, going to the gym, and, yes, social events to

meet people with whom you might eventually be intimate. But if you often think, “When

can I do it again?” that’s when it becomes disruptive and you need to chat with a

therapist.”

You may never have experienced anything quite like this and it is hard to explain these feelings to others. Add this to our already sleep-deprived and troubled emotional state, and you have a toxic mix that can lead to mistakes that disrupt or permanently ruin your relationships with family, friends, and/or workmates.

If these are issues that you are dealing with, please read these and other articles and take what you can from them. I always advise my readers to find what resonates for them and learn from that and then let go of the parts that don’t work for them.

I hope some of you who are suffering as I did during my deep grieving will find some helpful information and thoughts in this article. If you continue to struggle, please reach out to a therapist to help guide you through this.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website:Fred Colby, Author

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Most widowers, even the more extroverted of us, tend to shy away from discussing topics that seem too personal, too sensitive, or just plain uncomfortable. As men, we are trained to keep these things to ourselves. So we just don’t discuss them privately or in public. The negative effects of this are bad enough during normal times… but much worse when we become a self-isolated, lonely, grieving widower wallowing in our sorrow and thoughts at home.

Our failure to acknowledge and discuss these topics can lead to:

misinterpretation of what is happening to us,

fear of how others will react to us,

misunderstanding of our natural reactions to our experience, and

depression with subsequent destructive behaviors.

So, let’s get these out in the open here, and acknowledge them… that is the first step to healing and regaining some sense of confidence, and feeling whole again.

The topics I will address this two part series are:

Suicidal thoughts

Sexual Desires During Grieving including:

Constant arousal and masturbation

Suicidal Thoughts

(Editor’s note: If you are in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Lifeline provides confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat.)

Gene Myers wrote in USA Today Network – New Jersey about why the risk of suicide is so much higher among older men in the U.S. He cited experts who say it reflects a pattern of growing isolation as men age. “Experts warn that men face a disproportionate threat. They are the most likely group to die by suicide.”

Based on recent data, men in the U.S. died by suicide about four times the rate of women – 22.9 per 100,000 compared with 5.9 per 100,000 (CDC statistics). And men over the age of 75 have the highest rate of suicide by a wide margin (43.9 per 1000).

As I have mentioned often before, we men tend to have few if any close male friends when we lose our wives. Many of us are retired from jobs that were the primary source of our friends and acquaintances. These usually fall away after we retire or become widowers. If we are not active in our community or church, it is difficult to develop new friendships as our work friends fade away.

We often have become overly reliant upon our wives as our one and only close friend who has become our sole companion at home and in outside activities. Without her spurring us on we frequently choose the lazy path, sitting at home by ourselves watching television or piddling around the home doing small chores. The Survey Center on American Life calls this the “friendship recession.”

It is difficult for widowers to reach out to others, to find and sign up for new activities, to begin from scratch while trying to build new friendships with both women and men. We often avoid discussing our struggles, but doing so is essential for healing and building supportive relationships as we move forward in life.

We may not recognize the emotional isolation that often builds quietly over time until we find ourselves completely cut off from everyone and everything. This can lead to suicidal thoughts including a sense of hopelessness, increasing sleeplessness, bad eating habits, and/or increased use of alcohol or drugs.

To overcome this challenge, we must do some things that are uncomfortable for many of us, such as:

reaching out to others for help – talking to friends and family, meeting with a grief therapist, joining a Men’s Grief Group,

signing up for special interest or activities groups in your area – Meetup.com is a good resource for this, reading groups, sports activities groups, dancing groups, educational groups, etc.,

volunteering in areas that interest you such as your local library, food bank, hospice, hospital, food delivery programs for seniors, etc., or

becoming active in your church if you belong to one, teaching Sunday school, helping with the yard maintenance or bookkeeping, etc.

·         Forming a group of single men in your area who get together on a weekly or monthly basis just to have coffee, a beer, or dinner together. I and four other guys formed our “Beer and Bull” group five years ago and are still meeting every month. It takes time and effort to form these groups, but it is worth it.

If you reach out and talk to others, you are likely to be surprised by how many of them will genuinely want to help. And one sure-fire way to help yourself is TO HELP OTHERS! This gets you outside of yourself and your own problems, which are likely to diminish if you are involved with helping others.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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During our early stages of discombobulated, slightly psychotic, and often delusional widower behavior, we may find ourselves reacting inappropriately in public, private, and even intimate settings. These may cause intense emotional pain, self-condemnation, and further isolation. Others, knowing that you are suffering, may let it go. But you may be punishing yourself by revisiting your self-perceived “cringe-worthy” behaviors over and over again.

Because we may feel that we are going off-track at times, we become fearful of interacting with others as we are well aware that we may react with anger, confusion, or deep pain to:

simple comments (e.g. How are you doing?),

inane comments (e.g. She is in a better place now.),

ignorant suggestions (e.g. Why don’t you sign up for a dating site?),

hurtful statements (e.g. If you had prayed more maybe she would have lived longer.),

intrusive statements (e.g. How much money and debts do you have now?),

assertive statements (e.g. You just sit down, and I will take care of everything.)

You cannot possibly anticipate the many variations of these that may crop up. And you cannot prepare yourself for the infinite variety of things that can suddenly disrupt your day and send you spiraling down a grief vortex that may seem impossible to escape. I especially experienced this during the first three months after my wife, Theresa, passed in 2015.

As you progress through your grief you will find that it becomes easier to ignore or at least minimize the impact of these statements. The best way to speed up this part of the healing process is to meet these challenges head on. If you have a strategy going in, it is easier to avoid going off the deep end when surprised by some comment or question.

The repercussions of our behavior can be devastating if they result in broken relationships with family or friends, loss of confidence, self-isolation, fear of interactions with anyone, and a loss of control over our thoughts and sanity. Once you start down this path it is tempting to just bury yourself in your grief and refuse to interact with anyone else. This only aggravates the worst of your symptoms and makes it incredibly difficult to exit your grief.

If you find yourself in this situation, try to recognize your need for help. This may include:

Joining online website and Facebook Men’s Grief Organizations (see my Resource page for more information: https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks )

Participating in Grief Groups, preferably Men’s Grief Groups, if you can find one in your area

Signing up for one-on-one counseling with an experienced grief therapist (it does not matter whether this person is a man or woman…. both can help)

Reading blogs, articles, and books on the topic (again please see my Resource links)

All of these steps help you to realize that you are not alone, that what you are going through is normal, and that you will eventually pull out of this deep grieving.

Anyway, you get the idea. Take a deep breath, and then respond directly, and politely as possible to any comments that offend you. Ask others to please tell you the memories they have of your wife. This can be fun and eye-opening as you learn things about her that are new to you. If you take this approach, you will be able to better communicate with your friends and family and not fear that you will ruin your relationship with them.

Whatever you do, please do not self-isolate in your home for months on end. I know people who took this route and found it increasingly difficult to pull out of it. Months can easily turn into years with broken relationships increasingly difficult to repair.

I know it is difficult to take the steps I have recommended above, but I know thousands of widowers who have taken these steps and it helped them to heal and to eventually even enjoy life again.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

As I sit here on the deck of a beautiful cabin set in Colorado’s White National Forest, I cannot help but think back to my visit here ten years ago, almost to the day. That visit was about ten days after my wife had passed after a six-month battle with uterine cancer.

I was not in a good mental or emotional place then, and knew that if I stayed home, it would be difficult to confront my grief while surrounded by well-meaning and loving friends and family. My instincts told me that I needed some time alone to process my grief. Somewhere where I could meet it head on. I told my daughters of my plan to escape for a few days, and let them know that I would check-in with them on a daily basis as I knew they were concerned about my state of mind.

At the cabin I was separated from all others by miles instead of feet. This meant that I could:

scream at the top of my lungs as often as I felt the need,

sob and cry as much as I wanted,

contemplate all the regrets and doubts I had,

try to reconcile my desperation for intimate physical contact with my deceased wife despite the fact that she was gone and we would never ever have that again,

read and consider books and articles about the widower experience that I brought with me, and

take aimless wandering hikes through beautiful forests while allowing the grief to permeate every nook and cranny of my being.

While there I had many one-sided conversations with my deceased wife, trying to understand why she was gone, why God would punish me this way, why she went first, why we had not recognized the seriousness of her illness earlier, and why this hurt so damned much. I also had many fears about my future without the steadying and encouraging role she played in my life.

The first three days at my hide-away were pure hell as the grieving dominated my every moment. The next two days were spent mentally accepting this new reality that was now my world, a world without Theresa forever going forward. And finally, during my last two days at the cabin I began to consider how I might move forward in both grieving and healing.

The pain did not go away because of this trip, but it did begin to moderate some. I stopped trying to deny or fight the grieving. Instead, I began to welcome grief and to proactively define it as my way to remember, honor, and love this wonderful wife of mine who had shared forty-five years of her life with me.

This allowed me to learn from and absorb what I discovered from reading all of the books and articles that I could find on the experience. (Most importantly I learned how little there was out there to help widowers… resulting in my writing the book Widower to Widower).

This experience also allowed me to begin turning my attention to supporting my two daughters, two sons-in-law, four grandchildren, Theresa’s family, and five siblings as they too processed their grief. Together we all helped each other to understand and to heal.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, even if it has been months since her passing, or even if you find yourself stuck in grief a year or two later… please consider escaping for at least a few days so you too can confront your grief and begin the healing process.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

As we become widowers, many of us struggle with the question of “if” and “when” is it appropriate to start dating? Some of the things we are fearful of are:

making unforgivable mistakes,

embarrassing ourselves,

being taken advantage of,

offending children, family, and friends by dating too soon.

This can lead to a long difficult internal discussion about the wisdom of ever dating again, much less next month. This is just one article I have written about this difficult topic. If you are reading this, you probably have been thinking hard about this. I do recommend that you take your time to consider whether it is the right decision for you, even though your body and mind may be screaming for you to jump into dating, right now!

Once you have decided to date again as a widower, prepare yourself for the shock of entering a dating scene that has changed dramatically since your younger days.

I only decided to date again after an emergency hernia operation that led to my desire to re-engage with life again. A humorous incident that included an untimely infatuation with a young dental hygienist (see my book for full story) prompted me to see my therapist, who then advised me to consider dating again… And soon!

This led me to sign up for Match.com and other websites to place myself on the market. Filling out the bio, interests, and desires for possible matches, as well as providing a photo, was a mentally challenging experience. You want to be honest, but let’s face it, our self-image can be terribly skewed either for or against ourselves after losing our wives. You want the biography to put your best foot forward while not distorting the truth. If you are going to sit down with someone over a cup of coffee, they will quickly figure out if you lied.

And photos! Try finding a good photo of yourself that is current without hiring a headshot expert. Eventually, I ended up taking several self-photos to get one I liked. As you will find out, many online-dating participants give up and use photos that are clearly outdated. This becomes obvious when you meet them. See some television series such as “Later Dater” to better understand how awkward this can sometimes be for both parties.

I discovered that many women in wealthier areas (Boulder, CO in my case) often spent over a thousand dollars on photos and biographies for their online dating page. (My book delves into detailed tips for online dating) Sometimes the biography sections sound like a fantastical story.

Knowing that my emotional and physical states were fragile at best when I started dating, I decided to seek a woman who came across as nice, but not challenging. In other words, I was not looking for the hottest, youngest, and sexiest first date. More than anything I just wanted to find out if I could date again while enjoying myself and maintaining my balance.

I was fortunate as the first woman to approach me was the perfect first date. We met over wine and cheese after she got off work. The conversation was surprisingly easy, my physical discomfort (arousal) was minimal, and emotionally I felt in control the whole time.

This encouraged me to seek more dates, which led to a period of “binge dating” (something that other widowers reported to me as happening to them as well). I was fortunate to have several “get acquainted” dates with six different women over the next two weeks. With each date my self-confidence, my ability to control my physical reactions, and my comfort with women in a dating environment grew steadily. Though at times exhausting, dating provided me with many benefits, including distraction from dwelling on my loss, a chance to re-engage with life, self-esteem, and most importantly, the female companionship I so desperately wanted.

My experiences with the dating scene helped prepare me for when I met someone special who I am still with eight years later. Because of my prior experiences I was in a much better psycho-emotional state and was more understanding of what a new and good relationship would look like now that I was over 65 years old, and single again.

After meeting many other widowers in my role as founder and facilitator for men’s grief groups, I now know that not all widowers are as driven as I was to re-enter the dating scene. However, many of them are, and the fear of it will often discourage them from taking a chance.

One acquaintance of mine was very fearful of reentering the dating scene and was disappointed when responses to his website page were minimal. However, after some sprucing up, improved photos, and encouragement from others he tried again. This time he met some wonderful women and eventually relocated with one of them.

I can only say that for me it was an early and important step to emerging from the deep dark grieving in which I had found myself submerged. And I know many others who would say the same.

For that reason, I encourage my fellow widowers to give it a try when they get to the point where they are willing to take a chance. Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Don’t feel alone if you are thinking that you will NEVER be happy again… much less able to be successful again in important areas of your life. After losing your wife, life just does not seem to be worth living anymore.

However, immersing yourself in grief after your wife dies is unavoidable. It is even necessary and healthy to experience this grief. These early stages of your grief journey may go on for months, or even years. But, if you stay buried in grief, isolate yourself in your house, sit around and do nothing, and/or avoid contact with others, you may need to ask if this is:

conducive to your healing?

good for your relationships with children, family, friends?

a productive way to remember and honor your wife?

respectful of the many years you and your wife spent building a good life?

If the tables were turned, and you died first, would you want your wife to mope around in deep grieving for years after your passing? Of course not! So why should you want it for yourself?

How the heck do you pull out of this deep grieving? Many of us would like to feel a sense of success in life again, and to feel happiness again. I have spoken before of “reinventing yourself” as a key part of this process. (see May 26, 2025 blog titled Reinventing Yourself to Survive & Heal)

In the past, success might have been measured by your role as a husband, father, son, business owner, worker, coach, or volunteer. There are so many ways to achieve success… the list is endless. The trick is to find the way that works for you individually. As men, we desperately need this sense of purpose and success. Without our wives around to cheer us on and to validate our success, we may have to find new ways to achieve it.

In the 2018 Harry’s Masculinity Report (a survey of  5,000 men ages 18-95 across the US) found that the strongest predictor of men’s happiness and well-being is their job satisfaction, by a large margin. “Men at work are more likely to be men comfortable with themselves. Everything else—contentment at home, in relationships and friendships—flows down from men being satisfied at work.”

Other top indicators of a positive mindset and wellness for American men are… their physical and mental health, income, age (men over age 50 were significantly happier…), and relationship status. The survey found that 91 percent of married men had normal or better levels of mental positivity. And friendship is a particularly strong predictor of well-being for men.

So what does a widower do now that they are not working, no longer have a wife, and maybe having trouble maintaining their friendships? To top it off, many of us find ourselves facing various physical problems brought on by the stress of losing our wife.

The first step is to re-evaluate what you still have in your life that defines you and can help you to regain that sense of success. This can be your role as a:

Father, grandfather, uncle, or brother

Friend who cares for and helps others

Volunteer at your local nonprofit, church, school, library, or other community organization

Part or full-time employee

Each of these can provide you with a real sense of self-worth while contributing to your community. The return can be invaluable whether it be gratitude for your efforts, building new friendships, or just feeling good about yourself.

A sense of success and happiness is possible again; but it takes hard work and persistence to realize it.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

As we said at every meeting of my online grief group, “It will never be the same again!” Nothing shakes up your world and self-identity like the loss of your wife.

When Theresa, my wife of 45 years, passed in 2015 I lost three of the four legs that supported the foundation of my life: wife, family, job, and faith. My faith was in crisis, I had left my job to take care of my wife, and my wife was now deceased. Only my family remained.

To add to my sense of loss, I felt as if half of my identity had been ripped away. What was left to define me and to serve as my foundation going forward?

At first, the answer was not much. As I emerged from the deepest and most painful first months of grieving, I realized that I did not know who this new person was. Were the labels of widower and grandfather all that was left to define me? Did I want to continue as this ill-defined half of a person that I seemed to now be?

I discovered over time that reinventing yourself does not mean that the old self was imperfect or lacking. However, this process is a recognition that things have changed, and you may need to adapt to your new reality.

After getting out some, and meeting new people, and trying some new activities, I realized that I could redefine my new self any way that I wanted to. Yes, I would always be Theresa’s husband, the father of my children, and the grandfather of my grandchildren… but I could be more. It was up to me! No one else could do it for me.

This led to me engaging in snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, hiking, and dancing as a way to redefine my newly active self. So often, some of us who have been in long marriages tend to fall into a complacency which leads to a less active lifestyle with few new challenges. We tend to spend more time on leisure activities like reading, going to the movies, watching sports, etc. This gets old real fast when you are by yourself and have no one to share things with. Over time, if not addressed, this can lead to isolation and depression.

I recognize that during this time of deep grieving it can be especially challenging to get out there and become more active. But even then, there is no reason we cannot begin looking for those activities and projects that we might be able to join soon. And some activities, such as outdoor ones, can first be started on a small scale. Writing journals, joining online groups, and more can also be initiated now.

To keep my new self mentally engaged, I soon joined two Boards of Directors: the local library, and Pathways hospice which had supported my wife, me, and my family through her passing and our grieving process. At Pathways I worked with the Grief & Loss department to help launch and then co-facilitate a Men’s Grief Group which continues to this day.

And finally, I decided to write my book, Widower to Widower, to help other widowers to survive the painful and daunting grief process. Like Herb Knoll (author of The Widower’s Journey), I had spent months trying to find printed materials which could help me through the grieving experience. Much to my own and my therapist’s dismay we could find little that was of use. She finally challenged me to write the book I would want to read. This led to me spending over a year of writing and editing, and another year of formatting, polishing, publishing, and promoting the book. (Click here to see reviews and testimonies of Widower to Widower)

Eventually, all of these new activities, friends, compatriots, and positions helped me to re-invent my new self into something healthy and vibrant again. The four-legged stool was restored by reclaiming my faith, adding new volunteer “jobs” to my resume, strengthening my role as father and grandfather, and bringing new friends into my circle. Today, while I still grieve for my wife at times, I once again feel alive and fully engaged with my community, friends, and family.

This new self was developed over a four-year period and is still a work in progress. Over time it has evolved further. I am convinced that for me this process of re-inventing myself was crucial to my healing from the deep grieving I experienced after losing Theresa.

Each widower will find their own way to this “reinvention” process and will do so at their own pace. It can be a noble undertaking that engages you in a dynamic and creative way.

There is no need to rush it, force it, or even fully engage with it. Allow yourself the time and space to do this in a way which meets your individual needs, background, culture, and situation. If you do this, you can eventually find yourself enjoying life once again.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

During the first year of being a widower, we often find ourselves:

Unable to sleep more than 2 – 4 hours a night,

Sinking into a depression with constant sobbing,

Unable to determine what is real and what is unreal,

Craving to have a woman in our lives,

Losing focus on what we are trying to work on, and/or

Unable to communicate with others.

Does this sound like a good place to be when trying to make life-altering decisions? Hell no! During that first year, we are extremely vulnerable and easily misled by both ourselves and others.

And yet, many of us do make ill-fated decisions that can really mess up our:

physical mental, and financial health,

employment status,

relationships with family, friends and/or workmates,

living arrangements, and

marital status.

Any of the following newbie widower mistakes can create situations that often cannot be undone. They may lead to complicated grief or widower’s syndrome.  To undo the harm already done, it may take years of therapy, mending fences, and corrective actions. And these difficulties often lead to growing issues with alcohol and drugs which can only make all other problems worse.

So, what kinds of widower mistakes am I talking about? The following are just a few of the many I have heard firsthand from my fellow widowers or have experienced myself. They include, but are certainly not limited to:

Allowing friends or family members to talk you into distributing furniture, cash, cars, and other assets before you are mentally capable of making good decisions.

Letting others talk you into major financial decisions such as selling your home, refinancing, investing your wife’s savings or insurance money into some venture, or selling something to others for a low-ball price.

Starting to date women you don’t even know before your emotional state settles down and you can distinguish between those who are genuine and those who are looking for someone to take advantage of.

Marrying someone in the first year after losing your wife (this happens way too often).

Selling your home and all your assets and then hitting the road with no way back.

Quitting your job or selling your business too fast before you are able to look at the options objectively.

Not recognizing health issues when they emerge or not going to the doctor when suffering (over 50% of us have a major health issue in the first year after losing our wives).

Taking our anger and frustration out on our family and friends, effectively driving them away from us when we need them the most.

ONE YEAR RULE: These and many other mistakes are not someone’s imagined reality. They are real occurrences that happen repeatedly. They are the reason that you hear grief therapists, authors, and others constantly repeat the mantra, “Do not make any major decisions for at least one year after losing your wife.”

You might think that you are the exception and that you can get away with making these rookie widower mistakes, but I can tell you that there is a good chance that you are wrong. So please, no matter which of these mistakes you may be making, please at least pause, talk to someone, and think it through carefully before moving forward.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Almost all of us will arrive at a point early in the grieving process when we realize that we are now all alone. Even if we have kids to take care of, friends and family nearby, and/or church members supporting us… we may still feel that we are isolated and possibly losing all connection to reality.

This realization can make the world around us seem scary and surreal. Half of our identity has been ripped away and the remaining void overwhelms us.  We grew with, experienced success and failure with, and built a unified identity with our spouse. Without her we are now desperate to fill this vacuum. 

That is why 52% of widowers remarry within eighteen months after their loss. Unfortunately, over 50% of these marriages will fail… and often within one year of being married again.  Widowers can be desperate to find the companionship they so sorely miss.

Grief therapists often advise widowers to not make any major decisions during the first year after their loss. At minimum, the decisions to avoid include remarrying, selling your house, and giving away all your wife’s possessions. Other decisions to delay include job and life-style changes. Yet, some of us may find ourselves in circumstances that dictate we make these changes (e.g. debts, family, legal issues).

I have met many widows who did not enter new meaningful relationships for years after their husband died. In contrast, a majority of the widowers I know, entered new relationships within months, if not within a year, of their wife’s passing.

So how can we help those widowers who ask us for advice and need help to avoid making harmful decisions? Let’s face it, we are not trained therapists; but we are often one of the few people they will speak with outside of their family and friends. As someone familiar with death and its impacts, they may turn to us (as fellow widowers) for help. Especially since the topics we speak of here can cause huge turmoil in their family, often leading to irreconcilable ruptures.

Many widowers I speak with are terribly ashamed of the thoughts they have about wanting a woman in their lives again. As you might know firsthand, we can be deathly afraid of raising the topic with our children, siblings, parents, workmates, or church friends. If we have not found someone we can talk to, we will be desperate to talk about this with someone who can provide us with some empathy and direction.

 Here are some suggestions that we can share with others that do not cross over into the “therapist” turf:

Let them know that the feelings they are feeling are very normal,

Assure them that they are not going crazy,

Advise waiting for one year before making any major decisions as is commonly recommended by grief therapists and is good advice for all widowers,

Suggest finding a grief therapist (local hospices can often help with this) and urge them to meet with the therapist as soon as they can do so,

Recommend joining a Men’s Grief Group to help support them through the first year or so, and

Read Herb Knoll’s, Fred Colby’s, or other books on the widower experience.

You can also share the following link to books, blogs and resources designed to help every widower to find answers and support: https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks

As widowers, we all need support during our grieving process. We may remember how difficult it was to ask for help or to accept it when offered. So, let us be willing to reach out a hand to others as they begin their own grief journey. Being grateful for our own progress and being willing to help others is a critical part of the healing process.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower