C.C. Finlay's Blog

Last November I suggested that circumstantial evidence in the Penn State case indicated that Joe Paterno used his influence to cover-up cases of child sexual abuse committed by one of his coaches, and that university leaders probably went willingly along with it. http://ccfinlay.livejournal.com/189381.html

Today, former FBI Director Louis Freeh, who was hired by Penn State to investigate the case, determined that there is actual physical evidence that Paterno used his influence to cover-up child sex abuse committed by one of his coaches, and that university leaders definitely went willingly along with it: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-usa-crime-sanduskybre86b05d-20120711,0,5217577.story

Ask Rae sometime how much I like to do the “I told you so” dance. (The answer is "too much." Or possibly "will you just shut up.")

Despite all the practice I get, it’s never going to be pretty. In fact, sometimes it’s more likely to get me a wholly deserved punch in the nose.

But today I wish I’d been wrong.

And there will be no dancing.

I will, however, offer praise for the Penn State community and their Board of Trustees for doing the right thing now, for taking independent steps to find out the truth, for sharing it publicly, and then, hopefully, for their willingness to do what they can to make things, if not right, because they will never be right, then better.

PRES ROMNEY FIRES CONGRESS AND SUPREME COURT

Washington DC / January 21, 2013

Yesterday Mitt Romney was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. Today he issued pink slips to members of Congress and federal courts, including all their staff.

"The American people have spoken and they want smaller government," Romney said during this morning's press conference at the White House.


Romney explained that American democracy can't be everything to everyone, so it was time to focus on the core business of being America and divest its interest in democracy.

Explaining that democracy is messy and requires compromise, Romney said that was no way to run a business.

"We can create a leaner, meaner, more efficient government by eliminating the Legislative and Judicial branches," he said.

When asked who was going to take over those government functions, Romney said that they would be outsourced.

"Obviously, we will give preference to American corporations first, but all options are being considered," Romney said.

Analysts believe the "all options" statement refers to the New York Times report that a Singaporean firm has established a company called "Swift Justice," which will franchise caning stations across the United States. The news was leaked when it emerged that a co-location and promotion deal has been inked with Raising Cane's chicken finger restaurants.

Democratic congressmen protesting the move were arrested and strip searched. Senator Max Baucus (D-MT) was pulled aside when federal police discovered his pacemaker, declaring it a possible weapon of terror.

In a separate statement, the administration announced that it was giving the president a $15 million dollar bonus for making these cuts.

"We want to publicly recognize the difficult work that President Romney is doing," said White House Press Secretary Matt Rhoades.

"Romney isn't just the Commander-in-Chief, he's the Commander-in-Chief-Executive-Officer," Rhoads added.

PRES ROMNEY FIRES CONGRESS AND SUPREME COURT

Washington DC / January 21, 2013

Yesterday Mitt Romney was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. Today he issued pink slips to members of Congress and federal courts, including all their staff.

“The American people have spoken and they want smaller government,” Romney said during this morning’s press conference at the White House.

"This is definitely smaller," he added.

Romney explained that American democracy can't be everything to everyone, so it was time to focus on the core business of being America and divest its interest in democracy.

Explaining that democracy is messy and requires compromise, Romney said that was no way to run a business.

“We can create a leaner, meaner, more efficient government by eliminating the Legislative and Judicial branches,” he said.

When asked who was going to take over those government functions, Romney said that they would be outsourced.

“Obviously, we will give preference to American corporations first, but all options are being considered,” Romney said.

Analysts believe the “all options” statement refers to the New York Times report that a Singaporean firm has established a company called “Swift Justice,” which will franchise caning stations across the United States. The news was leaked when it emerged that a co-location and promotion deal has been inked with Raising Cane’s chicken finger restaurants.

Democratic congressmen protesting the move were arrested and strip searched. Senator Max Baucus (D-MT) was pulled aside when federal police discovered his pacemaker, declaring it a possible weapon of terror.

In a separate statement, the administration announced that it was giving the president a $15 million dollar bonus for making these cuts.

“We want to publicly recognize the difficult work that President Romney is doing,” said White House Press Secretary Matt Rhoades.

“Romney isn’t just the Commander-in-Chief, he’s the Commander-in-Chief-Executive-Officer,” Rhoads added.

Appropriate outrage over the Jerry Sandusky child sexual abuse scandal and the response of Penn State University has been expressed much more eloquently by Scalzi and others.

Despite this outrage, I still hear people standing up for Joe Paterno or defending the actions/inactions of the university. Because I like you -- no seriously, I like you a lot -- I applied my training as a historian and read all of the grand jury presentment against Jerry Sandusky, as well as scouring other sources, to create a timeline of events.

Between 1998-2008, there were four reported instances of child sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky. The first three were reported at Penn State and all three investigations were discouraged from going further. Only the fourth, reported by the school of one of the victims, led to legal action.


Background to incident #1:

1963-1965 - Jerry Sandusky played football at Penn State, where Joe Paterno was an assistant coach
1966 - Paterno becomes head coach at Penn State
- Sandusky is first graduate assistant hired by Paterno
1969 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's defensive line coach
1970 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's linebackers coach
1977 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's defensive coordinator and is identified as Paterno's successor
1977 - Sandusky founds The Second Mile, a group foster home for troubled boys that became a charity for children with absent or dysfunctional families

Incident #1:

1998 - Sandusky showers with an 11 year old boy from The Second Mile program in the Penn State locker room when no one else is present. The shower invokes Sandusky touching the boy. When the boy is delivered home, his hair is wet and he immediately tells his mother what had happened. This is the following sequence of events:

Mother informs University Police
University Police Detective Ronald Shreffler investigates and identifies a second boy who was subjected to nearly identical treatment by Sandusky
Shreffler and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston arrange to eavesdrop on two conversations in which Mother confronts Sandusky
Sandusky admits to Mother than he showered with other boys, admits that his private parts may have touched the boy, admits that what he did was wrong. He refuses to promise the mother that he will never do it again with other boys.
Shreffler and Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare investigator Jerry Lauro meet with Sandusky. Sandusky admits to showering naked and touching young boys, and says that he knows it is wrong. He promises he will never do it again.
The incident is reviewed by Penn State Legal Counsel, Wendell Courtney. Courtney is also the legal counsel for The Second Mile and represents their interests. He advises everyone that no action is necessary.
Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar refuses to bring criminal charges against Sandusky.
Director of Campus Police Thomas Harmon orders Shreffler to close the investigation.
Case closed.

Outcomes of incident #1:

1999 - Paterno informs Sandusky that he will never be the head coach at Penn State. Sandusky decides to take early retirement. As part of his retirement negotiations, he is given:

emeritus status, including an office and phone in the football practice facility, the Lasch Building that houses the football program.
access to all recreational facilities on campus
unlimited access to all football facilities, including the locker rooms and showers

Incident #2

2000 - Jim Calhoun, a janitor in the Lasch Building, observes Sandusky in the showers with a boy who he has pinned against the wall and is performing oral sex on him. This is the following sequence of events:

Calhoun seeks out fellow staff to report the incident and finds Ronald Petroksy
Petrosky witnesses Sandusky and the boy, aged 11-13, leaving the shower
Petrosky and Calhoun, both new employees, go to the other janitorial staff for advice on what to do: the other employees all tell Petrosky and Calhoun not to report anything or they'll all lose their jobs. Petrosky decides to do nothing.
Despite the advice, Calhoun goes to Jay Witherite, his immediate supervisor. Witherite follows Calhoun to the parking lot, where he confirms the identify of Sandusky as the man in the shower.
Witherite informs Calhoun that he (Witherite) will not make any report, but tells Calhoun that he can if he wants to.

Outcome of incident #2:

Calhoun decides not to make an additional report. He is only a temporary employee at the Lasch Building and is not offered an opportunity to continue to work there afterward.

Background for incident #3:

1994-1997 - Mike McQueary plays football at Penn State where Sandusky is the Defensive Coodinator
2000 - McQueary is hired as graduate assistant at Penn State
Incident #3:

2002 - McQueary goes to the Lasch Building at 9:30pm on a Friday night to pick up some recruiting tapes and witnesses Sandusky anally raping a 10 year old boy in the locker room showers. This is the following sequence of events:

McQueary panics and calls his father, a physician practicing in State College, for advice; his father advises him to do nothing at that moment, but to leave the building and come to his parents' home, which McQueary does. They discuss the incident and what to do.
McQueary reports the incident to Paterno the next morning and describes witnessing anal rape.
Paterno contacts Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley and reports that a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky in the showers "fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a young boy."
A week and a half later, Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz interview McQueary. McQueary describes witnessing anal rape.
Curley and Schultz meet with Joe Paterno. They agree that nothing sexually explicit was described, that the allegation is not that serious, and that no crime had occurred.
Schultz reports the incident to Penn State President Graham Spanier. They agree to ban Sandusky from bringing children into the football locker room and to report the incident to The Second Mile.

Outcomes of incident #3:

Schultz admits to the grand jury that the ban on Sandusky bringing children into the facilities "was unenforceable." No restrictions were put on Sandusky's access to facilities, even though Curley informed McQueary that this was the case. No one reports the incident to University Police or any other police or child welfare agency despite a state law requiring them to do so.

Additional notes for context:

Paterno is the longest-serving employee at Penn State (61 years, including more than 40 years as head coach): Sandusky (41 years, including his access to the university as emeritus), Spanier (16 years as President), Curley (18 years as Athletic Director), Schultz (17 years as Senior VP). Paterno is the highest paid employee at Penn State, making significantly more money than Spanier or the other senior administrators. Paterno is responsible for raising millions of dollars from donors for university projects, more than any other single individual and is considered "the face of Penn State." He is clearly recognized as the most powerful employee in the university.

In 2006, Paterno makes jokes about sexual assault during a press conference, implying that women look for it, in answering a question about a player on an opposing team who was accused of rape.

Incident #4:

2008 - Another young boy from The Second Mile program is frequently removed from his school classes by Sandusky, with the approval of the school's football coach, for "mentoring." The boy becomes reluctant to go with Sandusky and describes sexual abuse by Sandusky to the school administrator, who reports it immediately to the boy's mother, the police, and child welfare authorities. This begins a 3-year investigation of Sandusky, in which victims, witnesses, Penn State officials, and Second Mile representatives are called to tesitfy.

Outcomes of incident #4:

2010 - Sandusky retires from The Second Mile. Legal counsel for The Second Mile is still Courtney, former legal counsel for the university.

2011 - Sandusky is indicted on 40 counts of molesting 8 young boys over a 15 year period. Curley and Schultz are indicted for committing perjury to protect Sandusky during the grand jury investigation. Paterno claims not to have known anything and Spanier commits the university to the position that the charges are groundless; both are relieved of their positions by the university board of trustees. McQueary is a key witness in the grand jury case against Sandusky; he continues to remain employed by Penn State but will not be on sidelines during games.

You're entitled to your informed opinion. Now you have the information.

Appropriate outrage over the Jerry Sandusky child sexual abuse scandal and the response of Penn State University has been expressed much more eloquently by Scalzi and others.

Despite this outrage, I still hear people standing up for Joe Paterno or defending the actions/inactions of the university. Because I like you -- no seriously, I like you a lot -- I applied my training as a historian and read all of the grand jury presentment against Jerry Sandusky, as well as scouring other sources, to create a timeline of events.

Between 1998-2008, there were four reported instances of child sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky. The first three were reported at Penn State and all three investigations were discouraged from going further. Only the fourth, reported by the school of one of the victims, led to legal action.



Background to incident #1:

1963-1965 - Jerry Sandusky played football at Penn State, where Joe Paterno was an assistant coach
1966 - Paterno becomes head coach at Penn State
- Sandusky is first graduate assistant hired by Paterno
1969 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's defensive line coach
1970 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's linebackers coach
1977 - Sandusky becomes Paterno's defensive coordinator and is identified as Paterno's successor
1977 - Sandusky founds The Second Mile, a group foster home for troubled boys that became a charity for children with absent or dysfunctional families

Incident #1:

1998 - Sandusky showers with an 11 year old boy from The Second Mile program in the Penn State locker room when no one else is present. The shower invokes Sandusky touching the boy. When the boy is delivered home, his hair is wet and he immediately tells his mother what had happened. This is the following sequence of events:

Mother informs University Police
University Police Detective Ronald Shreffler investigates and identifies a second boy who was subjected to nearly identical treatment by Sandusky
Shreffler and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston arrange to eavesdrop on two conversations in which Mother confronts Sandusky
Sandusky admits to Mother than he showered with other boys, admits that his private parts may have touched the boy, admits that what he did was wrong. He refuses to promise the mother that he will never do it again with other boys.
Shreffler and Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare investigator Jerry Lauro meet with Sandusky. Sandusky admits to showering naked and touching young boys, and says that he knows it is wrong. He promises he will never do it again.
The incident is reviewed by Penn State Legal Counsel, Wendell Courtney. Courtney is also the legal counsel for The Second Mile and represents their interests. He advises everyone that no action is necessary.
Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar refuses to bring criminal charges against Sandusky.
Director of Campus Police Thomas Harmon orders Shreffler to close the investigation.
Case closed.

Outcomes of incident #1:

1999 - Paterno informs Sandusky that he will never be the head coach at Penn State. Sandusky decides to take early retirement. As part of his retirement negotiations, he is given:

emeritus status, including an office and phone in the football practice facility, the Lasch Building that houses the football program.
access to all recreational facilities on campus
unlimited access to all football facilities, including the locker rooms and showers

Incident #2

2000 - Jim Calhoun, a janitor in the Lasch Building, observes Sandusky in the showers with a boy who he has pinned against the wall and is performing oral sex on him. This is the following sequence of events:

Calhoun seeks out fellow staff to report the incident and finds Ronald Petroksy
Petrosky witnesses Sandusky and the boy, aged 11-13, leaving the shower
Petrosky and Calhoun, both new employees, go to the other janitorial staff for advice on what to do: the other employees all tell Petrosky and Calhoun not to report anything or they'll all lose their jobs. Petrosky decides to do nothing.
Despite the advice, Calhoun goes to Jay Witherite, his immediate supervisor. Witherite follows Calhoun to the parking lot, where he confirms the identify of Sandusky as the man in the shower.
Witherite informs Calhoun that he (Witherite) will not make any report, but tells Calhoun that he can if he wants to.

Outcome of incident #2:

Calhoun decides not to make an additional report. He is only a temporary employee at the Lasch Building and is not offered an opportunity to continue to work there afterward.

Background for incident #3:

1994-1997 - Mike McQueary plays football at Penn State where Sandusky is the Defensive Coodinator
2000 - McQueary is hired as graduate assistant at Penn State
Incident #3:

2002 - McQueary goes to the Lasch Building at 9:30pm on a Friday night to pick up some recruiting tapes and witnesses Sandusky anally raping a 10 year old boy in the locker room showers. This is the following sequence of events:

McQueary panics and calls his father, a physician practicing in State College, for advice; his father advises him to do nothing at that moment, but to leave the building and come to his parents' home, which McQueary does. They discuss the incident and what to do.
McQueary reports the incident to Paterno the next morning and describes witnessing anal rape.
Paterno contacts Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley and reports that a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky in the showers "fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a young boy."
A week and a half later, Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz interview McQueary. McQueary describes witnessing anal rape.
Curley and Schultz meet with Joe Paterno. They agree that nothing sexually explicit was described, that the allegation is not that serious, and that no crime had occurred.
Schultz reports the incident to Penn State President Graham Spanier. They agree to ban Sandusky from bringing children into the football locker room and to report the incident to The Second Mile.

Outcomes of incident #3:

Schultz admits to the grand jury that the ban on Sandusky bringing children into the facilities "was unenforceable." No restrictions were put on Sandusky's access to facilities, even though Curley informed McQueary that this was the case. No one reports the incident to University Police or any other police or child welfare agency despite a state law requiring them to do so.

Additional notes for context:

Paterno is the longest-serving employee at Penn State (61 years, including more than 40 years as head coach): Sandusky (41 years, including his access to the university as emeritus), Spanier (16 years as President), Curley (18 years as Athletic Director), Schultz (17 years as Senior VP). Paterno is the highest paid employee at Penn State, making significantly more money than Spanier or the other senior administrators. Paterno is responsible for raising millions of dollars from donors for university projects, more than any other single individual and is considered "the face of Penn State." He is clearly recognized as the most powerful employee in the university.

In 2006, Paterno makes jokes about sexual assault during a press conference, implying that women look for it, in answering a question about a player on an opposing team who was accused of rape.

Incident #4:

2008 - Another young boy from The Second Mile program is frequently removed from his school classes by Sandusky, with the approval of the school's football coach, for "mentoring." The boy becomes reluctant to go with Sandusky and describes sexual abuse by Sandusky to the school administrator, who reports it immediately to the boy's mother, the police, and child welfare authorities. This begins a 3-year investigation of Sandusky, in which victims, witnesses, Penn State officials, and Second Mile representatives are called to tesitfy.

Outcomes of incident #4:

2010 - Sandusky retires from The Second Mile. Legal counsel for The Second Mile is still Courtney, former legal counsel for the university.

2011 - Sandusky is indicted on 40 counts of molesting 8 young boys over a 15 year period. Curley and Schultz are indicted for committing perjury to protect Sandusky during the grand jury investigation. Paterno claims not to have known anything and Spanier commits the university to the position that the charges are groundless; both are relieved of their positions by the university board of trustees. McQueary is a key witness in the grand jury case against Sandusky; he continues to remain employed by Penn State but will not be on sidelines during games.

You're entitled to your informed opinion. Now you have the information.

Update: There is an interesting discussion about what are and aren't facts in this account over on the facebook post that links here - http://www.facebook.com/ccfinlay/posts/238636056196402

These are some of the complaints I hear about science fiction. "There isn't enough adventure/space opera SF." "There aren't enough minorities in SF." "Hard SF isn't accessible enough."

"I just want smart books that are fun to read."

To all of these I answer, "Then why aren't you reading Tobias Buckell?"

In 2006, Tobias Buckell published CRYSTAL RAIN, a novel that combined aliens, outer space colonies, and Buckell's own multi-cultural Carribean heritage. It was followed by two more books in what came to be called the Xenowealth series, RAGAMUFFIN and SLY MONGOOSE. RAGAMUFFIN was even a finalist for the Nebula Award for best novel.

SLY MONGOOSE opens with Pepper, a reoccuring character in the series, doing an orbital re-entry to a planet with nothing more than a spacesuit and a heatsheild.

"Pepper lay strapped to a blunt, cone-shaped heatshield with a hundred miles of Chilo's atmosphere to fall through yet. The edges of the 2,000 degree fireball created with the shockwave of his reentry licked and danced at the edges of his vision. A small taste of hell, he thought, as the contraption under his back wobbled and threatened to overturn...."

If you love SF, how can you not LOVE that?

From the start, Buckell planned this as a 5-book series, with the 5th book bringing all the threads together in Pepper's story. But with all the changes happening in publishing, Buckell's publisher decided not to bring out the last 2 books in the series. Yeah, that's right: they published the beginning and the middle but they aren't going to publish the end.

So Buckell is going straight to readers with Kickstarter to raise the money he needs to write the next book. Kickstarter is a no-risk venture for readers. You pledge your money in advance; if Buckell reaches his goal, your account is charged, and six months from now (depending on how much you gave) you get a copy of the book. If he doesn't get enough pledges, then the project isn't funded, and you get all your money back.

But you also get no book. And my guess is, that if you love SF, you want this book to exist in the world.

There are only 2 days left before the project is cancelled, and the book still needs to raise a little more than $2000. Like I said, there's no risk to you. Pledge your money. Either you'll help bring a great book into the world or you'll get your money back.

Click here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1548859355/the-apocalypse-ocean. Look it over. If you like the story you see, give some love to the project.

These are some of the complaints I hear about science fiction. "There isn't enough adventure/space opera SF." "There aren't enough minorities in SF." "Hard SF isn't accessible enough."

"I just want smart books that are fun to read."

To all of these I answer, "Then why aren't you reading Tobias Buckell?"

In 2006, Tobias Buckell published CRYSTAL RAIN, a novel that combined aliens, outer space colonies, and Buckell's own multi-cultural Carribean heritage. It was followed by two more books in what came to be called the Xenowealth series, RAGAMUFFIN and SLY MONGOOSE. RAGAMUFFIN was even a finalist for the Nebula Award for best novel.

SLY MONGOOSE opens with Pepper, a reoccuring character in the series, doing an orbital re-entry to a planet with nothing more than a spacesuit and a heatsheild.

"Pepper lay strapped to a blunt, cone-shaped heatshield with a hundred miles of Chilo’s atmosphere to fall through yet. The edges of the 2,000 degree fireball created with the shockwave of his reentry licked and danced at the edges of his vision. A small taste of hell, he thought, as the contraption under his back wobbled and threatened to overturn...."

If you love SF, how can you not LOVE that?

From the start, Buckell planned this as a 5-book series, with the 5th book bringing all the threads together in Pepper's story. But with all the changes happening in publishing, Buckell's publisher decided not to bring out the last 2 books in the series. Yeah, that's right: they published the beginning and the middle but they aren't going to publish the end.

So Buckell is going straight to readers with Kickstarter to raise the money he needs to write the next book. Kickstarter is a no-risk venture for readers. You pledge your money in advance; if Buckell reaches his goal, your account is charged, and six months from now (depending on how much you gave) you get a copy of the book. If he doesn't get enough pledges, then the project isn't funded, and you get all your money back.

But you also get no book. And my guess is, that if you love SF, you want this book to exist in the world.

There are only 2 days left before the project is cancelled, and the book still needs to raise a little more than $2000. Like I said, there's no risk to you. Pledge your money. Either you'll help bring a great book into the world or you'll get your money back.

Click here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1548859355/the-apocalypse-ocean. Look it over. If you like the story you see, give some love to the project.

Folks, check out this all-star book-signing:

Saturday, April 16, 7:30pm until...
Barnes & Noble, Lennox Town Center, Columbus, Ohio
1739 Olentangy River Road – 614-298-9516

• Paolo Bacigalupi – Winner of the Prinz, Hugo, and Nebula awards and National Book Award finalist
• Sandra McDonald – Tiptree Honor winner
• Paul Melko – winner of the Compton Crook and Locus Best First Novel awards
• Sarah Prineas – world-famous author, published in 20 languages
• Greg van Eekhout – Locus Award finalist and Indie Next pick

...plus some fellow by the name of C.C. Finlay. This is a group signing by the Blue Heaven authors, so it will be the only Ohio signing of the year for Bacigalupi, Prineas, McDonald, and van Eekhout, who are coming from all across the country to be here. We'll be talking about writing, workshopping, and our books for as long as people have questions. Hope to see some of you there.

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Folks, check out this all-star book-signing:

Saturday, April 16, 7:30pm until...
Barnes & Noble, Lennox Town Center, Columbus, Ohio
1739 Olentangy River Road – 614-298-9516

• Paolo Bacigalupi – Winner of the Prinz, Hugo, and Nebula awards and National Book Award finalist
• Sandra McDonald – Tiptree Honor winner
• Paul Melko – winner of the Compton Crook and Locus Best First Novel awards
• Sarah Prineas – world-famous author, published in 20 languages
• Greg van Eekhout – Locus Award finalist and Indie Next pick

...plus some fellow by the name of C.C. Finlay. This is a group signing by the Blue Heaven authors, so it will be the only Ohio signing of the year for Bacigalupi, Prineas, McDonald, and van Eekhout, who are coming from all across the country to be here. We'll be talking about writing, workshopping, and our books for as long as people have questions. Hope to see some of you there.

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Bear with me for the set-up here. Note: I'm not promising there's any pay-off if you bear with me. I'm just asking you to bear.

So I work as an executive assistant for a leader at a large university and part of my daily job is managing his calendar. My boss and one of the vice presidents cooperate on a bunch of major university projects and initiatives so they have a weekly meeting, but when conflicts come up his admin assistant and I will reschedule that meeting. Lately, because things are kind of crazy for both of them, we've rescheduled about six weeks in a row. And today it was my turn to ask for a change.

The very end of our conversation went something like this…

Me: Thanks so much!

Her: Thank you for accepting all of my change requests. It seems like we always manage to make it work somehow!

Me: Fist bump! "Wonder Admin powers, ACTIVATE!"

Her: ...

Me: You're not old enough to remember the Wonder Twins, are you?

Her: Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Me: *awkward cough*

Her: But... I'm sure it's amazing!

Me: Yeah.

Basically I haven't felt this old and out of touch since... well, that would be a couple weeks ago when I was trying to explain my McArthur Park joke to Rae.

Yeah, that one was amazing too. And have I ever told you about how awesome vaudeville was?! ZOMG!!

*awkward cough*

Yeah.

Now get off my lawn.