Afton Rorvik's Blog

In 1879, the streets of Leadville flooded with people who wanted to “strike it rich.” They came by boat, train, and horseback from all over the world.

Join me here at My Colorado Connection to read and see the rest of this story and to learn about many other uniquely Colorado stories.

The post My Colorado Connection appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

Five months ago, we sold our house and left the community where we had lived for decades. Then we traveled 1,000 miles, loaded our possessions into a storage locker, and settled into a furnished, two-bedroom apartment in a small, semi-rural town in Colorado.

We began to understand a new rhythm of life that involved fields of hay and corn, tractors, cows, sheep, and glorious mountains beckoning us to hike.

And we began to meet new people. Lots of them. People in our apartment complex. People at church. People I had known when I lived in this state as a child and a teenager. We also began to get together with family members who now live an hour or less from us instead of  a two-day car ride. 

All of this stretches my introverted self. My extroverted husband, on the other hand, finds great joy. He gains energy from time with other people and loves the buzz of multiple conversations. I wear out after several back-to-back conversations.

And, yet, I love people. Truly.

I do not concur with the sentiment, “I’m an introvert. Go away!” Rather, I welcome the new (and renewed) connections here in Colorado, knowing how much I will learn from others. And I know without a doubt that I live better when I live connected to people.

I also know that I honor God when I live connected to people by acting as His hands and feet.

So . . . I seek to live connected here in this new place. But I also seek to own my introverted personality. Challenging!

These five tips have helped me in the relocation process. Perhaps they will also help you or help you understand an introverted loved one who is relocating (including students going off to college.)

1. Schedule quiet time for myself before and after social gatherings.

Part of owning my introverted personality has included acknowledging that I refuel with quiet. Before and after a people-intensive event, I need to gulp quiet. I come alive again after these gulps. On the days when I try to press on and ignore my need for quiet, I often get exhausted and crabby. Life just begins to feel “too much.” And then no one enjoys my company.

My quiet time of refueling before an event always involves prayer: “Lord, help me navigate this event. Help me to have the courage to connect. Give me your eyes to see and your ears to hear.” After an event, I pray my way back through the conversations and ask God to teach me through them and remind me of His good gifts within those relationships.

2. Pay attention to my emotional tank.

As I wrote in my book Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Friendship, I imagine my emotional tank with a warning system that looks like the gas tank indicator in a car. In the middle of an intense people-event, I try to make myself pause and examine my emotional tank gauge. Full? Half-full? Nearing empty? Orange indicator light? When I sense the tank draining, I try to slip away and take a few quiet moments to refuel. When I sense the orange indicator light flashing, I know that I must exit the event and take a significant refueling break. If I don’t heed my emotional tank warning system, I will crash and burn and negatively affect the people around me.

3. Cut back on non-essential, emotionally-draining tasks, such as social media, in order to preserve emotional  energy for face-to-face encounters.

During the months we have lived here in Colorado, I have eliminated several social media accounts and gone for weeks on end without using other accounts. I began to notice early in our time here that when I went on social media, I became easily overwhelmed. After just minutes, I began to feel my orange indicator light starting to blink. At first that puzzled me because these encounters did not occur in person. Finally, I began to understand that even social media requires emotional energy. And as an introvert, I have a limited supply of such energy.

For now, I need to spend emotional energy on the people I see face-to-face. Once we have settled, I know I will have more emotional energy and can add back in more time on social media.

4. Talk openly about my introversion.

Every time I mention my introversion in a group setting, I catch other people nodding their heads. I have discovered that by happily discussing the topic, I offer other introverts in the room the gift of normalizing introversion. By the way, research indicates that we introverts make up at least 1/3 to 1/2 of the population. That means we appear at every family gathering, corporate meeting, church Bible study, neighborhood barbecue . . .

By talking openly about my own introversion, I also seek to acknowledge and celebrate the other introverts in the room who found the courage to attend this people-event. I know the effort involved.

5. Believe in my introversion as a gift from God that helps me live connected.

Rather than yell at God for not wiring me as an extrovert who thrives in new situations, especially those that involve people, I have learned to thank God for giving me the gift of introversion. This personality gift helps me empathize and listen—both wonderful relationship-building tools. My introversion even helps me carry on meaningful conversations in a small group or one-on-one.

As I write this, I pray for you, Dear Reader, and the introverts you love. May we all continue to learn to embrace and celebrate God’s good gift of introversion—even in the midst of relocation. P.S. Thanks for your understanding as I step away from this blog for the immediate future in order to focus on getting settled in our new house. I know moving (again) will stretch me emotionally so I have decided to gift myself big gulps of quiet during this process and savor the empty space that will come from not blogging. 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The post When an Introvert Relocates . . . appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

I have long admired Catherine McNiel’s eloquent, prophetic voice. Her words make me think and seek to live differently.  

She writes these challenging words in the opening pages (12-13) of her new book, Fearing Bravely: Risking Love for Our Neighbors, Strangers, and Enemies:

Whatever contrasting evidence we might produce, we Christians are not primarily associated with loving others but with being afraid of others.

The most afraid, most easily swayed by conspiracy theories, most quickly driven to hatred.

This is a major blow. The Christian community exists to declare and demonstrate God’s love, even in difficult, dangerous circumstances. But instead, it seems many of us have been nurtured through fear into hatred, and from hatred to neglect.

I want you to meet Catherine and hear some of her wise words. Welcome to our conversation!

Q: Tell us a bit about you as a person and a writer. How do you spend your days? What writers have shaped you? How does your faith in God infuse your writing?

I am a writer in the Chicagoland area with three kids and an enormous garden. I have three kids in three different schools. I get them off every morning, make a cup of coffee, and get to work. I work on a lot of things in addition to writing books. I do a lot of editing and lots of reading because I’m in seminary. And then after a few short hours, I collect my three kids from three different schools and the pace shifts. 

I love any writer who can do a good job of representing both the joys and sufferings of life as one thing. C.S. Lewis in Till We Have Faces; David James Duncan in Brothers K, Water Bruggeman . . .

In every possible way I want always to try to make sense of faith and God in real life, not just in theory or in idea. I want to ask, “What does faith and God have to do with me right now—this conversation, this season of life or this year, where we live, how we are in the world?”

Q: What prompted you to write Fearing Bravely?

I wanted to explore fear and love from a spiritual formation perspective. The Bible repeatedly invites us to be formed by love and tells us that if we are formed by love, we won’t be formed by fear. But when I look around, I see us being more formed by our fears, even in a way that keeps us from love. What I actually see is that our fears have cast out our love. I wanted to wrestle with that in this book. I wanted to wrestle with what Jesus says and what we say to ourselves. 

Q: How did you come up with that title?

As I dug into what Jesus had to say about love and fear, I discovered that Jesus is consistently saying the most important thing is loving our neighbors and friends and enemies. He puts it right up there with loving God.

I wanted to explore how to we love neighbors, strangers, and enemies as a primary task.

I wanted to be honest about the fact that Jesus was teaching in the Roman empire. When he was a toddler in Judea, 2,000 men were crucified. Empires rule by terror.

Jesus wasn’t saying that our fears are lying to us. He was saying the world is so full of danger, yet we can’t be so full of fear. We have to take our eyes off fear and focus on love.

Q: What has informed your unique perspective on this topic?

The story of the Good Samaritan. It is very informative and scandalous. As recorded in Luke 10:25-37, Jesus is asked the question: “How do I gain eternal life?”

He responds by telling a  story of a man on dangerous road. Thankfully,  two very good, holy, God-fearing men walk by. They assess the situation, however, and decide it would be ungodly for them to stop. But a Samaritan—someone considered a heretic, an enemy—stops. He sees and helps the man in need, even though it is costly and inconvenient.

Jesus says, “This is the guy who gains eternal life.”

Imagine Jesus telling this incredibly theologically challenging story to the religious people of His day.

We also have rules—like the two religious people in the Good Samaritan story—about how to remain good Christians, such as staying away from heretics, immigrants, people from other political parties . . . Instead of being taught how to care for them, we are taught how to stay away.

Jesus says, “No! I want you to engage with these people. They are the people who are part of my kingdom.”

Q: Why four sections? Do they build on each other?

They do. I had a story arc in mind.

The first section talks about love and fear in the Bible and in our lives. Then I start unraveling Jesus’ story.

The second section talks about loving our neighbors.

The third sections talks about loving our neighbors.

The last section talks about loving our enemies.

Throughout the book I wrestle with the question: What would it look like in our real lives if we followed Jesus? Not just as wearing a name tag “Christian,” but as an active decision, a way to live?

Q: Tell us about the material at the end of the section: Reflect and Discuss; Practice; Look and Listen. How do you hope readers with interact with these sections of your book?

First, I put that material in the book because I imagine most people will read the book on their own, but I would love this book to become a conversation. I would love to see people read it together and dialog about it. I wanted to make that as easy as possible.

I also added suggestions of songs and art work. With my suggestions I wanted to give readers ways to use every possible muscle to engage with these words of Jesus.

Q: What was the hardest chapter to write? Why?

The first and last chapters were the hardest to write.

I always have a hard time setting the stage. I rewrite the first chapter at least seven times before I get the right tone. By the last chapter, the words just poured out of me.

The last chapter was the most difficult material to write. I wanted to be faithful and clear that God is calling us to a love that overcomes evil, pulling the whole system inside-out. In 100 ways fear has discipled us to be afraid of others. Instead of overcoming evil, we have perpetuated it through our fear or neglect.

Q: What do you hope Fearing Bravely will do within the hearts and minds of readers?

I would love for us to retune ourselves to Jesus’ voice that is always exhorting us to love—to  put aside our fear and actively love

I want to change the conversation. I want to change the way Christians talk about each other. Instead of weighing in and saying, “This person is  in and that person is out,” we can say instead, “How can we give to this person? What can we do? How can we love?”

Jesus said living this way would change the world.

You can connect with Catherine on social media. Website Facebook Twitter Instagram You can find Catherine’s book, Fearing Bravely: Risking Love for Our Neighbors, Strangers, and Enemies on Amazon.You can also find it at this independent bookstore: Hearts and Minds. If you want to hear Catherine talk more about her book, take a listen to this episode of the Mudroom Podcast. 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The post A Conversation with Catherine McNiel about Her New Book appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

NOTE: This post first appeared on May 21, 2020 as part of Michelle Van Loon’s Blog, Transforming Words. I am reposting it here with Michelle’s permission in honor of the upcoming publication of her book: Translating Your Past: Finding Meaning in Family Ancestry, Genetic Clues, and Generational Trauma.

When author Dani Shapiro took a DNA test at age 54, she discovered that the man who’d raised her wasn’t her father. Her 2019 book Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love, details her search for answers surrounding her conception and her painful and miraculous journey toward gaining a truer expression of her identity. I have long been fascinated by the stories our genes tell us, even when we don’t have a code-breaker translating their messages from the past to us.

Shapiro reflected on the clues embedded in her own writing: 

I had reread some of my early books in recent weeks and was taken aback, again and again, at the choice I’d made, the language I’d used – particularly in my fiction – that pointed to some sort of consciousness lurking just beyond my ability to perceive it. The truth had been inside me all along. 

In my first, highly autobiographical novel, the narrator is aware that she is out of place in her father’s Orthodox Jewish family and longs to be a part of  them. But she is haunted by the fact that no one ever recognizes her as part of the family by her face. In a much later novel, a secret wears away at a family until it is very nearly destroyed, parents with the best of intentions make selfish decisions affecting the fate of their child. What had I known without knowing? 

I grew up knowing the outline of my mother’s story: Her mother, my maternal grandmother Molly Klopman, died shortly after giving birth to her in 1938 in New York City. Her father, George, wasn’t able to care for a newborn. An infertile cousin and her husband in Chicago agreed to adopt the baby with the proviso that the adoption remain a secret. Everyone in the family agreed it would be for the best. But shortly before my mother was to marry, George called and spilled the truth in 1957. He wanted to come to the wedding to see Molly’s baby walk down the aisle. 

That explosion blew up my mom’s life, though no one really understood precisely how deep the damage was at the time. Instead, the shrapnel was reconfigured in time for happy family pictures with the parents who’d raised her. I’ve been told George came to the wedding and sat in the back of the room. He’s not in any of the pictures in the wedding album.

Though we didn’t talk about it much, that secret shaped my family’s experience in ways I’m still discovering. But it wasn’t until I read Shapiro’s words about her own early writing that I realized that Molly had been talking to me even when I didn’t know how to translate what she’d been saying. 

When I first started writing as an adult during the 1980’s and 1990’s, I focused almost entirely on playwriting. When the opportunity was presented to me to try my hand writing some radio scripts, then to put together a play that senior citizens could perform, I gave myself an immersion course in scriptwriting by cleaning out the shelves on the topic at my local library, reading plays, and eavesdropping on conversations to study the rhythms of speech. And then wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, things that I wrote made it to the radio and to the stage. 

No one in my immediate family had the slightest inclination toward theater. I’d never been in a school play. Though I’d always loved to write, there was no logical reason that I should have been drawn to playwriting. It wasn’t until I read Shapiro’s words that I understood what the scripts I was writing were telling me. 

After my mom died in 2007, a cousin sent me some pictures of Molly and George Klopman. Only then I learned that Molly Klopman was active in Yiddish theater in Poland before she came to the U.S. in  1920. She is third from the left in the cast picture above, acting in the play Mirele Efros.

What had I known without knowing?

Some may mark this merely as a coincidence. But I suspect that just as eye color or lactose intolerance gets transmitted through DNA, so do other things that can’t be measured or quantified. Like how to tell a story in 3-D. 

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

Psalm 16:6

We bear pain in our lives, the result of generational trauma. We transmit some kinds of disease via errant genes. But there are also gifts of our heritage, clues buried below the surface of our conscious experience, like a love letter in a time capsule. 

In Translating Your Past, author Michelle Van Loon helps readers uncover how patterns and gaps in family histories, generational trauma, adoption, genetic clues and surprises, spiritual history, and the church help us translate our own pasts and understand why these stories matter. Each chapter includes questions designed for individual reflection or small group discussion, as well as an appendix of helpful tools readers can use to translate their own pasts and create meaning in order to transform their unique family history into living, faith-filled heritage.

Cover photo by Jason Wong on Unsplash

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The post Translating Your Past appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

Want to dig in and learn about friendship this year, especially friendship introvert-style? Consider gathering a few friends in person or online and using these questions to jumpstart your discussion. (Try a mix of introverts and extroverts.)

Click on page 2 (below the contact form) to find questions for a one-week discussion. Click on page 3 (below the contact form) to find questions for a six-week discussion.

Let me know if you would like me to pop in via Zoom to say a brief hello.

Thanks for reading and thinking and striving to live connected!

Before you begin: Do you know where you fall on the introvert/extrovert continuum?

This graphic will give you a sense of the differences between introverts and extroverts.

Also consider taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment online before you launch into this study (fee of $50).

Or take this free quiz developed by Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

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The post Living Connected Book Club Questions appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

. . . an excerpt

For most of my life, I have viewed my “quiet soul” as a liability.

And then I discovered Susan Cain’s profoundly thoughtful book Quiet, I began to think differently about my introversion. In fact, I began to see my introversion as a gift, particularly in the area of building friendships. What a surprise!

And then I went on to read Adam McHugh’s book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture. I underlined liberally and nodded my head often. I particularly like his definition of introverts: “If your preference is toward your inner world, and even when you are out socializing you are thinking of a quiet place, you win the label ‘introvert.’”[1]

For too long I shoved aside my natural, introverted ways and tried to imitate my extroverted friends. Now, rather than trying to ignore my introversion, I recognize it, embrace it, and make changes in my life that accommodate and even enrich it. I feel better!

I don’t write this book as an expert with all the answers; rather, I write this book as a fellow traveler, learning as I go about living connected as an introvert.

When I type the word introvert into a search engine on my computer, I see funny cartoons about people having a wonderful night in or people having a strong aversion to talking on the phone. I laugh and nod my head. But then I also see T-shirts and Pinterest quotations that display some version of “I’m an introvert. Go away!” Those images make me wince. On one hand, I agree. Living next to people presents challenges and inevitable conflicts. On the other hand, I believe my faith in God calls me to live connected.

I see the power of connection in the Book of Nehemiah as the people of Jerusalem worked together to restore their city. I see it in the story of the paralyzed man whose friends brought him to the feet of Jesus for healing as recorded in Mark 2. I see it in 1 Corinthians 12 as Paul described the many parts of the human body to illustrate the connectedness of believers in God.

I can’t ignore God’s powerful call to living connected. I also can’t ignore my internal wiring as an introvert.

So how do I live connected while also living well as an introvert?

I wrestle with this question. Daily.

Of course, I set out to answer this question introvert-style, which included reading a lot of books. I returned to one of the first books I read on friendship: The Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis, published in 1979 and still in print today. I also read books and blogs by current writers.

And I had a lot of one-on-one conversations with people, including my husband and favorite extrovert. He knows that quiet fuels me. I know that people-activity fuels him. We give each other space, time, and respect to grow and live. And we’ve worked to find common ground. (And yes, we had some adjusting to do when his job moved home during our shelter-in-place order. But that’s another story.) We both greatly value our friendship with each other and our friendships with others. We speak often of friendships and how to nurture them. Much of what appears in this book first began as a discussion with John.

As a result of those discussions in combination with reading, thinking, and praying about my own quiet soul, I’ve landed on some words that I want to incorporate into my own friendships, words that help me follow God’s call to connect: honesty, generosity, approachability, curiosity, empathy, loyalty, confidentiality, consistency, flexibility, creativity, hospitality, and humility.

Some of these words represent great challenge for me. And I bungle in friendship all the time. (Just ask my friends!) But I do hold these words in my head and heart and want them to shape the way I connect, even as an introvert.

As my college English professor used to say, “Come with me on this journey!”

[1] Adam S. McHugh, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2017), loc. 487 of 3337, Kindle.

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The post Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Friendship appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

To celebrate Launch Day of Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Friendship I read a few excerpts from the book.

The post YouTube Channel appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

and Learns to Ask Three Questions

After 34 years of marriage, I don’t know everything about how to build and nurture a strong, lifelong marriage. I don’t know everything about my husband. And I don’t even know everything about myself.

Perhaps that sounds like a recipe for failure.

Maybe.

Or maybe all that “not knowing” gives me freedom to keep learning, to keep asking questions. And maybe that can breathe life into my marriage, even after all these decades.

I have spent the last several years reading and thinking a lot about introversion. I read Susan Cain’s bestselling book, Quiet and Adam McHugh’s thoughtful volume, Introverts in the Church. I’ve also enjoyed The Powerful Purpose of Introverts by Holley Gerth. And I enjoy reading the ruminations of introverts on the IntrovertDear blog.

All of that reading and thinking spills into the conversations I have with my husband on our daily walks. It has helped us learn about each other. And ask each other some honest questions.

1. Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

Of course, we cannot overlook nuance and simply box people into just a single personality type. But we can learn some valuable information about each other by understanding where we fit in a one broad personality category.

You would think that after 34 years, my husband and I had a firm grip on our personality differences and their impact on our marriage. We did not. In fact, we have only started using the terms introvert and extrovert out loud to each other in the past few years.

I always knew my husband came alive in a room of people. I saw it over and over at family parties, around our dining room table, at a block party . . . But I didn’t know why. Turns out, like most extroverts, John draws energy from engaging with people. Susan Cain says it so well in her book Quiet: “Extroverts enjoy the extra bang that comes from activities like meeting new people, skiing slipper slopes, and cranking up the stereo” (page 11). Yep, that describes John (except for the love of slippery slopes). He is an extrovert.

While I admire John’s people-oriented personality, I have finally come to realize that I have a different personality. Susan Cain describes me well when she writes in Quiet: “Introverts . . . prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation” (page 11). Cain and countless other authors also write about introverts need large doses of quiet—it acts like fuel for them. Yep, that’s me. I am an introvert.

Once John and I unearthed our differences by naming them out loud, we grew in our appreciation for each other: “You do that well.” We also grew in our understanding of what challenged us: “This will probably feel hard for you.” And that deeper understanding strengthened our marriage.

Try This. Have you considered reading a book about introversion with your spouse and then discussing it? I highly recommend the ones mentioned above. Or have you both considered taking the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator Test online and then comparing your results?

2. What do you need from today?

I blogged about this question a few months ago. You can read it here. I can’t tell you how many times in any given week John and I use this question with each other.

The question developed from our understanding of our personality differences. As an extrovert facing a blank Saturday morning, John might need to plan people interaction. As an introvert facing a blank Saturday morning, I might long for a long nap in the quiet of our basement.

By understanding our personalities in the basic extrovert/introvert way, John knows I’ll function better when I emerge from the basement. That quiet will have fueled me. And I know that he will return from his people time with a grin on his face and a happy heart. In short, we return to each other better.

If I try to shove aside my own needs and focus solely on John’s needs, I eventually get crabby. I start to putter and spit like a car running out of gas. If John tries to ignore his need for people, he eventually get restless.

Of course, sometimes we do need to give up our need for the sake of the other’s more pressing need, but we try to do it in a way that acknowledges the others’ need: “I really would love to have you do this with me, but then when we get home, you can have the basement.”

Try this. Strike up a weekend conversation with your spouse: What do you need from today? Bonus points if you incorporate the words introvert or extrovert.

3. How do you feel about ____________________? (situation, conversation, etc.)

The more I began to understand my introverted personality, the more I began to understand why certain situations made me uncomfortable. And I began to put out-loud words to those feelings: “I know that this wedding reception will wear me out even though I really like these people. I will need to take a break at some point and go for a walk alone.”

When I could put out-loud words to my feelings, John could better understand my actions. He would know that my leaving the table didn’t represent rude behavior but rather self-care. And he could help me make that escape if I could not do it easily myself.

As an introvert, I primarily process internally. I happily dwell within my always-busy brain. In fact, I find it such a cozy spot that I sometimes forget to “use my words.” And I certainly cannot expect John to read my mind. If I want him to understand my needs, I must put words to them. Actual, spoken words.

And by asking John, “How do you feel about ________________?” I slow him down and cause him to reflect and evaluate situations. That often helps him enjoy the situation more by anticipating the joy of it: “I so look forward to talking to Steve tomorrow morning.” Or it helps him understand why he struggled with something: “That conversation felt stilted. I think the restaurant was too loud.”

No surprise that we might feel differently about the same situation or conversation. We have different personalities.

All of this data helps us understand and appreciate each other—even after 34 years.

Try This. Think about an event you and your spouse will attend in the next week. Set aside a time to ask and answer this question: How do you feel about going to this event? And then when you return from the event, set aside some more time to ask and answer this question: How did you feel at that event?

Just three questions. So worth asking and asking again. And questions that would also work well within friendships committed to honesty and growth.

We, especially we introverts, need to find our out-loud words in marriage; we need to learn to ask and answer the deep questions that will help us know ourselves better and also help us know better how to nurture a spouse.

All of this question-asking work helps cultivate a partnership, a friendship, a place where we can become more whole and more holy, more like the God who created us and gave us His good gift of marriage.

Want to know more about living connected as an introvert? Check out my book Living Connected: An Introvert’s Guide to Living Connected, available October 5, 2021.

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The post When an Introvert Marries an Extrovert appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

I have a lot of book friends. Some boast stained, underlined pages with taped spines. Others appear with the swipe of a finger on my Kindle, seemingly eager for an afternoon of conversation.

All of these book friends have challenged me to see and think in new ways, and many of them have helped me begin to unwrap the gift of friendship. These particular book friends have given me, an introvert, courage to head into the world of flesh-and-blood people and work at living connected.

In honor of International Friendship Day (July 30, 2021), allow me to introduce you to some of my favorite friendship books.

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for by Alan Loy McGinnis (Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress Publishers, 1979, 2004)

I read this book when it first came out in the 1979 and have reread it many times since. McGinnis writes simply and candidly about the value of friendship in his own life—something a lot of men don’t discuss.

He writes,

“Why is there such a shortage of close friendships? One simple reason: We do not devote ourselves sufficiently to it. If our relationships are the most valuable commodity we can own in this world, one would expect that men and women everywhere would be pursing them with enthusiasm. But for many, it does not even occur in their list of goals.”

page 20-21

How to Be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships by Dr. John Townsend (Brentwood, TN: Worthy Publishing, 2011)

I so appreciate reading the words of this man who deeply values friendship, even when it offers challenges. Psychologist and prolific writer, Dr. John Townsend, also wrote the hugely helpful book Boundaries.

This particular sentence (one of my favorites) speaks profoundly to developing friendships that go beyond small talk and common interests:

“To tell a good friend, ‘I want you to see a therapist to get some help on this’ is one of the most growth-producing things anyone can do.”

page 96

A Year Between Friends 3191 Miles Apart: Crafts, Recipes, Letter, and Stories  by Maria Alexandra Vettese and Stephanie Congdon Barnes (New York: Abrams, 2016)

These two photographers met one day when they both posted similar photos in an online forum. Despite living 3,191 miles apart, they developed a friendship and eventually collaborated on this book, which oozes with craft ideas, photos of everyday life, letters, and recipes. I love that social media launched this friendship (a great use of this challenging tool), and I love that creativity and family play important roles in the ongoing relationship.

These words from Stephanie capture the tone of the book so well:

“As usual, your notes and photographs have helped keep me going. There were certainly days when I felt I couldn’t recognize beauty in anything, but then I would view a snippet of something from 3,191 miles away and it would jolt me out of my despair. I am ever so grateful to you for your friendship.”

loc 1574 of 1788, Kindle

The Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1977)

I first read this book decades ago in college for a class in children’s literature. I’ve returned to it several times since, including recently. Set in rural Virginia, this beautifully written tale of friendship between two grade-school children always makes me laugh and cry and marvel at the gift of friendship at any age.

Jess, one of the main characters, sums up friendship so well:

“He thought about it all day, how before Leslie came, he had been a nothing—a stupid, weird little kid who drew funny pictures and chased around a cow field trying to act big—trying to hide a whole mob of foolish little fears running riot inside his gut. It was Leslie who had taken him from the cow pasture into Terabithia and turned him into a king.”

page 126

The World of Pooh by A.A. Milne (New York: E.P. Dutton, 1957, 1985)

When I graduated from college, my Children’s Literature Professor,  Helen deVette gifted me a copy of this book. How I treasure it! And I return to it again and again. I marvel at the humor, the use of language, the random bits of poetry created by a “Bear of Very Little Brain,” and the endearing friendships between Christopher Robin and his animal friends and they with each other. They forgive each other and help each other conquer real and imagined fears (including Heffalumps).

I love these words about friendship, spoken by Pooh:

“Let’s go and see everybody,” said Pooh. “Because when you’ve been walking in the wind for miles, and you suddenly go into somebody’s house, and he says ‘Hallo, Pooh, you’re just in time for a little smackerel of something,’ and you are, then it’s what I call a Friendly Day.”

page 269

Knowing God by J.I. Packer (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press 1979)

In 1979, shortly after this book arrived in the world, I read it with awe and in small doses. The more I read, the more I began to glimpse the magnitude and reality of God. And I also began to see clearly the friendship that God offers us.

Packer writes:

“What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact the He knows me. I am graven on the palms of His hands. I am never out of His mind. All my knowledge of Him depends on His sustained initiative in knowing me. I know Him, because He first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when His eye is off me, or His attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when His care falters.”

page 37

The Book of Ruth in the Holy Bible, New Living Translation (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 2015)

I first read this book of the Bible as a high school student and found this unusual tale of romance so fascinating. But I’ve returned to the book again and again as an adult and find the friendship between Naomi and Ruth, developed in the midst of cultural and age differences, just as fascinating. I love this unfolding story of how their relationship began as in-laws and grew into a strong, life-giving friendship for both of them.

You may know these familiar words (often quoted at weddings).

“But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried.’ “

Ruth 1:16-17, NLT

The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time by Shasta Nelson (Nashville, TN: HarperCollins Leadership, 2020)

I so appreciate Shasta Nelson’s passion for friendship. And I particularly appreciate the focus of this book: developing friendships at work—the place (physical or virtual) where we spend so much time. I like that Nelson wrestles with hard questions, such as concerns that friendships at work could create drama and adversely affect productivity.

But I like even more that after all her research, she concludes:

“It’s time to let go of our hesitations, guilt, and fear about friendships at work and instead see that the more connected we are the better it is for all of us.”

Loc 392 of 3879, Kindle

Becoming Gertrude: How Our Friendships Shape Our Faith by Janice Peterson (Colorado Springs: CO, NavPress, 2018)

This book, rich with stories and wisdom won from decades of living, sprang from a childhood connection Janice developed with a backdoor neighbor named Gertrude Floyd.

She writes,

“I often found myself walking through the back gate and knocking on Gertrud’s screen door, where I was always received with a warm welcome and a ‘Come in—I’ll get us some lemonade. You go on out to the porch . . . ‘ Her loving friendship showed me how powerful it can be to live a life of being readily available to others—to listen, to care for them, to engage with their lives.”

loc 233-240 of 1334, Kindle

By the way, you can actually see the hospitality of Janice Peterson in this delightful video about a time when Bono came to their home in Montana to talk with her husband Eugene about his translation of the Psalms.

Happy reading! Cheering you on as you seek to live connected. I’d love to hear what you think about these friendship books, or have you tell me about your favorite friendship books. 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The post 9 Favorite Friendship Books appeared first on Afton Rorvik.

As my introverted self contemplates emerging from this pandemic, I wonder if I have a grown and changed during this time of cocooning? Has my caterpillar-self, happily munching on nourishment within my own walls, gained strength and confidence? Will I emerge from all of this looking like a butterfly with beautiful, delicate wings that propel me toward other people? Or will I continue to resemble a caterpillar with lumpy, atrophied connection muscles?

Like so many introverts in this pandemic, I have loved having time and space to think and read and write. Interacting with people largely through electronic devices has allowed me to spend a lot of time in my own head. That can become a complicated place to live, however, especially if I dwell in it for long stretches of uninterrupted time.

Even we introverts need to get out of our heads and connect with real people in the real world.

Now that I have had both vaccines, I know that I need to step out of my head and my house and head back into the world of flesh-and-blood people, back into face-to-face living.

A big part of why I know I need to re-enter the world of people stems from my love of Jesus. I want to wrap my life around loving and serving Him, and that compels me to follow His example of living a connected life. He consistently interacted with sick people, societal outcasts, religious leaders, children, women . . . He did not isolate Himself, claiming the protection of deity or even a personality test. I believe He calls me to do the same.

So how do I—an introvert who loves Jesus—step back into the world of real-life people?

I need to remember that quiet fuels me.

Just as a car needs gas (or an electric charge) to keep running well, so we introverts need regular doses of quiet. It serves as our fuel.

Recently, I have adopted the practice of stopping several times during the day to examine my fuel gauge. Empty? At 80 percent? I know that I function better when my tank registers at least 70 percent full. And I know that moments of quiet act as that fuel. This check-in habit helps me pay attention and reminds me to slow down and fuel up.

Some of us had LOTS of opportunities for quiet during the pandemic as we hunkered down alone or with one other person. Others of us struggled to find quiet in a house full of kids learning online and spouses working from home. Sometimes we learned to gulp quiet in pre-dawn hours or after everyone else in the household went to sleep.

Pandemic or no pandemic, I know I live best when I have daily doses of quiet. I can’t forget that when the world begins to get noisy and busy again. I still need to find moments of quiet, even if that means carving out pre-dawn or late-night moments.

I need to remember the joy of taking on a communication challenge.

Although I love email, I discovered during the pandemic that lots of my friends and family members do not share that love. Some like to text, some like to use Zoom, and others even like to talk on the phone. Go figure!

As the pandemic wore on, I realized that I needed to learn to broaden my communication skills, including talking on the phone—NOT something my introverted self enjoys. I rely a lot on body language in conversations. And I always think I have interrupted someone when I call on the phone.

BUT I wanted to stay connected . . . Still do.

So I assigned myself the task of learning to talk on the phone, but I did it introvert-style. I texted first to set up a call. I made a mental or physical list of topics. I fueled up with quiet time before the call. And I gave myself quiet time after the call to process it and let it go.

Much to my surprise, I began to enjoy talking on the phone!

As I emerge into a post-pandemic world, I want to remember what I learned about communication: I can and should take on communication challenges for the sake of those I love, but I can do it introvert-style.

I need to remember to pace myself.

Within twenty-four hours of receiving his first vaccine, my husband had lined up 5(!) trips. As he explained them all to me with great enthusiasm, my introverted-self began to quake. Several of these trips involve me!

So how do I navigate travel again, and travel with an extroverted, travel enthusiast?

Pace myself.

I must remember to balance days of busy with days of quiet, and I must use my words to explain my need of refueling in quiet. I cannot expect the extroverts in my life to read my mind and know what I need, especially when it differs so much from what they need.

Traveling holds such gifts of connection, and I don’t want to miss out on those gifts by wearing myself out.

I need to remember to embrace introversion as a gift, not a curse.

If I believe God wired me as He did for a reason, I need to celebrate that and not wallow in feelings of “less than.”

One of my favorite, laugh-out-loud Bible passages says it so well:  

A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, transparent and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

1 Corinthians 12:14-18, MSG

Living authentically as ourselves, pandemic or no pandemic, matters. And so does living connected. Even we introverts need connection to the real world. And the real world needs us—our quiet, thoughtful, empathetic voices.

The Apostle Paul sums it up well:

But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn’t be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, “Get lost; I don’t need you”? Or, Head telling Foot, “You’re fired; your job has been phased out”? 

1 Corinthians 12:19-24, MSG

We need each other, whether introverted or extroverted. As we all emerge from this pandemic, let us work to see each other and hear each other. Let us help each other find our way back into the world of real-life people.

Cheering you on as you emerge from this pandemic! P.S. If you like to read, consider signing up for my monthly newsletter. (This year I hope to give away a variety of books.) I’ll also give first-peek updates for Book #2. (function() { window.mc4wp = window.mc4wp || { listeners: [], forms: { on: function(evt, cb) { window.mc4wp.listeners.push( { event : evt, callback: cb } ); } } }})();


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