Judith Orloff's Blog

Caregiving is an opportunity to help someone with a physical, emotional, or spiritual infirmity. It is a chance for your empathy to shine.

In the 1990s, I was the caregiver when both parents became ill at different points. I am thankful that I could bring them more peace and stability in their final days. They didn’t have to be alone or without the eyes of love. I was their advocate, their rock, a familiar, caring face in the storm. My father told others, “Judith is holding me under her wing.”

Healthy caregiving means sometimes stepping away from the person you are helping to meditate, sleep, attend to your own health, watch a funny movie, or talk to a friend. Also, snuggle with your animal companions or stuffed animal friends to nourish your inner child, who often gets lost in the caregiving process.

Whether you’re helping a friend recover from an injury or supporting a parent through a serious illness, here are five practical caregiving tips.

Practical Tips for Caregivers (From The Genius of Empathy)

Beware of Smothering Generosity

Sometimes you can help too much and smother people with generosity. Though you mean well, without knowing it, you become intrusive, hovering, or nervously fussing over someone. You infantilize them by frequently asking, “Are you any better, honey? Are you in pain?” From the recipient’s perspective, it can feel like you are treating them as a sick, helpless baby.

Appreciate the Pros and Cons of Being a Super-Giver

Being a super-giver offers you a sense of purpose in that you’re contributing to someone’s life. Also, there are real benefits for the recipient. Super-givers have high energy. They get things done and advocate for a patient. Even so, super-givers can overcompensate for their fear of abandonment or rejection by doing too much. Their subconscious motive is that by making themselves indispensable, there’s less chance that the person will leave them. In reality, this isn’t always true.

Know the Difference between Worry and Concern

Worry is when you focus your anxiety on a specific target, such as the health of the person you are caring for. Being someone who chronically worries may be an attempt to gain control or overcome a sense of helplessness about a situation. Naturally, legitimate concerns arise when someone is ill, but worry takes concern into the area of suffering. To worry is to be human. However—and I know this may be hard to absorb— worry doesn’t help

Cultivate Tolerance and Patience

People who are suffering from acute or chronic pain or illness or are immobile can be irritable or just in a plain mean mood. Still, if you’re caring for someone cranky or mean,  try to understand what’s going on. Particularly if the person is dying, cut them some slack and stop trying to change them.

Tolerance means being able to “live and let live” without correcting someone’s beliefs or behavior. With caregiving, it may mean tolerating someone’s frustrating attitude or ongoing pain. Be patient with them.

Reach Out for Support and Resources

If you’re helping someone who is chronically ill or terminal, it is lifesaving for you to seek help and to delegate. I understand the impulse to want to do everything yourself. After all, you are the person who knows and loves the patient the most—and you may feel uncomfortable bringing in a “stranger.” If you’re not a “joiner” or “group person,” you might feel more comfortable with online support. You can participate in Zoom or phone meetings where you can simply listen.

As a caregiver, be sure to take time for yourself to replenish and relax. In addition, you can use the Serenity Prayer to keep you centered.

Grant me the serenity
To accept the people or things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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How do you balance work, spouse, friends, family, and kids without freaking out, especially if you’re easily overwhelmed?

The secret to thriving as an empath parent is to have strategies in place to counter tension and over-stimulation. Of course, this is important for all parents, but since empaths have a lower threshold for stress, anxiety, and sensory overload, these tools can make or break their sanity and well-being.

In my new children’s book, The Highly Sensitive Rabbit, a caring cottontail named Aroura lives in the High Sonora Desert with her mother and siblings. Aroura’s mother understands the challenges of parenting and worries about her sweet, sensitive child fitting into her world. Sensitivity can be a mixed bag. Though parental empathy psychologically benefits both kids and parents, physical health is a different story.

In the spirit of self-care, an empath parent can practice the following strategies to reduce stress and to stay calm and balanced. Whether you have a partner or are a single parent, they will help you be mindful of how you express your emotions to your kids, while still allowing you to feel deeply.

9 Action Steps to Achieve Balance and Reduce Sensory Overload

1. Start the day with a gratefulness affirmation
This sets a positive, uplifting tone. Inwardly or aloud say, “I am grateful for this day, for my health, for my connection to spirit, and for my kids and family. Thank you for all these blessings. May I stay calm. May I stay happy. May I be loving.”

2. Remember to breathe
Rushing causes you to hold your breath or to breathe shallowly, which traps tension in your body. Throughout your busy day, program yourself to take a least one conscious deep breath periodically to release tension.

3. Create alone time
To counter the demands of raising children, empaths must schedule at least a few minutes alone each day to recharge. Spend some time in nature if you can or at your sacred space at home

4. Listen to soothing music
Music has the power to heal, inspire, and transform tension. It is an instant energy shifter. It helps you and your baby as you rock the little one to sleep. Later, it can be calming for everyone in your home.

5. Meditate
Finding bits of time to meditate breaks the stress cycle and quiets your nervous system. As one empath mother said, “After I mediate, I’m calmer. Then I don’t get pulled into the drama of my son’s tantrums.”

6. Take power naps
If you have young children, you might feel the urge to catch up on laundry while they’re napping. But this is the perfect time for you to take a powernap. Just 5 to 15 minutes will revive you and provide an energy boost that will carry you through the rest of your busy day.

7. Set boundaries
Strive to set clear and enforceable boundaries. There is probably no harder place to create a limit than with your children, but it’s healthy to say, “No” to unreasonable requests and bad behavior.

8. Don’t be a helicopter parent
Empathic parents are highly intuitive and pick up on what their children are feeling and thinking–often to an extreme. As a result, you can become overly anxious, so you hover and micro-manage. This doesn’t serve your kids and can make them anxious and resentful too. Center your own energy

9. Have fun with your kids
Remember what precious beings of light they are, rather than concentrating on annoyances. Focus on the privilege of parenting them. The laughter of your happy children is healing. Let your empathic self release stress and join them in their joy.

Just as Aurora in The Highly Sensitive Rabbit learns how to set healthy boundaries and deal with overwhelm, you too can make changes to be a more empathic and loving parent. In the extraordinary process of child-rearing, remember to be self-compassionate. Realize: You can’t do everything.

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Success and power have many facets.

You can have every material success in the world and still not be happy. Happiness comes from within and without.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I respect that each person has different values and needs. Because of this, I know never to judge a person’s happiness simply by how they appear to the world.

What does success mean to you? I have a wide definition of success–your job is just one part of it. I’m defining success as coming from both outer and inner sources, though outer success alone is flimsy when it’s not matched by the sense of worth you feel inside. Success involves doing as well as being. It’s becoming integrated and whole.

Success is when you give your all, then let go of the results. Whether or not you land the job, the relationship, or any goal, each outcome offers an elegant lesson in surrender. My Daoist teacher says, “If you have never met failure, you have never succeeded.” As painful as it feels, sometimes you try your best but don’t succeed. Though failure can be a blow to your ego and heart, learning to deal with it successfully, without getting hopeless or cynical, is a sign of a truly powerful person. Thus, success is the art of wielding power with humility and a sense of the sacred so your ego won’t be seduced by it–this goes for family, at work, or anywhere.

What is power? How can you constructively harness it? Power is strength. In the world, it’s your ability to get things done, to affect people, to create positive change, to achieve a quality of life; sometimes it’s simply having a hand to hold. It’s also the command you have over yourself, your emotions, your weaknesses. It’s the awareness that if something isn’t working in your life, you can make a change. However, your power comes from drawing inwardly on spiritual forces too. It’s an elegant balance, to be in the world, but not of it, to tell the difference between light and shadow powers–then choose which to follow.

Success involves your ability to tap and surrender to the different sources of power, both material-world and spiritual, and use them for the good. It’s a path to contentment instead of constant frenetic striving.

Here are 3 Essential Keys to Success from my book, The Power of Surrender

Be proud of who you are, not just what you haveAppreciate the value of the love you offer to yourself and others.Embody the good and do good in the unique sphere of your life. No act is too small to be meaningful.

To claim your full power, the kind that strengthens with time, you must address the above three points in a surrendered way, not holding on too tightly to anything. But, you must also reach further than the physical world to tap what’s deep within you. If you don’t, you’ll wrongly perceive that the money, the position, or the degree are the only successes that matter, the only markers that can make you feel powerful, an illusion of our linear mind, which is notoriously blind to its own limitations.

Adapted from The Power of Surrender by Judith Orloff MD

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Empath children are gifts to the world and need to be nurtured properly.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I’m often asked by parents for advice on raising their sensitive children. As an empath child myself, I never felt like I fit in. Much of the time, I felt like an alien on earth, waiting to be transported to my real home in the stars. My ordinarily loving mother would call me “too sensitive” and would say, “You need to get a thicker skin.” So, I grew up believing there was something wrong with me, and I had terrible shame about my sensitive self.

If you’re the parent of a sensitive child, it’s important to support their sensitivities and help them embrace their abilities. This will help them feel comfortable in their own skin now and as they mature into sensitive adults.

This is why I feel so passionate about my new children’s book, The Highly Sensitive Rabbit, because I want to help sensitive children embrace their gifts. I want to help liberate children from the shame I felt so they can thrive. The book is about a caring rabbit named Aurora who was shamed by her family for her sensitivities but learns to embrace these gifts through the love and support of other animals. The following themes are explored in the book—they are strategies you can use

5 Strategies Nurture Empath Children

1. Encourage openness
Invite your children to speak openly to you or supportive others about their abilities. Teach them to value their uniqueness and trust their gut feelings and inner voice. Then, they will see their gifts as natural.

2. Honor your children’s feelings
Listen carefully to what your children feel and respect it, even if it means the occasional day off from school. If your child needs to crawl under the dining room table or leave a large gathering, don’t drag them back into the party. Don’t shame them for wanting to escape. Just let them stay on the sidelines where they can observe and absorb without becoming overwhelmed.

3. Educate family members and teachers
Educate your children’s teachers and family members about their gifts and tendency for sensory overload. Ask them to support your children if they are bullied or teased.

4. Support your children in taking alone time to be quiet and creative
Empathic children thrive on free, unstructured time to be creative and allow their imaginations to wander. They recharge and calm down when they are alone. This reduces their stimulation level. Sensitive children often have imaginary playmates.

5. Teach your children breathing and meditation exercises
When empathic children are stressed, or if they feel as if they’ve taken on other people’s emotions (including your own), teach them to take a few deep breaths to calm down. In addition, they can close their eyes for a couple of minutes and meditate on a relaxing image.

It is a blessing to support the gifts of empath children. When they learn to manage their sensitivities early on, their childhood and adult lives will be easier and more fulfilling. From this perspective, parenting sensitive children is a spiritual act and sacred responsibility.

Here’s a peek at Katy Tanis’s gorgeous artwork from The Highly Sensitive Rabbit.

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Are you “overly nice” and suffer as a result? What I mean by this is that empaths and many caring people often burn themselves out by over-giving and don’t know when to back off. They mean well. But what’s missing is balance and knowing when to give less and replenish themselves. I’ve known people who’ve sacrificed the last molecule of their being trying to help someone who may not have wanted their help. Or they exhaust themselves by trying to fix others. So to maximize how your giving can heal others and yourself, learn to remain discerning and balanced.

Neuroscience has confirmed numerous ways that healthy giving enhances wellness. For instance, volunteering has been shown to lower stress levels, reduce depression, and lessen your aches and pains. Plus, MRI scans have demonstrated that donating to a worthy cause increases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Contributing to a community also has been proven to enhance people’s ability to cope with addiction and bereavement.

The desire to give flows naturally from having empathy. You care. You want to help. So you offer your time, your knowledge, and your energy. (For me, time is my most valuable gift.). Perhaps you listen to a coworker going through a tough divorce or you do a load of wash for an ailing neighbor. Maybe you simply smile at a stranger.

It’s a myth that healthy giving is only unconditional or selfless. Healthy giving may also be conditional. Healthy giving comes from your heart but is also about setting boundaries in situations that warrant it and practicing self-care. One form of giving is showing someone appreciation, whether it’s for taking out the trash, filling in for you at work, or writing a moving novel. Appreciation helps people feel validated and to flourish. It can lift you out of a miserable mood so you can think, “Maybe this situation isn’t so bad after all.”

I teach my patients and the UCLA psychiatric residents I supervise, how to give wisely, sometimes a life-or-death concern. It’s a lesson in balancing and conserving energy that many of us overly nice people need to learn. You too can learn to empathize without sacrificing your own well-being. Here are some positive traits of healthy giving.

Traits of Healthy Giving over the Holidays and Beyond
(Source: The Genius of Empathy foreword by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama)

Empathize without feeling drained Practice random acts of kindness Set healthy boundaries such as saying a positive “no” Prioritize self-care, rest, and alone time to replenish energy Feel nourished by giving Know your own limits Accept support Delegate responsibilities Allow others the dignity of their own path without interfering

To feel more energized and balanced in your giving, experiment with incorporating these traits into your life. Learning to balance empathy with self-care is a beautiful ongoing healing process.

I’m inspired by the 14th Dalai Lama’s prayer about helping others in the book “Ethics for the New Millennium” in which he seeks to be “a guide for those who have lost their way” and “a bridge for those with rivers to cross.” In our own unique styles, we can do this too.

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Empathic listening is a way to help heal others through the quality of your presence and attention. You consciously give your time, focus, and compassion to someone who needs to be heard. You slow down to be fully in the moment without distractions. No checking messages, being on the internet, watching television, scanning the room, or taking calls. You are quiet. You are attuning. You are present.

As a psychiatrist, I’m a trained listener. When patients consult me, I’m able to listen to them on a deeper level by utilizing my intellect, my intuition, and empathic abilities. This is very gratifying to me as it gives me the opportunity to understand what they are experiencing on a deeper level. To empower my empath patients, I teach them to listen to their inner voice and set boundaries with difficult people so their empathy can be a source of strength, love, and vitality rather than “dis-ease.”

Empathic listening is very different from talking. It is a quiet, non-verbal exercise in cultivating presence and showing undivided attention. This is also known as “passive listening,” which is different from “active listening” where you ask questions and discuss what the person shared.

Six Keys to Empathic Listening

Here is an overview of the main points to practice empathic listening. You can learn additional techniques in my book The Genius of Empathy.

1. Stay Neutral, Bear Witness
As a listener, you bear witness to another’s distress. You are caring, while offering a few supportive smiles, nods, or words.

2. Cultivate Acceptance
Try to be tolerant of ideas that may be different from your own, that you haven’t been exposed to before, or reasoning that makes you uncomfortable.

3. Set a Time, Place, and Time Limit
Keep in mind that you don’t have to listen to everyone in need, as many caring people tend to do. Choose who you listen to and for how long.

4. Stick to One Topic
Agreeing on a topic keeps you focused. If a sharer tries to cover a list of problems, it can be unproductive and overwhelming for both of you.

5. Listen to Your Intuition
Listening to your intuition can help you determine a person’s inner state. It is a nonverbal way of being empathic.

6. Bring the Conversation to a Close
When you’re nearing the end of the agreed-upon listening time, you can gently remind the sharer that it is almost time to stop.

As you begin to practice empathic listening, simply offer the recipient a supportive, nonjudgmental presence. Allowing time to listen to someone gives them space to express themselves. People also enjoy sharing happy moments and breakthroughs. Listening to these is a way of sharing positive energy and a sense of celebration with each other.

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (Sounds True ©2024) Judith Orloff, MD.

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Intuition is a potent form of inner wisdom.

It’s an unflinching truth-teller committed to our well-being. You can experience intuition as a gut feeling, hunch, a physical sensation, a snapshot-like flash, or a dream. Always a friend, it keeps a vigilant eye on our bodies, letting us know if something is out of sync.

Intuition is something many of us rely on for snap judgments and often life-altering decisions. A 2008 study in the British Journal of Psychology defined intuition as what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision — but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

In my book Guide to Intuitive Healing: Five Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness I discuss the neuroscience of intuition. An important aspect of this is that there are neurotransmitters in the gut that can respond to environmental stimuli and emotions in the present — it’s not just about past experiences. When those neurotransmitters fire, you may feel the sensation of “butterflies” or uneasiness in your stomach. Researchers theorize that “gut instinct,” which sends signals to your brain, plays a large role in intuition.

Women’s Intuition

Scientists believe intuition operates through the right side of our brain, the brain’s hippocampus, and through our gut (the digestive system has neurons as well). A women’s corpus collosum, the connective white matter that connects our left and right brain hemispheres together, is thicker than men’s. This gives women better and faster abilities to access each hemisphere, further integrating their emotions and gut feelings with the more logical, decision making functions of the left hemisphere. Basically, women’s brains are actually optimized for rapid intuitive decision making. Women often tend to be psychologically more in touch with their emotions and are more likely to integrate hunches, emotional intuitions about people with the functions of logic.

Because men have a thinner corpus collosum they are more compartmentalized in their thinking and less about to move back and forth from intuition to logic. Also women are encouraged to be receptive to their inner thoughts, so it appears that they have more intuition than men. The reality is, girls are often praised for being sensitive while boys are urged to be more linear in their thinking rather than listening to their feelings.

So how do you tune in? First, pay attention to your physical responses. For example, you may be trying to decide if you should take a new job that pays twice the salary as your current one. Your head says ‘Of course! That’s a lot of money,’ but you notice that you feel a little sick to your stomach or exhausted. That’s an intuitive cue that you should step back and really examine the offer.

You also need to make sure you aren’t mistaking strong emotions for intuition. Fear, desire, and panic can all get in the way of intuition. It’s important to focus on one’s inner voice and stay grounded.

References:

Isenberg, Daniel J. (Nov-Dec 1984). Intuition Makes For Superior Management Decisions, How Senior Managers Think, Harvard Business Review, Harvard Business School study

Hodgkinson, G. P., Langan-Fox, J., & Sadler-Smith, E. (2008). Intuition: A fundamental bridging construct in the behavioural sciences. British Journal of Psychology, 99(1), 1–27. https://doi.org/10.1348/000712607X216666

Wei Bao, Yunhong Wang, Tingting Yu, Jiarong Zhou, Junlong Luo, (2022). Women rely on “gut feeling”? The neural pattern of gender difference in non-mathematic intuition, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 196. ScienceDirect https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2022.111720.

Oakley, Colleen, Reviewed by Farrell, Patricia A. PhD (2012). The Power of Female Intuition: Just what is that 6th sense that sometimes guides you? And what’s the best way to tune in? WebMD Archives. https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/power-of-female-intuition

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(Adapted from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff MD, 2024 Sounds True Publishing)

How you treat yourself profoundly affects your health and well-being.

What is self-empathy? Why can it seem so elusive when it is so good for us? It often seems so much easier to have empathy with others than yourself. Self-empathy is a commitment to be caring rather than shaming or punishing yourself, especially if you’ve made a mistake. Maybe your first impulse is to push too hard or get impatient with your progress. Or you might beat yourself up for falling short at work or when communicating with a loved one. Or you are too quick to hate or blame yourself. Without self-empathy these are no-win situations. That’s why self-empathy is so vital to becoming a healthy, empowered empathic person.

Because of the absolute importance of this subject, I’ve devoted a complete chapter to it in my book The Genius of Empathy which is available on your favorite online booksellers or bookstores. Please review this information in the chapter to get a sense of why I’m framing self-empathy as a healing force in your life. To begin practicing self-empathy here are 8 tips.

8 Ways to Develop and Build Self-Empathy

Treat yourself with as much kindness as you treat others.Honor your own needs rather than always putting everyone else first.Have self-compassion for yourself during hard times, rather than blaming and shaming.Set respectful boundaries with unhealthy behavior.Give yourself permission to be around supportive, positive people.Forgive yourself when you make a mistake.Allow yourself to receive other people’s caring, help, and love.Be happy with yourself when you do things well.

Whenever you have physical distress you can connect to it with empathy. First, identify the painful place in your body. Take a few deep breaths and relax into it. Connecting with your heart in stressful situations, including medical or dental procedures, reduces stress. Keep sending the uncomfortable area lovingkindness. This part of you, whether it’s a bone, an organ, or a tissue, needs your understanding.

In addition, practice the following healing affirmation which I recommend to my patients as a way to access self-empathy and promote self-healing. During the day, keep repeating it to lessen stress or to simply feel good.

I breathe deeply. My body is relaxed.
I am moving forward toward wellness and ease.

Self-empathy means accepting that you are human and can learn and grow. Of course, you will make mistakes or have regrets. You may move forward, slip backward, then move ahead again. You are not perfect. None of us are. Thank goodness. Perfection is so boring! I love the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi, which sees imperfections as beautiful and interesting. We are all messy and extraordinary at the same time. Self-empathy starts with being willing to accept your less-than-best qualities as well as your stellar ones.

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(Adapted from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff MD, 2024 Sounds True Publishing)

Empathy is a vital leadership skill in our world.

There’s a hunger for empathic leadership in many organizations including corporations, governments, medical centers, and small businesses across the globe.

Recently the Global Empathy Index, which is published in the Harvard Business Review, examined data from employees’ responses to questions ranging from a CEO’s approval ranking to their own happiness level in their job. Researchers found that empathic companies are the most profitable and are associated with increased employees’ earnings and gratification as well as customer satisfaction.

At this crucial turning point, we need empathic leaders with innovative management styles to motivate teams and provide regular moments of connection and caring, as well as global leaders who can help create a more loving, unified, and cooperative world.

The appeal of empathic leadership extends beyond conventional office environments. Former Navy SEAL commander Mark Divine trains athletes, SWAT teams, first responders, and aspiring SEALS to combine mental toughness with intuition and heart. Empathic leadership is not only for supersensitive types. It is also for tough people in any field.

Even if you don’t supervise others, you can take a leadership role by being a positive model for team members. For example, you step up to clarify your needs to a manager who you think would consider your point of view. If you receive a helpful response, it could inspire coworkers to speak up with discernment too.

You can become an empathic leader whether you’re a new manager, a C-suite executive, or you’re simply leading by example in any job even if you don’t manage anyone. Because the need for empathy and human connection has increased in our chaotic world, the power of everyday empathic leadership has grown.

To become a more effective leader, develop these 5 common traits of empathic leaders that I write about in greater detail in my book The Genius of Empathy:

5 Key Traits of Empathic Leaders

Lead by example. Be a role model for empathy and being collaborative. Let others know that you care about their concerns and values so that team members know, “I care about your concerns and values. Let’s work this through together.”Have emotional intelligence. Think outside the box and encourage others’ creative ideas. During a conflict stay centered and combine logic and empathy to resolve an issue. Let others know you can identify with their dilemmas, while keeping control of your own emotions.Listen to your intuition. Trust your gut in decision-making and support others in doing so too.Show appreciation. Nurture team member’s talents and strengths while using appreciation and positive reinforcement to encourage excellence.Be flexible. Learn to read others’ needs and emotions and if necessary adapt to a new or changing situation without becoming rigid or critical.

For example, when an empathic leader sees a team member faltering, they don’t crank up the pressure to perform or use criticism to motivate. Nor do they lead with impatience, which only makes people freeze or panic. Instead, they begin with appreciation for the person’s contributions to the team. Then, in a caring tone, they address any difficulties they are encountering and explore strategies together to reach their goal.

Approaching a team member or co-worker with empathy rather than criticism doesn’t make you a pushover, weak, or unable to set boundaries. Rather, it shows you can incorporate strength and compassion to lead.

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(Adapted from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff MD, 2024 Sounds True Publishing)

I often get asked the question “Are empaths on the autistic spectrum” because of their similar tendencies to experience sensory overload from noise, light, smells, sounds, certain kinds of touch, and crowds. They also both need quiet alone time perhaps more than other people. In my clinical practice, I have found that while some empaths have autism, those on the spectrum aren’t typically empaths. People with autism often have developmental and cognitive challenges that empaths who are not on the spectrum don’t face. Plus the spectrum includes many variations including the genius traits often associated with what was previously known as Asperger’s Syndrome (but now labeled as ASD). There are various gifts and challenges for both empaths and for those on the autistic spectrum.

While researching for my book The Genius of Empathy I had the honor of speaking with Dr. Temple Grandin, a professor of animal science at Colorado State University, who openly shared her own experiences being on the autism spectrum (ASD). She told me that when she witnesses animals or people getting hurt her empathy immediately clicks into action to help someone. She sees her emotions as more of a passing thunderstorm, and focuses on living in the present. This can be an advantage to stay emotionally centered in charged situations. In the past, it was believed that those on the spectrum may lack empathy. Dr. Grandin brought up an important point when she said that those on the spectrum do have empathy but may express it much differently. It will be interesting to find out what future scientific research discovers about the relationship between empathy and ASD.

Empathizing with Our Differences

Perceived or real differences can present obstacles to empathy. Studies have shown that it may be harder to empathize with experiences that are different than our own. We also tend to take comfort in similarities since we generally know what to expect, rather than in areas where we may differ. However, just as it may be challenging for people who are not on the spectrum to understand those who are–it may be equally challenging for those on the spectrum to understand those who are not. To enhance your empathy be mindful of this conditioning so you can begin to open your heart to others whom you may not initially understand. You can also learn to have empathy for your own uniqueness, needs, and differences.

For instance, not everyone sees the world in the same way. There is a creative variety of cognitive styles such as autism spectrum disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) Each style has its own pluses and challenges.

It’s important to see loved ones, friends, and coworkers who have these differences with empathic eyes. It is equally important for them to see your differences (from them) with empathy as well. Do not judge others as inferior, though some cognitive styles can be more emotionally problematic than others. The goal is always to remove obstacles that keep our hearts closed or foster misunderstanding. You’re learning about each other. It is an ongoing dance of connection, respect, tolerance, and love

Surely, we all need as much empathy as possible in our lives. Empathy is a basic life-affirming quality to nurture. I hope you can prioritize it and your own healing. When you encounter obstacles to empathy, pause and be gentle and patient with yourself. Don’t force anything. Always show yourself loving kindness. Love just keeps growing when you hold it close and care for it well.

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