Monika Basile's Blog: Confessions of a Bleeding Heart - Posts Tagged "break-up"

It has been a strange feeling to be on the other end of it.

The dumper instead of the dumpee. It isn't a good feeling in the least. Usually it's me—the one who thinks everything is going well and then gets awarded a nasty surprise.

I don't like it—either position. I don't like being hurt anymore than hurting someone. I don't like that feeling in my heart or the light bulb that goes off in my brain signaling something isn't there or something is simply over. It is a sadness in me to know that I am throwing in the towel and walking away because it just isn't working.

To do it gently, kindly, gracefully? I struggle with it and the words I use are picked and chosen with utmost care. I hate the thought of making it worse than it has to be. But I hate the thought more of simply fading away—which is my instinctual feeling, which is what I want to do. It would be easier to ignore it all. Easier for me.

I thought about too, what I would like to hear, what I would prefer--yet it somehow doesn't quite apply. Because I am me and they are them so how do I know what the right way to do it is?

I decided to be honest--not brutally so, but as fairly honest as I could be.

"You are a wonderful man.I just do not have the feelings for you that I should."

It is the truth. However, it wasn't enough of it since he proceeded to then bombard me with touches of rudeness and idiocy that caused me to cringe. I finally understood why men are prone to do the "fade away" thing . It is easier. It is neater and cleaner and leaves less guilt. There is no real backlash. You just delete the person out of your life and never think twice. It doesn't mean it is right to do it though.

It is quite difficult to tell someone you know they are not the "one" or at least one of the "ones"(I do believe there is more than one person for each of us that we can have a decent and satisfying life with) Yet, I am just as sure that if one person isn't feeling it then there is nothing else to do but end it as soon as they know it deep in their heart. There is only so long we can wait for something to grow. Sometimes it just doesn't. At those times, it is better to let it go.

It is best to leave the other person with their dignity no matter how uncomfortable it may make us to do so. When we offer the human courtesy of good-bye rather than a disappearing act, at least we are giving enough respect instead of saying, “You weren’t worth a second thought”.

Monika M. Basile

I have noticed a pattern in my life. A pattern that is ugly and gaudy. A pattern—that I want to change. I want to change it right now.

I have been a settler. I have been a woman whom has settled for scraps and thought I was having the best parts and not the cast offs—the parts most would scrape into the garbage—this has been what I have kindly taken as my due. No more. No more will I settle for the least of things while living in fear that this is all there is to be offered to me.

The common denominator in it all is me. It is my behavior whether I realized it or not. It is me and I allowed it. I wonder how I end up in the very same spot no matter which road I start on. I am the one who winds up with a huge plate of nothing and it takes me too long to realize that it is just that—nothing. It has taken me even longer to understand that I want, need and deserve much more and that I have the right to expect to get as much as I give.

When I look back on the relationships I have been in and the men I have loved I see things now that I didn’t see before. I see how easily I accepted the tid-bits thinking that I was accepting the man. I see how understanding I tried to be of obligations in busy lives and failed to expect that I should be a top priority. My eyes have opened painfully to the simple turns of phrase I have used, “When you have time” or “If it isn’t an inconvenience...” and “I don’t want to be a bother so I will wait til you are ready”

In my mind, I was being patient. I was being non-pushy. I was being non-aggressive and undemanding. I made myself this woman waiting in shadows instead of standing right in the center of it and saying, “I need you now and I expect you to be there when I need you just as I am for you.”

I wonder how I became her—this woman who has no trouble offering the best of me, the most of me and the every part of me at the drop of hat. Yet, I never felt anyone else should do the same. I never demanded they did. I simply settled for the scraps of time thrown my way as complacently as a dog waiting under the table for food to drop from careless mouths. I look behind me now and find it all pathetic and sad.

How dare I do that to myself? How dare any one not value the gifts I brought to the table and only considered me an afterthought. How dare I settle for less when I gave so much more?

I did it to myself. I have no one to blame but me. It has been said you cannot change anyone else—you can only change yourself. I am. Today. This moment. Right now.

I am taking the scraps offered and throwing them in the garbage where they belong and always belonged. I will save my appetite for an entire meal...including dessert.

Monika M. Basile

This time of year is a strange one for me. I call it the Holiday Drawback. This is when relationships that ended, men I have loved... tend to seep their way back into my life or at least attempt to. I used to think it was because maybe, somehow, it could all be relived—but that isn’t the reason at all.

I think that sometimes people look for the people they let go of who were good to them, as one looks for a set of carelessly misplaced keys. The key word here is carelessly, not misplaced. It has taken me a while to realize that but I do understand it now.

No one wants to be alone on the holidays or even living with someone who makes them feel alone. So instead they think back to a time when someone was good to them or saw the wonder in them or simply enjoyed the person they were. And they are drawn back, back to that time when maybe they felt really good for a bit. Then the thoughts get swirling wicked crazy. What happened? Hey, why did that end? Hmmm, I wonder if she still thinks of me. Etc.

I have an answer. You carelessly misplaced me. You, Sirs, were not careful with what should have been valuable to you—and you didn’t realize that I knew who I was and what my value was and is. I also, dear Sirs, knew that you were worth something too. That is what you miss...the lot of you. You miss one of the people in the world who knew you were someone special, something great, someone worth loving.

It isn’t easy for me in the least to not get drawn back into it all. It’s actually quite difficult to say, “No thank you. I can’t. I hope you’re well etc.” When my heart of hearts instead wants to scream out, “Why did you do that to me? Why are you too late?” It is harder to keep going on alone, not knowing what will happen next, but with a knowing that something will definitely happen next even if I don’t have a clue of what it will be. I know that my life will keep going forward unless I allow the Holiday Drawback to suck me in—however tempting that may be. It isn’t worth it. It keeps me standing still or worse yet, falling backward.

They say men look for the challenge. They want a challenge as they find the woman of their dreams. I say the challenge is not in capturing a woman’s heart, it is in keeping it. Why hunt the mighty bear to simply toss it in the woods for the scavengers? There is no point in that. The challenge is to not be careless and misplace what you hold most dear—what is truly valuable. Hearts are fragile and should be handled with the utmost care.

Yes, sometimes things change—people do or situations. There are mistakes made and regrets hashed over. A second chance can be possible with growing. I have grown too. I have grown wiser and a bit more cautious but not bitter as you may assume. I am not against forgiveness. In fact, I am a firm believer in it. I also believe that loneliness can drive us backwards and cloud our vision of the future as well as the here and now. “The Season” shouldn’t be the reason. It is bittersweet to come to the realization but I am grateful for it.

Monika M. Basile

There are a million articles about having “the talk” and most of them leave me with my voice stuck in my throat instead. I am wondering if maybe, there shouldn’t be a talk. Maybe we shouldn’t need to say, “Hey, do you actually want a relationship or are we fooling ourselves?” or “Where do you see this going?”

Part of me thinks if I am driving down a lone stretch of road, and there is nothing but gravel and leafless trees lining it with a bunch of unkempt creepy houses lined up in a row, and buzzards resting on tombstones, do I really need road signs to tell me where I am or if this is the place I should be? Will a flickering neon sign reading GHOST TOWN population 0 really tell me anything more than my very own eyes?

I think that is how it is with relationships too. If I am in a state of constant wondering where it is going, maybe “the talk” has already been spoken in the deepest silence. They say men are actions and women are words. Maybe women say so many words to come up with reasons for a man’s actions or inaction to simply make us feel better about what is standing clearly before us.

None of us wants to be fooled yet we fool ourselves into thinking that if we just “talk” it will turn out okay. We’ll get it all settled and then make some sort of plan to get to the next part of it. I think sometimes we women could avoid a lot of heartache if we truly looked at the relationship, non relationship, somewhat relationship—with our eyes wide open. I would hope we could actually see what the truth is if we shut up in our minds long enough to watch and observe. The mind chatter is a great distraction to what is truly happening.

I am guilty of this—this lying to myself simply because I want what I want. I think most women are. We are queens of making excuses and finding alternative scenarios rather than facing the truth. It’s because the truth can be painful and ugly and sometimes we think we won’t survive the truth. If we face it—we may have to give up the dreams we’ve been dreaming and let something go we may be holding onto very tightly. We have to give up the vision of the relationship we imagined and have the reality instead. Sometimes, we are lucky and it is better than anything we could have ever conceived. And sometimes it’s not.

If I have to ask a man if he loves me, then he doesn’t. He has made it loud and clear in one way or another. If I have to ask, “Do you want me in your future? Do you see me there?”—then I am not anywhere there and it has already been revealed. I just was not ready to look closely enough to see it at the time.

We wonder why “the talk” is such a hard thing to have. The reason is that it is difficult to ask questions to what when we already know the answers and especially when we don’t like the answer at all.

Of course there are exceptions—that’s a given. Some people don’t know what they want or where they are going or who they want to join them on their journey. I believe the majority must know exactly who they love and if they cannot necessarily picture their future, they know when they can’t picture it empty of the person they love.

Words are powerful but only when actions are behind them. We can all talk the talk until we are blue in the face—it doesn’t change what is not taking place. If nothing is really happening—then the reality is just that—it’s nothing.


Monika M. Basile