Arthur Daigle's Blog - Posts Tagged "cows"
Goblins of Industry
Goblins by their very nature are chaotic and unpredictable, striving to be as nonconformist as possible. This means goblins barely have a society at all, with no rules and no expectations. But sometimes goblins need something so badly they’ll do the most bizarre thing imaginable for a goblin. Work.
Goblins of Industry
The Dusk Empire is one of the most civilized and peaceful human nation on Other Place, with a long history of laws, hard work, respect for elders and religious piety. Its people have a good standard of living and their society is stable. They have a hard time dealing with goblins, which they call mischievous spirits. Men and women of the Dusk Empire tolerate goblins pranks and stay out of wilderness areas where goblins live.
There is one unusual trait of the humans in the Dusk Empire and surrounding lands, namely lactose intolerance. By the age of two or three years they lose their ability to digest milk and dairy products. A full 90% of the people have this condition, which generally causes them no problems. It does, however, mean that there is no cheese production in their land.
This is an intolerable situation for goblins. They crave cheese and do almost anything to get a taste. That generally means stealing it, but this tried and true method is useless as there’s not a crumb of cheese in the kingdom.
Getting around this catastrophe vexed goblins for years. They tried importing it, but the nearest dairies were too far away. They tried convincing men to make it to no avail. After much pondering some goblins came to the conclusion that if they wanted cheese, they’d have to make it themselves.
This caused a civil war among goblins, with one faction supporting the idea, another opposing it, and three more factions not sure what the fight was about but not wishing to be left out. After weeks of pillow fights and trap setting the pro cheese faction won, and goblins set to work making cheese.
The first step was to get cows. Cows were generally too large for goblins to deal with, so they searched high and low until they found a dwarf variety of cows that grew no taller than four feet and were unbelievably cute. Goblins imported these adorable animals to the wilds of Dusk Empire and pastured them on hills too steep for farming.
Step two involved housing their cattle. Goblin houses are as a rule filthy, rattletrap, multiple building code violations that by all rights should fall apart, and their barns were no different. When the dwarf cows were able to escape these barns by pushing walls over and running off, goblins were forced to concede that they’d have do something. Builder goblins studied under the great handyman Bob Viola until they finally learned to make barns sturdier than card houses. Admittedly a big part of the problem was how many builder goblins intentionally sabotaged their projects.
Making cheese was the final step, and arguably the hardest. Goblins learned how to do the task fairly quickly, but their total lack of self control meant they ate the cheese after it had aged only a few hours. They got around this by hiring ogres whose job was to keep the goblins away from their own cheese until it had ripened.
And so the strangest thing came to pass as goblins worked hard to raise their tiny cows and make cheese. The practice spread until every major goblin settlement in the Dusk Empire was doing it. This incidentally made life easier for their human neighbors, who noticed a shocking drop in trapped toilets and shaved cats. Goblins were too busy to make trouble. The goblins even donated excess bulls to humans they called their special friends. Such animals were used for food and leather, and were much appreciated by the poor farmers goblins tended to adopt in this way.
That last part caused a problem. A provincial magistrate of the Dusk Empire found himself deeply in debt after a typhoon caused poor harvests and reduced trade. He heard how the ‘mischievous spirits’ kept small cows in remote parts of his province and would give some away. This was the solution he was looking for! He ordered his soldiers to collect the cattle and slaughter them for meat and hides he could sell.
It didn’t go well.
Goblins guarded their herds jealously. For years they’d been too busy working to place many traps, but they hadn’t stopped inventing new designs. With their cows in danger the goblins trapped anything and everything they could, splattering human soldiers with every imaginable offensive substance. Goblins also snuck into enemy camps to steal weapons, armor, and left shoes. The soldiers never even saw a cow, but they did see an army of goblins gather from across the Dusk Empire. As far as the goblins were concerned, if one herd was taken from them, humans would keep doing it until not a single cow was left. The magistrate called back his men when it was clear he’d failed and might be starting a war.
This ended nothing. Late at night the goblins went to the magistrate’s mansion to personally express their displeasure with him. By the time they were done the entire mansion was filled floor to ceiling with cow dung. Satisfied that they’d made their point, the goblins returned to their wilderness homes, their cows safe.
In many kingdoms such an assault against a high ranking government official would result in a war against the goblins, but leaders in the Dusk Empire are civilized. Many condemned the magistrate for trying to steal the animals. They pointed out that none of their laws applied to only humans, so he was taking farm animals from their right owners. This was cattle rustling, plain and simple. Others pointed out that the mischievous spirits had been relatively quiet for years and provoking them made trouble for everyone. The emperor himself weighed in on the controversy by sending the magistrate a terse note saying only, “What were you thinking?”
And so goblins of the Dusk Empire continue raising cattle and making cheese. It’s too soon to tell if this practice will spread. For now there is peace, with goblins gorging on cheese and looking after hundreds of cows, every last one of them called Bessie.
Goblins of Industry
The Dusk Empire is one of the most civilized and peaceful human nation on Other Place, with a long history of laws, hard work, respect for elders and religious piety. Its people have a good standard of living and their society is stable. They have a hard time dealing with goblins, which they call mischievous spirits. Men and women of the Dusk Empire tolerate goblins pranks and stay out of wilderness areas where goblins live.
There is one unusual trait of the humans in the Dusk Empire and surrounding lands, namely lactose intolerance. By the age of two or three years they lose their ability to digest milk and dairy products. A full 90% of the people have this condition, which generally causes them no problems. It does, however, mean that there is no cheese production in their land.
This is an intolerable situation for goblins. They crave cheese and do almost anything to get a taste. That generally means stealing it, but this tried and true method is useless as there’s not a crumb of cheese in the kingdom.
Getting around this catastrophe vexed goblins for years. They tried importing it, but the nearest dairies were too far away. They tried convincing men to make it to no avail. After much pondering some goblins came to the conclusion that if they wanted cheese, they’d have to make it themselves.
This caused a civil war among goblins, with one faction supporting the idea, another opposing it, and three more factions not sure what the fight was about but not wishing to be left out. After weeks of pillow fights and trap setting the pro cheese faction won, and goblins set to work making cheese.
The first step was to get cows. Cows were generally too large for goblins to deal with, so they searched high and low until they found a dwarf variety of cows that grew no taller than four feet and were unbelievably cute. Goblins imported these adorable animals to the wilds of Dusk Empire and pastured them on hills too steep for farming.
Step two involved housing their cattle. Goblin houses are as a rule filthy, rattletrap, multiple building code violations that by all rights should fall apart, and their barns were no different. When the dwarf cows were able to escape these barns by pushing walls over and running off, goblins were forced to concede that they’d have do something. Builder goblins studied under the great handyman Bob Viola until they finally learned to make barns sturdier than card houses. Admittedly a big part of the problem was how many builder goblins intentionally sabotaged their projects.
Making cheese was the final step, and arguably the hardest. Goblins learned how to do the task fairly quickly, but their total lack of self control meant they ate the cheese after it had aged only a few hours. They got around this by hiring ogres whose job was to keep the goblins away from their own cheese until it had ripened.
And so the strangest thing came to pass as goblins worked hard to raise their tiny cows and make cheese. The practice spread until every major goblin settlement in the Dusk Empire was doing it. This incidentally made life easier for their human neighbors, who noticed a shocking drop in trapped toilets and shaved cats. Goblins were too busy to make trouble. The goblins even donated excess bulls to humans they called their special friends. Such animals were used for food and leather, and were much appreciated by the poor farmers goblins tended to adopt in this way.
That last part caused a problem. A provincial magistrate of the Dusk Empire found himself deeply in debt after a typhoon caused poor harvests and reduced trade. He heard how the ‘mischievous spirits’ kept small cows in remote parts of his province and would give some away. This was the solution he was looking for! He ordered his soldiers to collect the cattle and slaughter them for meat and hides he could sell.
It didn’t go well.
Goblins guarded their herds jealously. For years they’d been too busy working to place many traps, but they hadn’t stopped inventing new designs. With their cows in danger the goblins trapped anything and everything they could, splattering human soldiers with every imaginable offensive substance. Goblins also snuck into enemy camps to steal weapons, armor, and left shoes. The soldiers never even saw a cow, but they did see an army of goblins gather from across the Dusk Empire. As far as the goblins were concerned, if one herd was taken from them, humans would keep doing it until not a single cow was left. The magistrate called back his men when it was clear he’d failed and might be starting a war.
This ended nothing. Late at night the goblins went to the magistrate’s mansion to personally express their displeasure with him. By the time they were done the entire mansion was filled floor to ceiling with cow dung. Satisfied that they’d made their point, the goblins returned to their wilderness homes, their cows safe.
In many kingdoms such an assault against a high ranking government official would result in a war against the goblins, but leaders in the Dusk Empire are civilized. Many condemned the magistrate for trying to steal the animals. They pointed out that none of their laws applied to only humans, so he was taking farm animals from their right owners. This was cattle rustling, plain and simple. Others pointed out that the mischievous spirits had been relatively quiet for years and provoking them made trouble for everyone. The emperor himself weighed in on the controversy by sending the magistrate a terse note saying only, “What were you thinking?”
And so goblins of the Dusk Empire continue raising cattle and making cheese. It’s too soon to tell if this practice will spread. For now there is peace, with goblins gorging on cheese and looking after hundreds of cows, every last one of them called Bessie.
