Arthur Daigle's Blog - Posts Tagged "goblins-comedy"

Splat was exhausted and covered in sweat, and he’d never been happier. He’d done it. After so much hard work and frustration he’d finally hit the big times. Important people with good reputations had come to him for help!

Tired as he was, he kept running through the dark streets of Nolod’s vast slums. The plan was working like a charm. He just had to reach his new partners and get them moving. Splat ran through puddles and dung piles, making a total mess of his dark blue clothes and covering the shiny buckles on his clothes with filth. When a mugger stepped in his way Splat went around the fellow and shouted, “No time!”

Oh, this was good. Golden, even! When Ibwibble had hired him, Splat had spent hours gathering his goblin mob. That had involved tracking them down, tying them up and dragging them to his hideout. Well, except Mummy and Molly. They’d been eager to join in the fun. An hour long presentation and generous bribes had ensured his followers would actually follow him. Splat had made sure to only kidnap goblins he’d worked with before. They were slow, stupid, disobedient and smelled funny, but they’d won victories in the past and they’d win today.

Splat reached a warehouse loaded with bags of wool and snuck in through a loose board. Inside he found a mob of goblins waiting for him, their leader impatiently tapping his foot.

“Well?” Bub the goblin asked.

“It worked,” Splat gasped. He nearly fell to the floor as he added, “We tracked them down to their base in the dockmaster’s office. There are three in the attack group and another one they’d left behind to guard their stuff. The windows are too small for us to get in and the door’s locked and barred. We can pick the lock, but that bar’s held in place by a peg inside the office.”

Bub frowned. The short, black clad goblin said, “The dockmaster is an important man. He’ll be in his office not long after dawn, so they’re going to leave soon.”

“I’ve got my best goblins watching them,” Splat replied. “If they leave before we get there, they’ll be followed.”

“That won’t help if they escape by boat. We have to move.”

Bub helped steady Splat and they left with Bub’s gang. Goblins on the rise knew about Bub and his tactical assault squad. They weren’t that many of them, but they had a string of victories longer than Splat’s arrest record. You had to respect a goblin like that. When Ibwibble had needed help, he’d hired Bub and then Splat. This would give them the numbers and combat experience to catch these weirdoes spilling everyone’s secrets.

Admittedly Splat’s group was smaller than Bub’s and lacked the cohesion and training of Bub’s followers. But Splat had Molly, the best human impersonator in the world, so good nobody realized she was a goblin. Molly was smart and followed orders, improvising when necessary. Molly never failed.

“The bad guys’ base might be for more than hiding,” Splat told Bub as he led the goblins through Nolod’s alleys and backstreets. Knowing these streets was another strength he had that Bub lacked. “Ibwibble sent word these guys stole papers from the nymph. The dockmaster’s got lots of papers, too.”

“You think they’re hitting two places in one night?”

“They won’t want to stick around here after the beating Calista gave them.”

A goblin nudged Bub and asked, “Righteous Fists of Vengeance?”

“We’re not changing the group’s name,” Bub said firmly. “Splat, what else did Ibwibble say?”

Splat checked a paper delivered to him half an hour ago by a goblin messenger. “One of them is a magician, but he’s weak. They also have alchemic weapons.”

“Then we’ve got to hit them hard and fast, or they could do a lot of damage. Even weak wizards are dangerous.”

“Knights of the Coming Cataclysm?” the other goblin asked Bub.

“I like it,” Splat said.

“Then you take it,” Bub growled. “How far to the dockmaster’s office?”

“Six blocks,” Splat replied. “Seriously, I can take it?”

“It’s yours.” The goblins’ march halted when a towering man cloaking shadows stepped into their way. Bub came to a stop but didn’t show fear. “You want something?”

“You look like one on a mission,” the shadowy man said. “The last time your kind were so driven was nearly the end of Nolod.”

“And?” Splat asked.

“May I watch? It’s been so long since I had quality entertainment.”

Bub rolled his eyes. “Fine, but no getting involved.”

“Perish the thought,” the shadowy man said, and drifted back into the darkness of an alleyway.

“Is this normal for Nolod?” Bub asked Splat.

“Oh please, it gets way weirder than this. You know, he could have helped us. Wouldn’t have taken long to get him interested.”

Bub shook his head. “He could mess things up easy as not. That’s why I don’t work with people I don’t know. Heck, I’m not sure about you and your gang.”

“Hey, we followed these jerks when they ran from the hotel,” Splat said proudly. “We didn’t miss them when they were trying really hard to be sneaky and dropped caltrops to hurt anyone chasing them. Why, we even swept up the caltrops so nobody else would step on them, which was a very civic minded—”

“Yeah, you’re wonderful, now where are the targets?”

“Over there.” Splat pointed at a rectangular building made of cedar at the edge of the docks. There were dozens of ships moored nearby, but at this time of night nobody was around except a few lookouts on the ships making sure nobody tried to steal from them. The building was solidly built and had bars over the narrow windows. There were dim lights on inside, and they saw indistinct shapes moving by the windows.

“Is it starting?” the shadowy man asked. Splat nearly screamed at the stranger’s sudden appearance.

“Yeah, now back up,” Splat said.

“Delighted to. The others and I will give you room to work.”

“Others?” Bub asked. The little goblin slapped a hand over his face when he saw eight men and monsters sitting on a ship’s prow eating popcorn. “Great, we’ve got a crowd watching us.”

“No fear,” Splat told him. He pointed at goblins sneaking around the docks and said, “My guys are here. That means the bad guys are here, too. We can take them.”

Bub frowned. “The door and frame are oak, and those bars are steel. We’re not breaking in there without drawing too much attention from the city guard. We could wait until they come out on their own, but the longer we wait the better the chance they get reinforcements or someone shows up who’ll ruin things for us.”

Splat nodded. “Ship crews could return, and watchmen come by all the time. Don’t worry, I have a foolproof way to get inside.”

A small goblin wrapped head to toe in bandages came out of an empty barrel and scurried over to Splat. “Everyone’s ready.”

“Good work, Mummy. Tell Molly to turn on the waterworks once we’re around the dockmaster’s office.”

Mummy ran off, and Bub said, “Must have been an awful fight.”

“Nah, he’s been like that for years. Come on.”

Splat and Bub led their followers around the sides of the dockmaster’s office, close enough to reach the door in a hurry when it opened. They saw more goblins in the shadows, some sneaking in to join them while others stayed back as a last ditch effort to catch the enemy if they tried to flee. Now that they were next to the building they could hear voices inside. At first the words were too soft to understand, but the volume rose.

“We have to rescue him,” the first voice said. The voice was male, young and angry.

“You lost one man,” a second voice said. He sounded like an older man. “Go after him and you’ll lose more.”

“We don’t abandon our own,” said the first.

“You don’t know where he is,” the second man countered.

“I’ve got spells to—” the first began.

“We don’t have time,” the second man interrupted. “The authorities know we’re here. They know some of what we did. They’ll be looking for us on every ship and every road by morning. If you stop to look for him, you’ll lose all of us. One man or five. Pick.”

“They took him alive. That means they want him to talk. It gives us time to save him.”

“There is no time,” the second man replied, his voice growing louder and angrier. “You knew the day you started this that you could fall to the kings and noblemen and guild masters. There were going to be losses. Up until tonight we were lucky. He knew that, too. He won’t talk. If they force him to, we’ll be long gone before anything he says could matter. Respect the sacrifice he’s made. The truth matters more than we do. You said so yourself.”

Splat looked to Bub, who shrugged. Whatever this was about was beyond the goblins.

“We don’t have enough people to squander them!” the first man yelled.

“Be quiet or we’re dead,” the second man replied. “He’s gone, Anton, and nothing we can do is going to get him back. We lost a man and completed the mission. It’s a bad win, but it’s a win.”

“It’s not a win,” a third man said.

Anton, the first man, asked, “What?”

“I read the nymph’s letters,” the third man explained. “There’s nothing scandalous here. She wrote boring letters to friends and fellow professors. That’s it. She wasn’t hiding anything from anyone. The only thing I can find close to a truth is that Lord Bryce made lewd statements about her I’m certain aren’t true and she might sue him for it. That’ll come to light on its own.”

“But, but she’s a nymph,” Anton, said. “Everyone knows what nymphs are like.”

“A pity no one told her that, because she sounds as pure as freshly fallen snow,” the third man replied. “I copied shipping manifests from the dockmaster’s files. There might be something interesting here, but as for the nymph, she’s only got the stars and planets on her mind.”

“We could imply there’s something here,” the older man said. “Tell people the nymph’s been writing letters and let them come to their own conclusions.”

“No!” Anton yelled. The older man tried to speak, but Anton didn’t give him a chance. “We are dedicated to revealing the truth! No secrets, no lies. If we lie to the people, even once, they’ll never trust us again. The money, the risks, the friends and family members who turned their backs on us, all that pain and loss will be for nothing.”

Just then a small girl ran across to the dockmaster’s office. Bub gasped, not sure how a child could be out at such an hour in this dangerous city. The girl waved to Splat, who waved back, and she headed to the building’s door.

“What the…get her out of here,” Bub ordered.

“Relax, that’s Molly,” Splat assured him. “Most people think she’s a girl.”

“She is a girl,” Bub hissed. “You can’t be this stupid.”

Molly knocked on the door. “Mommy, I’m home.”

“Who is that?” Anton asked. His voice betrayed panic.

“Wow, you’re falling for it, too”, Splat told Bub.

“Mommy, please open the door,” Molly said. “I’m sorry I’m late, mommy. I won’t do it again.”

“That’s definitely a girl,” Bub said angrily.

“Send her away,” Anton said. Louder, he called out, “This isn’t your house.”

“Mommy!” Molly wailed. “Please, mommy, I’m cold and scared, and something smells funny! Like old poo!”

“Molly’s acting,” Splat said. “I’ve never met a human impersonator that good, and I’m proud to have her.”

“She’s drawing attention to us,” the older man said. “Get her inside and give her some food. We’ll leave her by a watch house when we go.”

“This is our chance,” Splat told Bub. “Get ready.”

“You and I are going to talk when this is over,” Bub grumbled.

The door opened and the goblins raced into action. Molly smiled sweetly at the black clad men, keeping their attention on her just long enough for them to miss the onrush of goblins until it was too late. Bub jammed a rock into the doorframe, making it impossible to close the door, and goblins ran inside. The first few goblins slipped around the shocked men before Splat grabbed the older man around the waist and pulled his pants down to his ankles. Mummy charged in and pushed the older man, tipping him over.

Bub led his tactical assault squad with military precision, swarming one of the men and pulling him to the ground. Two down, two left. Bad luck, one of them was the wizard. The wizard chanted and waved his hands, forming a shield of ice that hovered in front of him. Goblins threw rocks that bounced off the ice shield. One goblin charged the wizard, only for the shield to shove him backwards. Bub saw the other man pull a terracotta bottle from a pouch on his belt and lifted it to throw.

Thinking fast, Bub grabbed a chair from the dockmaster’s office and hurled it at the guy’s legs. It was a good hit and the man dropped the bottle. It shattered when it hit the floor, releasing a blast of flames at the wizard’s feet.
The wizard turned his shield to defend himself from the fiery blast. It protected him but melted away. Bub charged the wizard and kicked him in the shin. The wizard yelped and jumped up and down before Splat and Mummy tackled him. The last man who’d used the alchemic firebomb tried to shove goblins out of the way to escape, but overwhelming numbers dragged him down.

It was almost a clean sweep when the older man got up and knocked aside three goblins. Bub ran at him as the man tried to pull up his trousers. Bub grabbed the back of his pants and pulled them back down, only for the man to step out of his pants and run off, dressed in black from the waist up and wearing white and red polka dot boxers below the belt. The older man fled into the night, punching and kicking goblins that ran at him from alleys.

“Do we go after him?” a goblin asked Bub.

“These three could get away while we’re chasing him,” Bub said. “Tie them up and get them out of here before anyone shows up.”

“Great work, everyone,” Splat told the goblins he’d corralled into working with him. “Double shares of cheese for everyone!”

“Double?” Molly asked. Splat nodded, and Molly jumped up and down squealing.

Bub scowled and marched up to Molly. “I have to know, exactly who and what are you?”

* * * * *

“You’re sure you’re a girl?” Splat asked Molly.

“Mmm hmm.” Molly walked home with Splat at her side. She was as happy as could be going back to her family with her arms loaded with cheese. Sure, Nolod’s streets were never safe, but it was almost morning, and she wasn’t far from home. Besides, last night’s battle had been loud enough that nearby troublemakers were keeping their heads down. But just to be sure Splat was staying with her. The rest of his gang had wandered off, leaving the two of them alone.

“I mean really sure?”

“Yes.”

“Mind blown. I thought you were joking when you said you were a girl.”

“I wasn’t.” Molly wasn’t at all bothered by Splat’s confusion. The goblin rubbed his forehead and gave Molly a curious glance.

Splat squinted and then shook his head.
“I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years. What am I supposed to do? You’re the most capable goblin in my gang and you’re not a goblin!”

Molly looked at Splat and said, “You could get people who aren’t goblins on purpose. I bet oodles of people would want to be your friend. You’re nice and you keep your word.”

Splat nearly passed out from shock. “I’m nice?”

“Sure you are! You gave me all this cheese. My family will have lots to eat because of you.”

Just then the shadowy man drifted overhead, laughing hysterically before he vanished into the night. Anywhere else that would be cause for concern, but in Nolod this was almost commonplace. You weren’t allowed to live in this city if you couldn’t deal with the bizarre on a weekly basis.

Splat gripped the sides of his head with both hands. “Me nice. What’s the world coming to? Molly, I’ve got to hand it to you, you had me fooled. You know, you’re good at this.”

“Thank you!”

“I mean really good. You’re an expert at fooling people. Have you considered going into theater? Or politics? You’re good enough to be Nolod’s first lady prime minister.”

Molly gasped. “Really?”

“You bet. He can trick lots of people lots of the time, but every so often he screws up. But you? You never miss a beat. Honestly, I could learn a thing or two from you.”

“Molly!” The scream caught Splat and Molly by surprise. A woman ran across the street and scooped up the girl. “Oh, precious child! You scared the life half out of me! Where have you been all night?”

“Hi mommy! I was working for Mister Splat,” Molly said proudly. She held up the thick wedge of cheese and added, “Look how much he paid me!”

A man wearing old and worn clothes ran up alongside the woman. He wasn’t the biggest or strongest man Splat had ever seen, but the look of outrage on his face would have given a dragon pause. Splat backed up and said, “And she deserves every crumb. Ha, ha, ah nuts. You’re not going to believe this, but it was all a misunderstanding, and I can guarantee that—”

Splat ran for his life with Molly’s father three steps behind. This wouldn’t be the first time Splat had barely escaped death, but it was hardest he’d ever had to work to earn it.

It was early morning as Brody, Habbly and Ibwibble stood outside a small farm shed near Nolod, waiting patiently for things to get started. Waiting wasn’t a goblin strong point, as they were apt to wander off after anything that caught their attention, but these three were abnormally focused for their kind. Still there was only so much you could expect from goblins, and their conversation had drifted into total insanity.

“I’m glad we’re out of those black outfits,” Brody said.

“Yeah, they’re fashion nightmares,” Ibwibble agreed. “We’re lucky nobody mistook us for ninjas and tried to shoot us.”

Brody frowned. “That’s a normal reaction to seeing a ninja?”

“It’s unfair,” Ibwibble admitted, “but it only takes one ninja to mess things up for everybody. A merchant ship shows up with a ninja hiding in the cargo hold, he gets out and then it’s nonstop ninja magic and throwing stars. If you don’t roust them out the second they set foot in your city soon they’re everywhere, building dojos, having late night gravity defying martial arts battles with other ninja clans, and leaving piles of droppings everywhere.”

“You’re making this up.”

Ibwibble crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve been in eight cities that have laws saying shoot all ninjas. Nolod is one of them, but it’s too late. The first ninja showed up eight months ago and now they’ve got five ninja clans.”

“That’s a massive overpopulation,” Habbly said.

“They’ll fight it out until there’s only one clan, which will have a schism and break into two,” Ibwibble said. He paused and looked more closely at Habbly. “Why are you carrying a mop?”

“The way things are going I figured I needed a weapon, and I’ve had good luck with mops.”

“You didn’t have one during our stakeout,” Brody pointed out.

“You don’t bring a mop on a stakeout,” Habbly said. “It’s common knowledge.”

“That explains why I never heard it,” Brody replied. “Somehow I only learn uncommon knowledge. Where is the secret entrance to a pocket dimension, who leads the Night Knights, what the Hokey Pokey is really all about. It never helped me.”

Habbly glanced at the shed. “Mighty quiet in there. I was expecting yelling, or at least quality groveling from our prisoner.”

“Julius isn’t talking to the guy,” Brody explained. “He’s just standing there, staring at him. Not sure if he’s waiting to see if we get more prisoners before interrogating them or if this is part of the interrogation.”

“Is this normal for him?” Habbly asked.

“Don’t know,” Brody replied. “Usually he hands guys like this over to the authorities and lets them deal with it, but that’s when he doesn’t need them to answer questions. Kinda worried this could get ugly.”

“You don’t think he’d…you know.” Habbly asked hesitantly.

“Julius isn’t like that. I’m worried the prisoners are some kind of revolutionaries. He and I ran into guys like that not long ago. You know, die rather than think things through.”

“I’ve never understood that about humans,” Ibwibble said. “Honestly, some days they don’t have the brains God gave to soap bubbles.”

All three tensed when they heard rustling in the woods near the shed, but it was only the farm owner, an older man named Richard. “How are things going?”

“Still waiting,” Brody told him.

“Is this going to take much longer? I mean, I don’t mind Julius using my shed, what with him being a hero and all, but I need a shovel from in there.”

“I’ll get it.” Brody opened the shed’s door and grabbed the farmer’s shovel.

“Send help!” the prisoner yelled.

“Not happening.” Brody shut the door and handed the shovel over. Richard nodded and left, bumping into Bub and his tactical assault squad arriving with three more prisoners.

“Shimmering Swords of Solace?” one of Bub’s goblins asked.

“No.” Bub left the bound and gagged men at Ibwibble’s feet. “There was an older guy with these losers but he got away. I think he was a co-leader or second in command. The young one is called Anton and he’s a wizard. More of a threat to himself than anyone else.”

“Hmph!” the gagged young man said.

“Zip it, Merlin,” Bub told the wizard. “The next one likes alchemic weapons including firebombs. We disarmed him. The last one is totally useless. We think he’s freeloading off the ones who actually do something.”

“Mmm,” their last prisoner whimpered.

“The truth hurts,” Bub told him. “That’s our end of the deal completed. We’ll be in Nolod for a while longer if you have another job, but I am not working with that idiot Splat ever again.”

“You did good,” Ibwibble told Bub. “Are any of them tax collectors?”

“I doubt it,” Bub said as he led his goblins away. “They’re too useless for that.”

“Right, let’s get them inside,” Ibwibble said. He, Habbly and Brody dragged their prisoners into the shed, where they found the man they’d already captured last night and Julius Craton.

“Take off the wizard’s gag,” Julius ordered. Brody pulled the gag off, and the wizard glared at the goblin. Julius tapped the wizard with his foot to get his attention. “My name is Julius Craton of the Guild of Heroes. Hundreds of innocent people were almost killed because of you. Thousands of guilders worth of property was destroyed. Bad as it was, it was nearly much, much worse.

“I need you to understand the harm you’ve done, not just in that incident but across multiple kingdoms. The information you’ve spread has ruined people’s reputations, closed businesses and resulted in serious injuries. Your victims number in the thousands. Tonight proved you got that information by stealing it. You’re thieves.”

“We’re freeing the people from secrets and lies!’ Anton yelled. “You and the other so-called leaders have blinded us for generations, holding back the truth while you profit and live better than the common man. That’s over. We’re opening the eyes of the oppressed, showing them how corrupt their leaders are. Your days are numbered, oppressor. Your kind will be cast down by the masses!”

“Excuse me, I need a rake,” Richard asked from outside the shed.

Ibwibble grabbed a rake and handed it to the farmer.

“The irony of a secret society being against secrets isn’t lost on me,” Julius countered. “You live in the shadows, nameless and faceless up until today while criticizing others for holding back private information.”

“No, this is the leaf rake,” Richard said. “I need the bow rake.”

“How many rakes does this guy have?” Brody asked.

“I count five,” Habbly replied.

Julius held up a handful of leaflets covered in writing. “I’ve seen the secrets you exposed. Most of this is harmless or personal matters. It’s gossip mongering.”

“The people deserve to know!” Anton yelled.

“The private business dealings of a vineyard?” Brody asked. “That some mayor has gambling debts? This isn’t exposing injustices, it’s junk.”

Anton’s defiance melted. “We’re working on it.”

“Yes, by stealing mail from an astronomer,” Julius replied.

Red faced, Anton replied, “We thought she was…you know.”

“In a relationship with a man?” Julius asked.
“She’s allowed to be in love! There’s no reason she should be ashamed of that.”

Brody tugged on Julius’ leg. “I think he meant in a relationship with a married man.”

Julius glared at Anton, who said, “She’s a nymph. Everyone knows what they’re like.”

Julius stared at Anton for a second before grabbing him by the collar, lifting him up and slamming him into the nearest wall. “No, I don’t know what they’re all like! I don’t judge an entire race by what some of their members do! And for someone claiming to represent the truth, you’re awfully confident making prejudice statements with no evidence to back them up!”

“Negative evidence,” Brody said. Everyone looked at him, and he explained, “Her letters are as boring as dry toast.”

“We, ah, just found that out,” Anton said nervously. “We weren’t going to print any of that.”

Julius let Anton slid back to the floor. “Four kingdoms have posted bounties on the people posting your scandal rags. I’m going to turn you over to one of them and you’ll face justice for your crimes. None of these kingdoms have the death penalty, but you spend years doing socially useful labor. Nothing you can do or say will change that fact.

“What you can do is determine whether I testify that you’re repentant and helped clean up the mess you made. That goes a long way to decide how long you’re imprisoned and what the conditions will be like. Not everyone is going to make this offer, and it’s only good for today. The choice is yours.”

Anton looked down at the floor, and when he stared into Julius’ eyes the defiance was back in full force. “There is no choice. I won’t help you undo the good we’ve done. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The Truth Seekers are divided into independent cells. The second other cell leaders learn we were captured, they’ll change all their plans, abandon their safe houses and continue their jobs. What little we knew about them will be useless. You stopped us, but the movement will go on.”

“Chuckles here can’t have too many people on board with his brand of stupid,” Ibwibble said. “I figure we’ve got at most thirty more idiots to round up.”

“It wasn’t easy finding this bunch,” Brody said. “We’ll need all year to get them.”

“My schedule is wide open,” Julius replied, “and if that time and effort means one more city doesn’t face destruction then it’s worth the time.”

“What are you talking about, face destruction?” Anton asked.

Julius was about to answer him when there was a knock on the door. Richard said, “Don’t mean to intrude, but I think we may have a problem.”

Julius and the goblins headed outside, where Richard pointed at the sky. A large white cloud was moving against the wind, pushing aside other clouds in its way and heading straight for them.

“Incoming wizard, and I don’t think he’s with Anton and his circus of idiots,” Ibwibble said.

“Why not?” Habbly asked.

“You need gobs of power to make a magic cloud that big,” Ibwibble replied. “If they had anyone that strong, why didn’t they use him a long time ago? Nah, that’s somebody else who wants Anton’s hide.”

“Run,” Julius told Richard. The farmer ran for his life as Julius and his friends spread out. “I’ve no idea who this is. Diplomacy might work, so watch your words.”

The cloud descended and began to spiral, forming a whirlwind twenty feet across. An old man wearing blue and white robes and carrying a wood staff stepped out of the cloud, as did a goblin with orange hair and red skin. The whirlwind lifted into the sky but didn’t weaken as the man marched to the farm shed.

“Pardon our interruption,” the old man began. “I am Archibald Scrace, member of the Archivists. This is Yips, who I have been unable to dissuade from following me.”

“Got any aardvarks?” Yips asked.

“Sorry, fresh out,” Ibwibble told him.

“You have in your custody four young men who were once members of my order,” Archibald continued. “They have broken their sacred vows and done considerable damage. I have come to collect them and ensure they do no further harm.”

They heard Anton call out from inside the shed, “How did you find me, old man?”

“Your defensive spells against scrying must be renewed frequently, an impossible task when you are tied up. Those spells failed early this morning, and I was able to find you.” Archibald looked like a peaceful and contemplative man under most circumstances, but there was a hardness to his voice when he added, “There is a high price to pay for the oaths you broke. I mean to see you pay in full.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t hand them over,” Julius said. “These men call themselves Truth Seekers, and there are more of them. I need answers from them to stop their damage from spreading further, and local authorities have an equal right to see them face justice.”

“Can we agree to share them?” Brody asked. “You take two, we take two and everyone walks away happy.”

“The information they know about the Archivists is dangerous,” Archibald replied. “I cannot risk them revealing those secrets to secure their freedom. Countless lives and treasured knowledge are at risk.”

“Secrets?” Anton yelled. “You mean like—”

Anton’s words turned into a stream of gibberish meaningless in every language. The young wizard laughed and said, “Oh, your precious secrets are safe, you fraud. The spells keeping us from ever telling another soul what you’ve learned are too strong for us to break.”

“But not too strong for others to break,” Archibald replied. “The danger remains. Forgive me, sir, but I must insist on reclaiming these traitors to our order. I’m aware of your name and reputation, Julius Craton, and that of your goblin associates. I wish you no harm, especially after the good you’ve done, but I am leaving with Anton and his fellow turncoats.”

Yips gazed into the sky and said, “That’s no aardvark.”

“Eh?” Archibald asked. Yips pointed at a granite pillar of rock fifty feet tall flying through the sky toward them. Archibald cast a spell and glowing words appeared in front of them. He scowled and said, “That’s Dominus Quake of the Inspired, a wizard of the foulest kind. He must not take Anton. Everyone, prepare yourself.”

The pillar picked up speed and rammed point first into the soft ground. It shattered and fragments of granite flew across the landscape, but they suddenly stopped and rotated around the man who’d hidden inside the pillar. He wore a mix of white and black clothes, with a wood staff in his right hand and glowing pebbles rotating around his left hand. The left side of his face was covered in an expensive silver mask molded to look like a twin to the handsome right side of his face.

“I do hope you won’t mind me being fashionably late, but I only sensed the stripling wizard this morning,” Dominus said casually. “I’ve been looking for him and his fellows for weeks. Dreadfully annoying. Give him to me or I’ll grind your bones into powder.”

“Never,” Archibald said.

Julius drew his sword Sworn Doom. “Brody, untie the prisoners and get them out of here.”
“But we just caught them!”

“I can’t defend them and fight this wizard at the same time. We let them go, we watch them die or we let that monster take them.”

“Too much talking,” Dominus said. “You die now.”

Dominus uttered arcane words and made strange gestures, casting a spell that made the shattered rocks rotating around him shoot forward, their razor sharp edges slicing through tall grass and small trees. The stony cloud of death had nearly reached them when Archibald ordered the whirlwind he’d created to drop from the sky. It sucked up the rocks and spat them back at Dominus, but the whirlwind broke apart under the effort

“Clever boy,” Dominus said. A wave of his hand scattered the rocks before they hit him. “I didn’t think you a threat, bookworm.”

Julius charged Dominus, covering the distance between them in seconds. Dominus caused the ground under Julius’ feet to rise ten feet. Julius kept his balance and jumped down at Dominus. Sworn Doom glowed and yelled, “Doom!”

Another pillar of rock and earth rose up in front of Dominus to shield him from the blade. Dominus’ snide smirk disappeared when Sworn Doom hacked through the pillar. Dominus raised his staff, and it glowed nearly as bright as Sworn Doom before the ground erupted around him like an explosion. The blast threw Julius back but didn’t do enough damage to stop him, and he rose to his feet.
Brody ran to the shed to save their prisoners. Anton and the other three men screamed in abject terror as they struggled against their bonds. Brody had nearly reached them when Dominus cast another spell. A wall of dirt rose up around the shed and encased it.

“No one’s leaving,” Dominus taunted. “No one’s surviving. You all just die.”

Archibald began chanting to cast his own spell. There was no immediate effect, and Dominus laughed. “Running out of power so soon, fool? I was almost convinced you-Betty stitched a border, yellow, red then white. If everything’s in order, everything’s all right. Betty stitched a-curse you, you-border, yellow, red then white.”

“What’s happening?” Brody asked.

“He’s messing with his head,” Habbly told him. “Dominus can’t cast a spell when the Archivist is forcing him to say gibberish.”

Julius recovered quickly and charged Dominus. The evil wizard dodged Julius’ sword swing, but the hero still managed to ram his right shoulder into Dominus’ stomachs and knock him over. Julius raised his sword for a swing that would kill the evil wizard, but Dominus pointed his left hand and the tiny glowing pebbles shot out and hit Julius in the chest. Two of the tiny rocks hit and exploded, throwing Julius back and cutting deep grooves in his chest plate.

“Betty stitched a border,” Dominus said as he stood up and aimed his left hand at Archibald. Pebbles around his hand flew as fast as arrows, too fast for the old man to avoid. Yips grabbed Archibald and pulled him away, saving his life but breaking his concentration. Dominus scowled and yelled, “Those tremor stones cost me a hundred gold coins, and I wasted them on an idiot like you! You’ll die for that, paper pusher.”

Dominus cast another spell and rocks flew together to form a crude stone man twenty feet tall. The stone man marched toward Julius while the evil wizard turned his attention toward Archibald. “You’re so pathetic you needed a goblin to save you. At least two of those wretched creatures were smart enough to run, unlike you. I’ll—”

Habbly and Ibwibble had run, but only into dense brush that covered their approach to Dominus. The pair leapt from the grass and ran the last few feet to the evil wizard. Dominus looked shocked, and then screamed in pain when Habbly struck him in the shins with his mop handle. Ibwibble grabbed onto Dominus’ staff and chewed on it, gnawing out a chunk of wood and spitting it out. Dominus shoved Ibwibble off and screamed a spell.

The ground shook and Dominus rose into the sky on a thirty foot tall pillar of dirt and rocks. He had a perfect view of the battlefield, where Julius hacked a leg off the stone man attacking him. Archibald had recovered and began chanting again. Then Dominus saw Brody dig through the dirt that entombed the farm shed and open the door.

“No one claims my prize!” Dominus howled. The pillar of rocks and dirt bet over to form an arch and set him next to the shed. A wave of his hand made the dirt around the shed convulse and rip the small building open to reveal the screaming prisoners. He shoved Brody aside and grabbed Anton by the throat with his right hand. “You know where the Dawn Lanter is! Tell me or I’ll bury you fifty feet underground!”

Anton’s expression changed from terror to confusion. “I, I have no idea.”

“Liar!” Dominus pulled a sheet of paper from a pocket with his left hand and shoved it into Anton’s face. “You tempt me with hints! Where it was weeks ago! Places it might have gone and people who might have seen it! No more of these infuriating clues! Where is it right now? Tell me before I—Betty stitched a border, yellow, red then white. If everything’s in—not this again!”

Dominus dropped Anton and spun around. He saw Archibald chanting again and Julius hacking an arm off the stone man. The stone man struggled to fight with two limbs missing, and a savage blow to its head ended the battle. With it dead, if it had ever truly been alive, Julius ran at Dominus with Habbly, Ibwibble and Yips following him. Dominus struggled to cast a spell and gave up in frustration when his arcane words of power were replaced with nonsensical gibberish. Instead the evil wizard pulled a glittering wand from a pocket.

“No!” Dominus spun around at the sharp cry as Brody grabbed the wand with both hands. Neither the goblin or the wizard were strong enough to win this struggle, but Brody didn’t have to win. Every second brought Julius closer, and if Dominus couldn’t cast spells or use his wand there was nothing the evil wizard could do to fight back. Snarling, Dominus let go of the wand and ran off.

“Betty stitched a border!” Dominus yelled as he fled. He went another ten feet before shouting, “Yellow, red then—curse you, you ignorant fool! You delay the inevitable, nothing more!”

Julius had nearly caught up with Dominus when the evil wizard cast a spell and caused rocks to form a stone pillar around him. The pillar shot into the sky and flew off, leaving Julius, Archibald and the goblins victorious.

“His brain got better fast,” Habby said.

Archibald walked up alongside the goblin and said, “My confusion spell has a short range. Once he was far enough away, he was free of it. We should count ourselves lucky he didn’t bring allies, or we would surely have died.”

“Cheerful, aren’t you?” Ibwibble said. He coughed up a piece of Dominus’ staff and added, “What’s he want the lantern for? And what made him think whatshisface had it? That twerp is lucky he has socks.”

Brody picked up a sheet of paper off the ground and held it up for the others to see. “He dropped this when he ran off. ‘It says no secrets! Your leaders are keeping the truth from you!”

“That’s a lot of exclamation points,” Yips said as he rejoined Archibald. “Can I have one?”

Brody kept reading aloud, saying, “The Archivists are seeking the Dawn Lantern, one of the fifty most powerful magic items on Other Place. They believe it to be in Ocean View Kingdom, Forthosia or in the city states of Nolod or Cronsword.”

“I didn’t write that,” Anton said. He sounded stunned. “There were rumors, but we couldn’t confirm anything. It was hearsay. I never wrote that! It’s a lie!”