Rustin Petrae's Blog

I decided to start a new segment on my blog. I call it Another Face in the Crowd because to the larger world, that's really what I am....

Over the past couple of years, I've been able to write a few short stories. I've decided to collect them into one new book titled, SINS. Each story featured represents one of the 7 Deadly Sins but I did not say or explain which story was inspired by their respective sin. I thought it would be fun for readers to try and guess so if you got one, I'd love it. Some of them, I feel, are obvious but others might not be. We'll see, I suppose. Anyways, enjoy these new stories of mine and I hope you have fun reading them!

SINS features seven original short stories from author Rustin Petrae (Histories of Purga Novels, The Bane Pack Novels, and IndestructiblePAST). The theme of this collection is the seven deadly sins. Each story in this collection has been inspired in some way by one of the seven deadly sins. Can you guess which sin inspired each story?

The Many Lives of Nathaniel Reed: A boy undergoes a mysterious Test that all children must take. The only thing any child is told in regards to it are the words, “It is necessary.”

JUSTICE: One man finds himself eating dinner over and over again with his past victims. All the while, a beeping sound can be heard.

Both Sides of the Same Coin: After a violent attack, a man’s recovery is in jeopardy after he is constantly bombarded with strange nightmares.

Heaven’s Ruling on Zeke Archer: Zeke is a troubled man fighting with a literal psycho. The only problem is, the psycho is locked inside his head with him, constantly fighting for control of their shared body.

Enjoy these stories & more, in Rustin Petrae’s newest collection of short stories.

Get the ebook, hardback, and paperback version now at Amazon!

https://a.co/d/dIF9NKx - ebook

https://a.co/d/6xVgPPa - hardback

https://a.co/d/9WVq0qE - paperback

And remember, please like, share, and comment! I would also encourage everyone to please leave a rating and review.

Thank you,

Rustin Petrae

The Histories of Purga Novels comes to a close with the final installment, Chaos. This has been a series over a decade in the making and being done with it is very bittersweet. I want to thank everyone for sticking with me and for everyone that has enjoyed the world of Purga, its characters, the highs and lows, and everything in between. As I move forward in my writing journey, I start my next series called Avalon. Stay tuned!

Blak spent endless time in the empty. The void. The dark place. He was banished there by the Sentinels. but he only bided his time. He gathered his strength and waited for when he would be set free.

That time is now.

Blak has regained his full strength and now Purga is in danger of being completely overrun and destroyed. Both of the great nations, the Rooks and the Terraquois, are all but decimated. The few survivors of both peoples must now pull their remaining armies together. Without a unified force, the peoples of Purga cannot hope to defeat the evil, chaotic, and god-like being.

Keiara has spent her entire life dreaming about adventure and Purga. Of seeing the entirety of her world. Rone has always gone out of his way to help those that needed it. Even to the point where he would risk his position and even his life. Niku lives and breathes to test his might against the strongest foes he can find. These are the traits that set these three apart and marked them as the ones prophesized. The Prince. The Savior. The One Born of Both Worlds.

Now, they must find a way to fully harness the powers of the Sentinels they command, and bring everyone together in a final, titanic battle to defeat an ancient evil.

Get the ebook, hardback, and paperback version now at Amazon!

https://a.co/d/gAN1K9Y - ebook

https://a.co/d/dduqaJ8 - hardback

https://a.co/d/0sSlJhe - paperback

And remember, please like, share, and comment! I would also encourage everyone to please leave a rating and review.

Thank you,

Rustin Petrae

At long last, the conclusion to Kendra and the Bane Pack's story is here. I want to personally thank everyone who reached out and inquired about this book's release. That was so encouraging to me, it goes beyond words. It really lit a fire under me to finish the trilogy. I hope that everyone who reads it enjoys it. I certainly enjoyed going on the adventure (despite the times when frustration and aggravation took over). There were some unfortunate delays that prolonged Blood Ties: The Third's release, one of them being going back to college to get my bachelor's degree. I'm also glad to say that I graduated (with honors) and now have more time to devote to writing.

Blood Ties: The Third

Kendra has been emotionally shattered following the death of her boyfriend, Conor Dewar. Her pack is suffering everyday from the emotions that trickle down from her to them. She has given up the fight and wants nothing to do with leading werewolves or fighting vampires. Everything feels so hopeless. In an effort to help her, Alrich decides to tell her his story.

Things don't exactly go to plan, however, when the Old One decides to intervene. He weaves a spell but Kendra’s eyes flash with cold, white light. The next second, both her and Alrich are gone. Disappeared into thin air.

In Remember, Alrich tries to help Kendra but the Old One steps in and things end up going wrong. One second, Kendra is in her bed and the next, she's stuck in a situation involving a mysterious mage and a fire dog.

In Loss, the Bane Pack is in a life or death struggle as the powerful vampire horde closes in and attacks. The protective shielding from the Old One has collapsed and Kendra finally steps back in to fight.

In Shade, Kendra is broken and her pack is suffering. To make matters worse, she starts seeing Conor’s ghost everywhere.

In End, Kendra finally comes face to face with Bendis in an all or nothing fight for not only her life, but the lives of everyone she loves.

Finish the story of the Bane Pack in Blood Ties: The Third.

Buy the ebook or paperback now on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09SFQ3F8Q?notRedirectToSDP=1&ref_=dbs_mng_calw_2&storeType=ebooks

And remember, please like, share, and comment! I would also encourage everyone to please leave a rating and review.

Thank you,

Rustin Petrae

Proelia's Beginnings -

Proelia started as a sport/game inside the world of Avalon, a novel series I am in the process of writing. Since being an author and an artist are extremely important to me, Proelia was the natural choice as my senior exhibition project. It afforded me the ability to just create, which is something that I found I really love doing. I got to create an entire game and I am extremely proud of how it turned out.

I started with a general list of rules. Once I was satisfied with them (and had gotten some great feedback from some people in the industry), I created a spreadsheet.

The spreadsheet was where I organized all of the different cards I would need and their various abilities, energy costs, spectrums, and more. It also helped me keep track of which cards were finished and if the card art was made.

Once that was done, I started sketching out some of the art I would need for the sprites (the figures that players move across the board). After the sketches were done, I would take them into Adobe Illustrator and create line art for them that would then be laser etched onto pieces of wood that would later become the sprite figure itself.

Below is some of the art I created for the sprite figures.

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And this is a picture of what the sprite figures look like (digitally). The inside design is the etching from the laser while the outside line is the cut line. It shows the figure itself along with its designated element it is aligned with.

After the laser etching and cutting, the sprite figures looked like the examples below:

Proelia's Gameplay -

Proelia is a hybrid of a gameboard (called the arena in the game), sprite figures, and special cards used to attack each other. Each sprite comes with their own card that outlines their stats and their special attack and defensive abilities. In addition to these, players can use other cards called spell cards to directly attack opponents and trap cards that players can use to halt or stall an opponent's progress. The goal of the game is to use your sprites to eliminate your opponent's sprites. The player with at least one remaining sprite is the winner.

For the game, I designed a rule book that comes with it. It goes into more depth and detail on what I just described. Below is the cover and first page of that.

And this is the arena itself that players travel across to attack each other.

Below are some examples of the cards I designed to go with the game. A good majority of the art on the sprite cards was done by my long time friend, artist/illustrator Fredrick Allison Jr (@art.of.fredrick). He did an amazing job and his artwork looks great. I also had my niece, Cianna Petrae, create artwork for the Book of Spells trap card. I created the art for the spell cards, the trap cards, and five of the sprite cards. I also created the designs for each card, the logo, element icons, the arena/gameboard, and all marketing/retail/promotional materials.

The game I designed for my senior project also came with player and roster docks. These are boards where players can keep their cards and sprites organized. The retail version I developed that people can actually buy does not come with these, however. Here is an example of what those look like.

In addition to the physical pieces I created for the game, I also decided to add a little something more for my exhibit so I made these posters. These will be hung up on the wall next to the game itself. Each one is 12" x 18."

I ended up really enjoying this game and how it came out. When I was looking for vendors to print and produce the cards, I came across the company, The Game Crafter. It is a great place to get your idea made and I found out they actually give game designers the ability to sell their game right on their website. With that in mind, I decided to create a retail version of my game that people can actually go and purchase. The retail version is called The Fire v. Shadow Beginner's Kit. It gives you three fire sprites and three shadow sprites (each with their respective cards) and a very nice gameboard to play on. There is also a variety of spell and trap cards that come with it. Here are some of the retail designs I created for the game.

Proelia became such an obsession for me this semester. It was incredibly exhilarating to create a game completely from scratch. Along the way, I had a lot of help. I would like to thank Fredrick Allison Jr for creating a good majority of the sprite cards for me. I also want to thank my niece, Cianna as well. She did such a great job with the Book of Spells card. I also want to thank Kara Greenfield, Eli Beard, and Anthony Kizer for their invaluable assistance with their feedback on the game itself and letting me know what was working and what needed some improvement. I appreciate all the help you each gave me.

And here are some images from the exhibit itself. It is currently installed the OSU Urban Arts Space in downtown Columbus.

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Proelia was an extremely fun project to work on and one that I will be continuing to work on in the future. I will be adding booster sprite packs along with continuing to develop and work on the gameplay.

Rustin Petrae

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For the last couple of months, I have been working really hard on my senior project for my upcoming graduation from The Ohio State University. I am really excited to bring some of the progress to everyone here and now. Here's a little back history on my project. It is called Proelia and it is a tabletop game played with figures (called sprites in the game) that you move across the gameboard. Players maneuver their sprites across the board in order to attack opponent sprites. The player with the most (or at least one) surviving sprite is the winner.

Proelia is a game I invented based off a sport/game of the same name from a fantasy series called Avalon I am currently in the process of writing. In my newest series, Proelia is a popular game played by most of the population, from adults to kids. In my books, players actually conjure elemental sprites and battle each other until the other teams' sprites are eliminated.

The motivation, or inspiration, for wanting to create Proelia comes from my time spent at OSU. For most of the big projects I was required to do for each class I took, I wanted to bring these worlds I create further and further into the real world. In one case, I created automata statues based off my Histories of Purga series. In another class, I created an animation based on my Bane Pack series. In my photography class, I created illustrations of my characters and pasted them onto the pictures I captured - quite literally putting them into the real world. In essence, I drew excessively on these fantasy worlds of my own making and so, for my last and final project, I wanted to do that again. Hence, Proelia and making it a real, playable game that people can enjoy.

The pictures above outline the various rules to Proelia and there is also a pic of the cover art for it. As of right now, I am excited to say that the game's various elements have all been completed. At the beginning of this week, I received the rule book as well as all the different cards I had made from the professionals at The Game Crafter. I have also completed all the wooden pieces that I was able to laser cut at school. This would be all the sprite figures as well as the game board itself.

As of right now my last remaining focus, is to create a version of the game that people can actually buy via The Game Crafter's website. So stay tuned! It's nearly completed. I feel really excited for this game. With amazing art from the talented Fredrick Allison Jr (@art.of.fredrick), the awesome Cianna Petrae (@cosmiccheerios), as well as myself, I feel really optimistic about the game's future.

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For my senior exhibit project, I decided to bring a game/sport I created for a novel series I am writing called Avalon into the world as a real, playable game. A little backstory on the Avalon series that I created. In it, magic suddenly returns to the world after thousands of years of being gone. In the beginning there is war and chaos as humanity develops magical abilities. When the dust settles, the world has been divided up into a dozen different kingdoms. The greatest of them is the Kingdom of Avalon. Proelia is a popular sport played by the characters in my story. In it, players must conjure 5 "sprites" that they use to battle the other player's/team's sprites. The winner is the player/team that completely eliminates all other sprites using a variety of magical attacks and direct attacks from their own sprites.

One of my favorite things to do is to bring elements of my stories into the real world, whether that be through tshirt designs, mugs, stickers, etc. With my Avalon series, I wanted to adapt the concept of Proelia to be a playable game in the real world. To do this, I made it a hybrid game that uses a board along with different cards, spell cards, trap cards, and "sprites" that is moved across the board.

More on Proelia:

About the Game: Proelia is a fantasy tabletop game based on a sport of the same name from my fantasy book series called Avalon. I wanted to take something I created for my books and bring it out here, into the real world. In my series, Proelia is a sport played by a lot of people (from adults to kids) where they summon magical constructs called sprites that they use to fight. A player only wins if their sprites destroy the other player’s. Proelia can be played with up to 6 players in either single battle, paired battle (played with a partner), or team battle (play with teams of three).

The tabletop variant I am creating for my senior exhibit project combines the game board itself, sprite pieces with their respective sprite cards, energy cards, spell cards, and trap cards. There are two dice used in this game, a 6 sided dice and a 20 sided dice. The 6 sided dice is for movement and the 20 sided dice determines if an attack hits and, if so, how much damage it does to the other sprite.

Game Play - Players have 5 character pieces (their sprites) that they move across the game board. Once a sprite is within 2 spaces of an opponent sprite, they can attack. A player only wins when all other opponent sprites are eliminated from play. To eliminate a sprite, its health must first be zeroed out. A sprite’s health is shown on their respective sprite card along with their special abilities and other stats. Spell Cards - Players can use specialized attack cards called spell cards. These cards can be used at whatever distance to attack any opponent’s sprite but it can only be used on one sprite at a time. Once used, the spell card must then go into the discard pile. Trap Cards - Players can use specialized cards called trap cards. These cards are designed to stall or halt an opponent sprite’s momentum. In some instances, they also deal damage as well. Each trap card is placed face down and has to meet a special condition before it can be activated. Only 3 trap cards can be put face down on the player’s dock at one time. Once on the dock, a trap card is in play and must wait on its condition to be met.

Well, it's that time again. Month 4 is over and as the days progress, I find I have at the very least a story idea for each day. I have realized that with my insanely busy schedule, it is next to impossible to write a full blown story per day. But, I have at least been able to write down a prompt and when I do have time, I can go back and actually write the story. It's not exactly what I was hoping for but better than nothing. I feel the spirit of the challenge is still there.

With that in mind, I have decided to post three stories from this month. These are actually a series of shorts that go together which is why I am posting them together. They were initially created as part of a project for my photography class at OSU. Enjoy!

The Earth Titan Rumbles

“It has been a few millenniums since I’ve woken. In that time, I can feel my presence in the world has waned, lost focus, and...departed...shall we say. So, with that being the case…”

There was a sudden, grinding sound mixed with a horrible screeching that filled the hollow cavern the two occupied. Shifting bits of rock and falling dirt changed and morphed into the visage of a giant creature carved from the very earth itself. Two luminous, lantern-like eyes that glowed with molten lava opened and blinked in irritation. What passed for a mouth suddenly turned down in a grimace of anger and annoyance. The more the massive, earthen creature moved, the more their body came into focus and sharpened. Arms and legs came into view as well as the huge, monumental throne it sat upon.

“...why are you here, mortal?”

The ground started to shake and rumble as if to punctuate its growing irritation.

“And do be careful with your words. I am prone to fits of unreasonable impatience.”

The mortal stood their ground, all the fear inside them being held carefully in check. It was hard but there was too much at stake to let that overwhelm him and ruin what he came there to do.

“Well?”

“Oh great and powerful…”

The creature suddenly roared, the sound so loud that it vibrated every bone in the man’s body. Every thought, every word he was about to say, was driven right out of his mind and he stood there frozen. He knew what he came there to do. Knew what it would mean if he failed.

Why couldn’t he concentrate?

Why couldn’t he focus?

Visions of what would happen if he failed ran through his mind, increasing his overwhelming panic.

“Do not patronize me with your foolish and meaningless pleasantries, mortal. If you wish to leave this place with your life, do not waste my time!” The massive creature moved forward, one of its huge, gnarled hands clenched into a fist.

“Okay!” the man yelled out abruptly, that frozen sheet of terror inside him suddenly cracking apart and finally letting him say something.

The creature actually smiled at that and looked amused for the first time.

“Say what brings you to me.”

The man let out the breath he had been inadvertently holding in. Then he stared at the massive thing right in its molten lava eyes.

“We need you to help us save the world.”

The Queen of Air Comes Forth

The wind buffeted a lonely figure as he stood on the roof of the tallest skyscraper in a nearly empty city. His icy, blue eyes looked up to the sky and narrowed slightly against the bright glare of the midday sun. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the sky was cloudless. A nice, cooling breeze drifted across his body and lifted his hair playfully.

Despite those pleasant things, however, something was wrong. He could almost taste it in the air. It was something foul and noxious.

Like poison.

His steady, unwavering gaze drifted toward the west. Ominous, dark clouds laced through with flashes of purple lightning were creeping across the landscape near the horizon. It was a stain on the gorgeous sky there and as it devoured and consumed the normal sky, his growing unease heightened and a sense of urgency blossomed inside him.

Time was running out.

He forced himself to ignore those clouds and instead, focused his attention to the sky again, staring there for nearly fifteen minutes without so much as flinching. There was a moment when doubt started to gnaw at the back of his mind. Questions exploded in his head next and as each one hit him, he felt his heart flutter rapidly.

Am I wrong?

Is she not here?

What if I fail?

These questions wanted to erode his resolve and make him run away. The doubt that started as a small thing quickly grew to monstrous size inside him until he was cursing himself for a fool. He was even about to turn and leave, to try a different plan, when motion out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. His head immediately turned toward it but, disappointingly, nothing was there.

Except that wasn’t quite right.

There was something there and the longer he stared, the more that something gained definition. He saw long, silvery hair that flowed gracefully in the breeze. There was the faintest outline of a soft, feminine body and then a pair of eyes as blue as his own were staring back at him. The outline of a slightly upturned nose and full, blue-tinged lips came into view last. He saw her smile faintly as she stared down at him.

“Hello,” she said in a breathy whisper. “What brings a mortal here to seek me out?”

She glided down toward him and placed a gentle hand on the side of his face. It felt alive with energy, like touching a bolt of lightning.

The lonely man gulped nervously but didn’t back down. He stared into her airy, beautiful face, his eyes locking onto hers.

“We need your help to save the world.”

The Fire Immortal Unleashed

It burned so fiercely that sweat immediately burst out on a lone woman’s forehead as she walked through a huge room full of flames. Waves of heat blasted her in the face over and over again, making her eyes water. She held up a hand to blunt some of that heat but it did little good. She looked around and found only fire surrounding her.

But curiously, it did not actually burn her. The closest she came to it were areas of brightly reddened skin.

“Hello!?” she called out.

The flames surrounding her suddenly whirled and coalesced into a vaguely humanoid figure. Its eyes blazed with bright, yellow-red light and a wide, gaping grin split the lower part of its face. There was a hungry, greedy look to it that frightened her.

“You are quite brave, mortal,” the dancing, fire-figure said. It laughed loudly, the sound a mix between the crackling of flames and hissing gasps. “It intrigues me greatly to have one so willing to walk into my domain. I have been cooped up in this place for so long.”

The figure made of living flames suddenly whooshed down and stopped right in front of her face, its searing hot flames just inches from her. Their eyes met and something seemed to spark between them.

“Go on,” it hissed. “Go on now. Feel free to speak your mind here.”

It laughed again and then whooshed back to where it had been, even doing a little back-flip in the air. There was an almost child-like quality to the entity and something like...like…

...innocence?

Yeah, she thought to herself. Innocence. It was as if the thing knew nothing of evil. Or good for that matter. It was innocent of both concepts.

“Don’t worry. I don’t bite.”

It started laughing again but then suddenly paused, a thoughtful look crossing its face.

“Maybe I do actually. I don’t really know. I don’t remember the last time I had a visitor. Or how long I’ve been here. Is that nasty fellow still alive? The one with the army.”

“Uh...I’m not sure,” she answered.

“You know who I mean.”

But she really didn’t.

The entity shrugged their shoulders.

“Doesn’t matter I suppose. Let’s talk about you. Why are you here? I’m sure it’s something fantastic. It is, isn’t it?” A child-like glee went through it as it started clapping its hands. “Something big. What is it? Oooohhh...the suspense is killing me.”

The woman’s fears suddenly burned away as if they had never even been there. The entity was just so...easy to talk to. It wasn’t anything like she had thought it would be. So she took a breath and looked up at it, their eyes meeting again. It nodded its head in encouragement as if to say, “go on now.”

“Okay. Here goes,” she said.

“Yes, yes,” the entity encouraged, that eager, greedy look on its face again.

“We need you to help us save the world.”

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my stories. Feel free to comment and share!

Month 3 is down but for this one, I won't actually be uploading the whole story because I am going to be submitting it to an anthology. Hopefully it gets in. I will go ahead and give a little blurb.

This story, called The Face Taker, is set in a psychologist's office at The New Haven Asylum. Fans of the Bane Pack Novels might recognize this particular place as the current residence of Helen Henner, Kendra's mom. In this story, however, we find an anonymous character spilling their guts out to their psychiatrist, Dr. Tina Lam, about how they ended up being committed. It turns out this character is a monster hunter and his family was slaughtered by a creature he's been hunting since he was a child.

Well, with any luck, this story does get in. Wish me luck!

Month 2 is over! This is getting increasingly more difficult as the days go on but I am at least getting a story a day so that's good. Enjoy a free story from this month!

Again, this is unedited so pardon any typos or grammatical errors.

February 8, 2021

The Things We Do For Love

“It’s sad,” a deep, rich voice said.

“Failed again,” another voice replied. This one was soft and melodious, as though there was an undercurrent of some song buried beneath it.

“He will try again,” the first voice noted.

“He is persistent.” The second voice sounded thoughtful.

“Shall we help him?”

“A small push, I believe. They get so close but he cannot seem to overcome his own mind.”

“Yes,” the first voice agreed.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Michael asked. The archangel was ridiculously handsome with his tousled blond hair and sky blue eyes. His face was, at the moment anyway, set into a very unhappy, stony mask.

I didn’t think this conversation was going to make him so angry, I thought to myself.

“Why not?” Michael asked, plucking the thought straight out of my head.

“Oh, right. I keep forgetting you’re an angel and can read thoughts and stuff,” I said. It was still an adjustment that I was dealing with. Being dead, that was. And the whole being in heaven and hanging out with literal angels.

Big adjustment, I thought again.

“You need to stop thinking so much.” Michael rubbed his temples. “It’s giving me a headache.”

“Uh...sorry,” I said.

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand.” Michael glanced at me intensely. So intensely it was really hard to keep his gaze. “You want to go back?”

“Reincarnation is an option for me, right?” I asked.

The archangel pulled out a slim, black notebook and flipped it open to a page. My name was upside down but I could still make it out.

Shawn Carter.

The angel scanned the page for a moment and then looked back at me.

“Well Shawn, it looks as though you’ve gone back eight times. You realize that if you go back again, that’s it. You get nine lives down there. After you use them up, that’s it. Finito, buddy.” Michael closed the book. “You’re stuck up here. I have to ask, why are you doing this?”

I thought really hard about that, but is there really any other answer?

“A woman,” Michael said. “Of course. How humanly obvious and completely pedestrian. Do you lower creatures think about anything other than your constant need for love and approval? And don’t get me started on the whole soulmate thing.”

“So you’re saying the concept of having a soulmate, or a person that completes another person, as in they are two halves of the same soul, is false?” I asked, making sure to word that question very carefully.

Michael’s face suddenly went red with anger.

“You little…”

“So?” I interrupted, gulping nervously. I didn’t really want to press Michael into a corner, but the angel wasn’t leaving me any options.

“Fine! Yes, okay. The concept of a soulmate, of two people sharing the same soul, is true. You are a conniving little one aren’t you?” Michael looked like he wanted to hit me.

Probably because I figured out pretty early on that the angels couldn’t commit a sin. They could experience emotions like sadness, anger, and things like that, but they couldn’t commit a conscious sin.

For example...lying.

Therefore, if you word a question to one in a particular way, you can get a real, true answer. No dodges. No clever truths that answer the question but don’t actually answer the question. That’s what I did to Michael.

Despite how carefully I might have worded the question, I still felt there was something I missed.

Michael picked up on my thoughts and smirked. He tried to hide his smile but I caught it anyway. It was one of those I-know-something-you-don’t-know type smirks.

“What are you not telling me?” I asked, and instantly wanted to smack myself.

“There are a lot of things I don’t tell you, human,” Michael said with a contemptuous laugh. “I do applaud your initiative with the soulmate question. That was clever. More so than most humans who end up here. You had my respect.”

“And I don’t now?” I asked.

“I’m an angel. We’re fickle. What do you want from me?”

My frustration was quickly growing.

“What I want is to know what would happen if I went back to be with her?” I asked. “How will I find her again?”

“And therein lies the trouble,” Michael told me. “You can’t. At least not intentionally. That’s the way soulmates work. You get one shot. And is she still among the living down there?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. I rubbed my neck nervously. “I never actually found my soulmate.”

“Why do you want to find her now?” Michael asked. He seemed intrigued by the discussion despite himself.

“Because we humans only think about love and approval,” I answered, joking but at the same time being completely serious.

Michael glanced at me intensely, as if studying some weird but interesting bug. His stony face was unreadable. Then his mouth twitched a bit and turned into a smile. The next second, he was laughing out loud. It lasted for a good minute or two. He even clapped me on the back at one point.

“I like you,” he said, when he was done.

Then he grabbed my shoulder and hauled me to my feet.

“That was funny but you aren’t telling me the whole truth, are you?” Michael asked. He pulled me along with him now. “Come on, this way.”

I thought about what he said. Really thought about it.

“Ok. You were right. You only get one shot,” I stopped there. “And I think I found her but I lost my chance with her.”

The memory of her floated to my mind. She was beautiful. More beautiful than anyone I’d ever met. Her smile would instantly brighten up my day. Her eyes would look at me and see me for who I really was. When we talked, it was like we’d known each other our whole lives.

Being with her was just…

Easy, I thought.

“Not to pry into your head but that does sound like a soulmate. Soulmates are like magnets, Shawn. The two halves pull each other together, but I have to warn you, that pull fades. Unfortunately, you’re on your ninth life. I hate to say it but the pull is probably so weak at this point that going back to find her will be next to impossible.” To his credit, he actually did seem to be sympathetic to my situation.

“I have to try,” I insisted.

“Why? Why would you want to put yourself through that kind of pain?” Michael asked.

“Because, I love her.” I looked away from him and stared into the distance. Thinking of her made a part of me hurt.

The angel continued pulling me along as we talked. Maybe ten or fifteen minutes later, the scenery abruptly switched from a bright, beautifully constructed city environment to a scene of dense, wooded trees. The trees were thick and tall but so beautiful they were beyond description. Going through the dense foliage was a path.

Michael didn’t hesitate to lead me down it.

I looked around. “Where are you taking me?”

“Don’t worry about that for now,” Michael responded.

He suddenly stopped me and then we stood there, face to face. He peered at me so intensely that I quickly grew uncomfortable.

“Uhh...what are you doing?” I asked.

“Call it a test,” he answered.

Michael placed his hand on my chest. A second later, it started to glow with a soft, bluish light. He closed his eyes. I didn’t really know what to do.

“Don’t move,” Michael said. “This part is imp..”

His voice cut off and his eyes popped wide open.

“What?” I asked, thinking something was wrong.

Michael smiled broadly.

“Uhh...is there something wrong?” I asked.

“No,” Michael replied.

He didn’t elaborate. Instead, he went back to dragging me along the path again. It took maybe twenty more minutes before we got to Michael’s destination. The woods thinned out and we found ourselves standing on a slight hill overlooking an enormous, stone castle complete with moat, drawbridge, and iron gate. Standing in front of the gate was what looked like a woman. She held a large broadsword

“Ta daa!” Michael exclaimed, holding out his arms to encompass the castle.

“Why are we at a castle?” I asked, confused.

“The test, silly human,” Michael answered, with actual cheer. The abrupt change in his attitude was disorienting.

“Why are you helping me?” I asked. I was suspicious, thinking he was trying to trick me.

“Because, if there’s one thing I do admire about your kind, it’s your persistence. Your tenacity. There’s a strength in that I respect, despite myself.”

I looked for some kind of hidden motive, but there didn’t seem to be one. He seemed completely serious.

“Do you have more questions for me, or do you want me to tell you how this test is going to work?” Michael asked.

“I guess tell me how this is going to work,” I answered.

“Okay. This will test your resolve and that tenacity I am so fond of. If you pass, you get what you want. You get to go back but more than that, you get more of your memories than ever before. More deja vu as you humans call it. More intuition. That will help guide you. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

“It will help you find your soulmate and give you a better chance. But if you fail the test, those memories will not come with you. You’ll be going back blind,” Michael cautioned.

“What is this test?” I asked.

“No idea. It’s different for everyone,” Michael answered.

“How many people have gone through this test?” I asked. “Is it dangerous?”

“Dangerous? No,” Michael replied. “You’re already dead, remember. Uncomfortable? Unpleasant? Hard? Check, check, and check. As for how many people have done it. Including you? That would be...three? I feel like it’s three.”

“Three?” I asked, disbelievingly. “That’s it? Why?”

“In short? Because no one really thinks to ask.” Michael shrugged. “And no one else has had the resolve to try. Most people don’t even know to ask the soulmate question. I would ask what made you think to ask, but I already found the answer to that question.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, curious.

“Maybe I’ll tell you when you get back here,” he replied, now openly showing that smirk. “Anyway, let’s go ahead and get this show on the road.”

He pushed me down the hill.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, pinwheeling my arms in an effort to keep my balance as I half jogged, half ran down the hill toward the drawbridge and the entrance to the castle.

“Figure it out!” Michael yelled at me.

Great, that was super helpful, I thought. Thanks a lot.

“You’re welcome! Good luck. I actually mean that this time,” Michael yelled from the top of the hill.

I finally managed to regain my balance so I didn’t end up face-planting into the soft, cushiony grass at the bottom of the hill. When I did get there, I stopped for a second, taking things in. The castle was large and imposing. The drawbridge was old, weathered wood that still managed to look sturdy despite its apparent age. The woman I’d seen from the top of the hill was staring at me intently. I saw the pommel of a sword sticking up from her back. She was dressed in form fitting, silver armor with gold trim. She wore no helm, so I was able to get a good look at her face. She had long, black hair that draped over her front and was styled with tight ringlets and curls. Her eyes were dark, slanted a bit, and pretty with eyelashes that helped to accentuate how beautiful they were. She had a perfect cupid's bow mouth with the bottom lip a bit fuller than the top.

I wanted to walk forward, but the woman transfixed me.

Remember why you’re here, I told myself.

That thought bolstered my resolve and I finally made my legs actually move. They took a few tentative steps and then my confidence kicked in and I walked with greater purpose. I ate up the distance to the drawbridge. When I took my first step on it, the guardian woman drew her sword. It was a massive, gleaming broadsword. I couldn’t quite figure out how she was even able to lift the thing. It looked delicate but deadly at the same time, much like the woman herself.

“Stay back,” the woman said, menacingly pointing her sword at me.

I put my hands up to show I meant her no harm.

“Hi,” I said, somewhat lamely.

“You do not belong here,” the woman said.

“I know, I know,” I replied. “It’s just there’s something important in that castle. Something I want very badly.”

I took a few more steps toward her, waiting for an angry response.

Instead, she didn’t say anything. The point of the sword continued to point at me.

“Why do you guard this castle?” I asked. “Why is it important that you protect this gate?”

She blinked as if no one had ever asked her that before.

“It’s my duty,” the woman replied. There was a bit of hesitation to her now. The point of her sword slowly fell to the ground and rested on one of the drawbridge’s wooden planks.

“That all?” I took a few steps closer, all the while fixing my gaze on her. I tried to convey an air of confidence as I approached.

Let’s go. You can do this. You have to do this. You have to get back. You have to be with her again.

Those thoughts flew through my mind. They spurred me onward even though part of me didn’t want to emotionally manipulate this woman into letting me inside the castle.

It’s a test, I told myself. Just a test. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re supposed to do this. That’s what Michael said.

“Turn around,” the woman told me, but there was hardly any conviction to her tone now. She seemed to be growing fond of me.

That hesitation gave me a measure of hope, although I couldn’t really understand what she wanted from me other than the fact that I could tell she didn’t really want me to leave. Whether that was because she liked me or because she just wanted someone to talk to, I wasn’t sure. Whatever the case may be, it was an opening and if I ever wanted to get back, then I would have to shake off all my reservations and push through.

“Why do you want me to go away?” I asked.

She blinked, once again confused by the question.

“Because it’s…” she hesitated. “My duty.”

“But what do you want? What do you actually want? Go ahead, I’m listening.” That was not a manipulation either. Despite the fact that this was a test, I could tell something was bothering her. And that bothered me. I wanted to help her. Truly help her and not just use her feelings to gain entrance to the castle.

She looked at me, staring at my eyes as if she wanted to read my mind. I could see her fear, lurking in the depths of her own eyes like tiny, flickering fires. She didn’t want to trust me. She thought I was trying to trick her.

“I want to find the love that brings you here,” she said, her voice almost a whisper.

My eyes widened a bit.

Was she not an angel?

Was she an angel?

What was her story?

How did she get stuck here?

“What holds you back?” I asked, the test was pushed to the back of my mind for the moment. There was something about this woman that urged me to help her. I felt her pain like it was my own, but I also understood her.

“Fear,” she replied simply. “I fear that all the things I feel will not be returned. I fear even if they are, they will fade over time. I fear that the world will work to keep us apart. I fear my own mind will work against me and prevent the very thing my heart wants most.”

“I get that,” I told her with a small, sad smile. “I’ve felt that fear so much. And do you want to know a secret?”

She looked at me skeptically, as if my question might be some sort of trap. Her curiosity, however, got the better of her and she gave me a slight nod.

“It never goes away. That fear stays with you, always. The problem is not how to get rid of that fear, but how to overcome it. How to face it and make it back down. I’ve learned that the hard way more times than I care to admit.” I caught her gaze and held it with my own. I wanted her to feel the urgent truth to my words. As I tried my best to help her, I realized I was helping myself at the same time. “I know what it’s like to doubt. I know what it’s like to have that voice in the back of your mind whisper that you will fail. That your feelings will not be returned. That you’re just not good enough. I know that voice. That voice haunts me even now, but I will not let it beat me this time. I will not let it stop me anymore.”

The woman took in my words as if they were water and she was dying of thirst. Then her sword dropped from her suddenly nerveless fingers. A tear slowly slipped out of her eye and trailed down her cheek. She bowed slightly to me.

“Thank you,” she whispered. Then she moved slightly to one side, allowing me access to the castle’s gate. “I wish you luck. I truly do.”

I wasn’t quite sure what happened or why this guard was letting me pass, but I wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip past me.

“I hope you find the love you want,” I said. “And thank you for this.”

“You are welcome,” she told me before her body shimmered with bright, radiant light.

It was so bright, I had to shield my eyes. When the light vanished, the woman was gone.

I guess I passed, I thought to myself. A sense of triumph surged through me as I turned toward the gate, but I didn’t let it overwhelm me. I knew whatever was in the castle, it was probably much worse and much more painful than facing the truth of how I always let my fears control me in my life(s) on Earth. Let’s do this.

The gate lifted as I walked toward it. I stopped and watched it rise upward, and as it did, my confidence rose too.

I passed the courtyard inside to the opposite end. There was only one door. I looked around to make sure, but all the walls were blank. There weren’t even slits for windows.

The only thing present was that door.

It was plain but looked heavy. It was arched at the top and had a heavy, iron ring for a handle. I walked to it with a single-minded purpose. Nothing else mattered.

It didn’t take long to get to the door and when I did, I grabbed the handle and pulled. I might’ve used a bit more strength than was strictly necessary. The door popped open with ease and I nearly stumbled back and fell. The door was much lighter than it looked.

I stared up at the sky.

Ha. Ha, I thought sarcastically. Very funny.

I looked into the castle’s interior and found a dark tunnel staring back at me. A few feet inside, the tunnel ended in a set of stairs that descended deeper into the castle’s guts. I took a deep, steadying breath, and continued on.

This is my last chance. No choice left. I have to make this count. Have to.

My thoughts were the only thing keeping me company in that scary, dark place. They weren’t good company, however. They were like weights that sank into my mind, bearing me down and making it hard to keep going.

My conversation with the angel at the gate gave me the strength to continue on. I put one foot in front of the other and eventually, I got to the bottom. It was dark down there too, but that didn’t last long. A light started glowing with soft, white luminescence. Weirdly, it didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere. It was just there.

I looked around and saw that I was now in a large, plain room. The walls were unadorned. The floor was made of bland, grey stone. It was round, but that seemed to be the extent of the aesthetic choices to the place. Directly opposite of me, however, were two doors this time. They were identical to each other and both were ornate and beautiful. They were made of a dark wood polished to a high shine. Near the top of each one was a marble plaque set into a beautifully sculpted, golden frame. Etched into each one was some type of graphic. Although I couldn’t tell what the graphics were, I could see that they were different from each other. It was the only thing, as far as I could tell, that set the two doors apart from each other.

And standing in front of the doors, barring my progress, was another armor-clad person. This one was a man, or at least looked like a man. I was willing to bet that this one, like the woman at the gate, was another angel.

Doesn’t look like Michael, I thought. Who is this guy?

The angelic guard stared at me with a bored look on his face. He even yawned, although I suspected the yawn was for show.

“What do you want, human?” asked the guard after he finished with his yawn.

“I...uhh...was told to come here,” I answered. I walked toward him with fear and nervousness seeping into my body. I could feel myself shaking but I tried to hide it. I smiled at the guard with what I hoped was a convincing, non-scared look. “I’m supposed to, you know, head through one of those doors. Michael sent me, so…”

My voice trailed off and I knew the guard wasn’t buying any of my lies.

“Michael sent you?” The guard looked thoughtful for a second.

My fear was so overpowering that if I wasn’t already dead, I probably would’ve had a heart attack. At the very least, I would’ve gotten some kind of world record for fastest heartbeat. I gave the guard a shaky nod as his intense, obsidian-colored eyes bore into my soul. Which was probably true since angels could read minds.

Thankfully, I thought of that before I decided to outright lie.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!

The Spice Girls song was the most annoying thing I could think of, and that line replayed inside my head over and over again. I refused to think of anything else.

The guard continued staring at me intensely, then he visibly winced.

“Ugh. Why do you keep repeating that song lyric over and over again?” the guard asked. “Quit that. It’s annoying.”

“Sorry.” I shrugged. “I got it stuck in my head. Anyway, am I good to go?”

...get with my friends! If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends! If you wanna…

“Fine! Whatever, just go!” The guard urged me onward.

I hesitated for a moment, thinking this was some kind of trap, but then I decided that I had to risk it anyway. I surged forward, walking somewhat fast. I didn’t want to push my luck any further. I got to the angel guard, walked past him, and then stood in front of the doors. Not for the first time since I got to the chamber, I wondered why there were two of them. Up close, I saw that the graphic on the left side door was a moon while the one on the right was of a butterfly. I had no idea what the graphics meant and I didn’t want to ask the angel, so I decided to risk it and just pick one. I picked the right one first. I even put my hand on the doorknob, but then I second-guessed myself and went to the left door. Then I switched again. I did this a couple more times before I finally settled on the left door.

Here goes nothing.

I was about to turn the knob when I felt a crushing hand on my shoulder. It gripped me painfully, picked me up as if I weighed nothing at all, and then proceeded to throw me across the room. I landed in a heap in front of the stairs. I rolled around and groaned loudly, my back arching. I tried desperately to get air back into my lungs after it had been so rudely knocked out of me by the guard.

I slowly (and very gingerly) got back to my feet.

“Wh-what did you do tha-that for?” I gasped.

The guard didn’t say anything at all for a few seconds. Then he sneered at me.

“You really think I would just let you stroll right on past me?” The guard laughed and it was definitely mocking. There was much mocking in that laughter.

I bristled with anger.

“But Michael…”

“I don’t see Michael here. If Michael wanted you to go through one of those doors, then he’d come down here and tell me himself. You aren’t getting past me, so you might as well just turn around and head back up those stairs.” The guard made a show of cracking each one of his knuckles.

How am I supposed to get past him? There’s no way.

Those thoughts were depressingly true.

Depressingly true but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going away.

“No,” I said. I moved jerkily toward the guard again.

I’m not sure what my thought process was, but it somehow ended with “fight the uber-strong, powerful angel.”

I got to him in a very stiff-legged run and took a swing at him. I wasn’t much of a fighter but I could hold my own if I was really pushed to it.

That wasn’t the case this time.

My punch was easily telegraphed and the guard ducked underneath it with ridiculous ease and speed. He came back up and brought his knee with him. The knee planted itself firmly in my stomach with such force, it actually lifted me a few inches off the ground. Before I could come back down, the guard caught the front of my shirt, swirled me around, and let me go flying through the air.

I crashed at the foot of the stairs.

Again!

“Stay down. Or better yet, give up! Go back up the stairs. Do that and the pain will stop!” The guard was clearly getting frustrated now.

“N-no,” I whispered, mostly to myself.

I picked myself up. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. Every fiber of my being was screaming and yelling at me to stay down.

“Why are you fighting?” the guard asked. “Why is this so important?”

I didn’t answer. I just attacked. I was in a lot of pain, but I was determined. I was stubborn. I held my hands up to ward off any punches or kicks as I came in but the guard wasn’t letting himself get baited. He was strictly playing defense. I jabbed at him lightly, mostly just trying to feel out his fighting style. The guard, of course, dodged it easily. Then one of his fists came roaring at me. I ducked and dodged it but just barely. I could feel the wind coming off his fist as it sailed just centimeters past the end of my nose.

I have to win.

I have to win.

I HAVE TO WIN!

I screamed this thought so loudly inside my head that I saw the guard flinch a bit.

What was that?

The flinch caused the guard to falter the tiniest, smallest bit.

No way.

The guard’s easy confidence wasn’t so rock solid anymore. I could tell I found out something he didn’t want me to know. Something vital if I was going to win.

I smiled as an actual plan of attack formulated in my head.

YOU SUCK!

I screamed this inside my mind and at the same time, I lashed out with a powerful, roundhouse kick.

The guard flinched, and hope surged with renewed vigor inside me.

I felt like the next few seconds slowed to a crawl. It seemed to take forever for my kick to connect with the side of the guard’s face. It was almost there. One more second and it would hit him.

Almost there, I thought.

And finally, my kick…

...was blocked.

The guard calmly grabbed my ankle and completely stopped my kick’s momentum. He did it like it was no big deal, even though I put everything I had into it.

“I tried to give you a way out,” the guard said. “Guess it takes a lot for a lesson to stick with you, doesn’t it?”

I didn’t even have time to say anything whitty back.

The guard’s hand clamped down even harder on my ankle and then swung me around. I felt my stomach lurch uncomfortably with the sheer force of his swing. I felt like I was going down the steep drop of a roller coaster.

The guard let me go and I crashed into the wall. The wind was knocked out of me again and I fell to the ground. I thought I would at least have a bit of time to get my breath back, but the guard wasn’t playing around anymore. As soon as I hit the ground, he was there, picking me up and shoving me into the wall again. My back connected with the hard stonework walls. My head connected next and my vision went white with pain for a split second. I cried out.

“You can end this!” The guard was yelling in front of my face. “GIVE UP!”

I laughed.

I couldn’t help it.

“Why are you laughing?” the guard asked.

He slugged me in the stomach. I coughed harshly and my stomach muscles clenched painfully. If I had any food in my stomach, I would’ve hurled in his face. I took in a shaky breath before I was able to answer him.

“B-because,” I explained. “I’m not ever going to stop. Not. Ever. You get it? You can beat the crap out of me for eternity and I’ll just keep coming back. You can’t make me stop fighting for her.”

The guard’s eyes widened a tiny bit and he stopped punching me.

“Why?” he asked. “Is she worth it?”

“I’ve never wanted anything more,” I said. Images of her danced across my vision. Her eyes. Her smile. The way her nose crinkled slightly when she laughed.

The guard looked at me. His dark eyes once again bored straight into my soul as if judging me to see if I was worthy. And then, the guard set me down.

As he did, all the incredible pain I felt was suddenly gone. It was as though I never got my butt handed to me by a ridiculously powerful angel bully. I was utterly confused, and part of me thought the angel was playing another game with me like when he pretended to fall for my whole, “Michael sent me” trick.

“What’s...uh...going on now?” I asked. Each movement the angel made caused me to flinch reflexively. The pain might’ve disappeared, but that didn’t mean I never felt it, and that trauma was still messing with me.

“You passed!” The angel said. He reached behind his back and pulled something out in a flourish (which made me flinch again).

It was a confetti shooter. The angel pulled the string on its back end and a loud pop! filled the air as bits of string and confetti shot out.

“Congrats!”

“Wha…” I stammered.

“You can go through whichever door you choose,” the guard said, cheerily. He put an arm around my shoulder and ushered me closer to the doors. “I will warn you though, my part of this test wasn’t the last one. Picking the right door is your final test. Pick the wrong one and you lose the advantages Michael explained to you. You’ll go back a blank slate. You will have no subconscious hints to guide you in the right direction. No feelings. No instincts. Nothing. So choose wisely.”

I had so many questions, chief of which being how did I pass the angel’s test when he clearly destroyed me. But I pushed those out of my mind and instead, focused on this new test. The two of us came to stand in front of the doors and I stared up at the graphics on their marble plaques.

The moon and the butterfly.

What did they mean?

I had no idea.

The butterfly and the moon.

The moon and the butterfly.

I was losing my mind trying to figure them out.

At some point, the guard had left. I didn’t even see him leave.

I guess it is all literally up to me, I realized.

I stared at the doors, inwardly fighting myself and being wracked with indecision. I was about to give up hope, but then something occurred to me. It was a snippet of memory.

“Here, look at this. I want to get a tattoo.” It was a memory of her. It played in my head like it was happening all over again. She had pulled out a folded sheet of paper and was showing it to me. The paper had a drawing on it.

I remembered that drawing. In fact, it inspired some of my own works before I died and found myself up in heaven. It had been of a butterfly. In fact, the same butterfly that was engraved into the marble plaque of the right hand door.

“It’s just...me,” she had said. “It just feels like me. You know?”

I felt myself tearing up as memories of her swept through me. The first time I ever met her. The talks we used to have. The times I made her laugh. The times she made me laugh. The fun we had together.

The tears spilled down my face.

I also remembered how I was afraid to show her how I really felt. I wanted to, so badly, but every time I tried, I couldn’t manage to get past my own fear. And I remembered when I made the choice to stop fighting for her, to give up on ever being with her because I decided I missed my window. That I was already too late.

I thought about those memories and suddenly, I understood why Michael had put me through his little tests.

That was clever, I thought to myself.

Then I turned the handle on the butterfly door and opened it.

“He passed the tests.” the rich, deep voice said.

“That is good,” the melodious voice replied. “I hope this time, he realizes that he cannot let his fear control him and that he mustn’t give up.”

“I think this time, he shall succeed.”

“Let us hope so.”