Jake Eagle's Blog

This article was written by Dr. David Hanscom, a former orthopedic spinal deformity surgeon who had practiced in Seattle, WA, for over 32 years. Since retiring in 2019, he has focused on teaching people how to break free from chronic mental and physical pain—both with and without surgery. His approach to wellness and healing aligns with the principles we share on this website, and we are pleased to introduce him to you.

Key Points

Our instinctive survival responses and negative conditioning often lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.We create “stories” about ourselves to feel better, but these stories often fail to truly satisfy us.As a competitive species, we strive to appear invulnerable, which can alienate us from others.Recognizing that our survival reactions and self-esteem constructs are not truly “who we are” can help us develop a healthier relationship with our ego. Why We Pursue Self-Esteem and Reinforce Our Ego

Survival Reactions and Emotional Triggers

Our survival responses produce unpleasant emotions, such as anxiety and anger, to signal potential threats. In nature, once a danger passes, animals can relax and regenerate. However, humans often continue to ruminate, keeping the body in a state of tension. This can blur the line between our survival instincts and our identity, leading us to believe that these reactions define us.

 

Lifetime Programming

We are conditioned by societal expectations from childhood, often through guilt, intimidation, and shame. We’re rewarded for behavior others deem “good” and criticized for behavior they view as “bad.” This conditioning contributes to an ongoing pursuit of self-esteem, shaping our identity and ego. When we fail to meet these standards, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy.

 

Our Competitive Nature

Humans are wired to compete—for resources, achievements, and social standing. This drive can lead us to build an ego that appears strong and invulnerable. Unfortunately, maintaining this persona can isolate us from genuine connection, as meaningful relationships require vulnerability. Without resources or opportunities to compete, some people may “drop out,” developing an identity shaped by negative self-perceptions.

 

Maintaining the Ego

Even a well-built ego requires continuous upkeep. Negative self-talk and doubts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unworthy” can fuel a cycle of mental rigidity. This rigidity blocks us from adapting to new situations and can harm both mental and physical well-being.

 

Taking Charge of the Ego Carefully

The need to protect our ego can disrupt relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Mental rigidity, a byproduct of ego defense, makes it difficult to accept other viewpoints. We must cultivate mental flexibility to soften this rigidity, but the process requires care. The ego provides a sense of control that helps manage anxiety. Learning to live with vulnerability, rather than resisting it, is essential for connecting deeply with oneself and others.

Mindfulness practices have shown promise in reducing rigidity, though they may not benefit everyone equally. Those with heightened emotional sensitivity may find mindfulness overwhelming without guidance on handling vulnerability. This underscores the importance of preparing oneself before challenging deep-rooted defensive patterns.

 

Moving Forward: Softening the Ego

Reducing the ego’s dominance begins with understanding its origins and acknowledging why it feels so necessary. Tools like mindfulness, cognitive awareness, and recognizing distorted thinking patterns help us detach from our ego’s hold. We lessen our dependence on the ego by promoting mental flexibility and creating new neural pathways aligned with our chosen direction. Life becomes freer, and we become more resilient to life’s challenges.

For more information or to contact Dr. Hanscom, please click this link

The post Why You Do Need an Ego: Understanding and Softening the Ego with Awareness appeared first on Be Conscious Now.

Would you like to live in alignment with yourself so that no matter what’s going on around you . . . you stay connected to yourself and honor yourself? If so, read on, because there is a way to live without all of the emotional ups and downs.

These up and down cycles, two-steps forward and one step back occur because we don’t understand that there are three distinctly different emotional energy states. These emotional states need to be acknowledged and worked with in different ways.

In Live Conscious we call these three emotional states the Pond, River and Ocean—PRO is our acronym for this model.

The Pond

Think of being in a pond and notice how you feel. The water is relatively stagnant—no movement. The Pond is isolated so when you are in the pond you are alone and disconnected from others.

The Pond is an emotional energy state of feeling stuck and helpless while suffering. When I’m in this state I avoid the depths of my feelings because I imagine that I will suffer more if I pay attention to myself. To avoid my feelings I disconnect from certain aspects of myself. I distract myself from my pain and my suffering.

The River

Now, think of being in a river and notice how you feel. The water is constantly flowing.

The River is an emotional energy state of feeling energized, taking action, and moving toward a destination. When I’m in this state I energize myself, I connect to my values—the things I care about. I’m proactive and I associate with other people who share my passions.

The Ocean

And now think of being in the ocean. The water is boundless, almost incomprehensible. The rhythm of the waves is continuous. The source of energy contained in the ocean is endless.

The Ocean is an emotional energy state of expansiveness. When I’m in this state I expand beyond personal concerns, needs, or desires. I shift myself from an orientation of “doing” to one of “being.”

We are all familiar with these energy states, we enter and exit these three different emotional energy states all the time, sometimes moving in and out of them several times in one day. Some people are comfortable in the Pond but not so comfortable in the River or Ocean. Other people prefer to be in the River, some prefer the Ocean.

Which is your preferred state?

We each develop strategies to remain in the emotional energy state that is most familiar to us. This means I will frame events and ask questions in ways that will help me maintain my preferred state. For example, let’s say I prefer being in the River. The way I will frame events is by seeing them as opportunities instead of problems.

I will ask questions such as:

How can I resolve this situation?

How do I make the best of this relationship?

What meaning do I choose to make of what’s happening around me?

These questions are appropriate and helpful if I’m actually in the emotional energy state of the River, but if I’m in the Pond, asking these questions will frustrate and hinder me.

When I’m in the Pond my frame is one of crisis—feeling helpless, overwhelmed and at a loss. Asking questions like the ones above will cause me to feel more overwhelmed and make me feel worse. The worse I feel the more I’ll want to disconnect from myself to avoid my feelings. In the Pond I feel dis-empowered so I tend to project my negative feelings onto other people, blaming them for my woes. In the Pond I’m preoccupied with my past and concerned that the pain, failure, or losses I’ve experienced will reoccur.

What’s helpful when I’m in the Pond is to alter my perspective to that of the witness. Until I am present with my pain, until I stop trying to avoid discomfort, I will remain at odds with myself. Only by acknowledging my discomfort—being with myself instead of doing something—will I be able to satisfy the needs that arise when I’m in the Pond. I am in pain and I need to be present with myself.

This is best done by connecting with my discomfort and saying things like:

Sometimes I feel miserable.

Sometimes I feel so disconnected.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

The change can be instantaneous

When I acknowledge my discomfort, without trying to fix or avoid my feelings, I change my relationship with my discomfort. And the change can be instantaneous when I acknowledge myself in a deeply honest way—and sometimes that results in some form of emotional discharge. Emotional discharge may take the form of crying, laughing, shivering, or the need to move my body in other ways.

And soon after the discharge occurs I will find myself out of the pond and back into the River where I can be more proactive and engaged in my life.

Many people jump out of the Pond and into the River as a result of falling in love, being temporarily inspired by gurus or teachers, using drugs, meditation and many other means. The problem is that none of these are sustainable.

Sustainable change comes about, in part, by learning to spend time in the River. And this is where Perception Language is so helpful because it’s a way of speaking that does three things:

Perception Language helps us realize and remember that we are making up meaning of all that we experience.Perception Language helps us take responsibility for our feelings and behaviors.Perception Language brings us into the present instead of focusing on the past.

Notice the distinction between how I speak when I’m in the Pond versus the River. In the Pond I’m not taking responsibility for creating my feelings, I’m simply acknowledging them. I might say, “Sometimes I feel scared,” and this is different than using Perception Language and saying, “Sometimes I scare myself.” In the Pond I don’t need to make myself feel responsible for my feelings; I need to witness my feelings.

In the River, which is a higher energetic emotional state, I take responsibility for creating my feelings. I recognize that I am the one who is making up the meaning of my stories. I no longer focus on what happened in the past—the meaning of which is made up anyway—instead I focus on what outcome I want to create and what actions I need to take in this moment to make that happen.

No resistance

An interesting thing is happening for me as I learn to more fully embody both the Pond and the River. By allowing myself to fully experience and honor myself when I’m in the Pond, I spend less time in the Pond. I no longer resist my discomfort and therefore I feel less defended. This frees up some of my energy, and with more energy I’m able to spend more time in the River—a higher energy state.

In addition, as I spend more time in the River, I don’t try so hard to hold onto that experience. I’m not afraid of visiting the Pond. So I relax. I stop working so hard to create stability and comfort. I become more open to uncertainty and instability . . . and Poof!, before I know it I find myself in the Ocean.

In the Ocean I go beyond the frame of personal responsibility that characterizes being in the River. I’m interested in making a contribution that is about more than “what’s in it for me.”

Some people describe being in the ocean as feeling like they are “one with the universe,” or that “we are all connected.” I have a different experience. My feeling, when I’m in the Ocean is actually one of separateness. I feel separate from my mental chatter and separate from ideas with which I have limited myself. I experience a great sense of ease along with my passion to make a positive difference in the world.

Better than a GoPro

I help myself greatly with this PRO model. The key is being able to recognize what emotional energy state I’m in and then honor that state by acting accordingly. In the Pond I allow myself to feel my discomfort and I witness myself. In the River I take complete responsibility for the meaning I make and my subsequent behaviors and feelings. In the Ocean I look beyond myself to find how I can make the greatest contribution given the gifts I have.

I don’t believe the question is, “How useful is this model?” I believe the question is, “Will you use this model?” If you do, you can create a new level—a sustainable level—of emotional wellbeing in your life. There are a few reasons why this model is so effective.

First, it helps us be more conscious because we step-back and think about what emotional energetic state we’re in.

Second, it provides us with a distinct strategy to help ourselves after we identify what state we’re in.

And, finally, this process eliminates the self-criticism that often accompanies our emotional lapses. Instead of being critical, we realize that this movement in and out of different emotional states is part of life, and it is something that we can learn to work with.

So, now, with this model, instead of resisting your emotional experiences, you can dance with your emotions—sometimes in the Pond rhythm, other times in the River or Ocean rhythms.

I encourage you to take some time and work with this model. Next time you’re in a “bad mood,” instead of judging yourself or being impatient with others, give yourself a break, find a quiet place and allow yourself to witness your crankiness. Notice what happens.

Please write to me with any questions, or better yet, post them below so that we can all learn from one another.

And, if you value this post, we ask you to share it with your friends on Facebook, or in real life . . .

 

The post Learn To Work With Your 3 Emotional States appeared first on Live Conscious.

Maybe you don’t need to sit on your meditation cushion longer or more often. Maybe you don’t need to learn how to self soothe. Maybe you don’t need to work on unresolved issues from childhood. Or, maybe you do. I don’t know, but I do know that if you start developing your awe muscle, either you won’t need to do those other things, or if you do, they’ll be easier.

Awe is an emotion that didn’t used to get a lot of attention—an overlooked gem. And when people consider awe, they often think of it as something they can experience as a reward for having done “their work,” or the result of some significant insight, or what happens after enough hours on a meditation cushion. But based on our research, awe does not have to be a reward that is at the end of your journey; it can be a starting point.

What happens when you connect with awe is that first you connect with self, because you are the vessel through which awe manifests. It is through your awareness of the beauty, magnificence, creativity, tenderness, humor, and love that awe arises.

Every moment in awe is a moment of connection, first with self, then with the object of your attention. Additionally, when you connect with awe, you humble yourself. But you don’t humble yourself with judgments of “not enough,” you humble yourself with awareness of how incredibly fortunate you are to be alive and able to experience the awe that surrounds you. You humble yourself by experiencing a profound connection.

How do we know so much about awe? If you follow our work, you may have heard that along with Dr. Michael Amster, we conducted two large-scale awe studies in cooperation with UC Berkeley and NorthBay Hospital. The results—not yet published—are impressive: decreases in depression, anxiety, loneliness, pain, and increases in wellbeing and mindfulness. But what’s even more impressive is how the participants got these results.

In less than a minute a day

For twenty-one days, the participants practiced accessing awe three to five times a day, and the practice only takes about ten to twenty seconds each time. Think about that for a moment.

In about the time it takes to read the short paragraph above, people were accessing awe.

So, a few questions. What is awe? Why is this simple practice getting such great results? And, how can you learn to do it?

Awe is an emotion that carries us beyond our typical experience of the world to the point of amazement. Most studies of awe use extraordinary sources of stimulation to induce awe, for example, sitting on the rim of the Grand Canyon, or standing at the foot of a redwood tree, or some kind of virtual reality simulation. All of those work, but they aren’t necessary. This was part of our unique discovery.

You can discover awe in the ordinary. And we’ve developed a simple technique to help you do so. We based it on the acronym A.W.E.

A for “Attention.” When you choose to pay attention to things you appreciate, value, or find amazing, you focus your mind and heart on things that are likely to foster awe. We call this selective perception.

We all live in a world with an overabundance of stimulation. We can pay attention to only a few things at a time. Too often, we don’t choose what we pay attention to, and we operate on autopilot.

But you can choose. You can direct your attention to notice things you value, appreciate, or find amazing. When you do, your mind quiets down.

W for “Wait.” After you focus your attention, wait—at least the length of one full inhalation—and you can begin to experience a state of coherence. This occurs when the busiest parts of your mind—the default mode network—quiets down, and your body, mind, and spirit synchronize.

In our fast-paced world, we often resist doing things that take time because we feel we have too much to do. One of the reasons we believe that this A.W.E. method is so valuable is that it takes hardly any time at all. Simply focus your attention on something you appreciate, value, or find amazing, then pause long enough for one full breath, or two, and then…

E for “Exhale and Expand.” When you exhale, you activate the vagus nerve, which stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system—decreasing heart rate, lowering blood pressure, and releasing muscular tension. And during exhalation, the contraction of the diaphragm sends a message to the brain to release dopamine—enhancing your mood, creating a calming effect, and acting as a pain reliever.

You might wonder why you don’t experience the positive benefits of exhaling every time you do it. That’s because your mind is too busy. By paying attention to something you value, appreciate or find amazing, you are quieting your mind. Then, when you exhale deeply, you are likely to experience states of awe—characterized by goosebumps, shivers, raised eyebrows, and wide eyes.

Time Expands

There are many reasons why the awe practice produces meaningful results. The primary reason is the way awe alters our sense of time. As time expands, our sense of urgency disappears, we become more patient, which changes the way we relate to other people. The other significant thing that happens is a brief resetting of our nervous systems.

I think of my awe practice as a way to wake myself up several times each day. I come off autopilot and give my attention to something that amazes me. It’s like a respite, a break, a positive infusion that keeps my nervous system from getting stuck in defense physiology.

Does awe solve all my problems? No, but by developing my awe muscle, I find everything else a little bit easier. Awe shifts my state of consciousness, almost instantaneously. Most of the time, we live in a state of safety consciousness—focused on being productive and getting things done, but if we access awe, we experience less stress even when we’re in safety consciousness. And if we are in safety consciousness and want to be in heart consciousness but are having a hard time making the shift, accessing awe can open that pathway.

Awe is almost always available to us; we don’t need to wait. We can insert moments of awe throughout our day. Wake up in the morning, don’t have time to meditate, take a moment to access awe. Getting ready to have a difficult conversation with your partner and you feel anxious about it, take a few moments and access awe. Feeling tired, but there is some task you need to do, step into a moment of awe. Going to bed at night, hoping to have a good night’s sleep, before you turn down the sheets, take a moment to access awe. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

 

The post The Power of Awe appeared first on Live Conscious.

We—Hannah and Jake Eagle—have continuously discovered, developed, and practiced methods to enhance our partnership for the past thirty years. The result is that our relating has become easier, lighter yet more profound, humorous, and loving. At this point, it’s effortless. So, as we all move into the New Year, we want to share with you nine methods/tools that have transformed how we communicate in hopes that these tools will make your relating easier and more rewarding.

This article focuses on conversations between people who care about one another.

1)    Before you begin any serious conversation, ask this question: “What will make this conversation feel valuable?” In other words, what are we trying to do? Are we trying to agree on something, listen to one another, acknowledge our differences, or change one another’s opinions? What is our measurement for a good conversation? If you state that upfront, it will influence the conversation. For us, our goal is to have civil conversations in which we witness each other, do our best to understand, and are kind and respectful.

2)     When most people have conversations, they focus on the outcome of the conversation. We don’t do that. Instead, we focus on the quality of the conversation. In other words, focus on the tone and feeling connected during the conversation. Speak to each other as if you care about one another– as if you are friends, and when the conversation is over, you can feel proud of the way you conducted yourself, regardless of the outcome.

3)    If a conversation starts to feel difficult, stop and take the time to remind one another that you are friends, partners, or lovers. This is very calming to the nervous system. And the state of your nervous system plays a significant role in the quality of your conversations. When we don’t feel safe we’re much more likely to be reactive, so the goal is to do things that create a sense of safety.

4)     If the conversation is not going well, stop! No point in continuing and running the risk of hurt feelings. Take a break. Try again later. And go back to point #1, above, and ask, “When we try this again, what can we do differently that will make this conversation feel more satisfying?”

5)     Create boundaries—what’s acceptable, what’s unacceptable? There are certain things we never say. For example, we are never mean, rude, crass, or harsh when speaking to one another. We don’t tolerate such behaviors. There is NO excuse for treating each other poorly. None! People can control themselves, except at times when they are genuinely under threat of danger—and that is not the case when we’re having a conversation. It’s only a conversation—a process that continues.

6)     When you anticipate having a conversation that you think may be difficult, shift into heart consciousness before the conversation even begins. If you don’t know what that means, we have articles on our website describing the different consciousness levels. (link here) But the simple explanation is to access a state of appreciation before you have the conversation. Can you appreciate the other person being in your life, appreciate listening and being witnessed, and appreciate your ability to have mature conversations?

7)     Some people feel they are lovable; some don’t. There is a higher likelihood of being reactive during conversations for those who don’t feel lovable. One way to minimize reactivity is to be kind to the other person because when we’re kind, we feel more lovable and so will they..

8)     Take turns speaking and listening. One of the most common mistakes people make sounds like this:

First person, “I was very uncomfortable with the tone you used with me last night.”

Second person, “Well, I didn’t like the tone you used with me.”

That kind of conversation will go in circles and get you nowhere. The only way to break the cycle of tit-for-tat conversations is for one person to speak. The other person listens and hopefully can understand—even if they disagree. After the first one is done speaking, take a pause to ascertain if you understand them, then switch places. After a short break, the person who was the “speaker” becomes the “listener.”

9)    You may not be familiar with Perception Language, but it is one of the pillars of Live Conscious. If you know how to use Perception Language, go back to the basics when you have a conversation that feels challenging. Be very explicit that you are only talking about your perception; you are not telling the other person about them, eliminate praise and blame, and stay focused on what you can do now—in the present moment—to make the conversation constructive.

If you don’t know Perception Language, there is some information on our website, or you can learn the basics by reading Jake’s book: Get Weird, Make the Most of Your Life.

The post  9 Keys To Improve Your Communications appeared first on Live Conscious.

During the summer of 2021, Shawn Marshall put together a conference called Reinvent Yourself. He invited 21 speakers to participate. This is a recording of Shawn’s conversation with Jake Eagle, in which Jake introduces four models:

How to design your life around your values (5:40 into the talk)
How to change your language so that you empower yourself (Examples throughout the talk)How to quickly access higher levels of consciousness using the the A.W.E. process. (42:00 minutes into the talk)How to understand and use the Three Levels of Consciousness.(53:00 into the talk)

You can enlarge the video by clicking the icon in the lower right corner that looks like four little arrows.

 

Values

One of the reasons people struggle in life and relationships is because their actions aren’t aligned with their values. In this talk, Jake presents a simple model for figuring out your values, and he reveals the most common mistake people make when doing this kind of work.

Language

Throughout this video there are several examples showing how to empower yourself by using Perception Language. It’s fun to watch these examples happening in real-time as part of the conversation.

A.W.E.

The Awe Study that Jake Eagle and Michael Amster conducted at UC Berkeley in 2020 demonstrated the power of this simple technique—to increase mindfulness and decrease depression, anxiety, loneliness and pain. In this interview, Jake walks the interviewer through the steps.

Three Levels of Consciousness

We continue to see this as a new paradigm for personal growth that helps people go beyond the limits of traditional psychotherapy.

The post How To Reinvent Yourself appeared first on Live Conscious.

“Who hears the rippling of rivers will not utterly despair of anything”.  Henry David Thoreau.

I was recently asked to share why I’m joyful most of the time. So, I’ve spent some time reflecting on that. I’m aware that some people may be dealing with very difficult challenges. But I do hope, in the long run, that you’ll learn to find joy even in the most difficult times.

I’m not always joyful, but I feel joyful most of the time, so how does that work?

I think the key is in the quote above by Thoreau. I would much rather focus on the rippling of rivers than worrying about something in the future that likely won’t happen or hurting myself over a story I’ve created about something from the past.

I don’t want to waste precious time on things I have no control over. And I do have a choice. If I need to apologize or redo something from the past, I’ll do that. Otherwise, I practice being as present as I can by becoming aware of all I’m sensing from one moment to the next, and when I do that, I feel joyful.

The practice of consciously using my senses to experience joy is a deeply held value for me. And when I’m noticing, like now, the trees swaying in the breeze, the sound of the wind moving through the leaves, the birds on our feeder chirping—a flock of java sparrows, tweeting in such a way that they sound as if they are purring, I am joyful.

The simple practice of watching the movement of my hands and noticing the sensation of whatever they are touching—warm or cool or soft or smooth or textured—will bring me into the present moment.

When I notice the fragrance of jasmine in the air, the movement of puffy white clouds as they pass by, the softness of my bed sheets at night, or the silky feel of Hawaiian ocean water and the breeze on my skin—I am thrilling myself.

In these moments, what’s not to be joyful about?

Oh yes. There’s the pandemic and the suffering of people, wars, natural disasters, species dying, and climate change plundering the planet. There is all that. I do make myself sad when I think of those things. But then I ask myself if I can personally do something about them. If the answer is no, then I don’t dwell on what I have no control over. Instead, I’ll choose to be joyful despite the turmoil.

The turmoil can’t be my focus. If I elevate my gaze, the sadness of the world will sink to the bottom. Of course, that sadness is always there if I want to dive in again, and sometimes I do, but I don’t have to live there.

If there is something I need to change, I will make that change. Otherwise, I’ll be looking for beauty. If I “hear the rippling of rivers,” I will find myself in AWE. I believe that paying attention to the beauty around me can help diminish the chaos. That’s one small way I can be helpful.

And the more I practice being aware of what I’m sensing (even if I have aches and pains), the easier it is to shift my perspective. For example, when I focus on pain, I tighten up around the pain to brace myself against it. But, if I take a deep breath, pay attention to what’s going on around me, and relax, the pain diminishes, and I can find beauty and something to love at any moment.

There are seven senses we can pay attention to. Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch are the five more well-known senses. But there are two others that we can play with: Vestibular, or sensing movement and balance, and proprioception—body position in space.

With our vestibular sense, we can pay attention to our bodies as we slowly walk across the floor, sensing how walking is an exchange of balance with unbalance. And with proprioception, we can become aware of where our body parts are in relation to other things, like my hand cracking an egg without crushing it.

Designing a Life

I’ve also consciously designed a life where my surroundings and relationships are what I want them to be. I have chosen where I want to live, who I want to relate with, and who I want to live with, and that’s very helpful.

I have consciously chosen work, a partner, and friends, who are loving, fun, and nurturing. I’ve also learned, with my husband, how not to fight to be right. This is far more respectful and creates a joyful and fun partnership because now we joke about who’s right.

We’ve gotten good at not taking ourselves too seriously. We are best friends and treat each other as such. We don’t perceive relationships as difficult. Our marriage is easy, joyful, and full of humor.

Another element of living joyfully is living in a place of my choosing—a place that’s peaceful and beautiful. For others, living in the hustle and bustle of city life may make them feel alive. Making the best conscious choice of where to live and with whom can make an enormous difference.

After making those choices, my practice is to look for what I love most every day.

I wake each day with the question: I wonder what I’ll love most today?  If I remember this throughout the day, I minimize my autopilot, maximize awareness, and dial myself in for a joyful day.

Open your eyes right now. Look for beauty in the small things—in colors, and movement, shadow, and light. Open your ears; what do you hear right now? Close your eyes, wrap your arms around yourself, take a deep breath, notice the contact of your arms with your body, and then smile. What does a smile feel like?

Some of you have taken our course in accessing AWE. When I practice this, AWE becomes my nature, joy is the reward, and any ripples in life become a reminder to look for beauty.

PS:

While writing this article, we experienced a crisis with a close family member. My immediate reaction was noticing my hyper-palpitating heart and my whole body tensing up while I dove into anxious stories in my mind. I then took 20 minutes to lie down, breathe very deeply, begin to sense my surroundings and my body’s contact on the bed; and with my breath, gradually letting go of tension in one body part at a time. Fairly soon, I was able to slow my heart rate down, notice the stories I was telling myself, and begin to deal with the situation in a calmer way.

At that point, I noticed the gentle purring of my cat—something I dearly love, and I felt the joy of having him in my life. The family issue at hand wasn’t easy, but I was approaching the situation with a different mindset and in a far healthier way.

I’m hoping this practice will be helpful to many of you.

 

The post Joy appeared first on Live Conscious.

I’ve always been interested in finding simple solutions to complex problems. I’ll use an example from politics to illustrate my point, and then I’ll come back and show you how you can apply this idea in your own life—making one change that can vastly improve your emotional wellbeing.

An Example of a Complex Problem

Most of us have never lived through a time of so much political dysfunction and disharmony as we see now. The political partisanship in Washington has overridden patriotism. Politicians seem more concerned with their political futures than the future of our country. And the damage they are doing is severe, turning Americans against Americans.

I used to think that if we took the money out of politics—campaign finance reform—that would solve most of the problems. But now I think that’s unrealistic. There are too many ways for money to find its way into politics. Yet, I believe there is a straightforward answer that would solve most of the political problems—term limits.

If we limited politicians to one term in office—four years in the house of representatives, eight years in the senate and white house—we would eliminate the focus on reelection. This would change the entire character of politics. People who run for office will be doing so to be of service. We can rotate the congressional and senate seats so that half of the people in Washington will have experience while the other half—the incoming class—comes up to speed. I imagine term limits will reduce most of the extreme partisanship and misplaced priorities, and the wheels of government will turn toward progress.

Now, what’s this have to do with you?

Well, let’s apply the same idea. Let’s imagine that in your life there is a point of leverage and that one small change can have a disproportionately positive influence. What would that change be in your life?

I’ve thought about this question while looking at the ten stages of development we go through from birth to death. (Stages of Development Chart 2021).

Ideally, I would like to see a change that occurs in the earliest stages of life, during infancy, because those changes would ripple forward and affect everything that follows. But, that would require educating parents before having their children—involving courses in high school focused on personal development, communication, relationship skills, and theories of child development. Such courses would improve the students’ lives, make for healthier relationships, and prepare individuals to be good parents.

But, most of us reading this are well beyond infancy—so what’s the single most valuable thing we can do at this stage in our lives?

The One Thing To Focus On

The one thing that I believe will make the greatest impact on our overall mental and emotional health is creating a healthy personal narrative. We all have narratives, ways of talking about ourselves that tell our story. Some of our stories are self-victimizing. These are the stories we tell in which we use past difficulties to justify current-day struggles. Unfortunately, some forms of psychotherapy encourage this kind of narrative, but I don’t think it’s helpful. I mean, a little bit of it is okay—yes, you were bullied in school, and that may contribute to your social anxiety today. In other words, it’s not your fault. But now, as an adult, you can help yourself by shifting your narrative to focus on how you want to live in the present. Creating a different narrative—a different way of talking about yourself—leads to different behaviors and attracts different people into your life.

On the opposite end of the narrative spectrum, we may use positive affirmations and phrases that come from the law of attraction. These are full of optimism and possibility, but they may be inconsistent with your current reality. Creating a narrative that is disconnected from your day-to-day reality isn’t helpful. On the contrary, it often creates more anxiety because we sense the incongruity between how we talk about our life and how it actually feels. For a narrative to be helpful, it must be coherent. In other words, it needs to make sense and be believable.

We all tell ourselves stories about our lives to make sense of where we came from, who we are, and where we are going. Does your narrative answer these questions in a way that makes sense to you? Does your narrative empower you and create hope for your future? If not, try creating a new narrative.

By the way, although we all have narratives, we aren’t necessarily conscious of them. When people say things like, “I could never do that, I’m not that kind of person…” or “I have a hard time sticking with my commitments…” or “I’ve always been a very disciplined person…” they are revealing aspects of their narratives.

Don’t Wait Until Tomorrow

Many of us think the answer to our problems will be found tomorrow, “When I get x, I’ll feel better, everything will be okay.” But that tomorrow may never come. Alternatively, you can create a coherent narrative for yourself and change the character of your life today.

A coherent personal narrative will answer these questions:

1) How do I characterize my upbringing? And this isn’t so much about what happened to you, but how you have shaped yourself as a result of what happened to you. It’s not ‘what others did to you,’ but ‘what have you done or learned with what happened.’

2) What are the significant life experiences I’ve had, and how have I used those to define myself?

3) What are the common characteristics of my relationships? For example, what kind of friend, parent, lover, employee, or employer am I? Do I feel good about this characterization, or would I like to change it, and if so, in what ways?

4) What are my current priorities?

5) Where am I headed in life? I may not know precisely what my purpose is, but what do I want my trajectory in life to be? Is this a time to focus on creating security, or is it a time to focus on pursuing my dreams? Can I do both?

When we live with an incoherent or haphazard personal narrative, we are easily buffeted about by circumstances. We confuse ourselves. Conversely, when we create a healthy, generative, and coherent narrative, we comfort ourselves because we have made sense of our past, understand our current choices, and look forward to our future.

Our narratives will change with time. They may be stable for certain periods, but they can also change quickly. Inevitably, our narratives will evolve as life circumstances change and as we age. When we consciously craft our narrative, we feel calmer and clearer, more deliberate, and we make the most of the one-term life we were elected to live.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The short answer is it depends—

I recently went to a Qigong class, and the instructor assured the participants that there was no right or wrong way to make the moves. “Hey guys, you’re doing great; remember there is no right or wrong, just do what feels good for you.” One lady in the class was trying to execute the moves while talking on her cell phone.

Sorry, but that’s wrong.

Yet, the instructor didn’t correct her. In a similar vein, I’ve witnessed therapists reassure their clients, “You’re doing the best you can,” when they weren’t, and urging them not to be “hard on yourself” when they probably should be.

For example, I worked with a client who reached out to me after another failed relationship. His previous therapist advised him not to be hard on himself, to practice self-love and compassion, and she extolled the familiar aphorism, “you can’t love another until you love yourself.” But none of that was helping, so he called me.

Love others even if you can’t love yourself

First off, it’s just not true that you can’t love another until you love yourself. We can love another even when we don’t love ourselves, and loving others contributes to us ending up loving ourselves.

Second, the client had behaved immaturely and inappropriately, and that’s why his relationships were failing. My approach was different. I suggested he be harder on himself and hold himself to a higher standard. And, I added, when you live up to that standard, it will be possible to love yourself.

He asked a great question, “How do I know if I’m too hard on myself or not hard enough?”

I shared a simple formula with him, it goes like this.

Figure out what your values are, your top four or five values. When I say values, I’m asking you to identify the character traits of the person you’d like to become. How would that person live? How would that person conduct themselves—in good times and bad times?

After you come up with your list of values—again, only four or five—make sure they are consistent with one another. This is one of the keys to getting the most out of this exercise. If you have values that conflict, you end up living with internal conflicts because when you pursue one value, you disregard another. For example, if you have the value of “caring for yourself,” then it’s going to be confusing if you also have the value of “caring for others.” Because there will be times when you can’t do both, so which is more important? How can you modify one of those values, so it doesn’t conflict with the other? Maybe you can change to something like, “One of my values is caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others.”

After you’ve clarified your values, answer this question, “Am I living according to my values?” If you are, regardless of the results you obtain, don’t be hard on yourself. However, if you are not living according to your values, be harder on yourself—push yourself to do better.

It’s a simple formula but very effective

As for my client, he was not living according to his values, so instead of encouraging him to love himself and be compassionate, I encouraged him to clarify and recommit to his values. Doing so will also solve his relationship problems because he will attract a different kind of person into his life when he starts living according to his values.

So, are you living according to your values?

If so, don’t be hard on yourself.

If not, push yourself to do so.

The post Are You Being Too Hard on Yourself or Not Hard Enough? appeared first on Live Conscious.

Do you ever struggle with inner conflicts? For example, maybe you have a particular passion, and you wish you could make a living by pursuing it full time, but your need for security causes you to stay with a job that is not your passion. Or maybe you say that you want to be healthier, but you’ve created a stressful life even though you know that isn’t good for you. Or perhaps you’re in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling, but you stay because you don’t want to hurt your partner and go through a breakup.

Welcome to the club of humanity. People are complex. We have multiple needs and desires, and some will conflict with others. When the conflicts are superficial, it’s not a big deal, but we can torment ourselves when we have deeply held values that conflict.

What Matters To You?

Your values come from the ideas and beliefs that matter most to you. For example, maybe you believe in living with integrity and being honest—those are your values. Some people value adventure; others value safety. Some people care a great deal about their reputation; others care equally about their freedom. Our values guide our behaviors.

For twenty-five years, I’ve helped people identify and change their values. But I believe that I was missing a key piece in this puzzle—one that can make a significant difference in reducing internal conflict.

To explore your values, I recommend you make a list of your top five values. If you aren’t clear about what “values” are and how they affect your behaviors and life, click here to see a list of 62 values. You can use the values on this list or come up with your own—the point is to pick your top five.

After you have your list, consider whether you live your life by the values you put on your list. Ask yourself, “If an astute observer followed me around for a week and paid close attention to how I behave, what would that person say are my values?” Was I kind and patient, attentive to others, or was I focused on myself? Was I relaxed and present, or ambitious and determined? If the list your observer created is very different from the list you created, then you’re not living congruently. In other words, you say your values are x, but your behaviors tell a different story. If that’s the case, it’s a wake-up call. Maybe you can change your behaviors, but the first step is being honest about your values—how you live your life.

What Do You Want?

The next thing to consider is whether the values you listed are the ones you want to have. Most of us have some outdated values; they no longer make sense. So, ask yourself, “Are these the values I want to have? If I made a list of the values I would like to have, what would that look like?”

So far, so good?

If you aren’t living according to your stated values, you have two choices. You can change your list of values to reflect how you behave, or you can start to behave in ways that reflect your values. First, I recommend that you identify the values you would like to have and then describe how you will conduct yourself to be true to each value on your list.

But here’s the thing I didn’t realize until now—almost everyone’s values contain inconsistencies. I’ll share a list of my values to provide an example:

Enjoy time with HannahLive healthilyPractice the paradigm that I teachWrite a bestselling book and help thousands achieve their potentialRelax

Items 1, 2, 3, and 5 are all consistent. In other words, I can pursue all of those without any conflict.

But just a couple of weeks ago, my co-author and I signed a book deal with one of the biggest publishers, and I’m motivated to write a bestseller. That’s where value #4 comes from. So, on the one hand, I’m very excited about this opportunity. But, on the other hand, I feel an internal conflict because writing a bestseller might prevent me from spending as much time as I would like with Hannah, relaxing, and living healthfully.

When we have conflicting values, we can justify a wide range of behaviors, and some of those behaviors may conflict with some of our values. This causes internal conflict. Do you see how placing “writing a bestselling book” as one of my top values conflicts with my other values?

Aligning Your Values

The answer for me has been to craft my top 5 values list to have no conflicts. To pursue any one of my values will not conflict with any of the others. This has proven to be a powerful step. In my case, I changed my ambitious value from writing a bestseller to creatively expressing my ideas. I can do that without putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

This process doesn’t have to be hard unless “things being hard” is one of your values. I’m serious about that. Many people hold onto the idea that “relationships are hard, change is hard, life is hard.” Is that one of your values? Do you want it to be?

The Live Conscious orientation makes it easier to change our values because we believe that meaning is made up. In other words, the stories we tell ourselves about our values are just that—stories. And our stories are often self-justifications we use that make it harder for us to change. Once we create a story or a belief, we’re very good at going out and finding evidence to prove we’re right, but that doesn’t make it the Truth.

So, I’ll close with three suggestions.

First, be honest with yourself about your values. No judgment. Just notice what they are.

Second, think about your values in relationship to the Three Levels of Consciousness that we’ve written about in other articles. Most of our values come from Safety consciousness. This tends to keep us stuck at that level of consciousness. I encourage you to access Heart consciousness and Spacious consciousness as part of your process in reevaluating your values.

And third, pay attention to your nervous system. The goal is to develop a list of values that allows you to feel relaxed and energized—like wearing comfortable clothes, but ones that you believe are complementary.

If you have questions or want to show us your values list in the comments section below, we will respond.

 

 

The post How to Reduce Inner Conflict appeared first on Live Conscious.

As far as I can tell there is only one truth. The one truth is that all meaning is made up. Religious ideas, political ideas, psychological models—all made up. Our brains are meaning making machines. Put an image in front of me and I’ll make meaning of it. I’ll interpret it based on what I already know.

And when something happens that is unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before, I’ll stump myself. I’ll be at a momentary loss until I can categorize, label, identify—all of which are ways of making meaning.

Recently, working with my clients, I’ve been shining a brighter light on this idea that meaning is made up. And I impress and excite myself as I witness people freeing themselves of so much mental clutter.

The most typical response that I hear is:

“This means that I can change the meaning of whatever I’m perceiving.” And, yes, that’s true. You can change the meaning of what you’re perceiving.

Let’s say that your partner lied to you about something, but he comes forward a week later and admits he lied. You can look at this as a disaster, realizing that if your partner is willing to lie to you about one thing, maybe he’ll lie to you about other things. And worst of all, even if you ask him if he’s lying to you, you can’t believe his answer because he’s lied to you before. This is a real mess and potentially something that you never recover from. Suspicion grows and trust is never reestablished.

Or . . . you might realize that your partner coming forward and telling you he lied is a remarkable opening on his part. He is actually taking responsibility for his inappropriate behavior. This could be the turning point in the relationship. This could be a chance to relate in a more genuine way and by appreciating his honesty you reinforce his new behavior. You stay in the moment, the moment in which he is being honest and revealing and you choose not to punish him for having lied to you.

What’s the difference in these two stories. Which one is the truth? The one truth? Neither of them. They’re both made up. So, yes, you can change the meaning of any event that happens in your life. And this is probably the place to begin practicing. If you disturb yourself with some meaning you make, change the meaning and see what happens. Just try it . . .

One specific way to change the meaning in human interactions is to look through the eyes of the other person. Listen to them and believe them. Just this simple act is likely to help you create new meaning. It’s a powerful technique that I use with my wife, Hannah. Whatever she tells me, I believe her. After all, she’s a very honest person, so why argue? Why not stop and allow myself to experience events through her eyes? This is a great way to recognize the malleability of meaning.

Then, the next step—and this is the one that I find so extraordinary—doesn’t  require me to change the meaning, simply to recognize that the meaning I’m making is made up.

It’s all made up.

We each make up meaning of everything that happens all day long. Even if we understand this idea on some intellectual level, the chances are that we don’t live with this knowledge in the forefront of our minds. What would happen if we did?

I can tell you what’s happening for me as I live this way. Then you can try it for yourself and see what happens for you.

As I fully recognize that all meaning is made up I deeply relax myself and become present. I experience non-attachment. After all, why be attached to stuff when you realize it’s entirely made up?

I am living more and more in the space that exists between the stimulus and my response. This is one of my favorite quotes:

Between the stimulus and the response there’s a space, and in that space is our power and our freedom.

Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search For Meaning said that. And I think it is the most helpful idea I’ve ever heard—but remember, even it’s made up.

One key thing to consider is whether or not the meaning you make up is helpful—to you. Are you helping yourself with the way that you make meaning? If you are, stick with it. If you aren’t, change the meaning you make to something that is helpful, constructive, productive, comforting, motivating, clarifying . . .

This is part of what happens during our Live Conscious retreats, people learn a different way to make meaning. So many of us grow up learning that human interactions are based on the model of a perpetrator and victim, or a winner and a loser, but Live Conscious offers a completely different way to understand human interactions. When we learn this different way of making meaning we stop being reactive and taking things personally.

Some ways of making meaning are healthier than others.

Finally, I want to reiterate my other key point, which for me is even more freeing. Sometimes I don’t need to change the meaning that I’m making, only to realize that the meaning I make is made up. That’s the real source of leverage. Whatever I’m thinking that is causing me to suffer—it’s based on some story I’m telling myself.

When I realize that the story—the meaning I’ve assigned to something is made up—I can more easily let it go. So if I’m driving myself crazy with some compulsive thought, or if I’m triggering myself with some story, as soon as I remember that what I’m telling myself is made up—I let go. In a previous article I refer to this as Poofing!

And, I want to be clear that “letting go” is not the same as repressing. I’ll explain the difference between “letting go” and repressing in part II of this article.

Do you want to “let go”?

This approach that I’m sharing with you is very effective if you want to experience balance and tranquility. If you’re a person who loves the highs, maybe you even enjoy the emotional roller coaster ride, letting go and non-attachment may not appeal to you. Is tranquility better than emotional drama? That all depends on how you make up meaning.

Live Conscious offers me many pearls, but two that I find most useful are:

A new way of making meaning that helps me step out of the perpetrator/victim model.Awareness that all the meaning I make is made up, like a story, and I am the storyteller.If you found value in this blog post and you’d like to read some of our previously written articles . . . just fill out the form below and we’ll email you the articles right away.

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Documents:

Finding Yourself
Individuating From Parents And Partners
Overview Of Live Conscious
Reology Japanese
Why Wait To Be Happy

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