Sara Eckel's Blog

There you are, a 25-year-old woman sitting at an outdoor table at the Hungarian Pastry Shop with a spiral-bound notebook, a Mona Simpson novel, and a cappuccino in a heavy white diner mug. Across the street, peacocks wander the grounds of the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. You sit upright with your pen in hand, notebook open. You’re waiting for inspiration. You’re waiting for your life to start.

“I’m an editor, and I live in Manhattan.” This is a thing you get to say—to old high school classmates, to friends of friends, to a hypothetical attractive man who might strike up a conversation about the bizarreness of free-range peacocks in New York City. If that ever happens, which it never does.

Your life synopsis sounds good, but it implies something that isn’t true. It implies that you have a life in New York—that you are taking lunches with writers and attending literary parties or have any social life at all. But although you have lived in New York for two years, you still don’t feel like a part of New York. You’re still pressing your nose against the glass, trying to figure out how to traverse the invisible, immeasurable gulf to the other side.

Read more in Oldster Magazine.

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I’ve just released a new online writing class, Making Your Voice Heard: Write a Personal and Persuasive Essay. You can access the course for free if you sign up for a trial subscription to Skillshare through this link. That will get you two months of access to classes by big-name writers like Meghan Daum, Susan Orlean, Dani Shapiro, Sari Botton, Mary Karr, Emily Gould and Roxanne Gay. (Meghan and Sari’s classes are particularly great.)

In my class, I explain the basics of writing and pitching an opinion piece. I think it could be useful for anyone honing their essay writing skills. It also may be of particular interest to students, activists, and business owners and professionals looking to raise awareness of their services.

The post My Online Essay-Writing Class is Up on Skillshare appeared first on Sara Eckel.

I’ve just released a new online writing class, Making Your Voice Heard: Write a Personal and Persuasive Essay. You can access the course for free if you sign up for a trial subscription to Skillshare through this link. That will get you two months of access to classes by big-name writers like Meghan Daum, Susan Orlean, Dani Shapiro, Sari Botton, Mary Karr, Emily Gould and Roxanne Gay. (Meghan and Sari’s classes are particularly great.)

In my class, I explain the basics of writing and pitching an opinion piece. I think it could be useful for anyone honing their essay writing skills. It also may be of particular interest to students, activists, and business owners and professionals looking to raise awareness of their services.

The post My free online writing class is now available appeared first on Sara Eckel.

Max Daniels felt miserable. After living with two years of nonstop construction noise in her Cambridge, Massachusetts, neighborhood, her nerves were frayed. Finally, she shed the city life for a new home in the quaint and quieter coastal town of Marblehead. As she packed for the move, she pushed herself to ruthlessly purge possessions, following the mantra of Japanese lifestyle guru Marie Kondo, whose best-selling tidying guides urge readers, above all, to shed any belongings that don’t “spark joy.” But once ensconced in her new three-bedroom home, Daniels found herself with an empty attic and a heart full of regret: Why did she get rid of so many beloved books? Why did she toss her late father’s favorite radio?

“I realized there was no space pressure on me,” she now says. “I don’t live in Tokyo.”

Daniels, a life coach, had initially found a lot to like in the system Kondo outlines in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and Spark Joy and says she doesn’t miss 95 percent of the stuff she tossed. But she also realizes that her mood affected her decision-making process. “For someone like me, who has a burn-it-down personality, it’s easy to think a clean-slate comprehensive action will make you feel better,” she says, “but if you are feeling low, nothing is going to spark your joy.”

Daniels is far from alone in feeling that she became too caught up in the urge to purge. Across the globe, the Kondo craze has had people dumping the contents of closets and drawers onto floors, hoping to cull them down to a few prized possessions. It’s part of a larger trend that favors airy, minimalist homes with highly curated accessories, while leaving a glut of no-longer-wanted family heirlooms homeless. Those anvil-weight bedroom and dinette sets of decades past now sit unloved in resale shops, while younger consumers pick up sleek particle-board furnishings that can be more easily moved or abandoned.

It’s no passing fad, says Paco Underhill, CEO and founder of the behavioral-research firm Envirosell, but the result of a confluence of economic, technological, and sociological factors that are likely here to stay.

You can read the rest of this piece here.

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 I surprised my agnostic parents by becoming a born-again Christian at age 10. It was the first of many attempts to believe, and I wrote about it for Longreads.

“Sometimes, while out with a friend I’ve known for 10 or 20 years, I’ll pivot on my barstool and ask, “Did I ever mention that I’m a born-again Christian?” The question rarely computes. My close friends know I grew up in an agnostic household, and they’re pretty sure the only Sunday morning activities I leave the house for are yoga and brunch. Some have even heard me casually describe myself as an atheist. Nevertheless, on a bookshelf in my parents’ house, there’s a Bible with an inscription in my loopy 10-year-old handwriting: ‘Today, I am a born-again Christian.’ Below that, the words ‘Hallelujah!’ in a woman’s elegant, slanted script.

“The ceremony took place at that woman’s house — in my memory, her name is Mrs. Hannah — in the suburb of Cincinnati where my family lived during my grade school years. For my parents, southern Ohio was a six-year tour of duty — just a place where my dad got a job. For my younger brother, it’s barely a memory. But for me, it was where I first encountered the world and where I was repeatedly told I lacked something essential.

“‘You have a black hole in your soul,’ a little boy told me on the way out of kindergarten one day. I walked home and promptly burst into tears in front of my mother.”

You can read the entire essay at Longreads.

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I was happy for the chance to review Will Storr’s terrific book, Selfie: How We Became So Self-Obsessed and What It’s Doing to Us.

“Selfie might appear to fit in the genre of high-end pop-psychology books that promise to shed light on the human condition while also telling us how to be more productive, persuasive or in some other way climb a rung or two higher on the winner’s ladder. But this book is no life hack. Rather, in this fascinating psychological and social history, Storr — who has published three other books and is a seasoned foreign correspondent — reveals how biology and culture conspire to keep us striving for perfection, and the devastating toll that can take.”

You can read the full review on the Post’s site.

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In my first Longreads essay, I consider the value of door-to-door canvassing, phone-banking, and other anonymous tasks of everyday activism.

“I was surprised by how easily I became this person, this pesky do-gooder, this purveyor of obviousness. My high-school English teachers had instructed me to avoid clichés — if you want people to bother reading you, then you must find an original way to tell the story. This became a guiding principle not just in my writing, but in my speech, too, as it was for all my writer friends in New York City, where I had lived until 2012. There, nearly everyone I knew tried to obey the golden rule of conversation: If you can’t think of something interesting to say, don’t say anything at all.”

You can read the full essay on  Longreads:

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Dear Sara: I’m a 49-year-old guy from Germany. I’ve done online dating now for about a year. In my case, the reason I most often hear from women for cancelling after the first or second date have been the sentences, “Sorry, I don’t feel anything for you” or “There are no butterflies in my stomach” or “I think the chemistry doesn’t work.” Ultimate killer phrases.

Is there anything I can do to influence this chemistry thing?

Although it surely is a very individual thing, could you give me a hint or some examples of what makes a man attractive or interesting? Of course, I know the feeling of strong antipathy directly after the beginning of a date, that tells you to stop the whole thing at once, but I never had a feeling of “feeling nothing” for my counterpart during a date so far. Maybe it just takes me longer to come to such an assessment.

Right now I’m asking myself which way I should choose: Should I work more on my personal appearance by doing yoga, meditation or consulting a flirt coach? Or should I take the same point of view [as these women] and be picky, too? Unfortunately, I started falling in love with some of those women, because I thought the chemistry was right. This was the most frustrating experience—I thought I could read my counterpart and understand her and her body language, but she obviously didn’t feel the same or did not show. — M

Dear M: The chemistry thing is so hard. There is really no way to explain why we feel attracted to one person and not another. I can assure you that during my dating years there were many men I felt wildly attracted to, and felt sure they must feel the same way, but … they didn’t.

There is a certain X factor that just can’t be explained. But the good news is that different people are attracted to … well, different people.

I also think there is at least one thing you can do to give your pheromones a fighting chance: Focus on your date, not yourself. Instead of worrying about whether or not she thinks you’re hot, just be attentive to her needs. Ask her questions about herself, and really listen to what she has to say. This might sound basic, but it’s amazing how many people don’t do it. So often we get caught up in trying to impress a date, bragging about our accomplishments or trying to make sure our hair looks good. And tragically, this usually has the opposite effect—you just come off as boring and self-absorbed. But if you listen and talk about her—well, then you’re the most fascinating person in the world! And when you’re focusing on the other person, rather than the impression you’re making, you’ll also be more relaxed—and thus make a better impression.

You sound like a nice guy, so maybe this isn’t your issue, but I thought I’d mention it just in case. I think it’s great to do things to make yourself feel good—yoga, meditation, etc. Consulting a flirting expert can be very useful—flirting is definitely a skill so if you don’t have it, why not consult someone who can teach it?

I’m all for doing what you can to feel healthier, saner and more confident. But I would suggest not doing them with the goal of “being more attractive.” Just do them because they make you feel good, and don’t worry about having chemistry with everyone woman you meet. Just look for one person you have chemistry with, because of course that’s all you need.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here

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Dear Sara: A few months ago I was out for drinks with two of my friends. Both are married to guys they met in university, so between them they’ve been single for about seven seconds. I was dating more actively then, and I was telling them how I felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere—lots of messaging back and forth with potential matches that never seemed to turn into actual dates. And they responded to that by telling me I need to stop trying so hard, that love finds people when they least expect it and that maybe I should stop looking. Fast forward to last night, and I’m out again with the same two friends. Except now I’m on a break from dating (by my own choice, not because of the advice they gave before), and what do they say this time? That I’m never going to find someone if I don’t make an effort to put myself out there. Ugghhh! Sometimes you just can’t win! – M

Dear M: There is a weird belief in our culture that anyone who is married is necessarily a dating expert–even if they haven’t dated since Boy George was at the top of the charts (and we still said things like “top of the charts”). It’s maddening, and you have every right to be annoyed. But, as I’m sure you know, expressing your irritation will only give them another way to blame you for your situation—sooo negative.

Your friends’ intentions are probably good. They want you to be happy. They want you to find a partner. And they are also probably a bit uncomfortable with the fact that something that came so easily to them has been such a challenge for you. So to defuse the awkwardness, they offer advice, not realizing how disrespectful it is.

The first line of defense is to avoid the subject entirely. You don’t owe them an explanation, and even if you gave them one they probably wouldn’t accept it anyway. So saying something quick—“My dating life? Oh, you know it has its ups and downs. Hey, I’ve been renovating my kitchen and I found this great designer. Have you heard of ….”

If they insist on returning to the topic, then I would suggest a cheerful reprimand, something along the lines of:

“Ladies, I know you love me, and it’s awesome that you care so much. But you’ve both been out of the dating pool for liiiittle while, and things are a bit different now, so you’ll have to take my word for it that I’m doing my best, and that I’m fine.”

Or:

“I really appreciate your concern, and these questions that you raise in our conversations—when should you be actively looking? When should you relax and be open to what life brings you?—are ones I contemplate a lot. So I hope you’ll respect that I’m aware of the challenge of finding that balance.”

Or, if they have a decent sense of humor, you could jovially call them out on their dumb clichés. But it must be said in a super-cheerful, jokey voice:

“Really?! I need to get out there? Wait, let me write this down! The other day, someone told me ‘It always happens when you’re not looking,’ and I was like Whoa! How do you guys come up with this stuff?!”

Of course, even the most well-crafted zinger is not necessarily going to wake your friends out of their cluelessness. They may never get it. But if you can express yourself with dignity and gentleness, you may find that their response isn’t quite as important as it once seemed.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

The post ‘I Can’t Win With My Married Friends!’ appeared first on Sara Eckel.

Dear Sara: Throughout my (unsuccessful) years of trying to find “the one”—or at least someone—there has been a clear pattern. It’s one of two scenarios: 1) I’m friends with a guy and I have a crush, but he does not [reciprocate], and we just end up as friends; 2) I have a fling and I would like to continue it and am a bit interested, but he’s not, end of story. So the essence is that I always end up as either a friend or a fling, but I never seem to cause any romantic feelings in a guy.

I do think that part of the reason I end up as a friend is because I grew up with two older brothers, and I’m sort of used to the whole guy-thing. And I guess I have some so-called “male characteristics” in that I enjoy critical conversation, and I am not afraid to have an opinion. I would also say that I’m self-confident, and I can keep up with most of the guys when it comes to drinking. My theory is that guys feel intimidated by me, so the girlfriend-thing is not really an option, but seemingly they still think I’m hot enough for a one-night stand.

I have no idea how to change that. How do I always give the vibes “don’t be my boyfriend, just sleep with me,” even though that’s not what I want!? – L

Dear L: My advice is going to sound very boilerplate expert-lady, but bear with me for a bit.

I suggest you stop having flings. I’m not suggesting this for any moral reasons. This has nothing to do with what your grandmother would or would not approve of. I’m also not suggesting you stop having flings for any dumb market-based reasons—you know, you set yourself up as a precious commodity and therefore drive up your worth in the men of the world’s eyes. You’re not a commodity; you’re a person, and what you do behind closed doors is nobody’s business but your own.

I’m suggesting this because, ultimately, having flings isn’t making you happy. Yes, they are great in the moment, and maybe even the potential future anxiety and heartbreak seems worth it sometimes. I get it. Sometimes you just want to take whatever bit of goodness life throws you, however fleeting. Resisting that temptation can be very hard. I know. I’ve been there.

But I think it’s worth it. If you stop having flings, then you will never again be in the position you often find yourself in—feeling rejected after a one- (or two- or three-) night stand. Instead, you’re making clear to your friend/flirt that you’re interested in a real relationship, so it’s on him to prove he’s worthy of physical intimacy.

You say you’re smart, confident and opinionated—good. Keep that.

Any dude who can’t handle a woman who speaks her mind (which, by the way, I don’t see as a particularly “male” trait) isn’t worth the bother, as far I’m concerned.

So don’t worry about changing your inner essence, or trying to fashion yourself into the type of woman you think men want. Be the smart, confident, opinionated woman who doesn’t let men push her around. Be the smart, confident, opinionated woman who says “Sorry, I’m going to need more information before I invite you upstairs.”

Will this magically make men decide you’re someone they want to shower with romance? I don’t know, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about playing games or manipulating men. It’s about taking control. It’s about keeping your head clear of the men who aren’t worth your affection, so that you can be present for the one who is.

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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