Mokokoma Mokhonoana's Blog: Essays by Mokokoma Mokhonoana - Posts Tagged "conditional"

Why do you — or did you — love your mother? If she was not your mother, but still the very same person, would you have loved her still?

Though most of us have never really given this a thought; we love our loved ones, merely because they are our loved ones. And, also, because society subtly hints that it is normal, expected, or, a must, that one love one’s loved ones.

It is, for that reason, safe to assert that we love people because of their having met a condition or twelve — not because of them being them.

There are two types of such conditions: One is external. For example, society’s expectation that children love their parents. Or that siblings love each other. The other is internal. That is, conditions that we demand — consciously or subconsciously — that people meet, before we can “feel” like we love them. Typical conditions like, ”I am into tall guys … “, or, ”… I love women with big boobs.”

So, technically, a person cannot really be loved. The closest we get … is loving something (or, if we are lucky: “somethings”) about that person.* If that is the case, isn’t love, then, conditional?

If love isn’t conditional, why doesn’t everybody love everybody?

If you love your lover merely because of them being, say, a joker, and then, they stopped joking, would you then still love your lover?

Let’s take, as an example, your ex-lovers: What do they have in common? Your answer to that is what you loved (and, probably, still do) — not them.

Furthermore, the answer, to the above question, is not limited to a person’s so-called character. For a man’s possessions, too, can be a reason that a woman truly believes that she is in love with him.

One might love a thing for its usefulness, its beauty, or, the social standing that the thing gives them. But never the thing in itself. What one really loves, when they claim to love a meal, is the nutritional benefits that that meal has, or, the taste that they get from the meal — not the meal in itself.

Most obese people do not really love food. What they love is the comfort, as temporary as it might be, that eating provides them with.

People don’t really love porn. What they love is the “excitement” that porn gives rise to (and, possibly, the orgasms that a porn episode usually leads its “audience” to).

Things are means to ends. What people love is the ends, not the means.

To further illustrate my point, let’s bring to mind, how a relationship typically begins:

A stranger meets another. No love is claimed or felt? But after a few months, weeks, or, minutes of “getting to know each other” — the two feel what they call love (for each other).

If it is possible to love a person — not things (character, beliefs, looks, etc.) about that person — Why, then, do we see the “getting to know each other” phase as pivotal?

The simplest point that I can think of, to support my argument, is that of hatred.

We are told that hatred is the opposite of love. Now, question is, Can you really hate something or someone without any reason (conscious or not) at all?

If you answered “No,” Can you then love something or someone without any reason (conscious or not) at all (i.e., without them meeting a condition or six)?

Whether intentional or not, consciously or not, we almost always earn both being loved, and, being hated.

(Love is a by-product of a condition met. To be loved is to have met a condition or four.)

*That statement brings to the table, the question, What is a person? Or, rather, What makes a person that person? That deserves a writing of its own.

© Mokokoma Mokhonoana [ mokokoma.com + @mokokoma ]