Esther Spurrill Jones's Blog

They taught me I was broken, flawed,

And so I lived my life a fraud.

I hid the truth so deep inside,

Even from myself I’d hide.

You came and broke my chains, got rid of the facade.

I dreamed of being strange and weird,

And yet I constantly appeared

So ordinary, normal, drab.

My friends were cool and different, fab;

Devoid of colour, I was grey and dull and drear.

The door began to swing ajar,

And deep inside a rainbow star

Expelled the shadows, dim and grey,

Welcomed in the light so gay,

Revealed the colours in my soul so bright and clear.

I am holy

I am weird

I am mighty

I am queer

I am your sister, your lover, your friend

I am strong enough to bend

I am quiet

I am fierce

I am contrary and diverse

I am pious

I am free

I am no one else

I am me

I wander as an alien

I study and I mimic you

Pretending to be human too

I drop the mask now and again

Although I fear you’ll think me queer

I want to live outside my den

To see the sun and sky so blue

I wander as an alien

Now I must choose which path I want to take:

Can I be fake and part of me refuse?

Will I embrace the whole of who I am?

They’ll say I’m damned no matter what the case.

For me to be myself I must be true

To all of who I am: I must be free.

But do they need to know the inner part

Inside my heart, the corners where I bleed?

I’ve dithered here at crossroads for so long:

What’s right or wrong? I can’t control my fear;

I can’t decide what I should or say.

Is there a way they won’t be horrified?

If only I could see the future now,

I would know how to end this quandary.

The rain that falls upon the thirsty ground;

The wind that dances with the grass and trees;

The sun and moon and stars that twinkle ‘round;

The reverence that brings me to my knees;

The ferns of frost painted upon the leaves;

The peace and stillness in the dead of night;

The words upon the page that set me free;

The power that was birthed in me to write;

That I am me ne’er ceases to astound;

It all is magic, mighty and profound.

I have always revelled in the weird,

The uncanny never feared,

Peculiar and queer

I revere:

Odd.

On the surface, my life has appeared

Normal, but beneath it’s clear

I am strange and weird.

I’m sincere:

Flawed.

My Creator has not disappeared;

Fingerprints are very clear,

In likeness so near;

He is weird:

God.

I chose a new form today: the Triquint.

Who are you to tell me what to feel?

I will not kneel no matter what you do.

You won’t subdue me for my spine is steel:

I must be real and stand for what is true,

For I cannot be anyone but me,

And you can’t see the secrets in my thoughts.

No matter what my heart is always free;

I have the key to open and to shut.

I broke the chains that kept my discord tied,

And now inside my heart the chaos reigns,

And in my veins the disarray presides:

The mess provides a greater part of gains.

Who are you to tell me what to feel?

I will not kneel no matter what you do.

You won’t subdue me for my spine is steel:

I must be real and stand for what is true,

For I cannot be anyone but me,

And you can’t see the secrets in my thoughts.

No matter what my heart is always free;

I have the key to open and to shut.

I broke the chains that kept my discord tied,

And now inside my heart the chaos reigns,

And in my veins the disarray presides:

The mess provides a greater part of gains.

One day I’ll spread my wings and fly away,

But not today for I am not yet free.

I will be me and leave behind the grey,

Over the rainbow and across the sea.

I see ahead a door and I will go

Through it and show just who I am to all,

And if I fall You’ll catch me, that I know,

And I will grow and realize Your call.

Although I dread the condemnation and

Fear I’ll be banned from church and family,

I must be free so I must take a stand,

And so I’ve planned for I know You’re with me,

For You have said You’ll not leave or forsake,

And if they break my heart, You will restore.

Fling wide the door; I’m ready to awake.

Your hand I’ll take; together we will soar.

Now I will shed the filthy rags of fear:

The way is clear; I must leave my hideout,

And I will shout of how You kept me near.

You made me queer and now I must come out.

I dreamed of magic as a child;

I wanted wizards to be real;

I wished that I could do a spell,

And that the world was free and wild.

As I grew

I learned that facts

Aren’t always truth,

But I still believe

In freedom

And magic.

And though the colours oft go dull,

And life is sometimes but a trial,

Still I will always be beguiled,

And magic will always appeal.

Behind the clouds,

The rainbow waits,

The sun is always there:

A silver lining,

A pot of gold,

And magic.

Je crois toujours à la magie

et j'en croirai à tout jamais.