Beverly Engel's Blog
March 19, 2024
IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT
In this gentle guide, therapist and childhood abuse expert Beverly Engel presents a mindfulness and compassion-based therapeutic approach to help you overcome the debilitating shame that keeps you tied to the past. By following the step-by-step exercises in this audiobook, you’ll gain a greater understanding of the root cause of your shame. And by cultivating compassion toward yourself, you will begin to heal and move past your painful experiences.
Recent studies show that trauma survivors, particularly those with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) resulting from abuse, can greatly benefit from incorporating elements of self-compassion into their treatment. Furthermore, the practice of self-compassion has been shown to decrease PTSD symptoms, including, self-criticism, thought suppression, and rumination.
This audiobook is based on the author’s powerful and effective Compassion Cure program. With this audiobook, you will develop the skills needed to finally put a stop to the crippling self-blame that keeps you from moving on and being happy. You’ll learn to focus on your strengths, your courage, and your extraordinary ability to survive. Most of all, you’ll learn to replace shame with its counter emotion – pride.
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March 17, 2024
I’M SAYING NO!
I’m Saying No! is written specifically for these women―women who are still afraid to speak up for themselves, women who need to learn how to do so, and women whose personal history of child sexual abuse or sexual assault as an adult has wounded them so much that they have lost their voice. Here, Beverly Engel―an internationally recognized psychotherapist and acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse―offers a ground-breaking program to help all the women who have been silenced by past trauma, women who were raised to believe they didn’t have a right to say no, and women who have spoken out in the past only to go unheard.
Bold and timely, I’m Saying No! offers women the encouragement, support, and guidelines they need in order to become the powerful women they are―women who believe in themselves and stand up for themselves.
Editorial Reviews
“Beverly Engel knows how hard it can be to speak your truth when it comes to assaults on women, and in her new self-help book, she aims to help women who have fallen victim to these crimes. I’m Saying No! provides a guide for those who are too afraid to speak up and get the justice they deserve.”
―Parade, “10 Life-Changing Self-Help Books Every Woman Should Read in 2019”
“I’m Saying No! serves as an empowering guide for women as they learn how to own their ‘No!” Beverly empowers readers to stand up against sexual assault, sexual harassment, and sexual pressure, while equipping them with practical tools to do so. The author pulls from her three decades of experience as a licensed psychotherapist and advocate for victims to help women both build their courage and find their voice. Through well-researched explanations, real-life stories from clients, and helpful guides, Engel builds on the momentum of #MeToo and #TimesUp by encouraging readers to speak out.”
―Fupping.com, “8 Definitive Books on Feminism and Its Struggle”
“Engel’s tone is chatty and empowering as she reminds victims that they can move past an assault, and encourages all women to become comfortable at expressing anger . . . The book does a good job of presenting strategies to develop self-awareness, recognize potential threats, and get out of problematic situations. A useful guide to combating sexual violence and raising women’s self-esteem.”
―Kirkus Reviews
“Beverly provides much-needed strategies, information, and support for every woman who has or is still being traumatized by any kind of sexual misconduct, whether it is in the workplace or elsewhere. I strongly recommend it for all women no matter their age or circumstances.”
―Gretchen Carlson, television journalist, best-selling author of Be Fierce and empowerment advocate
“This book is an excellent resource that helps women who have experienced sexual assault, sexual harassment, and sexual pressure to use their voice to speak truth and take a stand. An empowering book that I highly recommend.”
―Raychelle Cassada Lohmann, author of The Sexual Trauma Workbook for Teen Girls
“In her latest book, Engel provides readers with useful guidance for saying no to would-be sexual abusers and encourages readers to practice what it feels like to use those two simple but imperfect letters―N-O!―a skill that benefits people of all ages.”
―Holly Kearl, founder of Stop Street Harassment
“It’s easy enough to tell women to ‘say no’ but, in reality, there is nothing easy about saying no if you are a woman. Engel’s book doesn’t only shed light on why this remains true, even in the age of MeToo and TimesUp, but it provides readers with critical, pragmatic tools and strategies designed to confront and report gender harassment, sexual assault, and childhood abuse effectively.”
―Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger
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Two Quizzes
If you answer yes to even one of the following questions, you could be a partner in a mutually destructive, emotionally abusive relationship.
Are You Being Emotionally Abused?Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child?Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions and feelings?Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells,” wary of your partner’s mood?Is your partner jealous and resentful of the time you spend with friends and family?Does your partner usually insist on making the decisions and getting his own way?Does your partner punish you by pouting, withdrawing, or withholding sex?Does you partner constantly accuse you of flirting or having affairs, without foundation?Does your partner seem impossible to please, finding fault with whatever you do?Does your partner frequently put you down in front of others?Does your partner blame you for his or her own problems?Does your partner viciously tease and then accuse you of not being able to take a joke?Does your partner find it impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong?Does your partner pressure you to engage in sexual acts that you find abhorrent?Are You Being Emotionally Abusive?Do you perceive of yourself as being smarter or somehow “better than” your partner?Do you threaten to leave the house or end the relationship when you don’t get your way?Do you think your partner is too sensitive and easily bruised by your teasing?Have you ever denied saying or doing something to make your partner doubt his sanity?Do you experience frequent mood shifts, going from loving to rejecting within minutes?Do you believe your partner should be willing to have sex whenever you are in the mood?Do you believe your partner should put other things aside to tend to your needs?Do you often telephone your partner at work or at home for reassurance of his love?Do you question your partner incessantly about her activities when you are apart?Do you insist on being in control of the money in the relationship?Do you expect your partner to always have the same opinions and passions as you?Have you ever threatened to destroy something of value to your partner?Have you ever thrown or broken objects in an attempt to scare your partner?Adapted from THE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel (Wiley; October 2002).
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March 16, 2024
Healing Your Emotional Self
“Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children’s self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more positive self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child.”–Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents. In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Engle’s insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing process, and her writing style is lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives.”–Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear of Intimacy
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Blessings from the Fall
Being in a relationship with a man or woman who suffered sexual abuse as a child can be both difficult and rewarding. She or he may experience emotional swings and relive long-buffed memories which cannot include you. At the same time, the partner of an adult survivor has the opportunity to provide the love and support that can make a critical difference in recovery.
In the first book written for the mates, lovers, and friends of survivors of childhood sexual abuse, renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel gently guides both survivors and their partners step by step through the seven phases of recovery, including what to expect from one another and how to live through the difficult times. She separates myth from truth and includes important information on understanding, believing, and accepting the fact of abuse. She also offers validation for the anger, frustration, and helplessness you are bound to feel.
With her unique understanding of both sides of the relationship, as survivor and therapist, Beverly Engel advises partners on questions and concerns surrounding the balance of power, issues of control, and sexual problems. And finally, she discusses how one partner’s recovery can change a relationship and how to determine whether the relationship is still working for both of you.
Hopeful and caring, Partners in Recovery can help survivors and those who love them through one of the most challenging times they will ever face together.
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Partners in Recovery
Being in a relationship with a man or woman who suffered sexual abuse as a child can be both difficult and rewarding. She or he may experience emotional swings and relive long-buffed memories which cannot include you. At the same time, the partner of an adult survivor has the opportunity to provide the love and support that can make a critical difference in recovery.
In the first book written for the mates, lovers, and friends of survivors of childhood sexual abuse, renowned author and therapist Beverly Engel gently guides both survivors and their partners step by step through the seven phases of recovery, including what to expect from one another and how to live through the difficult times. She separates myth from truth and includes important information on understanding, believing, and accepting the fact of abuse. She also offers validation for the anger, frustration, and helplessness you are bound to feel.
With her unique understanding of both sides of the relationship, as survivor and therapist, Beverly Engel advises partners on questions and concerns surrounding the balance of power, issues of control, and sexual problems. And finally, she discusses how one partner’s recovery can change a relationship and how to determine whether the relationship is still working for both of you.
Hopeful and caring, Partners in Recovery can help survivors and those who love them through one of the most challenging times they will ever face together.
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Families in Recovery
This sensitive and compassionate guide offers information and encouragement for siblings and parents of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, teaching how family members can support a survivor while uniting in mutual recovery. Chapters explore prevention, reconciliation, and the special healing necessary when the perpetrator is a family member.
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Sensual Sex
Just what is “sensual sex”? And how is it different from the sexual thrills promised in other books and programs? According to internationally known relationship expert Beverly Engle, sexual sex:
uses all five senses—sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch—for a deeply satisfying erotic experience
focuses on pleasure and surrender, not performance and orgasm
Sensual Sex is not about “quickies” or mechanically aided orgasm, fantasy or pornography; it is about slow, sensuous, artful lovemaking that feels good to both partners. Through a series of innovative exercises and games, readers learn to reconnect with their own bodies and establish intimate trust with lovers.
The book includes a one-of-a-kind “Reawakening Your Senses” program designed ot engage couples in a whole new level of sensation. A section on”Liquid Love” focuses on the sensory pleasures of baths, showers, and essential oils. “Deeper Love” offers an introduction to Tantric sex. And “The Four Seasons of Sensuous Passion” explores the stages of an intimate relationship and the sensual techniques that can strengthen each phase of love.
Sensual Sex can heighten the excitement of new love and put the spark back into long-term relationships. The intimate exercises in Sensual Sex offer new options for those looking to heal relationship woulds. With Sensual Sex you can touch the heart of your partner and feel whole again.
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The Parenthood Decision
Most people realize, however, that just wanting a baby doesn’t mean you are physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared to have one. Nor does the desire to have a baby necessarily mean you will be a good parent.
The Parenthood Decision will help potential parents resolve their conflicts about this major decision. Here, Beverly Engel helps readers find their own answers to questions such as: “Am I ready to be a parent?” “What should I do if I am ready and my partner is not?” “Will I be a better parent than my parents?” “How will having a baby affect my relationship?” “What are the mistakes I am most likely to make and how can I avoid them?” “Should I have a baby on my own?” By presenting important information, posing thought-provoking questions and providing exercises, Engel helps both those who are unclear whether this is the right time for them to become parents and those who are undecided about whether parenthood is right for them.
Armed with the self-knowledge The Parenthood Decision provides, readers will finish the book confident in their potential-parenthood decision.
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March 15, 2024
Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem
Renowned psychotherapist! Beverly Engel understand the powerful, debilitating effects of low self-esteem and provides insight into its causes, from unspoken negative messages about sex we received as children, to traumatic first sexual encounters, to sexual abuse. With both authority and compassion, she helps you gain confidence, enjoyment, and pleasure in your life. Here are stories form! ordinary people from all walks of life, discussing their sexual issues, illuminating the problems that are so universal. here, too, is the solid, positive help they received from Engel, help that has proven successful in her practice time and again.
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