M. Price's Blog: Jhaegar Holdburn's (and M. Price's) Movie Reviews (Cuz Why Should We Settle just for Books?)

The BK Stacker plunges into cosmic blackness. Surfing galactic light beams, riding with asteroids alongside Richard Branson. Richard reaches for the Stacker. He takes a bite and finds himself to be limitless. Ascending to relevancy, Richard becomes a virgin star as the Stacker restores itself and Burger King stock rises, finally making M. Price a profit so they may stop trying to pawn their book onto people via a Goodreads blog. But is Burger King stock even a thing?

Shut up

Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it.

But yeah, the Stacker keeps plunging or something.

(Somewhere Else, deep in the Realms of the Unreal)

THE BURGATORIUM

our camera crew finds Jhaegar screaming and wailing, chicken sandwiches and perennially cold mozz sticks jammed down his throat, cold carbonation, at least not hot, not scorching but still not doing any favors to his insides, signalling his time is short, that soon he'll be a YouTube star, that soon YouTube will demonetize him, that soon we'll demonize him, that soon--

--oh my JESUS oh my GOD--

BK STACKER! YEAH YEAH YEAH!

shatters the shackles of the shivering schlup known as Jumpin' J. Hager Holdburrr, soon to be Holdburnt, as the Stacker unleashes Stacker Sauce into the drains and showerheads of THE BURGATORIUM clogging and backing up their nonsense chicken sauce like why does every burger place need chicken sandwiches now like actually why does anyone even eat burgers anymore but it's fine cuz THE BURGATORIUM BURNS or should I say BURGS and Jhaegar is flown to safety on thick carpets of bacon and cheese

"You saved me, Mr. Stacker."

...

"How can I ever repay you?"

...

"Huh?"

The Stacker proclaims to Jhaegar:

Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it.

Jhaegar realizes it wasn't about slaughtering M. Price and all the Sellouts like him, but instead about the friends we Stacked along the way.

Life is a Stacker. There's beef. And cheese. And bacon. And Stacker Sauce. Sometimes even a lack of such named parts, or even extras such as lettuce or tomato, as long as you Have it Your Way. Our Way. Our Way is here. Down here. Up there is Their Way. Their Way's up there.

Everyone's a Piece on a Stacker.

Everyher's a Piece we Hardly Know.

Jhaegar looks into himself.

Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it up. Stack it.

This blog's meandered too long. We'll learn to live without it.

The Constellation is Complete. Earth is filled with (many) things. One such thing is

Catharsis

"Ah shit, what's da moron done now?"

"It appears Jhaegar has been lured, or possibly tricked, though with him it matters little, into the grasp of The Burgatorium."

"Oh, just forget it. How many times--I swear--how many times did I warn da guy?! How many times, Rooz?! Every time, I'd be like, "'Kay dumbass, der only a few rules down here, but one a da main ones is ta NEVA EVA DON'T ya fuckin' DARE do--an'--UGH dat MORON--"

"--Yes, yes, yes, I am aware, please refrain from this destruction, you are frightening Attila her--"

"--I give a fuck, huh? HUH? Tell 'im ta prance 'is rapin' ass back ta dat shithole 'e farted 'imself outta. I'd take Ziad any day!"

"Yes, Ms. Lady Satan, I thank you--"

"Shut da fuck up, did I tell ya ta talk? No. No, I didn't."

"Yes, Ms. Lady Satan, I thank you again for unde--"

"Ziad, please refrain from--" "What da fuck did I just--?"

"Regardless, Jhaegar must be saved. He has already fallen victim to Chicken Sandwich Clutches. If he is not rescued within the week, he will be lost forever."

"Oh yeah? 'Lost foreva?'"

"Fine. Lost more than usual, but a loss we cannot afford. Do you realize what a world spearheaded by Jhaegar's fast food suggestions will look like?"

...

"Do you?"

...

...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pain and Torment fuh a thousand years, but I can't do nothin' ta no Burgatorium. It's, uh, it's--how do ya--it's outta my--(lemme check)--outta my 'Jur-ish-dick-shun.'"

"Do not jest with me."

"Oh, I ain't jestin', man."

"Well...then we are left with only...no...no, we could not afford such a risk..."

"Ah, you a humanitarian now?"

"Quiet...sigh...through my research, I have discovered one other means of combating The Burgatorium..."

"Oh yeah? An' what da Hell is dat supposed to be, huh?"

I hesitate, not out of ignorance, out of a mad scramble to formulate an answer...but out of fear. Out of the anguish and dread I know I am about to loose upon the earth by merely speaking its name...

My eyes rise to meet Satan's...

I whisper...

"The BK Stacker...It has Returned..."



To be concluded in: Part Final - (Only) Hold me Once you Go

ENTER the BURGATORIUM

grates in the floor

nozzles in the ceiling

WELCOME to the BURGATORIUM

HOW may we BURG?

please BURG ME

BURG ME

commence the BURG

exeunt the BURGATORIUM

dripping through the pipes your nose is burnt and we all float to the sewer

IUM

POOP I'S
by Poop
(review by Jumpin' Jhaegar Holdburn)

see previous post

abyssal, a husk, a splintered longing of an idyllic, flavored kaleidoscope out of Ten

WINGSTOP CHICKEN SANDWICH
by Wingstop (or is it Rick Ross?)
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Okay, what the actual jump is going on?

I don't even eat out! (Well...hehe...) But I don't even go out! And why would I get a chicken sandwich? I'm an American--and from the Midwest--get a burger--Culver's, dude (oh my oh my mushroom and swiss) cuz why would I mess with a chimpkin (chicken, sorry) chicken fried salad sandwich? Who want's that? That's like, uh, that's like ordering the baked potato at Wendy's!

"Big ol' bowl of Wendy's chili!"

shut up shut up shut up shut

But yeah, Rick Ross--is he real? I gave my friend my Rick Ross book like a week after I got it and read it and, like, I'm not kidding, it's been years. At what point after you lend someone something does it become theirs? Like, if I steal a car and hang on to it longer than the initial owner owner-ed it, are the cops just like, "Yeah, this guy's probably a nutjob, but he's technically owned it longer than you, so go to Hell," and then like, ya know?

How many more things can I--?

Get out of here, Jhaegar

Go Go

You're in Goodreads

Goodreads? What's that supposed to mean? Does this--

--oh my jumpin' Christ, the chicken sandwich!

Why's it doing this? Why's it looking at me? Why's there a dog in here? I know this is Wingstop, but aren't there still leash laws?! Why isn't he leashed? Why have I been leashed? What have I unleashed?

Some ne et me ou ttttta he

its too late

HI! JHAEGAR HOLDBURN HERE! I HEREBY beDUB THE WINGSTOP LEMON PEPPER CHICKEN SADWITCH EXTRA LUGUBRIOUS as well as THICK, HEARTY, AND A BALANCED FINISH TO YOUR UNBALANCED DAY! CHAOS REIGNS!

Perfect Ten out of Ten

DOING MY LAUNDRY
by Jhaegar Holdburn
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Jumpin' Christ, what happened to my review of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle? I'm not even doing my laundry now, I'm already done with it--stop stop stop--oh my jumpin' I can smell it--the laundry! The stir fry! White Castle has been replaced with stir fry! Why doesn't South Dakota have White Castles? We fit the bill for being poor, don't we?!

Wait, who else lived in a White Castle?

Walt Disney, that You-Know-What hating jerk! Can he really not leave me alone, even in death? Why's he making me do laundry--I don't have a Deadmaus shirt! Oh wait, there it is again! Maus! Maus (ya know? Cuz of the You-Know-What)! I can't believe this guy! And Mugman just TOLERATES this? I can see Cuphead, but MUG MAAAAN?

I hate folding this stupid nonsense! No one sees it anyway! No one asks about my folds! Why do fat people always get asked about THEIR folds?! Why can't we care about all folds--about all Cups--I care about smaller cups than other guys (This is Known (clearlysuperiorKristilakesuperior) and I get those adds! I GET THE ADDS, don't you REALIZE THIS? Disney's obfuscating my microcosm in their macrosystem. They want me 4 J. Cole my clothes. They want me to pretend I'm clever. They want you to think they're clever. And you know what?!?!?!

They'll get what they want.
They'll get what they want.
They'll get what they want.
Left sleeve over right (superior)
Left (clearly) over down nose
Up and around
Around the Clown Town
Into Infinitely the Yawning goes

What's going on (What's goin' on?)?

THE MYTH OF SISYPHUS
by Albert Camus
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Isn't this another book? What'd I eat this weekend?

(Typing this from the bathroom)

Now that I think about it, my Bathroom Sojourns seem to mirror my own personal "Myth" you could say. I know that eating anything other than a peanut butter sandwich gives me diarrhea, yet I still continue to eat cuz eating--maybe doesn't give me meaning in life--we're all cosmicsists in here--but gives me something to look forward to--so that if I didn't have diarrhea of the body via food, I'd have diarrhea of the mind via a lack of food. Very Small Hunger vs. Big Hunger is I do so say myself.

I wonder if Steve June has read this book? I wonder if I've read this book? I wonder if "Steve June" is really his real name? Does anyone read these reviews or are they also a Sisyphean task? Isn't everything a Sisyphean task at that point? Isn't (and you're telling me Camus DIDN'T kill himself???) if Steve June would ever kill Maggie July--NO!--Maggie MAY, even though Steve was the one who got baseball-batted she batted her eyes and made it a few more Sisy-sons to the end of the show so it could be argued that she Beat our guy Steve Les' he comes out of the boulderhouse to green her. I wish I was greened.

It is, after all, my ethnic identifier.

Still don't do books

MEDITATIONS
by Marcus Aurelius
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Wait, isn't this a book...what do you want me to do here?

Uh...it's alright, ya know? I mean, I've read it. It's not Spawn or anything, but it's...a book...actually! Not really--it's more of a journal--a journal he didn't even intend to make--or at least, have people lightyears away read--so I guess it's kinda...kinda...inta...what's the word? A what look into someone's mind?

I don't know, but he sure dumps on people a lot. Like half of the book (journal) is him hating his life and telling himself to be patient with all his coworkers or something, like get a new job, dude. You'd think he be able to...maybe they had a recession, too? He doesn't go into the "economic and social--" --I can't even make the reference, but yeah, it's mostly gloom and doom about how he hates everything around him. You'd think--ya know, you'd really think--that even as Emperor of the Entire Underground Sub-Station that he'd be okay with what he has...or are we just gonna always be pissed?

"Oh, Jimmy John dinked up my sandwich!"

"Oh, Jersey Mike zorked down my jalajalapeno chips!"

Like, get over it. And that's coming from ME!

Sorry, I don't really do books

SPACE IS THE PLACE
by John Coney (but basically Sun Ra)
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

To be honest, I don't even know who John Coney is. We're not here for him, we're here for the Afrofuturist, tongue-in-cheek (at least according to me) philosopher, jazz iconoclast, Sun Ra and his intergalactic or whatever other space preposition Arkestra.

(Coney does have a great low angle, kinda Dutch angle, too, chase shot in the end that's very well composed with exceptional momentum)

But Sun Ra and his story of my-sto(e)ry. And unlike his story, Sun Ra's story never repeats itself. I repeat myself sometimes, but that's Price's story, not M.'s stery. The God Particle links upon the draining Czhain in the Daises rain for The Sunrise. What are we waiting for? The Sunrise. The Sunrise of Sun Ra's (Sun Sun's) Afrofuturist...uh...future. Cuz Space is the Place (and we like it like that) escaping the Matrix so Andrew Tate will think we're passable and gold-digging, hash-slinging, Klaus Kinski and his predatory hands wringing, perfect red-pilled-Paradise.

Neo's Neophyte fighting in this Neo Fight

Mr. Ra - Mystery - Mr. Mystery

But who asks after Mr. E.?

Eazy-E?

Is Mr. E. a Real G?

Or did he snatch the Black from Thee?

Four Stars out of Four

NEAR DARK
by Bill Paxton
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Piss, it's by Kathryn Bigelow, isn't it? Now everyone's gonna think I'm sexist (well, they already did), but sorry I just focus on Bill Paxton, then again, how could you NOT?!?!?! It's Bill Paxton...as a VAMPIRE..."FINGER-LICKIN' GOOD!"

What do you want? Like, what MORE could you want? You can even just skip to his scenes, who cares about the rest? That's what I did...I guess I don't even know how the movie ends cuz I just turned it off once Bill died (oh, piss, spoiler alert, sorry) cuz it's like...what else is there for me here?

Why do people care about chumps like Leo DiCapricotti or whatever his...ya know? Give me Bill Paxton any day. Bill Paxton...Bill Paxton...Bill Paxton...

I don't know Stars out of Four, didn't watch the end (hey, at least I'm honest)