Arti Honrao's Blog: musings of an insomniac

day by daymemory by memoryshe got rid of her pastlayer by layershe stripped herselfof what was. she stood shivering vulnerable, exposed, emotionally nakedher wounds raw and painful to touch.she stared at the darknesswaiting -for the surge of energyto take the first step that would plunge herinto the unknown where she’d be someone newsomeone, no one knew.
he came in her lifethe bright light in the darkhe covered her naked vulnerabilitywith the sheet of his lovehe kissed away the painhealing the wo...

she learned to hide her tearswhen her daddy said - “ my heart aches when you cry”
she learned to behave like a boywhen her daddy said -“you are my son”
she learned to have longer conversationswhen her daddy said -“you make my day when you talk”
she learned to hate her mother when her daddy said - “your mother does not love me”
one day -her daddy left her,walked out of her life forever.
now - someone else is learning the same things to please her daddywhile she has now learned to wipe her mother’s tea...

ek puraana khat mila aaj mujhetumne di hui kitaab mein chipa huakagaz peela ho gaya tha sihaayi feeki ho gayi thi.par aaj bhi uss khat meintumhara chehra saaf nazar aa raha tha har ek lafz tumne likha huaaankhon se hokar dil mein utar raha tha theek waise hi -jaise kayee saalon pehle hua tha.aaj bhi main waise hi muskurayijaise tab muskurayi thi.
kuch saalon baadsihayi aur feeki ho jaayegishayad likhe shabd mit jaayengelekin jazbaat waise hi rahengetumhari meri prem kahani ki gawahi dete…


एक पुरान...

i know life is not fair it’s tougha hurricane sometimes,and ofteni am not there for you when you need mebecause i have my own demons to deal with
i promise -i will try to be therefor you when the going gets toughwhen you need a hand to holda shoulder to rest your tired head on
i assure youi am just a phone call awayjust in case - i do not answerknow that i am lost, tooand we’d need to find each other.


(C) Arti Honrao, All Rights Reserved

you think you know me but you don’tyou imagine how my life isit is your fictionnot my story.
you create a characterwrite a scenariowhere i am who you think i am but that’s justthe me version of you.
in my non-fictioni am who i amwho i always will be.i do not have anything to hidethat does not meani will show you all that i have. 
you think you see everythingthat isbut it’s just the tipof the icebergthere’s lot going oninside,below the surfacethat you cannot fathomdo not try tofigure out what you ca...

sometimesnothing seems worth the effortyet she keeps going onbreathe in breathe outsleep, wake up, eat, shitstand up, walk, sit downchores.new day.repeat.
somewherein between the monotonyare randomly dispered momentsthat make it all worthmomentarily.at times she feels those moments slipping like sand from her gripshe holds on, still -to the moments that remainthe sand particles stuck to her palm.
breathe in breathe out go on -keep going on.
(C) Arti Honrao, All Rights Reserved

lingering memorieschain of mountainsbirds singing their songgreen meadowsand -the river that runs through 
vivid memoriesof us walking along the river bankfingers intertwinedlying on the wet grassidentifying shapes of cloudsrocks singing us a melodious songas the river runs through
i still go theresometimesto relive the moments of togethernessour presence still lingersamidst the mountains the meadows i still see you lying on the grassyour voice lostin the sound of the river that runs through
you be...

i sit in a corner and think of the days that once were trying my best not to thinkof the days to come...because I remember reading - anxiety happens when you think -you have to figure out everything all at once. 
i take each day as it comes ‘one day at a time’ - a mantrai remember from a movie.i have been living in the present for a long time since when - i can hardly remember,not that it really matters.today i forget about what happened yesterdayday before is a distant memory.
some might call it ...

it was what kept her alivenow, it lay abandonedin some corner ...in the recesses of her mind.
she lay motionless in her roomlosing herself in the darkness of nothingnessfalling falling falling deep into the unknown a bottomless pit.
her mind worked incessantlysearching for what was lostthe muse -it was what kept her alivenow, it was nowhere to be foundan alphabetblurredit came to hershe grasped itwith the tentacles of her mind.
it was coming back to herslow and randomalphabetswordssentences
a spark ...

We all are knowingly unknowingly playing a game for survival.
The game of "let's-see-how-much”and“what-I-can-do-to-please-people" and every single one of us, at some point or other in life, gets tired of playing that game. 
We take a 'time-please' and curl up into our solitary world, safe like a fetus in a mother's womb, surrounded by protective amniotic fluid and the sac. 
In this world we do not have to please anyone; not even ourselves. Just BE. EXIST. QUIET - SERENE; until the labor pain & the ...