Kathy Zebert's Blog

Do you think you know Callie?  Discover one of the shocking moments of her past in this sneak peak at my work in progress…

Sunday dinners were the absolute best with the Forsythe family.  Callie had first been introduced to them about two weeks after she and Rick had started dating, and they embraced her with loving arms.  Austin was such a large city and seemed light-years away from Mississippi, and because she’d only just moved a few months prior, these dinners with Southern fare, laughter and pranks made her feel a little less homesick for her own family. 

The entire Forsythe crew of 30, including grandchildren, would all attend Sunday morning church services and then gather in Rick’s parents’ home just a few miles away, meeting in the kitchen to prepare dinner ­­– or lunch, as Callie had grown up calling it. Contrary to the traditional meal prep which Callie was used to, the Forsythe men cooked while the women sat and drank wine.

This is a life I could get accustomed to, Callie thought, taking a deep sigh as she took a sip of the sauvignon blanc Rick had just poured for her.  He was everything she wanted in a life partner… at least so far.  He was nothing like the boys back in Mississippi she’d dated.  He came from a loving, prominent Austin family, he was driven to succeed in his family’s business, he was very attentive, and he had constantly showered her with lavish gifts over the two months they’d been dating.  Oh, and boy, was he gorgeous!  His shoulder-length, blond hair looked like he had it been professionally highlighted, with colors of wheat, gold and amber that glistened in the sunlight, and a body that would stir any young woman’s hormones.  But to add to his lengthy credits, he had told Callie that sex was off the table; that he wanted to get to know her.  She was going to hang onto him, and very tightly.

Interrupting her sweet daydream of being Rick’s wife, with two-point-five children, a German shepherd and a white picket fence down the street from his family, Rick’s mom Felicia asked, “Callie, how’s the new job going, Sweetie?”

Callie responded, “Oh, it’s really awesome so far.  I’m learning all sorts of new things, and my boss is super nice.  The girls in the office are a little too gossipy for me, though.”

Felicia patted her on the hand and said, “Oh, I understand completely.  I can remember my first job out of high school and having to deal with the gossipy sort.  You’re pretty much stuck with that in an office full of women.  As the new girl, if you don’t participate in it, they don’t trust you; and if you plunge right in, they backstab you.  But I have a tip that might help you.  Always use phrases like ‘I understand’ or ‘Really’ or “Oh, my goodness’.  Use of those phrases can keep you from getting into trouble with either side because no one can pin you down on an opinion.  And here’s another one:  Marry my son and quit your job.  He’s a great catch, you know.”

Rick, mashing the potatoes at the wraparound kitchen island, quickly joined the conversation and said, “Okay, Mom, slow down!  That’s a great tip if you want to send her running in the opposite direction.”

Felicia giggled and said, “I’m just trying to help her with that little gossip problem, Son.”

Callie didn’t quite know what to say except to smile because the conversation was awkward and everyone had stopped talking and started staring at her, but Rick followed up by adding, “Don’t fall for it, Callie.  She just wants to add more notches to her grandma belt.”

That comment led to everyone’s laughter, and the awkwardness turned to a more jovial mood.  Callie was relieved that Rick had stepped in, obviating her need to comment, because she wasn’t ready for marriage in reality, just in her daydream world.  There were too many things she wanted to accomplish before she committed herself to a lifetime with someone else.  She wanted to be a wife and a mom, but not now.  Definitely not now.

It was at about that time that dinner was ready to be put on the table, and Callie got up to help with the table settings in the formal dining room, just in case Felicia had any further comments on the marriage subject.  Rick’s teenage cousins Jasmine and Victoria got up to help her, while everyone else brought the dishes in and put them on the large table which, surprisingly, accommodated every member of the family.  Callie remembered Rick’s dad Clarke telling her that he’d had it built for that specific purpose.  It had three leaves, which were added on Sundays and holidays, and it was covered by a custom-made, white linen tablecloth accented with pearl-embellished, lace edges.

Once everyone was in their seats, they bowed their heads and held hands as Mr. Forsythe began the prayer.  “Dear, Lord.  Through your blessings, we come together on this Sunday to eat the bounty you’ve provided for us.  We thank you for those blessings, and we ask that you continue to bless us, one and all, and that the meal and togetherness can serve as nourishment for our souls.  In your name, we pray.  Amen.”

Everyone at the table said “Amen,” and the dishes were passed around.  This meal, as every other one Callie had eaten with her Austin family, didn’t disappoint.  She had learned to put less on her plate, though, because she had started to gain a few pounds over the last several months of Sunday carbs.  The menu for the day was harder to resist, though, because someone – she thought, perhaps Rick – had probably told Felicia her favorites, because they sat very prominently on the table, beckoning her taste buds. 

As Callie looked down one of the table, Felicia winked and smiled at her, letting her know that she was, indeed, the one who decided on all Callie’s favorites.  She knew what had to be done.  Remembering her Southern manners, but not to ditch her diet plan, she decided she’d have a taste of everything on the table, but it would be limited to smaller portions.  She took a small slice of pot roast, a dollop of mashed potatoes and gravy, a few baby carrots, green beans, a smidgen of broccoli-cheese casserole, macaroni and cheese, and one dinner roll.  Her plate was sufficiently full, she got a huge smile from Felicia, and her hips weren’t going to be ashamed of her later.

The plates were filled and Rick began to tell his high and low for the week.  It was the Forsythe tradition that each person did so, in no particular order.  It was a nice tradition, and Callie loved the fact that they included her in this.  Rick’s high was that he’d had the highest daily sales number so far in his year at the family’s large coffee import-export business.  It had been in the family for three generations, and it had thrived and grown since its inception.  Rick’s parents beamed with pride over his announcement, and the entire family clapped in support of him.  Even though his low wasn’t really a low, he said, “And my low was that I was five minutes late picking up Callie for our date on Tuesday.”

Callie rolled her eyes at that, but then added, “And my high was that he was five minutes late because he stopped to pick up my favorite chocolate-covered strawberries from the candy store.”  Rick grinned from ear to ear, gently kissed her on the cheek and said, “I’d do anything to make you smile, Callie.”

Clarke held up his glass of wine and toasted, “Here’s to my son, who knows how to win a sale and a lady.”

Uncle Bob, who’d spent most of every meal with a stern, blank face, added, “Here, here!” and actually almost smiled for the first time since Callie had met him.  Wow! He must really be impressed, thought Callie.  As the toast was complete, Bob’s wife, Amelia, asked, “And your low, Callie?”

Callie thought for a few brief seconds over the entire week and said, “My daddy said he missed me.”

The smiles turned to sad faces all around the table… until Rick said, “Babe, why didn’t you tell me?  We can take a trip home next weekend, if you want.  I’m sure Dad will give me a Saturday off, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to meet your family.”

Clarke responded, “Absolutely.  Family is everything.  Consider it a bonus for a job well-done, Son.”

This gracious gesture almost made Callie cry.  Instead, she fought back the tears, got up from the table and gave Clarke a proper thank-you with a huge hug.  The smiles now returned, and the highs and lows continued around the table.  Almost in sync with the last recount of the week, the meal was finished and the dishes were cleared.  The men retreated to the study to talk shop for the week that lay ahead while the women did the dishes and walked out to the porch to enjoy the autumn breeze and a pot of fresh-brewed tea… which Callie thought was comical, given that they had a coffee business.

After a few sips of tea, Callie politely excused herself to the bathroom.  Walking down the hallway towards the guest bath, she couldn’t help stopping to look at all the family photos.  Rick was the spitting image of his dad, who still had a full head of gray-blond hair, although neatly cut and appropriately styled with the current trends.  And Felicia, as it happened, was a Miss Texas in her early 20s.  Her youthful appearance had remained, which Callie thought was a consequence of her weekly tennis matches at the country club.  Callie hoped that she could look that fabulous when she was a grandma.

Her bladder getting fuller by the second, she continued down the hallway, but as she passed by the study just a few steps from the bathroom, the door was slightly ajar and she heard a comment from Clarke that caused her to stop again:

“Son, you’ve worked really hard over the last year, and I’m considering a promotion for you.”

How awesome! I’ve got to hear the rest of this, Callie thought, as any 20-year-old would.  As the conversation unfolded, however, Callie would regret her curious eavesdropping.  Rick was, of course, excited – at least from what she could hear from his tone of voice.

“Dad, really?” Rick said.  What kind of promotion?  I mean, it doesn’t really matter, but what is it?”

“Hold on, Son.  Don’t get ahead of me here.  I said I was considering it.  Before I give it to you, I have to know you’re committed enough to take it on.  The promotion I’d be looking at putting you in is district manager for the Southeastern U.S.  But in order to ascertain if you’re the best fit for it, I’m going to need you to handle a problem.  And I’ll need you to do what I say without asking any questions and without any reservations.”

As Callie stood there, her feet glued to the carpet, Clarke continued, “One of our competitors is trying to take our territory away from us in the Southeast.  I have an envelope here that I’m going to hand you with specific instructions of how you’re going to help us remedy that problem permanently.”

Rick asked, “What does that mean exactly, Dad?”

Bob responded this time, saying, “Are you sure he’s up for this, C?  You don’t want to send a boy for a man’s job.”

Clarke said, “He’s ready, and it’s time he understands how things work in the business.”

Callie was intently listening at this point because she was even more intrigued, but she was still clueless as to what big job they wanted Rick to do.  She hoped he wouldn’t have to go out of town for it, but it sounded as if that might be the case.

“But Dad, I still don’t know what you want me to.”

Again, Uncle Bob chimed in, “Rick, you have to take out the competition.  And just so you’re really clear what that means, you’ll meet with the guy, and you’ll come home, but he won’t.”

Callie couldn’t move, and she also couldn’t believe what Clarke had just proposed.  There was no way that her sweet Rick would ever agree to that.

Rick asked, seemingly confused, “You mean you want me to kill somebody?  Like, really take them out?  Like a hitman?”

“Exactly like that,” Clarke answered.

Callie, reeling from the conversation, thought, Have I landed in some plot for a movie? This has got to be a script.  It can’t be real!  It just can’t be!

But as Rick responded, she knew that it was. 

“Of course, Dad.  I’m up for it.  Family is everything, and I can handle this for you, if that’s what it takes to keep the business.”

Nearly breathless, Callie’s neck began to sweat and her pulse began to race.  Run!  Run now! she thought, but just as she was about to take a step towards the bathroom, she heard a voice.

“Callie, did you get lost? asked Felicia.  “I thought you were going to the bathroom.”

Befuddled, heart still racing, Callie dug deep and came up with a response.  “I got sidetracked looking at all the wonderful family photos.  I was just about to step into the bathroom when my heel got stuck in the carpet.  Dumb shoes!”

Felicia noticed the study door being ajar, reached around Callie and closed it shut and gave her a quizzical look.  “Okay.  Well, hurry on in there and join us back on the porch.  I’m about to serve up some apple pie with caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream.”

Without hesitation, Callie said, “I’ll be right there.  Thank you for checking on me, Felicia.”

Callie had never been happier to see any bathroom as she was at that moment.  She stepped in to calm her nerves and try to come up with a plan of escape without causing any undue suspicion as to why she had to leave quickly.  She didn’t have much time, but she’d always been great at figuring out a way to excuse herself from an uncomfortable situation.  Having a dad who was a youth court judge at the same time she was a teenager, Callie had learned a few tricks on how to leave trouble before it grabbed her by the hand and danced with her.

In just the amount of time it took to relieve her bladder, she decided she’d have a bite of pie and then feign a migraine.  She got them often, and Rick knew that she needed to be alone when they happened.  Getting out of the house should be easy enough.  But how in the world would she get out of this minefield she’d stepped into?

How will Callie get out of this without causing suspicion?  Or will she?  I’d love to hear your thoughts so far.  Feel free to leave a comment below!

And for a sample of Incredulity (Book 1 in the Romancing Justice Series), download yours for free on Instafreebie here:  GET MY BOOK

New covers inspired these Romancing Justice Custom Earrings!  And because I’m so excited about the covers and the earrings, I’m giving away a few books and THE one-of-a-kind pair of earrings to ONE LUCKY READER!  The ear wires are sterling silver, and the earring itself is a Fender guitar pick, with a hand-sewn and beaded organza rose set on top.  They were created by me for one of my readers, and this particular set matches Book 3 in the Romancing Justice Series, Hand in Hand.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m an author, but I’ve been a freelance court reporter for more than two decades. You know, the lady in the courtroom with that little machine that always seems to be a mystery to everyone. Demystified, machine shorthand is the equivalent of learning a new language. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s a very challenging job, because of the words and because of what those words mean in the stories of the lives in the courtrooms. Over the course of my career, I’ve listened to things you can’t imagine; everything from gang wars and drugs, to murder, to crimes against children and women.

Listening to those horrific words — coupled with my grief over the loss of my dad, who was a judge — and not being able to express my thoughts about any of that led me to write the stories that make up “Romancing Justice.” It’s my way of being able to turn chaos into joy, with joy winning every time. In my courtroom life, one of the things I’ve noticed about jurors is that you never know what they’re going to do. There have been times that I’ve thought for sure they’d find someone not guilty, based on a reasonable doubt from the evidence presented, but I was wrong.

In my curiosity about the nature of the juror, I thought I’d present a sample case where YOU get to be judge AND jury. I thought it would be a fun way to see how many GUILTY and now many NOT GUILTY votes the facts of this case would bring.

Each person commenting GUILT or NOT GUILTY will be entered in a random drawing to win one of these three prizes:

(1) Romancing Justice Custom Earrings. ***ONE E-MAIL ADDRESS PER ENTRY, PLEASE (US ONLY)***

(2) 1 free digital copy of Incredulity (Romancing Justice, Book 1)

(3) 1 free digital copy of Romancing Justice, Books 1, 2 and 3

 

There is no right or wrong answer. Ready to put on your black robe?

YOU BE THE JUDGE

Have you ever been on a jury? If not, have you ever screamed at the television when a jury verdict came through, thinking to yourself that you would have voted a different way? Here’s your chance to take control, because not only do you get a chance to be on a virtual jury, but you get to be the judge as well. But think carefully… being a juror/judge is a difficult chore when someone’s life and/or liberty is in your hands.

THE CASE OF THE CHILD PORNOGRAPHER

***FICTION***

THE FACTS:

Charles Klein lived with his wife, Bonnie, and teenage son, Robbie, in a beautiful home in Anytown, USA. He traveled frequently, and one week while he was out of town, an old laptop belonging to Charles was turned in to the the Anytown Police Department, with a report that the laptop contained child pornography. Who turned in the laptop? Charles’ wife, Bonnie. The police took a statement from Bonnie, and due to the allegation, they asked if they had permission to search her home; Bonnie consented. No other evidence was recovered from the home during the search.

When Charles’ returned from his business trip two days later, he was questioned and arrested a few hours later, after the laptop had gone to forensics and several files containing child pornography were found on its hard drive.

THE WITNESSES FOR THE PROSECUTION:

LEAD DETECTIVE, ANYTOWN PD

The detective stated that the wife, Bonnie, entered the police station and he met and spoke with her over several hours, after she presented him with the laptop. He secured the evidence appropriately to establish chain of custody and personally took the laptop to the crime lab for analysis. When he performed the search of the residence, he found no other evidence of child pornography. There were, however, adult pornographic magazines in a hall closet on the top shelf.

After interviewing Charles, the detective testified that Charles said the laptop did belong to him but that it was an old work computer issued to him by a previous employer and that he hadn’t accessed it in more than two years. Charles had also indicated that the laptop wasn’t under lock and key and had not been password protected.

When questioned by the defendant’s attorney, the detective admitted that the hallway closet was not locked and anyone either living or visiting the defendant’s home could have placed them there. There was no fingerprint analysis done on the magazines, although they were collected. When asked about Bonnie’s demeanor, the detective also admitted that he’d questioned her about her relationship with her husband, and Bonnie admitted that they’d been having problems and she was considering asking Charles for a divorce.

COMPUTER FORENSICS SPECIALIST, ANYTOWN PD

The witness verified that he’d found the pornographic files of one little girl on the defendant’s laptop. When asked if he could testify about any fingerprints or log-on activity on the laptop, he answered, “No, I cannot.”

WITNESSES FOR THE DEFENDANT:

BROTHER TED, FIRST BAPTIST MINISTER, ANYTOWN

Brother Ted indicated that he’d known Charles and his family for more than two decades, and that he’d known him to be a Christian man, involved in his church and community. When asked if he’d known about the marital problems between Charles and Bonnie, he refused to answer that question, citing clergy-penitent privilege.

BRIAN MOKUS, COWORKER/FRIEND OF THE DEFENDANT

Brian testified that he’d known Charles for approximately five years and that he’d socialized with Charles and his wife on numerous occasions. He’d always known Charles to be honest and forthright. He felt that he was a good father and husband and could never imagine him having anything to do with child pornography. They’d even been on family weekend trips together, and Charles had never shown any inappropriate behavior with either of Brian’s children. He also testified that Charles had talked to him about the problems that he was having with Bonnie and that Charles had become suspicious about random cash withdrawals from their joint bank account, but he had no idea if Charles had spoken to Bonnie about them.

CHARLES’ LIBERTY IS IN YOUR HANDS: IS HE GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?

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Have you ever visited a restaurant for the first time, searched out the restroom and double-checked to be sure you were in the right one?  Well, there’s a restaurant in Chattanooga that will make you ponder that more than you’ve ever thought you would.

About six months ago, relatively new to Chattanooga, I’d just launched the second novel in a series I’d been working on.  In celebration, I was invited out by a group of new friends to a restaurant downtown.  I did a little research on the place beforehand to peruse the menu offerings and, of course, the directions.  Truthfully, I’m a social butterfly, and I love to explore a new area and find quirky and/or trendy places.  My googling around indicated that the atmosphere in this restaurant would be a fun place to kick back and celebrate.

One of the great things about Chattanooga is the fun atmosphere created by the student population.  Although I’m much older than the average college crowd, at fifty-six, I seem to fit in better now than I did when I was in my twenties.  Perhaps that’s because my full-time job as a court reporter doesn’t allow me to be social, or talk, ever.  Give me a crowd and my inner storyteller emerges in full form.

Although I didn’t know it when I walked into this two-story restaurant full of people playing games, sitting on sofas, drinking beer and eating pub grub, the night was about to create a story I’d never forget and one I’d love to share frequently.  I met my group of friends and we decided to eat upstairs on the exterior deck so that we could hear ourselves talk. 

We were seated, ordered drinks and food, and after about half an hour, one of the women in the group asked another where the restroom was.  When she returned, she said, “The rest room is really strange.”  Intrigued, I asked, “What’s strange about it?”  She said, “I’m not going to spoil it, but I’ll just say it has something to do with the mirror.”  Even more intrigued, although I didn’t really need to use the rest room, I ventured downstairs and asked for directions.

The hostess pointed it out to me, and as I went around a few corners, I made sure I walked into the rest room that was clearly marked for the women, noticing that to the right was the one marked for the men.  Neither had doors, but that wasn’t unusual.  I slowly entered, having been warned about the strange mirror.  I looked just inside the door, carefully canvassing every inch of the rest room.  There was a mirror to my left, just inside the entrance.

I stood there, just looking at it.  Nope, nothing strange to see there.  Then I walked past the hand sink and saw the mirrors above.  Again, nothing appeared strange to me.  I thought to myself that my friend must have had a little too much to drink and thought nothing more of it.  I walked into the stall and then emerged to wash my hands.  And that’s when it happened.  Strange snuck up on me.

I was in the middle of washing my hands when two men appeared in the mirror in front of me.  Or was it behind me?  Wait… was I in the wrong rest room?  Were they?  In a few seconds, I realized what was happening as the men were standing there, with eyes widened, eyebrows wrinkled, and mouths open.

I waved, because I’m social, remember, and said, “Hey!  How are you?”  They both jumped backwards and said, “Whoa!”  I said, “This is a little bizarre, huh?” and we all began to laugh as we realized that everyone was sober and in their correct rooms.  What we thought was a mirror (because you expect one to be above the hand sink) was a framed cutout for a mirror, but an empty space.  Neither of us had realized that we weren’t seeing our reflection in the “mirror.”  We were seeing straight through, looking at the wall in the opposite bathroom, not the one behind us.

Strange doesn’t quite cover it, right?  At that point, I looked up to see if there was a video camera conspicuously hidden somewhere, but there wasn’t one.  It was hilarious enough without the hidden cameras; so much so that I laughed all the way back to my table, and while recounting it to my friends, and every time I even think about it.  It really brings social to a new level, don’t you think?

Now, I suppose you’re wondering why I haven’t told you the name of the restaurant.  Well, that’s because I’m a writer, and although I gave you a few clues, I don’t want to spoil it for you.  If you want to find it, venture out, be social, find the quirky spots.  You’ll know when you’re in the wrong — I mean, right place.

Happy holidays!

Kathy

 

I’ve just returned from a Thanksgiving holiday with my children and grandchildren, and the one thing I’m always asked to bring is grandma’s egg noodles. Most people have a special dish they bring to family gatherings around the table, don’t they? It could be Aunt Martha’s stuffing, Sis’s cheesy broccoli casserole, or that favorite chocolate walnut pie that dad always makes and everyone saves room for. For me, it’s the noodles, but it’s so much more than that.

As far as tradition goes, I’m about as nontraditional a person as anyone I know, but there are a few that I choose to carry forward. My grandmother taught me to make noodles, and every time I make them, I think of that experience and of my love for her. So what does tradition mean to you? Is it about the taste? The aroma? Or is it something that can’t be defined by the five senses alone?

Webster’s Collegiate defines tradition as “an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom).” The true value of tradition, whether it’s a special food at the holiday table, ornaments on a Christmas tree, or just the fact that grandma always has the same mints in that special pocket in her purse, has a much deeper meaning than that.

Tradition, for me, is about the memories that are created from the very first incidence of the event. Those traditional foods and/or events are the things we can count on, when life throws us curve balls, when family members are vacant from the table, when generations multiply and move forward in time. If you think about it, traditions are a family’s way of staying connected and being remembered.

Just a few days before I left for my holiday, I posted a photo of my grandma’s noodles drying on the table for my reader group on Facebook. One of my readers commented that it brought back memories of her grandma, who also made homemade egg noodles, and she said that she’d never learned to make them although her mom made them occasionally. My response to her was that she should ask her mom to teach her how to make them, because it would really be sad if the tradition, the memories, and the feelings were suddenly lost in time.

When we share those traditional recipes, there’s something of beauty on both sides of the equation. Not only does the next generation learn, but the previous generation feels valued, which is a true gift, especially since the advent of Google. In addition, you’re creating yet another memory… together. In the course of my lifetime, I’d never really thought about the import of tradition. Perhaps you have to see more of your life behind you to really understand the value.

My hope is that after having read this article, you’ll be inspired to share the old traditions with your family, or maybe even create some new ones.

Cheers…

Kathy

If you’re looking for a clean read, free of graphic language and gratuitous vulgarity, you’re in the right place! Scroll down and take a look at these 20 titles available on #instaFreebie, and get your free books with just a few clicks.

Caramel Surprise — Romance Suspense

Sandra James, owner of Coffee Confessions, a small Houston coffee shop that serves up coffee, books, music and good ole’ fashion customer service, which keeps her shop full of eclectic patrons at the cost of her personal life. She yearns for a man of her own, but will all hell break loose when a love lost and love anew collide?

Caramel Surprise is a short story that originally appeared in Coffee Confessions. Sit back, grab a cup of your favorite joe and prepare for an entertaining story filled with suspense and Sandra’s quest to find love.

Incredulity — Romance Mystery

Callie was done with love—at least, she was until the cowboy of her dreams came and swept her off her feet. She thinks getting into a secret romance is all the excitement she can get, but after an intimate weekend together, she finds Dom on trial for murder in her own courtroom. Torn between her new love and her long-time profession, Callie has to find the right path in a terrifying, unfamiliar territory… or else risk losing both.

Worth the Wait — Western Historical Romance

Lenora Lawson has an ideal of what a marriage should look like. From the inside of the orphanage, she’s certain she’ll never have what she saw her parents share. She’s trying to figure out where to go and how to get there. She’ll be forced to leave the orphanage soon and she’s happy about that. She’s got to have a place to go when the time comes.

She’s daydreamed about adventure and the ability to make her own decisions. Living life on her own terms is just a fantasy. For now, anyway.

She agrees to marry Jackson Brodie, a cattle rancher in Kansas, when she gets into an argument with the headmistress in the orphanage. She’s sure she’s got no other options. She’s sad and angry, but decides to enlist his agreement that they’ll have a marriage of convenience.

He agrees, and all seems to be well, At least on the surface. What could go wrong when two people fall for each other when neither of them wants to be in love? Find out how this young couple figures out the way to true adventure.

The Case of the Hidden Flame — Mystery

Detective Inspector David Graham has just arrived on the island of Jersey, taking over a rag tag team of questionable commitment and skill at the Gorey Constabulary, a team that he is supposed to lead and develop into a cohesive investigative unit.

Within minutes, his first challenge presents itself when ex-soldier, Colonel Graves, finds a dead body on the beach. As the military man kneels down, he discovers it is his soon-to-be fiancé half buried in the sand…

In a small resort like Gorey, this event is monumental, and almost unheard of. The rumors swirl yet it is the new Detective Inspector’s job, with a bag still packed and travel dust on his shoes, to ferret out the clues and solve the case…while bringing his team along to assist.

With a Sherlock soul, The Case of the Hidden Flame packs humor and intrigue onto a small island of eccentric characters, roiling sea undercurrents, and deceptive coincidences – all accompanied by a fine cup of tea.

Graced — Romance

Noelle Langford’s ambitions have always been bigger than the little town of Havre de Grace, but when her father’s heart attack summons her home, she finds the town little changed, except that Connor Bradley, the high school nerd, is now the town’s doctor, a Grade-A hunk, and a widower with two young children.

Connor doesn’t have time for distractions, not while juggling single parenthood and his clinic on five hours of sleep a night. He most certainly doesn’t have time for Noelle, the high school flirt, who is prettier and more irresistible than he remembers.

When her father’s heart attack derails Connor’s plans for his first Christmas without his wife, Noelle wants to save the day for his adorable children, but can she also find her way into Connor’s guarded heart?

The Witching on the Wall — Cozy Mystery

The Seven Caves tourist attraction has been a safe haven for 20 year old Bailey Robinson, that is until murder strikes a failing movie star in one of the Caves. The celebrity grew up in the town near the Seven Caves and was about to reveal the secret writings on their walls. But something murderous lurks within the Caves and Bailey is about to discover that she is one part of that secret.

Find out what happens as Bailey and her friends, Avery and Piper, discover that even a small town has a treasure trove of secrets, and some of them are magical, while others are sinister.

Simple Strategies for Stress Relief — Self-Help

Simple Strategies for Stress Relief is the key to easily managing stress for good. This little book doesn’t just give you list of techniques for coping with stressful situations, it gives you an easy-to-follow blueprint for making lasting, life-long changes to help create and maintain the habits necessary for creating a more relaxed and peaceful life.

This book deftly guides you through a four-step process for understanding and then dissolving your stress. You’ll learn what really causes your stress, why you react to stress the way you do, where you’re going wrong with your current coping strategies, and how to change your own thought processes and habits to put an end to your stress once and for all.

A Bucket Full of Awesome — Young Adult Contemporary Fiction

“Reasonable things will never bring you joy as much as unreasonable ones do.”

Summer Wallace is a wild, crazy girl who simply couldn’t care less about her appearance. She strongly believes in the saying, “You Only Live Once”, in teenage subculture also known as YOLO. She plays basketball like her life depends on it. Well, it sort of does, she loses one game and there’s a dent in her ego, not a small one either.

Meet Blake Walker, her best friend and her partner-in-crime. Saner of the two, however, together they can turn a rather normal, boring day to a momentously crazy one. But one day changes the course of their lives which leads Summer to make a ‘bucket list’ and complete it before her whole life takes a 180 degree. Whereas, Blake is determined to keep her as long as he can. And he is perfect for the job. After all, he does know her more than anyone else. And they have no room for regrets. As Summer Wallace says, “There shouldn’t be any space for regrets in our beautiful lives.”

Fairy Eyeglasses — Fantasy

When Cassie finds a magic pair of glasses that allow her to see fairies, she has to figure out where they came from . . . and what the fairies want her to do with them.

A 12,000 word children’s fantasy story.

The Lodestone — Middle Grade Fantasy

When twelve year old Jack Paris feels the small jaws of a creature that shouldn’t exist clamp down on his leg, life as he knows it in small-town northeast Texas comes to a sudden end. Miss Edna, his foster mom, is forced to take him and his friend Sally to a world she secretly forsook two hundred years before to save his life. There Jack discovers that an evil wizard needs him for unknown purposes and will stop at nothing to capture him. The wizard pursues Jack and Sally through forests and under mountains on the other world, and even across Kansas back on Earth.

With all their hope placed in Miss Edna, she suddenly disappears, leaving Jack and Sally to carry on without her. It soon becomes clear, however, that the events of the present are tied to Miss Edna’s past, and the children begin a desperate effort to find her before all hope is lost.

When Jack finally realizes why the wizard needs him, he learns that to live and love, you sometimes have to be willing to die.

The Skeleton King — Middle Grade Fantasy

Three blocks destined to bring eternal night. One treasure hunter who wants nothing to do with heroics, but can’t pass up a good challenge. A Skeleton King who threatens to take over the world.

The Skeleton King is a prequel to the Blade of the Sea series, and has been called a Minecraft version of Indiana Jones meets The Mummy.

Fans of the Elementia Chronicles and the Gameknight999 series will be drawn to Jesse Nethermind’s epic tale of Aziz the treasure hunter. Filled with action, humor, and monsters galore, The Skeleton King is the perfect adventure story for children and adults alike!

Poppy: Bride of Alaska — Western Historical Romance

She wants a new life. He wants his old one back. They need each other to make it happen.

Power, prestige, wealth. Life was good for Matthew Turner, until his family was swindled out of their fortune. Now he must hunt down the man responsible to recover his inheritance. When the trail leads to Sitka, Alaska, stone-broke Matthew resorts to signing on with a missionary group willing to pay his way.

The only catch? He needs to be married.

Poverty, hunger, abuse. Fiercely independent Poppy Adams is desperate to escape her old life but her only chance is to do the one thing she vowed to never do: Become a mail-order bride.

Poppy knows better than to trust any man at his word, but there’s something about her new — gulp! — husband that threatens to break down her defenses. Matthew doesn’t want a wife, but he can’t resist being charmed by her no-nonsense manner and cerulean blue gaze.

Familiar: The Witch Cycle — Young Adult Urban Fantasy

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a song.

Connie Toledano was set to enjoy summer with plenty of time in the pool and Vegas adventures with her best friend Frankie. Then at a concert a sound like nothing she’s ever heard before works deep into her bones and things change. Frankie is creating fireballs with her mind and Connie is seeing things. Specifically, she’s seeing out of the eyes of a werewolf named River.

When River hunts her down and tells her that she’s a witch, a vampiric cult is after her, and River is her familiar, she has to get to the bottom of things just to save her own life. But she isn’t the only one in danger. People are dying and an enigmatic event known as the Witch Cycle is drawing closer. If Connie can’t unravel the mysteries before it’s too late…

Chan’s Story — Dystopian Science Fiction

In this companion story to Numbers Game, Chan Norwell comes from the perfect citizen family. His mother is chief of the city monitor force, his brother an all-star, and his sister a prodigy—which leaves little room for a nobody like Chan. He is determined to have his time in the spotlight at last. But he doesn’t expect things to go so horribly wrong.

Alone, dishonored, and humiliated, Chan can only see one way out. When he meets Maizel, a brilliant redhead determined to follow in her mother’s suicidal footsteps, he sees his life for what it really is. If Chan can save Maizel, maybe there’s a chance he can also save himself.

The McCarran Collection — Romance Suspense

Bridget Olasfson, a beautiful archivist hiding secrets, comes to Utah’s brilliant red rock country to catalog the McCarran Collection. Though she’s sworn off men in her life, she’s attracted to Ben, the bad-boy, off-road racing McCarran cousin. But it’s Lew McCarran, the tall, quiet cousin, she turns to when she finds herself caught up in a dangerous intrigue involving a lost boy, a drug cartel, and death. What will she do when the only way to save the boy is to give up the man she loves?

Part romance, part cozy mystery, part thriller, The McCarran Collection is, last of all, a novel about family ties.

Coconutty Christmas ~ Holiday in Hawaii — Romance

Kalea has repeatedly been warned about the temporary nature and heartbreaking consequences of falling for a handsome tourist passing through her little slice of Hawaiian paradise. Will the fear of being hurt keep her from experiencing all of the delightful surprises that life has to offer? Or will the trifecta of gorgeous Russ, a freak storm, and an unforgettable Christmas allow her to open her heart to the possibility of finding her happily ever after ending?

This sweet and romantic short story is part of The Escape Series, which includes the Kindle Scout winning book, Getting Lei’d, as well as its prequel novella, Aloha, Baby!, and the follow-up novel, Cruising for Love. The books in this series are standalones that do not have cliffhanger endings. They share characters, but are designed so they can be read in any order.

Luke’s Wipeout — Young Adult Action Adventure

Having led a sheltered life and now turning sixteen, home-schooled twin Luke Addison finds himself engaged in heated sibling battles as his parents leave the twins home alone for the final week of summer vacation.

Their sharp differences intensify when a city-wide disaster lands orphaned brothers, Pedro and Jose on their doorstep, in need of shelter, medical care and a place to hide.

The wonder years come to a screeching halt as they battle and pray their way through a confusing maze of fresh responsibility, romance, temptation, bodily harm, a house fire and a night in jail.

Santa Meets Mrs. Claus — Paranormal Romance

Ever wonder why no one has seen Santa Claus? One of the reasons is that he is an Arctic Wolf Shifter!

How does Santa find his Mrs. Claus? It’s not like he can “Swipe Left” and meet the perfect girl!

Get your free copy and find out these answers and enjoy a bit of Christmas excitement and another pack makes a play for Santa’s job!

Discerning Spirits — Young Adult Paranormal Romance

To fulfill his destiny, he’ll have to uncover hers.

Zeph is half angel, half human, and a total disappointment. As the first double Divisa born in 20 years, everyone expected his supernatural gift to be extraordinary, but instead he didn’t have one at all.

After 17 years of insignificance, Zeph has given up on ever gaining the approval of his family and community, but when Zeph meets Eve, she sees value in him that no else has.

A shy redhead that looks exactly like a Celestia Divisa but is completely unaware of their existence, Eve is an intriguing mystery that Zeph can’t resist trying to unravel.

Together, can they open each other’s eyes to their incredible destiny?

Discerning Spirits is the first book in The Celestia Divisa Collection, a series of clean, paranormal angel romance novels that can be read in order or as stand-alones.

If you like sweet, heartwarming romance novels with charming characters that find themselves when they find true love, you’ll love Discerning Spirits!

Protector — Young Adult Fantasy Romance

To love and protect…across worlds.

Eighteen-year-old Faith Stryker is prepared to leap out into the unknown world beyond her home shores of New Zealand to experience life. Only she never expected to encounter Magio, a planet with two warring countries, where its people reach adulthood at eighteen by coming into their strength and prophetic abilities. Only after Faith discovers she’s a Halfling—thanks to her warrior father she’s never met—does her own skill of forethought develop.

Peacio’s Prince Davio Loveria is sent to the young Faith Stryker by his grandfather, but not all goes as planned. Davio discovers Faith isn’t just a Halfling, she’s also his soul-bound mate—an intense relationship he cannot, nor will not, give up.

With two wars now waging… one of land and the other of the heart… can the young couple find their place in the world?

Support local small business. Hmm…cold, with zero emotional attachment, and unlikely to evoke any positive movement toward that goal. How about, “Champion your local dreamers.” Most people who start a business for themselves have a dream; one that’s in their heart and soul. They have a vision to create and provide something that the community needs or wants; a community they love and belong to. They spend precious time, energy and money planting seeds, fertilizing, watering, and then hoping and praying for growth and beauty.

I believe that no matter how much we invest in a dream, we can’t sustain it without a champion or two, or 100. As an author/dreamer, I can pour my heart into a beautiful story, cover it with amazing art and go through the steps to put it out there for the world. Without a champion to read it and share their thoughts with others, however, that beautiful story will just be words on pieces of paper.

I’m writing this post after a conversation with a local bookstore owner. Star Line Books in Chattanooga is in a great location downtown. Star is such a hard worker, but what stands out in my mind about her is that she has a heart of gold and a dream of providing something wonderful for her community. You see, she’s the champion of every local author/dreamer who approaches her. So in my effort to be a tiny champion of HER dream, I’m writing, because it makes me smile to believe that I’m doing something for someone else.

If you’ve gotten this far in the post, I hope that my words have encouraged you to be the champion of some local dreamer. It doesn’t have to cost you money. Tell people about them, give them advice, words of encouragement. Community means more than buildings on some beautiful street. Real community involves fellowship, kind words… champions.

If you’re in Chattanooga, you can find Star Line Books at 1467 Market Street. Go by and welcome Star to your community!

Wishing you the happiest of holidays and a prosperous and healthy 2015!

 

Cowboy Christmas

Over the last 90 days, in order to create buzz and excitement (and hopefully, generate a little Christmas money) around the publishing of my debut novel, “Incredulity,” I’ve found myself in a wonderful land of all of my craftiness! Inside the pages of “Incredulity,” you’ll find food, jewelry and art, which, of course, are just some of the things I love to create. How wonderful that I get to talk about the things I love, and through God’s gifts, I’ve been able to breath life into the words on the pages.

I’ve learned so much about the book business, with all of the nuances of marketing to the right readers for your genre. There is so much to learn, but I’m enjoying every single minute of the triumphs and challenges of this amazing new career. I thought I’d share a few things that have helped me continue to be excited about this journey, and in the process, have brought smiles and a little inspiration to anyone who has crossed my path. It’s not an easy chore to stay positive, but it’s necessary if you want to continue to take the next steps toward your dreams.

Bringing life to your characters outside the pages of a book requires talking about them as if they were real, and creating a sense of family, bonding with your readership. That’s the first, most important thing, in my mind, that an author should achieve; a group of readers who can’t wait to hear about what you’re going to do next. This requires an out-of-the-box personality, which suits me well. So how do I bring life to my characters? By re-creating some of the things in the book. This tactic isn’t new. Disney does it, along with a whole host of movie marketers. They know that they’re creating a brand. Just how much Mickey & Minnie, Star Wars and Iron Man merchandise do you think is on the planet? I wouldn’t even venture a guess, but in the billions, for sure.

So although “Incredulity” is just in the beginning stages, I decided to follow the “brand” principle, which seems to be working. There’s lots of wine drinking by my characters, Dom and Callie, and the perfect little trinket to give away with my in-person signings was a wine glass charm. Here’s a photo. Simple, not time-consuming, custom and something people are loving.

 I had a gazillion beads just sitting around the house, waiting for a new project, and these were perfect for the book.  Wine glass charms aren’t something that people normally buy for themselves, and so it seems to be a great little trinket to give away with the book.  As a matter of fact, one person had already bought the e-book and wanted the charm so much that she purchased the paperback!  How cool is that!?

The next item was related to food.  Callie baked a cake for her amazing cowboy, Dom, in the book, and people began to ask me if it was a “real” cake.  Yes, of course, it is!  I had a baking business in my recent past, and this cake was a “real” hit at a few events.  So I decided to bake the cupcake version for a local book signing, cowboy-themed, of course!  Another huge hit that didn’t cost anything except the ingredients.  Here’s a photo of those…

Fast-forward a few weeks, where the next crazy idea came to me.  What if I designed a necklace for a giveaway at my homecoming book signing?  You guessed it.  The necklace happened, and the bookstore did the drawing and announced the winner after I left.  Funny thing… my best friend that I was staying with actually won!  Yes, she insisted on coming to the signing and buying a signed copy, because she’s just that sweet.  But what are the odds that she’d actually win the necklace?  She seriously needed the joy, having lost both parents within seven weeks and this is the first Christmas without them.  Just below is a photo of the necklace…

Now, nothing I’m doing is amazing.  I’m not super talented at any of my crafts, and I don’t sell them, but they are making my characters jump off the pages and continue to be in the minds of the readers.  It’s inspirational to me to hear the kind words, and it’s inspirational to the readers to feel excitement from an author about their project.

 

Moving on to just last week, I’m not sure why I decided to do this, but I don’t usually question the things that come to my brain if I feel the need to be creative.  The champion of cowboy romance, Dom, gave Callie a series of unique gifts in “Incredulity,” one of which was a pair of red cowgirl boots.  I splurged and bought myself a red pair for my book launch in October.  And I actually got on a horse for the first time, boosted up by a REAL cowboy!  Yes, because of my excitement over the launch, my phone call to a ranch resulted in a pro cowboy appearance, along with Chico, a gorgeous and sweet horse, brought by a brand-new friend, his owner.  My characters  also love watching the sunsets in beautiful places… which brings me to the next couple of photos.

       

Enter new pen tablet ($79) with free Artrage software, and voila, more for readers to talk about.  Book 2 is in the works, and my characters are throwing a Cowboy Christmas party… which leads to my latest promo for the new book; Callie’s free recipes for the holidays for all of my mailing list subscribers.  Someone called this a magnet.  I just call it a whole lot of fun, for both me and my readers.  They’re getting to know me and my characters at the same time, and we’re both enjoying the process.  If you’d like to subscribe to my mailing list, just sign up at the bottom of the post to get the first recipe in the series, Callie’s Cowboy Keeper Dip.  There will be several over the holidays, delivered right to your inbox.

I hope you’ve found this blog to be inspirational, if you’re a writer.  If you’re a reader, just know that self-published authors work very hard to craft their writing, market and get it to the right readers.  Many of us don’t have a huge budget, but we have a huge desire to entertain, educate, bring joy to your lives.  The world needs every ounce of joy we can squeeze out of it, right?

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Ahh, Thanksgiving, the time for families and friends to get together, eat great food and create wonderful memories… and share embarrassing stories about you!  And there’s always one loving family member who’s happy to tell it, every year, right?  And laughter ensues, and you halfway laugh and roll your eyes, thinking, “I’m so tired of this story.  I really need to do something even more embarrassing, just to have something else to talk about at Thanksgiving.”  My favorite storyteller is my brother, Criss.  He always adds his special flavor to it.Here’s a photo from about that time.  From left to right, Dad, Criss, my oldest brother, Lee (not on the trip), and me. But then, the years melt away, and there are fewer family members to gather together, or perhaps even, as in my case, the place you gathered for all of that laughter and embarrassment no longer exists.  Suddenly, that embarrassing story is something you long for.  As I was preparing my Thanksgiving meal yesterday, I began to miss my embarrassing story, so I decided I’d tell it on myself.  This one’s for the Zebert family, and for those of you who are either rolling your eyes, wishing for a time that story isn’t told, or feeling as if you’d give anything to hear it again.Thanksgiving of 1979, when I was 19, my dad wanted to take a trip to Indiana to visit my Great Aunt Marj.  Oh, joy!  I loved Aunt Marj, but I didn’t want to go because, A, I had a boyfriend I was pretty serious about; and B, I hate cold weather!  Let me say that one more time.  I hate cold weather!  Regardless, Dad insisted, and the family piled in the custom van to head to Lynn, Indiana from Pearl, Mississippi, which was a really long drive.  It was a full, but comfortable load, including Dad, my brother Criss (17),  Aunt Nellie, Uncle Dale, Aunt Sara, and cousins Donny (20) and Allen (16).The trip up and the holiday meal was uneventful, unless you count Aunt Marj asking Dad, during breakfast, how his bowel function was.  I wanted to laugh about that, but given Dad’s rules about inappropriate meal talk, and seeing the look on his face after the question, I didn’t dare.  The food was amazing, and there was a ton of it.  The family time was loads of fun, with a shopping trip in the mix, where Dad bought a Russian-style winter hat (super cool and expensive), along with other things for us.But it was time to make the trip back home, and I was really happy about getting back to my boyfriend and WARMER WEATHER!  We all piled into the van and headed south.  It was really early in the morning — dark-thirty, I call it — because that’s the way my dad liked to travel.  And unplanned stopping was never on the agenda during any trip with him.  (Take note of this for what’s about to come.)  I’d taken my seat between Uncle Dale and Aunt Sara in the very back of the van.  Aunt Nellie and Donny were in the swivel chairs in the second row, with Allen on the floor beneath them, asleep.  Dad was driving, with his new Russian hat on the floor just behind the center console, for easy retrieval when gassing up the car in the cold, and Criss had called “shotgun.”As we got a few hours into the trip, I started to feel a little queasy and told my uncle.  He said, “You know, it’s morning.”  I said, “Yeah.”  He added, “And you’re queasy.”  I said, “Yeah.”  Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about, but in his usual joking way, he said, “Do we need to be worried about a new family member?”  OMG, huge eye roll!  My queasiness wouldn’t even let me pretend to be amused, and Aunt Sara said, “Stop, Dale.  Kathy, why don’t you move to the middle seats?  Maybe the bouncing around in the back is making you feel that way.”  Excellent idea, I thought, and exchanged seats with Aunt Nellie, who was sitting next to the sliding door.A few minutes later, I realized the seat wasn’t making a difference and said, “Dad, can you pull off at the next exit?  I’m not feeling well.”  He said, “Sure, Baby Girl.  Next exit.”  The next exit came and went, and as we passed it, I said, “Dad…”  Too late!  I tried to stop it.  I really did, but the body knows what it needs to do, and that was that.  Of course, when we’re sick, we’re not really strategically planning where we’re going to throw up.  There was no trash can available.  There was only the floor… I mean, Allen’s leg.  Oops!  Almost simultaneously, my dad is yelling, “Move my hat!  Baby Girl, throw up the other way!”  Criss quickly retrieved the hat so that Dad wouldn’t wreck the van to get it.And as the excitement began to die down and I was handed a paper towel, Allen began to wake up.  But not knowing exactly what had landed on his jean-covered legs, he said very sarcastically, “That’s just great, Kathy.”  He thought I’d spilled coffee on him… until we pulled off at the next exit and he could see in the lights of the gas station that it wasn’t, indeed, coffee.  Uncle Dale said he’d never seen anybody come out of their clothes that quickly.  Sorry, Allen.  Nearly 40 years later, I still really am.I was given the proverbial Sprite, everyone was all calm and cleaned up, and we headed off on our path again.  A few swigs of Sprite and a few miles later, I said, “Dad…” — funny, I got a different response this time.  He said, “Pulling off now, Baby Girl.”  This time, I only had to apologize to the cold ground in Tennessee, and thankfully, the rest of the trip was uneventful.Well, that’s ONE of my embarrassing stories.  This story has been told for many years, and as I said earlier, I miss it.  I miss it because four of the people in that van are no longer here with us.  I’ve had to say good-bye to Allen, then Uncle Dale, Aunt Sara, and Dad, all within the last ten years.  Saying good-bye is tough, no matter what, but families are about stories created together, embarrassing or not.  And the ones that make you laugh decades later, even when they don’t at the time, are the best ones EVER.So I hope you laughed at this story.  Telling it made me miss it less.  What’s your favorite Thanksgiving funny story?  I’d love to hear it!

The post A Thanksgiving Tale: Don’t Eat and Drive appeared first on Kathy Zebert.

Ahh, Thanksgiving, the time for families and friends to get together, eat great food and create wonderful memories… and share embarrassing stories about you!  And there’s always one loving family member who’s happy to tell it, every year, right?  And laughter ensues, and you halfway laugh and roll your eyes, thinking, “I’m so tired of this story.  I really need to do something even more embarrassing, just to have something else to talk about at Thanksgiving.”  My favorite storyteller is my brother, Criss.  He always adds his special flavor to it.

Here’s a photo from about that time.  From left to right, Dad, Criss, my oldest brother, Lee (not on the trip), and me.

But then, the years melt away, and there are fewer family members to gather together, or perhaps even, as in my case, the place you gathered for all of that laughter and embarrassment no longer exists.  Suddenly, that embarrassing story is something you long for.  As I was preparing my Thanksgiving meal yesterday, I began to miss my embarrassing story, so I decided I’d tell it on myself.  This one’s for the Zebert family, and for those of you who are either rolling your eyes, wishing for a time that story isn’t told, or feeling as if you’d give anything to hear it again.

Thanksgiving of 1979, when I was 19, my dad wanted to take a trip to Indiana to visit my Great Aunt Marj.  Oh, joy!  I loved Aunt Marj, but I didn’t want to go because, A, I had a boyfriend I was pretty serious about; and B, I hate cold weather!  Let me say that one more time.  I hate cold weather!  Regardless, Dad insisted, and the family piled in the custom van to head to Lynn, Indiana from Pearl, Mississippi, which was a really long drive.  It was a full, but comfortable load, including Dad, my brother Criss (17),  Aunt Nellie, Uncle Dale, Aunt Sara, and cousins Donny (20) and Allen (16).

The trip up and the holiday meal was uneventful, unless you count Aunt Marj asking Dad, during breakfast, how his bowel function was.  I wanted to laugh about that, but given Dad’s rules about inappropriate meal talk, and seeing the look on his face after the question, I didn’t dare.  The food was amazing, and there was a ton of it.  The family time was loads of fun, with a shopping trip in the mix, where Dad bought a Russian-style winter hat (super cool and expensive), along with other things for us.

But it was time to make the trip back home, and I was really happy about getting back to my boyfriend and WARMER WEATHER!  We all piled into the van and headed south.  It was really early in the morning — dark-thirty, I call it — because that’s the way my dad liked to travel.  And unplanned stopping was never on the agenda during any trip with him.  (Take note of this for what’s about to come.)  I’d taken my seat between Uncle Dale and Aunt Sara in the very back of the van.  Aunt Nellie and Donny were in the swivel chairs in the second row, with Allen on the floor beneath them, asleep.  Dad was driving, with his new Russian hat on the floor just behind the center console, for easy retrieval when gassing up the car in the cold, and Criss had called “shotgun.”

As we got a few hours into the trip, I started to feel a little queasy and told my uncle.  He said, “You know, it’s morning.”  I said, “Yeah.”  He added, “And you’re queasy.”  I said, “Yeah.”  Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about, but in his usual joking way, he said, “Do we need to be worried about a new family member?”  OMG, huge eye roll!  My queasiness wouldn’t even let me pretend to be amused, and Aunt Sara said, “Stop, Dale.  Kathy, why don’t you move to the middle seats?  Maybe the bouncing around in the back is making you feel that way.”  Excellent idea, I thought, and exchanged seats with Aunt Nellie, who was sitting next to the sliding door.

A few minutes later, I realized the seat wasn’t making a difference and said, “Dad, can you pull off at the next exit?  I’m not feeling well.”  He said, “Sure, Baby Girl.  Next exit.”  The next exit came and went, and as we passed it, I said, “Dad…”  Too late!  I tried to stop it.  I really did, but the body knows what it needs to do, and that was that.  Of course, when we’re sick, we’re not really strategically planning where we’re going to throw up.  There was no trash can available.  There was only the floor… I mean, Allen’s leg.  Oops!  Almost simultaneously, my dad is yelling, “Move my hat!  Baby Girl, throw up the other way!”  Criss quickly retrieved the hat so that Dad wouldn’t wreck the van to get it.

And as the excitement began to die down and I was handed a paper towel, Allen began to wake up.  But not knowing exactly what had landed on his jean-covered legs, he said very sarcastically, “That’s just great, Kathy.”  He thought I’d spilled coffee on him… until we pulled off at the next exit and he could see in the lights of the gas station that it wasn’t, indeed, coffee.  Uncle Dale said he’d never seen anybody come out of their clothes that quickly.  Sorry, Allen.  Nearly 40 years later, I still really am.

I was given the proverbial Sprite, everyone was all calm and cleaned up, and we headed off on our path again.  A few swigs of Sprite and a few miles later, I said, “Dad…” — funny, I got a different response this time.  He said, “Pulling off now, Baby Girl.”  This time, I only had to apologize to the cold ground in Tennessee, and thankfully, the rest of the trip was uneventful.

Well, that’s ONE of my embarrassing stories.  This story has been told for many years, and as I said earlier, I miss it.  I miss it because four of the people in that van are no longer here with us.  I’ve had to say good-bye to Allen, then Uncle Dale, Aunt Sara, and Dad, all within the last ten years.  Saying good-bye is tough, no matter what, but families are about stories created together, embarrassing or not.  And the ones that make you laugh decades later, even when they don’t at the time, are the best ones EVER.

So I hope you laughed at this story.  Telling it made me miss it less.  What’s your favorite Thanksgiving funny story?  I’d love to hear it!