Randy Kamen's Blog

I’ve started this over and over again multiple times. I know what I want to say, but I also know that I run the risk of getting it wrong.

I’m a white, Jewish woman and while I love, respect, appreciate, and value people of all races, creeds, origins, and cultures, I know that I can never fully understand what people of color have experienced on a daily basis.

What I can do is say it out loud. I see you. I support you. I stand with you.

And I can state this as clearly and plainly as possible…

Black lives matter.

If your response to reading those words is “all lives matter” let me try to reframe this for you.

When you break a bone and you go to the orthopedic surgeon, he’s not focused on the 205 bones that are not broken. He’s focused on the one that is. It doesn’t mean the others don’t matter. It just means they don’t need attention right now.

Same thing here so I’ll say it again.

Black lives matter. That’s where our attention is needed right now.

Of course in the grand scheme of things all lives matter, but all lives aren’t at risk for jogging through their own neighborhood, birdwatching in a public park, getting pulled over during a routine traffic stop, or any number of other everyday routine circumstances. That’s the problem.

“All lives” don’t matter until black lives matter.

Our attention and focus as a nation are needed in important areas right now. On important (but sometimes difficult and often uncomfortable) conversations about the systemic racism that has been a part of our culture for longer than any of us have been alive.

And while our attention is needed there, I was left wondering how to handle the planned promotion of Living With Grit and Grace.

I considered closing the doors and letting those 4 seats go unfilled because it felt wrong to draw attention to anything else right now.

But then I realized that at its CORE, Living with Grit and Grace is a leadership program and personal leadership is needed more than ever right now.

You don’t know this, but months ago when I decided I would offer this program, my team and I had multiple conversations about what to call it and how to talk about it.

I’ve always thought of it and seen it as a course in personal leadership, but the word leadership didn’t resonate with a lot of the women who need this program the most. They didn’t see themselves as leaders because they weren’t a CEO, a community organizer, or the leader of a movement. The word leadership had a professional leader connotation.

But Living With Grit and Grace doesn’t address professional leadership at all. Its focus is entirely on personal leadership.

I believe that all women are leaders.

You lead your family, your friends, and ladies… you lead yourself.

Right now we are entering a time when difficult conversations are necessary for the change that we all want to see in the world. Finding your voice and the confidence to engage in those conversations, privately or publicly, takes personal leadership.

If you have wanted to speak up, but haven’t known what to say, or have been concerned about saying the right thing the wrong way, personal leadership skills will help. Living WIth Grit and Grace will help.

If you have a cause or a candidate that you feel passionately about and want to advocate for in the coming election, the personal leadership skills taught in  Living With Grit and Grace will help.

No, Living With Grit and Grace is not a “how to become an activist” or “how to take a stand online” course (and I am certainly not the person to lead the conversation as it pertains to these topics). But it will help you to uncover what values you hold deep, it will give you the framework to do some deep introspection, it will give you the tools to manage your mind as you challenge subconscious beliefs you didn’t even realize you’ve held. it will help you to find and use your voice with confidence.

I believe that there has never been a more important time in our lifetime for women to learn and use personal leadership skills. Learning to care for yourself so that you can support and care for others is crucial right now. Finding the confidence to stand up for what you believe and speak your truth is more important than ever.

Things are a little stressful right now, aren’t they?

COVID-19 is surging again and there are debates about wearing masks in public and social distancing. There are tensions with bringing racism, unconscious bias, Black Lives Matter, and social justice all to the forefront of our consciousness. And of course, we are in an election year in a country that has never been more divided.

No matter where you stand on any of these issues, I think we can all agree that we need to have some real, deep conversations in order to move forward and make things better for everyone. And let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room… some of these conversations are uncomfortable.

But they are important. Not just important, they are critical.

It’s easy for us to avoid uncomfortable conversations, but we absolutely need to engage in them now more than ever.

Over the next several weeks, I’ll be sharing some tools that can help you better communicate your thoughts and feelings and how to join in the conversations in a meaningful way.

Today, I wanted to share a fantastic example with you. ESPN sports analyst and former NFL player Emmanuel Acho started a video series called “Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Man” and I highly recommend that you take a few moments to watch them. He addresses many questions that have come up in the last few weeks and answers them in clear, concise, and thoughtful ways.

A new episode is released each week on his YouTube channel and shared on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I hope you’ll watch it along with me!

Here are the links to watch the first 4 episodes:

Episode 1 with Emmanuel Acho

Episode 2 with guest Matthew McConaughey

Episode 3 with guests Chip and Joanna Gaines and their children

Episode 4 with Emmanuel Acho

I guarantee you will walk away with a new understanding of what is going on and what you can do to help create real, lasting change.

 

Unprecedented.

A word that we’ve all heard more times in the last two months than we have in the 5 years prior. 

 

For two months now we’ve been living in the shadow of COVID-19. And yes, it’s been unprecedented. This virus has turned out to be not only frightening but devastating to a large portion of the population.

 

I don’t use the word devastating lightly. But devastating is an accurate description. Whether it’s the stress of self-quarantining or the seemingly endless lockdown of business and wondering what the heck to do… there is no denying that COVID-19 has made a serious impact. 

 

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, and uncertain—that’s part of being human. The thing that’s not okay is giving up.

 

And it seems like far too many people are doing just that.

 

We joke about not having worn real pants with a zipper for weeks, or how we’ve let ourselves go a bit… but there is a point where it goes past joking and into something we need to pay attention to.

 

We can’t run and we can’t hide from this virus, but I’ll tell you what we can do…we can decide how we are going to handle ourselves and make our way through it.

 

This virus is not just a risk to our immune system – but a risk to our mental and physical health due to the stress, anxiety, and depression that have come along with it for so many.

 

But YOU can not give up, WE can not give up… we just can’t.

 

I know it can feel like all of the possibilities have been sucked right out of thin air right now, but that isn’t the case. Even while you are quarantined and can’t go do your favorite self-care activities that make you feel better, you can still dream big. You can still plan for creating a life full of laughter, joy, and meaning. 

 

Do you hear that still small voice?
The one who whispers “you’ve got this” and invites you to come back?

 

Listen. It’s true, you’ve got this!

 

We’re mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, and aunts just trying to do our best, piling things high on our plates, putting ourselves, our health and our well being on the back burner.

 

The last thing we need is anything to further complicate our lives.

 

We need something that will make things easier and help us to find the joy in life once again. To find a reason to want to put those jeans back on again!

That might sound like an odd question, especially at a time like this. But it’s an important one, especially for women in their 2nd half of life (what should be the best half, if you ask me!).

 

Are you allowing yourself to dream right now?

 

To think about the things you want out of life?

 

Maybe it’s the places you want to travel when it’s safe again to do so. Or maybe it’s finding something meaningful to dedicate your time and attention to. Finding a pursuit that brings you joy and fulfillment each day.

 

You may be thinking that it’s crazy to be focusing on yourself and your hopes for the future when life as we know it still feels so uncertain–but I would say now is precisely the time you need to be dreaming! 

 

That doesn’t mean you ignore the current situation. It’s okay to be concerned, but you can’t spend 24 hours a day wallowing in worry and fear. 

When you allow yourself to dream, you allow HOPE in, and hope is a powerful emotion in times like this. 

 

It’s amazing what a little hope can do for your emotional well-being.

 

It’s like a breath of fresh air, or a vase full of fresh flowers on your desk. 

 

I’d like to ask you to do something for yourself.

Take a few moments sometime today and journal about what your perfect day would look like. Write about it in the present tense as if it’s already come true…

How do you feel when you wake up?
How do you spend your time?
Who do you see and connect with?
What do you eat for dinner?
What do you do for fun?
What is most important to you? 

 

You deserve to wake up each morning to a life that you love, and while the world looks a little bit different right now, there is no reason you can’t dream about and begin creating a life of joy and fulfillment. 

 

Creating that life for yourself begins with allowing yourself to dream today and taking small steps each day moving in that direction.

 

What are you doing to create a life that you love even in the midst of this pandemic?

 

I love the concept of GRACE. Sure, grace is mentioned in all major religions, but I’d like to talk not about its divine meaning, but rather a secular meaning and how it relates to personal leadership.

 

In personal leadership, I like to think of grace as a state where the heart and mind come together. When that happens, we have a sense of inner peace that allows us to show kindness and empathy not only to those around us but to ourselves as well. It’s an important quality for leaders of all kinds.

 

You display grace to others through love and compassion. You don’t hold them to an unattainable expectation of perfection at all times. You allow for second chances when appropriate. You are the shoulder to cry on, the sympathetic ear when they need to talk, and a soft place to land when things go wrong.

 

But it’s critical that you learn to show yourself the same grace.

 

Don’t hold yourself to that unattainable expectation of perfection either. And don’t beat yourself up when you fail to meet that standard. Make time for taking care of your physical and emotional well being.

 

Self-care is the ultimate way to show yourself grace.

 

For many women, the concept of “self-care” brings to mind massages, manicures, and facials and while all those things are wonderful, self-care doesn’t have to feel indulgent.

 

True self-care means things like getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, establishing a practice of gratitude, creating a morning routine that allows you to start the day feeling centered and focused, eating healthy foods, getting exercise and making time to do the things you enjoy.

 

Showing yourself grace means learning how to prioritize YOU… something you probably have not done enough of lately.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

What does the concept of GRACE mean to you?

How do you give yourself grace?

When was the last time you truly made yourself your priority?

 

For weeks now we’ve all been talking about avoiding something that is very contagious. 

 

But it’s not just the virus that is contagious right now.



So is panic.

 

And fear.

 

And anxiety.

 

You can be having a perfectly fine day and then… you read something online, hear something on the news, or from a friend, and all of a sudden you notice you are feeling anxious again.

 

Remember that it is up to you to choose how to direct your own energy. It may not always feel like it but it is true. So when you feel that anxiety escalating, you need strategies to short-circuit the anxiety and get back to a feeling of calm and being in your body–rather than taking flight. 

 

Here are a few suggestions for how you can restore the calm:

Ground yourself… literally. Kick-off your shoes and put feet on the floor, or even better, on the earth. Focus your attention on feeling your feet on the ground. Doing so will get you out of your head and connect you with your body. 
Breathe. Place your hands on your lower abdomen and focus on taking long, slow, deep breaths in and out–feeling your abdomen expand and then empty. This abdominal or “belly breathing” is one of the best strategies for calming and centering your mind and body. 
Move your body. Go outside and take a walk. Turn on some music and dance. Find an instructional yoga video on YouTube. Get your blood flowing. The physical movement releases endorphins that your brain needs right now. 
Distract yourself with something that makes you laugh. Watch a sitcom or a funny movie. Go down the rabbit hole of funny animal videos on YouTube. Search for a comedy special on Netflix. Laughter is good for the soul, especially now.

 

One final suggestion…

 

Any time you have the opportunity to show kindness to someone else, do it. Whether it’s a friend, a neighbor, or a stranger in a mask at the grocery store, we can all use a lot more kindness in the world.

 

And after all, anxiety, fear and panic are not the only things that are contagious. Kindness and feelings of calm are too.

 

Do you consider yourself a leader?

Many women are quick to answer no to that question, especially if they aren’t employed in a traditional leadership role.

 

It might surprise you to hear that I see you as a leader. 

 

The concept of personal leadership is something I’ve been teaching for years and is very dear to my heart. 

 

Are you familiar with the concept of personal leadership?

 

Personal leadership allows you to use your positive leadership skills to shape and direct your life rather than letting circumstances determine the direction of your life.

 

It’s about seeing yourself, and knowing yourself, more deeply. The more you are able to recognize the things that inspire you, motivate you, and even the things that hold you back, the more you are able to live a life filled with grit and grace. 

 

Grit and grace may seem to be two very different concepts, but I believe they go hand in hand perfectly like strawberries and champagne. Women are the very embodiment of grit and grace. 

 

It doesn’t matter if you are leading a team of people at work, organizing a movement that you believe passionately about, leading your family, or just taking control of your own destiny.

YOU ARE A LEADER. 

 

And it’s time you started treating yourself like one.

 

That means taking the time to take care of you. Prioritizing things that inspire you. Saying yes to opportunities to get to know YOU and what matters most to you.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked with you about personal leadership, but you are going to be hearing a lot more from me on the subject. 

 

So let me ask you, do you think personal leadership is an important topic for our time? 

 

I think there has never been a time where we have needed it more.

 

Most of us have never been through anything like what is happening right now. We’re all navigating these uncertain waters at the same time so it can be difficult to know what to expect, or if what we are thinking and feeling is normal. Because nothing about this feels normal!

 

As I speak with my clients, colleagues, family, and friends, one thing that almost everyone has mentioned is the “emotional rollercoaster” they’ve been experiencing. 

 

One moment you feel fine and have a wave of productivity and the next you have no motivation, no energy, and you feel frustrated, angry, or even a sense of apathy.

 

These feelings are all completely normal. Trust me when I say that we are all feeling this way, even if we aren’t talking about it.

 

Self-regulation is an important skill to develop in times like this.

 

Self-regulation means being able to pause between a feeling and an action—and then control thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and desires. 

 

While this sounds good in theory, and most of us can do this much of the time, this pandemic is testing us in ways we never before had to consider.

 

With these tools in place, you’ll be able to more consistently manage your emotions and inner world.

 

Sometimes just learning a single new idea or skill can make all the difference in how you feel, how you show up and impact the people in your life.

 

As we all settle into week #5 of social distancing and self-quarantine, think about everything that has happened and changed around you. 

 

Social distancing, flattening the curve, the way we work, the way we communicate and gather suddenly means something very different than it did one month ago.



Social norms are changing, and changing dramatically, right before our eyes. 

 

You can’t expect to have gone through all of these changes in such a short period of time and not have it take a toll on your mindset and mental well being… especially if you live in one of the harder-hit areas.

 

What does your mindset have to do with this pandemic?

 

Everything!

 

Have you noticed that your emotions are shifting around during the course of the day more than usual?

Perhaps one minute you’re fine and another minute anxiety rushes in.

That is completely normal. It is actually a way that our brains function to protect us. Your brain is wired to be vigilant and to scan the horizon for potential warning signs. Right now, like it or not, your brain is on high alert.

 

The truth is that none of us really know what’s going to happen one moment to the next. It’s just that usually we trick ourselves into believing that life is predictable and somehow under our control. 

 

Life is precarious under the best of circumstances and now we are repeatedly hit with this stark reality.

Now more than ever it is vital to look out for your mental and emotional health, as well as that of our loved ones, friends, family, and coworkers.

 

Finding a way to restore calm, peace, and grace is more important now than it has ever been in most of our lifetimes.

 

Rising in the face of this pandemic means not only being able to feel the feelings and carry on with our own lives but also becoming a positive force that impacts those around us. Spreading kindness, humor, calm, and compassion creates a ripple effect that can make a tremendous difference.

 

This is leadership. 

 

 

There is nothing normal about the situation we are all living through right now. 

 

We would all love to wake up one morning and find it was all a bad dream, but unfortunately, that’s not going to happen.

 

Every day I hear from people telling me that they aren’t sleeping, or that they are sleeping all the time. Others tell me that they are having a hard time finding the motivation to do the things they know they need to be doing or that they find themselves bursting into tears over something small (or for no reason at all).

 

If you are feeling this way, know that you aren’t alone. In fact, a recent study shows that 67% of people report higher levels of stress since before the COVID-19 outbreak. 54% say they are more emotionally exhausted than before.

 

Emotionally exhausted. 

 

That’s a good description, isn’t it? 

 

So what can you do about it?

 

One of the things that can help tremendously is to create a sense of normalcy. Or maybe it’s better referred to as “new normalcy.” 

 

Create a framework or a routine for your day.

Try to do the things you would normally do…

Make up your bed,
Fix your coffee
Build a morning routine that leads into your day
Don’t allow yourself to “overwork” while working at home
Establish a set number of hours or a set schedule for working
Make sure you are taking breaks throughout the day.

 

Set a time for your workday to end, and when it does, walk away from your desk and do something completely different. 

 

Go for a walk, listen to music, dance. If your workday has you on a computer all day, make sure your transition activity is not “screen focused.” Don’t watch videos on your phone or plop down in front of the TV right away.

 

And the most important thing you can do… limit the amount of time you spend watching, reading, or listening to the news. Too much exposure to the news increases your anxiety and stress levels.

 

At a time when we don’t have answers for so many questions, including “how much longer will this last?” creating some semblance of a routine will help you to feel more in control of your surroundings and your situation.