Nancy N. Rue's Blog

Hi, Ladies. I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying about Cafe Nudge these last few weeks, wondering just what to do, or whether to do anything, for us as a group. I decided to simply wait until I knew for sure, and I didn't have to wait long. Yesterday, Paige sent me a email that made things clear, in that beautiful way that makes you go, "Ahh, of course. That's it."

Here's what she said:

I’ve been thinking a lot about you and Cafe Nudge lately. I noticed that you hadn’t uploaded a post for last week and thought it was perhaps due to the lack of responses on your previous message. I realize that you’re extremely busy, and that’s precisely why I wanted to email you. I love reading the blog; I love reading your inspiring words- that will never change. However, I want you to know that I understand if you decide to shut down Cafe Nudge. You are 1 woman. No one should expect you to maintain 4(?) blogs! Heck, I cannot even keep up the one I have. From what I know of you, you seem to be really passionate about working with tweens, although you’ve also grown to like working with teens. I’ve loved growing up with you (and I am certain that Melody and the other ladies would second this), but we will ALWAYS be your fans, regardless of whether we have a blog or not. I know that whether you’re posting on there or not, I will still want to keep in contact with you. I love you, Mrs. Rue, and I cherish the work you do, but you’ve got so much on your plate. Please don’t feel like you’re letting us down if you decide to focus elsewhere.

Can you see why that was absolutely perfect? I believe it was a God thing and I'm going with it -- in both sadness because it's time for our relationship to change (just as I was sad when I left my daughter at college) and in joy that you are almost-grown women now, with whom I can have a deeper kind of friendship with on a one-on-one basis, if that's what you'd like.

Some of us have been together since you were twelve years old -- others are more recent members of this community. Whenever you joined us, I think of you all as daughters, and I will continue to. So if you ever need me, or you want to share something celebration worthy, please, please feel free to email me. Since I'm cutting back on a lot of things, I'll have more time to get back to you the way I always want to. 

I'll keep the blog up for about two weeks in case you want to weigh in, say final words, connect with each other for future on-line get-togethers. How about December 1 for an official closing date? I'll still read your comments until that day, but, again, don't hesitate to email me privately. That's nnrue@att.net. 

I love you ladies. Thank you for letting me be part of your lives -- and for being such an important part of mine.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Good morning, ladies. We've been meeting here at Cafe Nudge long enough to have talked about some pretty deep things, things you're struggling with in your new adult lives. Your comments have been intense and well thought-out, which makes this work. We've had a couple of guest posters and we've tried talking about a page from The Merciful Scar. I hope it has all served you well. It feels good, at least from this end.

We've also been meeting here with our tea and lattes long enough for it to be time for some regrouping. Are you getting what you'd hoped to from the Cafe Nudge blog? What's working for you and what isn't? And most importantly, what topics would you like to see us discuss in the near future. Usually I cull those from your comments, but we've reached a plateau where direct input from you is absolutely what we need.

I'm going on a much-needed vacation next week so I won't be posting, which opens up two weeks for you to comment on what topics you'd like for us to talk about, suggestions for changes, and anything else you want to say pertaining to the blog. Feel free to respond to each other's comments -- though you aren't nearly as into that as the tweens and teens! (ya gotta love 'em, and I do)

Looking forward to what you bring to the table. See you on November 5!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Good morning, Ladies. Thanks for sharing your Good News. You've dug beneath the simple (though true) litany of "God is good all the time; all the time, God is good" and discovered the good news that's wrapped inside the suffering. That is the richness of this life we're living.

I thought this week we'd move on to a topic that came up in a phone conversation I had with one of you a few days ago and which I think is something all of you may be dealing with right now.

That is the subject of planning.

It's confusing from a spiritual standpoint. Jesus says, "Don't plan what you're going to say. Don't worry about what you're going to eat or wear. God will give you the words. The Father will feed and clothe you as he does the birds and flowers." Then he turns around and says, "Be sure to count the cost. Be prepared. Get those lamps lit, virgins, and make sure you have plenty of oil."

There's a whole lot more in there than just "to plan or not to plan," but the fact remains that the Gospel isn't totally clear about how we should get done what lies before us. So here's what happens:

    * We look at everything we have to do for school, work, church, relationships, our own personal growth, and we do one of two things, generally:

            a. We freak out and stress and have a meltdown.

     OR b. We decide it can't possibly all get done so we don't do any  of it. Why worry about it? 

    If we go with a, we do one of several things:

            a. We make an elaborate schedule, writing every single thing on our list on the calendar, including bathroom breaks. We resolve to stick to it, no matter what.

        OR b. We look at the list and eliminate some stuff and THEN make a plan, a schedule. We resolve not to even think about the things we're crossed off and not to take on anything new until the list is done

    OR  c.  We see that we can't possibly get it all done right now so we start asking for extensions on deadlines, delegating jobs to other people, making deals with parents, siblings, friends  (if you'll do this for me this one time, I'll do it for you when I get out of this crunch)

Where do you fall in the above when it comes to planning and scheduling and dealing with an oppressive to do list? Has it worked for you? What are the flaws in it? What do you do that's different from these options? What have you found that keeps you out of the meltdown cycle?

We'd love to hear from you so that next week we can take a look at realistic planning, and what DOESN'T need to be scheduled out.  Although I get a lot done I am SO not the expert on this! Trust me, I can get into a crunch with the best of them. I hope we'll learn from each other.

We always do.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue        

Good morning, Ladies, and thank you so much for your prayers and condolences in this big ol time of loss -- and for sharing your own heavy burdens. PAIGE, we'll be praying for you. And ALISHA, thanks for giving us evidence that it DOES get better.

ALISHA, you also pointed out that old stuff continues to come up and there are hours when you -- and all of us -- have to remind ourselves that God's there. That God'll get us through this. That we are loved.

It's what ALISHA calls "the constant journey," and I think that's the perfect term. Where did we ever get the idea that as soon as we embraced our spirituality, that we "should" (not my favorite word) be constantly at peace no matter what happened? Or that other false belief that bugs the heck out of me: that bad things happen because God wants to teach us something. Really? Don't even take me there.

Here's the thing: Jesus came to bring Good News. When we get down with the bad news we're getting from the world -- past mistakes bubbling to the surface, schools downsizing and dropping your major, loved ones dying, loss all over the place -- we tend to forget that. I'm not saying we should be all Pollyanna and say, in the midst of deep sorrow, "It's okay. It's God's will," when we're NOT okay and we don't KNOW if this is God's will.

What I am saying is that if we don't balance the constant journey with the good news, the journey tends to take us downhill. A wise psychologist friend of mine (if you ever read the Sophie books as a kid, he was the model for Dr. Peter) says when you're going through a hard period, continue to do the things that ordinarily bring you joy, with no expectation that they will right now. He calls that banking the joy. When you look back on that time, you see it not just as "Man, I'm glad that's over," but "It was hard, but there were definitely gifts in it."

For example, while I was recovering from my toe surgery, Marijean and Maeryn came to stay wtih us for four days. When Mae was napping Mj and I watched Ken Burns' "The Roosevelts." I will always look back on that time with her as special, even though I was in pain. When Guinness died, we immediately focused on Geneveve and we're discovering things about her we didn't know because Guinness, um, sort of took over the entire house. Since my sister was diagnosed with dementia, her kids, my grown niece and nephew, have become so much closer and I treasure those relationships.

And the Good News isn't just tucked into the bad times. Great stuff is happening all around us that we may not even notice because we're under so much pressure all the time. Sort of makes God a bad weather friend -- we only go to God when we're hurting or afraid or desperate. When things are going fine ....

Jesus' Good News wasn't just that we're going to have eternal life. He wanted us to have life and have it abundantly HERE -- in THIS kingdom on earth. I'd love to hear your good news. It doesn't minimize the bad news. But it makes that constant journey a richer one.

Any good news you want to share? It's not just the comfort. It's the reality. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Hi, Ladies. Feels good to take a deep breath and hang with you for a few minutes. Wish I had a latte. It's too much trouble to hobble up the steps in this gigantic boot thing to even get a cup of tea, so I'll settle for good conversation.

It's been a rough week. I had toe joint surgery last Wednesday and it was more of an ... event than I thought it was going to be. I didn't expect as much pain as I ended up having either. I tried not to whine. Really.

Then on Sunday, our precious Guinness who you can see in the picture above, became very ill. Early Tuesday morning, he passed away. It was a liver infection, something completely out of the blue for a four-year-old pup who was in amazing health and had enough energy for several dogs. The sadness was so heavy I could barely move. It still is at times.

I've shared with you all year the various losses that our family has had to deal with. My beloved agent and friend, another dear friend -- my sister being diagnosed with dementia. Those were all expected, though still painful. This, though ... it seemed to come from nowhere and it is as if the pile got too high and this thing toppled the whole thing sideways. It really does feel like I've fallen off of something tall.

This would be the perfect time to stand out in an open field, look up into the heavens and go "Really, God? Really?" Have you been there? When it all builds up until you think you can't possibly handle one more thing. Another painful loss or slam to endure and you're going down for the count. The psalmists were there several times, shaking their fists at God and accusing him of losing their address.  God can actually take it. I've even done it in the past.

But that same beloved friend and agent who passed away a little over a year ago and left a hole I'll never fill, left this as his legacy. Crystal had it printed on a stone for me. He said:

Whether I'm healed of cancer in this life or not ...

God is good.

God is faithful.

God is merciful.

God is loving.

That is what I believe, this is my confession.

Maybe it's a year of loss and grief and pain that has proven that to be true for me. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't believe God deliberately gives us things like losing a beloved pet or having to have surgery or a watching a sibling lose herself just so we'll  LEARN something. I think we do learn and grow and become strong, with God. But I couldn't say, "God is always good," if I thought God said, "The Rues are too attached to Guinness. I think I'll give the dog a liver infection that will make him suffer for 48 hours before he dies."

Whatever the reason, I completely believe what Lee Hough said. I believe it even today when my foot throbs and my dog Geneveve walks around like she's lost and my sister called me twice in the same hour when I told her I had a Skype session with a client, because she can't help it. I believe it. Which means I'm putting one hand up -- instead of a fist -- and saying, "God, will you pull me up physically and emotionally because right now, I can't do this.

If you want to comment today, tell us if you've been there, with the pile toppling down -- even if the pile is homework and decisions and friend problems --those are completely valid stressors. Tell us if as you begin your adult life, you believe those words, that no matter what, God is good and merciful and loving and faithful. Tell us if that makes a difference.

Be well. Savor the moment.

Have that latte on me.

Blessings,

Nancy

Good morning, ladies. I hope you have an entire POT of java or tea because today's post is in-depth and, um, longer than usual (and you thought MY posts were long). You might even want to divide your reading session into two parts - there's that much to digest.

I asked my daughter Marijean, who is a licensed massage therapist and an awesome human being, to address some of the physical ramifications you talked about last week. She has given you a treatise that, seriously, you  might want to print out and keep around for those occasions when your body is saying, "Stop! Just stop!"

Speaking of bodies, I'm having some surgery this morning -- nothing huge, just having my big toe joint rebuilt. So I'm leaving you with Marijean. Enjoy. Learn. And don't forget to breathe.

I'm Marijean. I'm 35 years old, I'm a wife and a mother of a three-year-old, I'm a massage therapist and about a dozen other things, and I spent five years of my life working as a diagnostician for a depression study directly with two of the top doctors, MD and PhD, in the field of researching the treatment of anxiety and depression. My husband is also a psychiatric nurse practitioner who deals with undergraduate and graduate students all day, and while I breifly considered going into the psychiatric field, I decided I was better suited to another form of healing, which is why I spend my professional time rubbing, compressing, and stretching people. I'm also a life-long sufferer of anxiety and depression, and my own struggles led me to a relationship with myself, my family, my community, my work, and the Divine that boils down to an ever-evolving set of tools for managing my emotional life so that I can be happy and healthy and even a little bit useful. Whether you just feel stressed out sometimes, or you are constantly exhausted by the non-stop deluge of worries and frustrations that is your life, I've set out here to describe how emotions are a physical process that actually can be managed—not by force of will, but by fully engaging the physical body.

            Wow, that sounds really, really like something you'd read on a GNC brochure. But just give me a chance.           

            Let's say you walk into class and find out that you have a test tomorrow in a subject you...aren't awesome at. Your heart speeds up. Your stomach gets upset. Your breathing gets faster and more shallow. Maybe you start to feel hot, or maybe cold, but either way, you're sweating. After a few minutes, some of the more intense physical symptoms you're experiencing start to fade, but for the rest of the day, you have a hard time thinking about anything but the test. You have a hard time sitting still, concentrating, eating—or maybe all you want to eat is sugar, or chips—and sleeping that night. And whether or not you're really aware of it or not, you are feeling worried. Stressed. Anxious.

            Most people in our culture today, when they think about their bodies at all beyond “I'm hungry,” “I'm tired,” or “Do I look fat in this?” think of the physical body as a sort of meat machine that our internal selves ride around in. Some see the “self” as contained in the brain, and some see the brain as just more meat, and the “self” as a soul or spirit. Either way, we think of thoughts and feelings as attached to the self-separate-from-form, as ephemeral and abstract, and not as attached to the physical body at all.

            The truth, though, is that our emotions are as much of a physical process as walking, breathing, and digesting, and they serve a biological purpose. Just like your five senses help you navigate your environment to keep you alive and safe—you can feel a hot burner, for example, or see a truck speeding toward you, or a sensation of hunger urges you to find food—your feelings motivate you to fulfill other needs, such as companionship and security. Feelings you experience are actually layers of chemicals released in your brain and other parts of your body resulting in physical sensations, actions, triggered memories, and thoughts.

            So let's go back to the test example. You receive the news about the test through your senses—you hear your teacher talk about the upcoming test, or see a note about it on a calendar. Your nervous system, which is the bodily system your senses are linked into, carries this information to your brain, where there are three main “emotion chemicals” otherwise known as neurotransmitters: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Dopamine is responsible for feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. Serotonin is associated with memory, learning, and regeneration of brain cells. And norepinephrine helps to control stress and anxiety. Depending on how your particular brain works, different levels of these neurotransmitters will come into play, and a chain reaction of physical processes will begin.

            The limbic system, which is composed of parts of the brain like the amygdala, the hypothalamus, and the hippocampus, start releasing peptides, another type of chemical. These peptides flow into the blood stream and the lymphatic system and reach all the parts of your body. The limbic system can even tell specific organs in your body to produce peptides, and then those organs begin to behave in a certain way. So, if your brain's response to the news about the test results in low serotonin and norepinepherine you will feel anxious, because your limbic system will release peptides like adrenaline and cortisol into your blood and lymph (the fluid of your lymphatic system) and this will increase the production of stomach acid, speed up your heart rate, cause you to sweat, and shorten your breath.

            At this point you're probably thinking, “I kind of don't care about the limbamyga-whatever. How does this help me do algebra/Spanish/the structure of a cell?” but just bear with me. I'm getting to the point, I promise.

            Because you had memories of not doing well in whatever subject the test is in (personally, I'm going to go with trigonometry, because to this day if I met my trigonometry teacher in a dark alley I might curl  into a fetal position and cry. Hard.), when you found out about said-test, you felt fear. Not falling-from-an-airplane fear, but just a little bit of fear, and all the aforementioned stuff in your brain was basically like, “RELEASE THE ADRENALINE!!!” Adrenaline is a peptide known as a hormone, and its other name is epinephrine. If that sounds like the norepinephrine above, then good for you, you're paying attention. They are related. You've probably heard of adrenaline, though, and the “fight-or-flight response.” Because we are designed to generally want to stay alive, adrenaline is kind of like super-juice our body holds in reserve in case we get into physical trouble. It makes it easier to take in oxygen, and briefly supercharges our muscles so we can be strong and fast enough to get away, or so we can be really, really still (which is hard to do for more than a few seconds—just try it) until whatever is threatening us goes (hopefully) away. Unfortunately, it's not a really discerning substance—it doesn't always make great choices for you. Like, if something's about to hit you in the face, freezing up isn't the best idea—but it generally gets the job done if, like, a lion is chasing you. But it also can't tell the difference between a lion and an algebra test. And I think most of us would agree that you don't need to be as freaked out about an algebra test as you do about a large carnivore.

             Fortunately for you, your limbic system also releases cortisol, which is there to help your body process and get rid of adrenaline so you're not walking around ready to bust out kung fu on everyone who walks around the corner. If you are being chased by a lion, the way it works is that the adrenaline puts your whole body on high alert. What the cortisol does is tell parts of your body that aren't useful for outrunning lions, like your immune system(which LOVES to go high order), to back off, and while your muscles and lungs go into overdrive to outrun Mufasa, the cortisol keeps your muscles from becoming inflamed from so much sudden use. It sort of re-directs your body's energy away from stuff it's always doing—rebuilding your bones and muscles and properly breaking down and storing food—into whatever is necessary to keep you alive. Cortisol is like the police at the disaster scene telling the innocent bystanders to flee and showing the emergency personnel where to go.

            Here's the problem: most of us are not being chased by lions. And while some of us really have been in life-or-death/potential-bodily-harm situations, most of us are just dealing with things like algebra tests. Now, these things are very important, don't get me wrong, but they won't open your jugular vein. It's just that, without you really consciously intervening in your body's physical process, on a chemical level your body doesn't distinguish between big pointy teeth and the quadratic equation.

            Here's the other problem: Once the lion has given up on eating you, and gone to find a nice antelope, you know you have the all-clear and your cortisol levels naturally fall and your body gets back in balance. But here's the thing with stuff like tests—you worry about it until you take it, you are freaking out while you're taking it, and then you are worrying about it until you get your grade. If you get a good grade, your brain does you a solid and hits you with a bit of dopamine. Woo-hoo! That feels good! Go you! This is helpful because the next time you come up against a test, your brain MIGHT even see it as an opportunity to get another good grade, and another hit of awesome-feeling-good-job-me-accomplishment, as opposed to something to be afraid of. But if you get a bad grade, or if you have the kind of brain that does not maintain the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine that help you remember your previous good grade accurately and manage your levels of stress accordingly, you will continue to have the anxiety/fear response.

            Here's problem number three: it takes your body a long time to produce more adrenaline, but it can pretty much keep sending out cortisol all day long. Cortisol also doesn't have an automatic manager for it the way it is designed to automatically manage adrenaline, so it can just run rampant. So if your feeling of anxiety goes on beyond the in-the-moment need for a little super power, as is the case with so many problems not involving lions, you're going to have a lot of cortisol in your system, but there is no adrenaline for it to control, and nothing to control it. But it's still going to do things like suppress your immune system, change the way your body processes and distributes energy (i. e. whether you start dropping weight because your body is telling you it isn't hungry or packing it on because you cannot stop eating because you always feel hungry because your blood sugar is being affected), and over time even start to atrophy your muscles and interfere with the process of your bones being rebuilt. Cortisol now becomes that crossing guard who is blowing her whistle at everyone going 14 miles-per-hour (even though the school zone is 15mph, lady...), backing up traffic for over an hour, even though all of the kids have already gone into their classrooms and are in no danger of any cars.

            Our society, through our education system, teaches us apply ourselves and “take things seriously” because more than being charged with making sure we can add numbers and conjugate verbs, it is charged with making sure we take our future jobs and responsibilities seriously, that we will equate a relatively abstract activity like filling in a spreadsheet or remembering a schedule with earning our livelihood—a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. Life or death, right? But is every single spreadsheet life or death? Media in our society taps into our needs as social beings for companionship and acceptance by creating anxiety for us around the idea that earning money, having certain things, and looking a certain way will attract others, and if we don't do those things, we'll be alone. Fear is a very, very effective way to get someone to pay attention, because it is the emotion most directly linked to our sense of self-preservation. But what ends up happening is that a lot of people feel really, really anxious a lot of the time, sometimes without realizing it, and are flooded with cortisol that isn't battling adrenaline. They are also holding their bodies in limited positions, and tensing their muscles—another reaction to anxiety and stress, preparing to freeze or fly—and slowly getting weaker and sicker.

            This has just taken a VERY depressing turn.

            Don't despair! There's a bright side!

            Because emotions are SUCH a physical process, you can DO PHYSICAL THINGS TO HELP BALANCE THEM BACK OUT.

            What?!?!?!

            It's true.

            Activities that counteract—act in opposition to—the physical symptoms of stress release another peptide into the body. Drumroll, please.....endorphins!!!! You've heard of endorphins, probably in relation to exercise, but you don't have to be a marathon runner to experience them. Their name literally means “a morphine-like substance originating from within the body.” I don't know if you've ever had morphine, but if you haven't, let me tell you—it pretty much makes you chill the heck out. To say the least.

            The trick is, you have to be aware of what is going on. You have to pause and check in with yourself. You have to know what is going on with you physically so you can counteract. So that's the first step: as I often say to my three-year-old, “STOP. JUST STOP.”

            Once you've stopped, here is a list of things that you can do to counteract common physical symptoms of stress. I do/have done all of these things. They are not they only things, but they area solid foundation, I promise you.

1. If you are only breathing into the upper part of your chest, take slow, deep breaths that make your lower abdomen expand when you breathe in. Slowly taking oxygen into the whole of the lungs signals the body that the threat has passed, and as the oxygen in your lungs goes through your blood stream and reaches your brain, your brain will be able to better function—that is, regulate its chemical processes.

2. If your muscles are tense (hmmm, neck and shoulders? Yeah, I thought so), stretch and move them. First, roll your shoulders back, jut your chin forward, and then gently lift it and look up at the ceiling (but don't collapse your neck all the way back). This should stretch your chest open and lengthen the front of your neck. Then drop your chin to your chest and roll your shoulders forward to stretch the back of your neck and your upper back. Stand up, interlace your fingers, stretch your arms over your head and turn your palms up so your hands make a tabletop facing the ceiling, leaning back a little so you feel an opening stretch in your lower abdomen. Then, still standing, bend forward. If your fingers/hands can't touch the ground, rest them on your shins, knees, or thighs, and really lift your tailbone toward the ceiling. Stand back up, rolling up your spine until you're all the way vertical. Gently twist just your upper body to the right, looking over your right shoulder, and then do the same thing to the left. You should breathe while you do all this, by the way—don't ever hold your breath during a stretch. These basic stretches target all the muscle groups that experience the most tension in our modern lives, but by all means, don't limit yourself. Hie thee to a yoga class, get a Rodney Yee DVD, get a book on Yoga or find a website and learn all you can. Lengthening your muscle fibers and counteracting tension releases endorphins, oxygenates your tissues, and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (the nervous system has a lot of components...), which is responsible for all the things your body does at rest—digest properly, move waste products through the body (like chemicals you don't need anymore...that's you, cortisol), and rebuild your brain, muscles, and bones. The movement also helps to get cortisol that can stagnate in your tissues flowing back into the blood stream so it can be flushed out of your body.

3. If you feel sluggish, achy, and generally immobile, but also really, REALLY restless, get up and move! Start with a walk, and always couple a more vigorous physical activity with stretching, especially if you have been still for a while. The more you move, the more endorphins you will release. The more you pair your movement with things that have other positive associations for you—such as music with dance, or the commeraderie of a team sport, or watching a favorite film while on a treadmill—the more endorphins you will release. This obviously will also help to flush out any stagnated cortisol.

4. If, on the other hand, you have been going, going, going non-stop, SIT THE HECK DOWN. Time to dial it back, because if you are the kind of person who continues to fuel your anxiety and stress by pushing and pushing, you won't be able to release endorphins through your activity. Your body is just like, “Dude, that lion will just NOT stop chasing me! Go find a freakin' wildabeast, man!” A warm bath, a massage, meditation, and prayer will help to turn all that off and turn your parasympathetic nervous system back on.

5. If you don't feel like eating, YOU NEED TO EAT. And if you feel like eating ALL OF THE TIME, you still need to eat. But in both cases, you need to first drink water, oh so much water, like go drink two glasses of water right now. No, right now. I'll wait. I'm serious. GO. Okay, and then you need to eat a. lean protein, and b. a dark green vegetable. Nuts, legumes, eggs, chicken, fish, maybe pork (maybe...), and pair it with some spinach, broccoli, kale, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, chard. If you are in the land of cortisol, one of two things is happening: your body is either in fasting mode, because it does that when it thinks it needs to only power the REALLY important systems because the apocalypse is upon you; or it's in store-up-for-the-apocalypse-which-is-clearly-coming-soon mode, and making you think you need to eat all of the carbs and sugar and fatty things so it can insulate you to keep you warm and you can live off your reserves while you're waiting out the fallout. Fueling yourself with protein and vitamin-rich foods that don't have a bunch of filler ingredients will basically reset your digestive system, because those foods can only be used in one way—they can just be energy for right now, not saved for later. Proper fuel will, surprise surprise, trigger your body to function properly, or as it was meant to. Now, obviously, don't go eat a handful of peanuts if that's going to send you into anafylactic shock, or kale if you are taking a blood-thinning medication. Use your head, but fill your stomach with good things.

6. Go to someone you love and trust and touch that person. Give and get a hug. Hold hands. Massage can also fall into this category—touch stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, endorphins, and depending on who is touching you, even oxytocin, known as “the love hormone” which basically makes you feel as though you are connected to others. But since your body and your emotions are all connected, it does have to be someone who feels safe to you, who will respect your boundaries.

7. If you have tried all of these things multiple times (like, ten or more, over several days) and you feel exactly the same, or if your levels of anxiety are making you feel constantly trapped, down, and hopeless, so that you can't even bring yourself to try any of these things, time to call in the professionals. Talk to friends and family members about how you are feeling, and contact your doctor. Remember all of those neurotransmitters and other chemicals? Yeah, for some people they get SO out of whack that medical intervention is really helpful, and even necessary, to get things back on track. Anxiety, which often leads to depression, is part of life, especially our modern lives—in fact, our society is like an anxiety-producing MACHINE that it feels impossible to disconnect from—but it is also a medical condition. You wouldn't be like, “Oh, I'll just handle this cancer by myself,” and depression, which follows anxiety around like a puppy dog, in advanced stages is just as deadly as cancer. Anxiety, too, in addition to just being a really crappy way to live your life (and believe me, I know whereof I speak) is linked to an unbelievably long list of other medical conditions, including (but not limited to): headaches and migraines, gastrointestinal problems, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, immunodeficiency, eating disorders, high blood pressure...even if worrying doesn't always kill you, it will do its best to make you suffer. So please reach out, and don't feel alone. It is estimated that at LEAST 50% of the population suffers or has suffered from depression or anxiety, which means you could turn to the person next to you, anywhere in America, and have a 50% chance that person understands a little bit what's going on with you. Those are good odds.

            Your emotions are not just in your head, and neither are the physical symptoms you may be experiencing because of them. There is no switch to turn them off, no magic pill, and you can't just will your stress away. But your body is YOUR BODY, and you do have the power to know it and work with it to manage stress, anxiety, and even to help yourself climb out of depression. Whatever you feel is real, and it's your experience, and I think it's necessary to honor it...but it doesn't have to control you. You have the power to work with your feelings, instead of letting them work you.

            And if you see a lion, or my trigonometry teacher, you should probably just run.

Good morning, ladies. For anyone just joining us, welcome to Cafe Nudge. Grab a coffee, a tea, a hot chocolate, a whatever, and get into deep-conversation-with-soul sisters mode. I'm enjoying a cup of PG Tips, which is a British tea that just rocks. I mean seriously, who makes a better brew than the English? (Okay, maybe the Japanese -- but that's for an entirely different discussion; do you see how if we were actually together at Starbucks the digressions would form bunny trails for miles?)

I've read your responses to last week's post and I see several threads in this tapestry of major adjustments that I'd like to follow. We'll get to relationships with parents in this time of change and finding times for friends and for self. But the thread I'd like to coax out today  is the issue of our bodies' responses to stress.

You've reported headaches, stomach aches, fluttery chests, high heart rates, and exhaustion so deep you can hardly walk. 

MELODY put it so well: "A few mornings a week I'll wake up nauseous and realize it's my body reacting to something that it thinks it should be stressed about, even if I'm not consciously too worried about it.  KATE echoes that:  "It's not that big of a deal, but my body thinks so."

Even though as young women you may be aware of the appearance of your body, like, constantly, all the stresses and concerns and adjustments of this time in your life make it almost impossible to pay attention to what your body's doing on the inside ... until it turns on you.

Here's the deal -- we may have control over how we handle stressful situations in terms of how we act, how we relate to people, how we move through the day, how much time we spend studying ... the list goes on. But our bodies have minds of their own and they WILL react exactly how they please.

Think about this first, if you will. Where in your body do you carry stress? What's your physical signal that there is way too much going on with you?  Hands down, mine is my jaw. Always has been. I'm not one to get sick to my stomach under stress, or get diarrhea when I'm anxious, or suddenly be stricken with back pain when life gets hard. But let me get overwhelmed and that TMJ pain kicks in so fast, it's like somebody flipped a switch. Where does your stress live in your body?

We can do two things with that.

    (1) Work on that area and relieve the pain. Absolutely necessary -- trust me. The clenching of my jaw from high school on did so much damage to my jaw joints, I had to have four surgeries to repair it. Jaw wired shut for weeks at a time ... it was ugly. (Didn't stop me from talking, but that's yet another bunny trail.)  

    (2) Deal with the stress itself. As long as we're anxious and over-extended and driving toward the ever elusive perfectionism, we're going to have upset stomachs, hammering hearts, achey necks. Number (1) is vital, but getting to the root of it is even more so. 

We'll talk about (1) next week -- with a guest post from a massage therapist who happens to be my daughter. As for (2), that's a subject that can cover a whole series of posts. Would you like to go there? Is that a direction you'd like to take here? Let me know.

For today, I want to offer one thing. It has helped me tremendously through the years of major adjustments -- even now as I adjust to new roles. That is this: focus on one thing at a time. A friend of mine recently reminded me that Jesus didn't multi-task. He had a huge amount of work to get done in, what, three years? But he devoted his energy to one piece of his call at a time. So can we do anything else?

It's one thing to review your notes one last time before the exam while you're brushing your teeth. How could you get through college otherwise, right? What we're talking about here is trying to write a term paper while you're worried about not spending enough time with your friends. Taking notes in class and at the same time texting your study group to set up a session for a different class. Having coffee with your friends and simultaneously stressing over quadratic equations, wondering if you're gaining weight, and rehearsing a dance routine in your head. If that's not a recipe for a physical stress response, I don't know what is.  

What does that multi-tasking thing look like in your life? Do you try to do six things at once, or try to do one thing while worrying about everything else you're NOT doing?

I can almost hear you saying, How can I NOT worry about all this stuff? I'm in COLLEGE!   I get that, because from now on there are going to be a multitude of things vying for your attention all at once. Like, for the rest of your life.  Now is the time to get a handle on it, to take charge and say, "I am only going to focus on this one thing for the next two hours. No texts, no phone calls, no emails. Just me and the task at hand" It may be hard at first - maybe more anxiety for a moment or two - but hang with it. It can even relieve homesickness. Give it a go.   

So on to the day, ladies. Do the next right thing.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Morning, Ladies. As usual, your responses to our post have been real and helpful to each other. ALISHA, thanks for being open with us about how tough it is adjusting to college, and KATY and MELODY, your honesty and support were right on. I'd like to take this whole issue of making major adjustments and run with it, because even if you're not away at school, something in your life is probably changing in a huge way. What are your twenties about if not shifting and transforming? You can stay home and do university courses on line just like you did home schooling in high school, keep the same friends, go to the same church -- and still something inside you will start to morph. If it doesn't, are you really growing at all?

Change is anxiety-producing. Girls who are two weeks from their weddings can have panic attacks, even sure as they are that this is Right Guy. Get your own apartment with close friends -- something you've co-dreamed since middle school -- and whammo, you're lying awake at night wondering what the Sam Hill happened to your childhood. Buy your first car -- who doesn't want that kind of freedom -- and the first time you drive it alone you're overcome with loneliness for your siblings in the mini-van. 

Change is harder for some people than others, but I think everyone, if she's honest with herself, struggles at some point with the major shift from that teen still dependent on her parents (at the same time she's chomping at the bit to away from said 'rents) to the new woman taking responsibility for her own life. For every three teaspoons of excitement there's at least one of straight-up fear.

One of the things that can make that change-panic bearable is that it's normal. We live in a society that wants to medicate every twinge of anxiety, wants to make you feel better because feeling bad ... well, we just can't have that. I have a story from my own experience that speaks to that.

When I was in my 40's, I left a teaching career to write full time, my lifelong dream. At the same time, my husband got a job here in Nashville (we were living in Reno at the time) and he came out here to set things up for us while I stayed behind to see Marijean through high school so she didn't have to move in the middle of it. So here's the scene: big career change, away from the kids I'd been with for four years, husband not there, raising teenage daughter virtually alone. I took a serious nosedive into depression. I'd struggled with episodes for several years in my past but it had been 12 years since it had hit me so I was completely thrown. I thought I'd tough my way through it like I always had in the past, but it wasn't working this time. It got ugly.

Couldn't eat.

Couldn't sleep.

Couldn't sit still for more than five minutes at a time.

Could only think about the fact that I was surely losing my mind, yet I pretended I was fine with everybody else.

Finally a great friend said I had to see a doctor, and that wonderful doc introduced me to the medication that has surely saved my sanity. But he also insisted that I go into therapy. 

I was resistant, but God blessed me with an amazingly gifted woman named Glenda who saved my life. However, things started off a little funky. In order to get insurance to pay for my treatment, she had to make an official diagnosis. On the form she checked off, "adjustment disorder."

I had a "disorder"? I didn't "adjust" the way "normal" people did? Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!

That led to more inner torment about how I just needed to get my act together. That this combination of events in my life shouldn't be throwing me this way. If I couldn't handle this on my own, then I had to admit to being ... gasp ... mentally ill.

As Glenda and I worked together, of course, she assured me that, while I was clearly clinically depressed and that wasn't the reaction everybody has to change and loss, I wasn't, well, nuts. Yeah, it was harder for me adjust to major change than many people, but some kind of reaction to the life shifts I was facing was perfectly normal. That was huge in my healing because I could accept that what I was going through was okay. I wasn't a complete weinie. And if I was, so be it! 

All that to say -- we tend to pathologize so many things in our culture. We see grief as a sickness. You're sad? Then you must be depressed (which are two entirely differnt things) You're uneasy in a crowd where you know no one? Let's label that social anxiety and get you some meds.

I am NOT saying that medication isn't appropriate in many situations. I've been taking it for nearly twenty years and always will. It saves so many people's lives and improves the quality of life in countless others. Sometimes people absolutely need therapeutic help to get through tough times or deal with ongoing issues like anxiety, panic attacks, a tendency toward depression, rage, social fears.

I AM saying that whatever your reaction to the big changes of your late teens and your twenties, the fact that you're HAVING a reaction is normal. Rather than beating yourself up, you should reach out like ALISHA has and discover you're not alone, you're not immature and unready for life, you're going to make it.

So keep sharing your "adjustment disorders" here on Cafe Nudge. What is the biggest change you're going through right now? How are you reacting to it? Can you help each other? How is your faith helping -- or not?

It is a good thing to learn how to navigate through change now because the various transmutations your life will go through are never ending. Right now, in my sixties, I'm trying to work my way through  the diagnosis that my sister has dementia. Never expected that. But I rely on all I've learned -- from Glenda, from so many friends, from God -- and from you, my young women friends. Much from you.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue           

Good morning, Ladies. I'm looking out my office window at the aftermath of last night's wind-whipping storm. A few branches that were ready to be pruned anyway now litter the ground. Every leaf and grass blade and weed looks three shades greener than it did yesterday. Small puddles have formed under the feeders for the birds to bathe in. So peaceful -- something I couldn't have imagined last night when thunder rattled the house and water crept into the basement and King Arthur Kitty was scratching at the front door yowling, "For the love of the the LAND, could you let a cat IN?"

With both phone lines out and TV reception iffy and the Internet shut down and just two nervous pups and a disgruntled feline here with me, if someone had said, "This too shall pass," I would probably have pinched his or her head off. What about NOW? This minute? When lightning forks all around the power lines and the lamps blink and I have no way to reach out and say, "It's scary here!" -- "this too shall pass" isn't very helpful.

Okay, so I know thunderstorms end and the Internet comes back on and the cell service is restored every single time we have a summer thunderstorm. But what about the times when I -- and you -- are  deep into a storm that whirls above and around and below and shows no sign of stopping? Does the idea of it eventually passing help the moment?

These are some things I know about that:

    * When you're depressed, it's almost impossible to imagine that you'll ever feel any better than you do right now.  Depression is a disease of perspective, making it almost impossible to see a way out.

    * Grief is very much like that too. A close friend of mine who is mourning the loss of her husband says that sometimes she can't imagine ever feeling joy again. I want to say, "It has to get better," but will that really help her in the moment?

    * When a situation ISN'T going to pass, that phrase is like putting a band-aid on a severed artery. My sister has dementia. It isn't going to get better. We're trying to do everything we can to keep her happy and safe, but we all know that at some point, she isn't even going to know who we are.

    * Even when you know the storm WILL pass, that only goes so far when you're in it. Do we wait for Jesus to come walking toward us on the roiling sea and beckon us to walk with him? Can we? Should we be doing something?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on a few things --

    * Does "This too shall pass?" help? Has it in your experience? Or has it elicited other feelings?

    * What's your current storm? (Don't feel a need to write a lengthy comment unless of course you want to. We love all kinds -- but I know you're busy with these New Adult lives you're trying to live)

    * Will it pass on its own? What part does your faith play? What are you trying to do about it? MELODY's comment is a good one to read if you haven't already.

I'm turning now to some squalls I need to deal with this morning. Funny ... I feel clearer about facing them now that I've written this. Go figure.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue         

Hey, ladies. I think we're finally figuring out this Cafe Nudge thing, don't you? The conversation is beginning to flow, the honesty is there, and the thoughts are deep. Any suggestions you have for making this even more beneficial for you, I'm always open to those. We are nothing if not organic.

I also appreciate your positive responses to the idea of a coffee chat at some point. I'm thinking November -- between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Sound good?

Your water metaphors were fabulous. We had everything from floating in a lake to standing in the face of a typhoon. I didn't get the sense that anyone was currently drowning, although I'm sure we've all had that experience -- sometimes on a daily basis for long periods of time! Then of course, there are the droughts. Nothing's working and you find yourself kind of wishing for a tornado just so you could make sure you can still feel.No one mentioned that, but, then, when you're in a drought it's hard to even get to the computer.

MELODY brought up an important point about all that. She said she's in a peaceful river kind of place right now, but with a new semester approaching (Junior year, Melody? Yikes! Already?) she wonders if she can keep swimming there, or if thunderstorms are on the horizon. And on the other hand, what if there ARE no storms? As she put it :  Can I trust God and be as aware of God when there's not a lot of conflict in my life?

In my experience it's absolutely true that God feels so much closer and I'm so much more intentional about reaching out to God when I have a friend dying, and another friend DOES die, and a family member gets a devastating diagnosis and my career takes a nauseating shift -- all in the same year. When life is calm and the proverbial dust has settled, it's easier to whip through quiet time and get on with the day that I have planned.  Not only that, but I wonder, if I don't have that pain in my chest today, will I remember to pray?

The question is NOT whether God brings calamity, tragedy, drama or just plain stress into our lives so we'll realize how much we need him. I don't buy that at all. The point is: do WE need storms to keep us aware that we can't make it without our Lord -- or can we maintain our end of the connection when life is going along, well, swimmingly? CAN we fall into a daily rhythm the way SARAH ELIZABETH has when we don't feel like we HAVE to in order to get through the day? 

I think what we're talking about here is a delicate balance and an important one. Let's hear your thoughts first. If you don't cover it all, I'll chime in. Maybe Sister Frankie will too, as well as a guest poster.

Have a blessed, balanced week, my friends.

Nancy Rue