Satan admits to getting worn out and “not evil enough anymore.” Endorses both Trump and Hillary for President
In a recent interview with Fox News anchor Shepard Smith, Satan (long thought to be the indefatigable Prince of Evil) admitted that he has lost his competitive edge and must yield to more energetic new seekers for his throne.
“Yeah, you know,” an exhausted looking Beelzebub told Smith, “I just can’t keep up anymore. It was so much easier back when I got my start. All I had to do was show up pretending to be an angel and people would do anything I told them. Or, like, I would just use sex or a little bit of money. It was no big deal, really.”
Shepard Smith, a lower level servant himself, seemed distressed by the news.
“But you’re the Dark Lord,” he said, “you can’t just quit. Rupert and the gang back at headquarters won’t have anyone to take orders from anymore.”
Lucifer let out a cackle that echoed through the halls of Fox News, “Oh, that won’t be a problem. Truth is—and I realize that sounds funny coming from me—there are people much better qualified to run the show these days.”
“Who do you mean?” said a crestfallen Smith.
“Well, after walking about the earth like a roaring lion for the last few decades, I came up with a short list just in case I ever wanted to take things easy. I’m down to two names—Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It wasn’t easy at first but this election cycle in the US helped a lot. I mean these two… hot damnation! You talk about power hungry, selfish, narcissistic, conniving, ruthless, and completely missing a moral compass. They both set such an admirable example of pure, distilled evil that I am hanging up my pitchfork and bifurcated tail. Time to take a load off these cloven hooves, if you know what I mean.”
The famously glib news anchor just stared, mouth falling open to let a small thread of drool fall on to his tie.
The Son of Perdition continued, “Yeah, I figure I can take a break for at least four years now. Never really thought that the End of Days would be so easy on me, but it looks like this thing will wrap itself up just fine.”
Shepard shook himself and rallied. “So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying,” the Father of Lies pumped both fists in the air, “Hillary and Trump for President. Ain’t no lesser thing to worry about here. Choose them both, I say. Either is fine. Both is even better. Burn it all down, fuckers! Whoooeee.”
“Err,” said Smith, “But their policies are vastly different.”
Satan hooked thumbs under his suspenders and shook his head, “Naw. Not so much. See, it’s not about what they’re saying to get elected. Why, I’ve been feeding them their lines for years. You know all those lobbyists—well, I know you know them, they’re your golfing buddies—anyway, if you ever look in a lobbyist’s mouth you’ll see that they have forked tongues. Every damned one of them works for me. It’s how I keep things going so crookedly well.”
Smith shuffled a stack of papers, trying to regain control of the interview.
“Way I see it,” said the Devil, “Now that I’m old and tired, it’s time to let them that has all the fire and brimstone in their veins take over. Those poor little people out there who are all worked up about who’s going to be President just don’t get it. I think it’s cute how exercised they get about it, too. Coming to blows on Facebook, yelling at each other everywhere. Hell, that’s the best part. The angrier they get at each other, the easier it is for me. All I have to do is dangle a couple of puppets out there and the psychotic little grubs do all the rest. What they don’t realize is that being all distracted by these idiots and their gorgeously false agendas keeps them from doing any real good in the world. And for that I am eternally grateful.”
At this point, Shepard Smith ended the interview. He was last seen hiding under his desk consuming handfuls of Xanax and barricading himself behind a growing pile of empty vodka bottles.
