Blaming and Shaming
Once a month I write an article for the Vero Beach Press Journal on behalf of the Christian Science Church. Here is one of my most recent articles.
Two of the words that seem to go hand-in-hand with what’s happening in the news and especially on the Internet are “Blaming and Shaming.”
Recently two incidents stand out. A mother in Cincinnati allowed her 4-year-old boy to slip away from her and wander into a gorilla exhibit. After the 400-pound lowland silverback named Harambe dragged the boy roughly through the exhibit’s moat, Cincinnati Zoo officials shot and killed the animal.
The other incident occurred in Orlando when a Dad allowed his young son to wade in the waters near his hotel at Disneyworld. Unfortunately, an alligator attacked the child, which resulted in his passing.
And the world blamed and shamed the parents.
“If she had watched her child, he wouldn’t have been in the gorilla enclosure in the first place,” wrote a commenter on a petition calling for Child Protection Services to investigate the boy’s parents for negligence. Tens of thousands of people signed it.
“That child’s parents should be responsible for the financial loss of that Gorilla,” wrote someone on a Facebook post that received 15,000 likes.
Why did his Dad let him swim in the water when the sign said clearly ‘No Swimming,’ questioned thousands of people on the Internet.
Now, let’s look at the facts.
Do we know the whole story? Where is our empathy? Are we too quick to judge? Does our judgment matter?
A parent is responsible for the actions of his or her children, but stuff happens.
In reviewing the videos, it was found that the mother in the gorilla case also had three other children in tow. The child in question had refused her request to stay by her side.
Photos taken by by-standers revealed the father was alert but had no idea an alligator was approaching as they waded in such shallow water.
I would have preferred the gorilla been tranquilized but I didn’t have the life of the young boy in my hands either. I also didn’t know the history of the gorilla…was he difficult, dangerous in other incidents?
The French have a true and kindly proverb, which says, “To understand all is to forgive all.” Indeed, events may assume an entirely different aspect when both sides of a question are learned; and condemnation is often turned to respect and sympathy.
Shaming a person leaves an indelible scar. A physical wound may heal in time, but a wound like this is less likely to fade and heal.
Shaming seeks to control by diminishing. When you seek to make someone feel disgraced, humiliated, or regretful, you are shaming them. One definition of shaming, is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
And in the case of children, it takes correction to a new level. Instead of saying “In our home (or friendship or community) we don’t treat others this way,” it says, “I can’t believe you would do something like that, you are not a good person.”
Shaming tells a person their identity, not their actions, is bad.
Perhaps it all goes back to the biblical notion of the worth of man. We are made in the image of God, and any diminution of someone created in the image of God is no different than demeaning God. Preserving the dignity of someone else, whatever the effort and cost is always considered worth the endeavor. No child of God should be subjected to an act of shame or humiliation.
It takes great humility to check our own thoughts to see if we are falling into this web of blaming and shaming. It’s easy to see what others are doing wrong – as the scribes and Pharisees could so easily see the sin in the “woman taken in adultery.”
None of us are humanly perfect. And certainly it seems that there are some who are neglectful, unenlightened parents, often resulting in disobedient children. But, it’s not our job to condemn each other. Let’s not add to the burden of another’s pain with our judgment. If we would guard our lips from expressing, we must control our thoughts, we must stop this continual sitting in judgment on the acts of others.
Let’s turn off the process of blaming and shaming. Let’s eliminate pride, passion, personal feelings, prejudice, and pettiness …and higher, purer ideals will result.
Perhaps the best way forward is to better respect the dignity and journey of others.
Two of the words that seem to go hand-in-hand with what’s happening in the news and especially on the Internet are “Blaming and Shaming.”
Recently two incidents stand out. A mother in Cincinnati allowed her 4-year-old boy to slip away from her and wander into a gorilla exhibit. After the 400-pound lowland silverback named Harambe dragged the boy roughly through the exhibit’s moat, Cincinnati Zoo officials shot and killed the animal.
The other incident occurred in Orlando when a Dad allowed his young son to wade in the waters near his hotel at Disneyworld. Unfortunately, an alligator attacked the child, which resulted in his passing.
And the world blamed and shamed the parents.
“If she had watched her child, he wouldn’t have been in the gorilla enclosure in the first place,” wrote a commenter on a petition calling for Child Protection Services to investigate the boy’s parents for negligence. Tens of thousands of people signed it.
“That child’s parents should be responsible for the financial loss of that Gorilla,” wrote someone on a Facebook post that received 15,000 likes.
Why did his Dad let him swim in the water when the sign said clearly ‘No Swimming,’ questioned thousands of people on the Internet.
Now, let’s look at the facts.
Do we know the whole story? Where is our empathy? Are we too quick to judge? Does our judgment matter?
A parent is responsible for the actions of his or her children, but stuff happens.
In reviewing the videos, it was found that the mother in the gorilla case also had three other children in tow. The child in question had refused her request to stay by her side.
Photos taken by by-standers revealed the father was alert but had no idea an alligator was approaching as they waded in such shallow water.
I would have preferred the gorilla been tranquilized but I didn’t have the life of the young boy in my hands either. I also didn’t know the history of the gorilla…was he difficult, dangerous in other incidents?
The French have a true and kindly proverb, which says, “To understand all is to forgive all.” Indeed, events may assume an entirely different aspect when both sides of a question are learned; and condemnation is often turned to respect and sympathy.
Shaming a person leaves an indelible scar. A physical wound may heal in time, but a wound like this is less likely to fade and heal.
Shaming seeks to control by diminishing. When you seek to make someone feel disgraced, humiliated, or regretful, you are shaming them. One definition of shaming, is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
And in the case of children, it takes correction to a new level. Instead of saying “In our home (or friendship or community) we don’t treat others this way,” it says, “I can’t believe you would do something like that, you are not a good person.”
Shaming tells a person their identity, not their actions, is bad.
Perhaps it all goes back to the biblical notion of the worth of man. We are made in the image of God, and any diminution of someone created in the image of God is no different than demeaning God. Preserving the dignity of someone else, whatever the effort and cost is always considered worth the endeavor. No child of God should be subjected to an act of shame or humiliation.
It takes great humility to check our own thoughts to see if we are falling into this web of blaming and shaming. It’s easy to see what others are doing wrong – as the scribes and Pharisees could so easily see the sin in the “woman taken in adultery.”
None of us are humanly perfect. And certainly it seems that there are some who are neglectful, unenlightened parents, often resulting in disobedient children. But, it’s not our job to condemn each other. Let’s not add to the burden of another’s pain with our judgment. If we would guard our lips from expressing, we must control our thoughts, we must stop this continual sitting in judgment on the acts of others.
Let’s turn off the process of blaming and shaming. Let’s eliminate pride, passion, personal feelings, prejudice, and pettiness …and higher, purer ideals will result.
Perhaps the best way forward is to better respect the dignity and journey of others.
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