I give up.

Okay, not literally. But figuratively—and I mean “figuratively” literally. As in, I cannot determine the shape of the stories I write. I started with the question of what is romantic erotica vs. erotic romance, and have ended up wanting to strangle myself with Christian Grey's necktie.

When I began reading and writing romance in the 1990s (ack!), it was a lot easier to sort books into genres. Step-back cover with billowing gown and a duke—must be Historical Romance. Greek tycoon and virginal secretary—gotta be Harlequin Presents. Quirky cartoon cover and a dog somewhere—probably chick lit. Is there a flower on the cover and maybe a tragedy somewhere? That goes in Women’s Fiction.

Now I’m writing fiction again (after a long hiatus in the ivory tower and Lego bin), and I have not the foggiest clue what’s what anymore.

Being a researcher by training, I started with that. I studied self-publishing from books, blogs, podcasts, online groups, newspapers, market reports and anecdotes. Many, if not all, strongly recommend studying the Bestseller lists in different genres to see what is selling, what kinds of covers and titles and blurbs are popular, etc. That can be overwhelming, but it’s doable.

Conclusion: I just need to write to market and fulfill reader and genre expectations.

Say I want to write sexy short stories. That must be Erotica, right? What’s the difference between erotica and porn again? Maybe women buy erotica, and men buy porn?

Oh, I have an idea! How about I write about a man in a lonely marriage who wants more kids, conspiring with his son’s college-student babysitter to start an affair and knock her up. Even better if he’s a billionaire and maybe he ties her up first? Perfect! Okay, maybe the last part is a bit too much—let’s just stick to knocking up the babysitter.

Hmmm. Wait, I don’t want my stories to be filtered out by Amazon’s gatekeepers. Yes, there is an adult filter, which means that the violating story will not show up in a search by title or author name. It will not show up in your Author Central. You will only be able to locate it if you have the exact URL and/or ASIN identifier.

And then there is also the “dungeon” where not only is your story flagged or banned, but your account might be yanked as well and you will never be able to publish on Amazon ever again. Yikes, that sounds bad. I’d better avoid that!

So what will earn you this dubious distinction? Among other things, you will likely be filtered if you include the following words or references in your title, blurb or cover:
cheerleader, virgin, babysitter, rape, teen, pseudo-incest, hypnosis, noncon (non-consensual), dubcon (dubious consent), underage, molest, baby, infant, newborn, child, son, brother, sister, daughter, father, mother, step-family members—okay, basically any word referring to family, extended or otherwise. Also: gang, lactation, anal, backdoor, breeding, impregnation, lactation, profanity in general, deflowering, pussy, cunt, cum, semen, menstruation, slave, guns or weapons, pedo-anything, fuck, jizz, anything animal-related (such as dog, wolf, bull), drugs, alcohol, implication of any kind of influence, cock, clit, dick, tits, breastfeeding, BDSM, taboo, milky, boobs, tentacles (but dinosaurs, unicorns, and aliens may be okay), and, some say… erotic, erotica, and sex.

Of course, you can say anything you want in your keywords. No, you can't. Yes, you can? No? Yes? which is it?

Oh, and make sure you don’t include a warning in your blurb, i.e. This is an erotic story for 18+ adults only! Any kind of warning is a red flag (if you'll forgive the irony).

For your cover, make sure you and your designer know that you may not show:
• A person tied-up, handcuffed, bound, or blindfolded (unless it’s a man, then it might be okay)
• Obvious breast cleavage, side boob, full nudity, upper butt, genital areas, hair “down there”, “hand bras” (i.e. someone’s breasts being covered by hands or strategically placed prop), butt cleavage, bottom of breast, nipples, groin lines
• Any obvious sexual positions or body positioning implying penetration,
• Women on their hands and/or knees in front of a man (even fully clothed), men between women’s thighs, men’s faces on breasts (resting, even fully clothed), intimate touching

Whew! That’s a big list, and it’s not even complete? Wow… Okay, so let’s skim the Bestsellers list in Erotica and see how other authors have managed this.

Please Don’t: 10 Taboo, Rough Short Stories
Taboo Erotica: Sharing Daddy
Fertile Nymphos
Taboo Forced Pregnancy Surprise
Bound on His Knees

WTF?

These are all “Bestsellers”? They have reviews? They’re making money? Huh. Well, clearly Amazon’s adult “filters” are a little lax, I guess. So let’s hit publish on “Knocking Up the Sitter” and wait…

CLUNK! KDP has thrown it in the dungeon and thrown away the key. The cover only shows faces with lustful expressions, so maybe that’s not it? I guess the title is iffy. And I mention the word “son” in the blurb with regards to whom the sitter is taking care of in theory. So, let’s take all that out…

Let’s do a search on Amazon for “knock up sitter” to see what shows up. Probably nothing, since apparently I can’t use it. Dum di dum, search away… okay, here we go:

“EROTICA: TABOO STEP BIG MAN OF THE HOUSE (Erotics Little Brat Romance Sex Stories): Stepdad Little Princess Wants a Rough Homeschool First Time Tales (2 ... Stretched Stretching Lust Book Series 1)”

W? T? F?

Back to the drawing board! I just spent a few days writing this, so I don’t want to throw it out. So we’ll change the cover and resubmit. Nope, not good enough. Change the blurb and resubmit. AGH! Okay, change the title from “Knocking Up the Sitter” to “Seducing Sydney.” And finally, it’s available on Amazon and I can find it in a search. Phew. I guess.

That was harder than I thought. Wait, can I say “harder”?

Back to the research. I sit down to read a bunch of Romance Bestsellers, with explicit sex (and kinky at that). Same with Erotica, Contemporary Women, Women’s Fiction, Short Stories, Kindle Quick Reads, and other categories. Okaaaaay, then.

For my next trick (not that I’m implying that I’m a hooker or being paid for sex, because I’m sure that’s somehow on the list too), I will write a funny novella about a lonely divorced woman who begins an affair with a younger man in order to rebuild her self-esteem and rediscover her sexuality. And there is explicit sexy time.

So now is this Erotica? Women’s Fiction? Romance? Let’s take a look at the categories offered by KDP before we hit publish (you get to choose two, isn’t that great?). Oh, there is no Women’s Fiction. Okay, let’s try these two, because they probably fit best:
Fiction/Contemporary Women
Romance/Erotica

And now since I chose the latter, Amazon ignores the first choice and slots the story into Fiction & Literature/Erotica/Romantic. What? I didn’t choose that! Where is the Romance/Erotica section? Go to Amazon and browse to find… there isn’t one? Then WTF did I choose as my category?

Let’s go ask some Erotica Authors.

You can’t intentionally miscategorize your story to get around the adult filter! You will piss off readers who aren’t expecting to find Erotica in the Romance/Contemporary section!

Uh, so what is the difference between Erotica, Romance, and Women’s Fiction, then?

Answer of sorts:
Erotica: the story cannot exist without the sex.
Romance: the story cannot exist without the relationship.
Women’s Fiction: the story cannot exist without profound internal change.

Um, so what category should I put my divorced woman/younger hunk sexy time story in?

You wrote it! Don’t you know what market you were targeting? Didn’t you research the categories and genres and readership first?

Yes, but I don’t understand this…

Fuck off and let us professionals get back to work. We have virtual underage football players to deflower!

Um, okay. Thanks, sorry for asking. Carry on.

Okay, let’s look at the Bestsellers again. Wait, this book is listed as a Bestseller in Romance, Erotica, and Women’s Fiction? And this one, this one and this one?! Which genre is it REALLY supposed to be, for the love of baby lambs?

Hmph. Let’s see what Fifty Shades of Grey is supposed to be—isn’t that what started this Erotica and kinky romance boom, after all? Search… Ah!

Women’s Fiction/Contemporary?

SOUND OF HEAD EXPLODING

Eventually I will emerge from my Kindle cocoon, where I’ve been nursing books purchased from the Romance/Clean and Wholesome category as I rethink my entire writing career.