Our family is our safe haven. It’s where we go when we’re looking for comfort, support, and love. It’s where we find acceptance when everything else has rejected us. It’s where we express ourselves without being judged. But what happens when this sanctuary turns against you?

The Black Sheep of the Family

Sometimes, the family isn’t the loving sanctuary you expect it to be. Sometimes, it’s unhealthy, abusive, neglectful, or all three. Sometimes, not all members are treated equally. The mother can favor the bright, beautiful older daughter, or the father can favor the more energetic, ready-to-please son over the others. Siblings can turn against their own sibling. This is especially the case when one is known as the black sheep of the family.

The black sheep of the family is one who has been rejected by its members. The rejection may be caused by the black sheep’s own rejection of the family, their rebellious behavior, or more commonly the family’s projection of their insecurities and issues into one member. There is no single cause the black sheep phenomenon; oftentimes, it’s a mix of a variety of reasons.

Rejection of Family Views and Values

A black sheep, more often than not, does not believe in nor practice the family views and values. As a result, a rift between them and their family forms. They become alienated. Such situations can be resolved by some understanding and comprise on both sides. However, when both sides are stubborn and refuse to budge, the alienated member will draw farther away from their family. Or it could be that it’s the family who pushes away the member and further alienates them. Thus, the member is dubbed the black sheep.

A classic example of this is when a member deviates from a family tradition. Imagine a family that is deeply religious. They pray and go to church regularly. The parents strictly enforce the conduct expected of the religious members. One family member rejects the religion the family believes in. They refuse to participate in the family’s religious practices. They deviate from the standards set by the family’s religion. As a result, they incur the disapproval and rejection of their family.

Rebellious Behavior

When a family member repeatedly exhibits deviant behavior, regardless of the consequences, the family can either help or reject them. Ideally, the family accepts the member and helps them get through their problems. However, at times, some families would rather sweep everything under the rug. Their shame of the situation prevents them from helping the member. When the situation grows worse, the member will retreat further away from their family.

Rebellious or deviant behavior may range from manageable to serious defiance. Dressing differently, breaking minor rules, occasionally disagreeing, or something of that level can be considered manageable. But substance addiction, violence, and criminal behavior must be dealt with very seriously.

Scapegoating

An unfortunate but not unlikely cause of becoming a black sheep is scapegoating. This is when a family pinpoints one member to become the excuse for their dysfunction. In other words, they put the blame on all their insecurities and issues on that one member. More than the member’s behavior, it is the family’s behavior that alienates the member. From the beginning, the family assigns the role of the black sheep to the member through their treatment of the member.

Scapegoating can happen consciously or unconsciously. A couple going through a turbulent time can unconsciously displace the blame of the situation to their child. They become overly critical and strict to the child. They constantly scrutinize the child’s actions and are quick to capitalize on any mistake. When the situation escalates, they’ll start to hold the child culpable to every problem that occurs.

Being a black sheep is a terrible burden. Whether brought about by one’s own actions or by the family’s, it is never pleasant, extremely disheartening, and absolutely sad. Family should be the first to love, accept, and support each other.

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