Mali, age 16: I hate driving. It makes my feet hurt.

* 

Me (to Simon): Today, Max gets a bath. Tomorrow, you get a bath.

Simon, age 8, channeling Oprah and making the correct hand gestures: You get a bath! And you get a bath! Everyone’s getting baths!

*

While playing “dinosaur,” Max, age 5 (to Grandad): I’ll punch t-rex in the penis.

Note to self: Buy father-in-law a protective cup.

*

Mee Maw: We can each make one bodypart (out of Play-Doh) and then we’ll put them all together.

Max: I’ll make the chest hair.

*

Max: I don’t like Delaware momma.

Me: Why?

Max: Some of my friends are from there.

*

After watching a clean Lonely Island video, Max: Do you think I’m a charity case? You can’t buy me hot dog man.

*

After losing to his sister playing Wii Sports Resort Dogfight and Slicer…

Me (to Max): Why exactly did I put you in time out?

Max: Because I took the remote and I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!

*

My husband: Max, if you don’t brush your teeth, you will have no screen time tomorrow.

Max: Why you illin’ B?

*

Max: That was Mommy.

My husband: That was not Mommy.

Max: Yes, it was. Mommy just took a galactic fart.