This week I launched my Patreon page. To some this may not be a big deal and quite a straight-forward thing to do, for me this was terrifying and still is. One thing I’ve always struggled with as a writer and spoken-word artist is putting myself out there. I’m uncomfortable with attention. I’ll need to go into this further to fully explain the extent of which I am. ​

When I write a Facebook status, tweet, promote myself on Instagram, I’m plagued with anxiety. My mind flows with negative questions and comments that brings up feelings of rejection and failure - its speciality skill is comparing myself to others. 

During this time I do my best to withstand these negative effects, though there comes a time — usually days — when my emotions crash and it all becomes too much for me. While promoting myself this past week and making an effort to be more personal on social media, I endured a lot of stress. My mind has been racing almost non stop, as if I’ve had too much caffeine. I’ve been holding out for as long as possible while pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone and now has come the crash. 

I’m so aware how important it is having a constant stream of promotion and interaction with your audience on social media. I’m surrounded by other creators who are doing just this and it’s a constant painful reminder that I’m just not able to, which perpetuates the feelings of failure and comparisons with others.

In the last hour or so before writing this, I’ve been working on my Patreon page ‘About me’ section. I wasn’t satisfied that I got myself across clearly enough and it has seemed to calm me a little by just focusing on something. I’ve tried not to think about posting this for everyone to see, but just write what’s on my mind and what I feel I need to write. 

I don’t know where I’m going to go from here. I’ll probably engage in this battle many times and try and try again because this has been the pattern for a while. Perhaps now is the time to just put my energy into being creative - the reason why I decided to write a new blog post (as I watch the French Open tennis and breathe in the lavender steam from my oil diffuser).