My life has been a fucking disaster and I think I might be ready to talk about it.
I am back in Tulsa and I am not happy about it. I don't like Oklahoma. The weather is uncomfortable and, ideologically, I don't really fit in. But, it also has a few advantages. I have some of my best friends here, and they afford a lot of support and comfort. My mother is here, and she does the same. Plus, the school that I was attending is here and it should be pretty easy to go back, which I want to do. I've finally decided that it is what I have to do, both intellectually and spiritually (not, like, religiously, because I am a proud atheist, but in a way that is more for the good of my soul, as if my soul is calling out for something and won't be satisfied until I have at least tried to accomplish what it wants). Yet, still, I would rather be in Seattle--and, for all intents and purposes, I am still keeping my residency in Washington State. I feel like I did everything I absolutely could to remain in Seattle and having to leave broke my heart. But, the truth is, coming back was the best thing. While I still haven't been able to nail down a job--the market here for medical personnel is pretty small--being here to restart my degree is smart, both in terms of already being established at the school here and financially. And, once I am able to transfer schools, I will probably be right back on the west coast. I want to be on the West Coast; I want to live there and work there.
But, right now, I have to focus on getting my life back on track. Which means work. 
I am looking for freelancing jobs and ways to make money writing, mostly just to serve as a supplement to any job I get. Because I am planning on going back to school full-time, I am seriously considering just taking any job. Obviously, if I hear from a hospital, I will take that job. It's the best pay I am going to make short of becoming a well-selling author, which I don't see happening anytime soon. But, the truth is, I just need something, because I am going to have to take out loans anyway. So, I'm looking everywhere. It isn't happening fast, and the fact that I don't have a job is causing a lot of tension in the house. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how much harder I can try. 
I am exhausted all of the time, but I am seeing a psychiatrist again, so hopefully here soon I will start to feel better. 
I lost everything, almost absolutely everything, in the last six months. But, I still have my dog and I still have my laptop, and I have always said those are the only things I need in this world. So, I am going to keep writing, and I am going to keep fighting, and I am going to get back on my feet. Hopefully, I can make it happen. I don't think I have much of a choice about it. I can't imagine what would happen if I couldn't. Nothing good. 
But, maybe, nothing bad, either. And that's really the thing that worries me the most because I can't let myself coast or get too comfortable or fail to overcome. The thing is: I want to be a doctor and I am not just going to stumble into it or fall into a white coat. So, whatever it is that is causing me to fail, I have to find the source and break it down, and that source is somewhere within me. 
I am the problem and I am the only one that can fix the problem.