Well, I was planning on going back to the west coast, but that isn't going to happen. At least, it isn't going to happen anytime soon. Hopefully for medical school; definitely for residency (unless I try for the Boston Combined Residency Program in pediatrics, which I might, but I might also decide to be a surgeon. And, of course, that is what is weighing most on my mind, because, though I am going back to school soon, I am not there yet, and I have nothing else to think about, so I think about my future). It isn't going to happen because I am tired of taking the hard way. I am exhausted of somehow always doing everything hard. I know, I know--life itself is hard, and there truly is no easy way. Obviously, I am not taking any kind of easy way by deciding to become a doctor. But, there is always an easier way, and for some reason, I am always taking the less-than-easy route. And, I am tired. Usually, it is because I want to go to a damn good school and be a well educated as I can possibly be. But, when I started out I didn't go to a shitty school. It was a good school. As good of a school as the one my sister went to for both undergrad and her veterinary degree. And, while I left with less-than-excellent academic standing, they took me back once before so I can imagine they will do the same, especially with a well-written letter of petition. The truth of the matter is: I have messed up a lot academically. I have an okay GPA right now, but I dropped out twice--once from this institution and once from community college, both related to the level of serotonin in my brain. And in order to get into a better school or into a school on the west coast, I will have to add time to my degree and jump through hoop after hoop. I am already going to be jumping through a world of hoops just to become a doctor. Just to get into medical school. I just want something to be fairly straight forward for once. To have only a few steps instead of twenty or thirty. So, I am not going back to the west coast. Not for a while. I am going back to Chicago. I am applying for readmission to the University of Illinois at Chicago for fall of 2018 and I am aiming to finish my degree by 2020. Because I am tired of putting it off, I am tired of adding time, and I am tired of not being a doctor. I have taken the advice of all of the doctors I have talked to, and the thing is, there isn't anything else that will make me happy. I have tried other careers, I have tried lesser careers, I have tried to do things in medicine to satisfy my need to practice medicine without getting the MD, and nothing has worked, I keep coming back to this. I keep coming back to the idea that I need to be a doctor. Or, at least, try to be a doctor. That nothing else will make me happy. That I won't feel satisfied until I have done this. That my stupid heart won't stop singing until it's singing about physiology, pharmacokinetics, cell biology, mattress sutures, and one-handed knots.So, I am jumping in again. And I don't know if I will sink or if I will swim. But, I am going to kick my legs really hard and I am going to swallow some pride and put on some fucking arm floaties. And maybe one of those waist inner tubes. And some damn goggles.


I'm in Durant for three months on a travel job. It's a very, very tiny town that doesn't even have a Starbucks--although, it's technically a college town, so I don't even know how that is possible. The hospital is three ORs. I don't think I have ever worked at a facility with less than 15. It's definitely different.
My company hasn't gotten me into an apartment yet, so I am still staying in the crappy hotel they booked me. I decided to let them take care of housing and forego the untaxed, weekly stipend because I was very broke. Now I am stressed just wondering when we're going to have a place to live that isn't next to a very-frequented railroad and doesn't require that I rely on someone else for clean towels. I had to apply for the apartment, which has me very worried due to my extremely terrible credit. So, we'll see how that goes.
The good news is, I have a job and it's in the OR. That means I am one step closer to finishing my degree. Because I owe money to the schools. I owe money to all of the schools. They won't let me go back until I pay it back. So, I have a job, and I am paying it back. Every day I am a little bit farther down the road. Every day I am a little bit closer.