1) Jarod Kintz: "In the Book of Revelation, God speaks of the pale horse. If Satan hired you to ghostwrite the Book of Sunscreen, would you accept the job?"

If I were a ghost, how would I hold a pencil? I guess that could be my eternal punishment in hell: in life, he shut himself up in a dark room to write, neglecting others, and now in death he composes the story of his vitamin D deficiency while suffering rigormortis. Oh wait, that’s what Canto 35 of Dante’s Inferno is about.

2) Jarod Kintz: "What is the price of love, and would you rather tally it with an abacus or an early 90s calculator watch?"

The price of love is time, and the abacus is the tool of the ages. Love takes a while to tally, so I’m going ahead and mailing your last descendant a bankruptcy note. If I ship it through USPS, it should arrive just as I count the last bead.

3) Jarod Kintz: "I’ve watched you while you sleep, and I’ve noticed you make a face like Aretha Franklin does while she sings. Do you think this is because dreams afford you a level of respect that you don’t normally get in real life?"

When I’m Aretha Franklin, I don’t have to be self-conscious about living in the men’s restroom with a soprano voice.

4) Jarod Kintz: "If God asked you to sacrifice your only son so that your clone might live, would you let the body go to waste, or would you utilize it in a hearty stew?"

Both; I would let my dearly departed marinade in the stew for a long while to give it a nice strong flavor. When my clone is at the point of starvation, he can savor the love that went into that stew.

5) Jarod Kintz: "Your brain could easily fit inside my brain, and there’d still be plenty of room left for Jell-O. So, do you want to spoon?"

Sorry, I’m already on drugs. But if you throw in a knife, I’d be curious what scientists might have to say, especially concerning all that propaganda about drugs.

6) Jarod Kintz: "If you were strikingly handsome, like a bolt of Norse lightning, would you thunder your way into the hearts of women?

I can already do that despite being hideous. I was apprenticed to a blacksmith, but the occupation became obsolete, so I switched to cardiac surgery. Then it turned out I wasn’t hideous at all, I just never bothered to rub off my soot. I always thought it odd that all my patients were heavy smokers. And that all their lungs were on the left side of their chest. And that they all died of cancer during their operation. And that I’ve been in jail this whole time because of racial discrimination.

7) Jarod Kintz: "If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can turn water into wine?"

I think he might be jealous, since his family has been helping to do that on Earth for over half a century now. This country is full of alcoholics, and it’s about to die of thirst.

8) Jarod Kintz: "If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your wetsuit?"

Yes, I don’t believe in making love yellow. Love needs to stay deep red. That’s why I’d spill my blood instead.

9) Jarod Kintz: "If God is the Trinity, does He prefer tricycles or unicycles? Explain."

God loves the smiles of children, but circus performers make both God and children happy when they hop on that big wheel and bring out the devil.

10) Jarod Kintz: "I love how cats are born with beards. Would you like to be able to grow a cat on your face?"

It would be great to only have to shave nine times in your life.

11) Jarod Kintz: "If you found God’s beard floating through the universe, would you try to glue it to your face?"

I would need some gorilla glue for that heavy a beard, but wearing it would put me in an uncomfortable position regarding the great apes.

12) Jarod Kintz: "If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?"

Several military leaders became famous for it while being heavily garbed, so I don’t see why I can’t outstrip their historical status. With my shorts around my ankles, it would be the blunder of a lifetime.

13) Jarod Kintz: "Pick a number between one and ten. Now which number do you think I would have guessed that you guessed?”

This is a trick question. I’m omniscient, so I don’t have to guess that you’re telepathic to know that the answer is 37.
Jarod Kintz