Amazon Prime? You mean Amazon IMPULSE BUY
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Y’all. I have never felt more understood and also judged by any meme.
And I know you do, too.
Actually, I know for certain there are A LOT of kindred spirits out there with the same feels. Case in point:
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Even the Most Interesting Man in the World is not immune, people.
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This actually is not a bad purchase, TBH.
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Preparedness is key, tho. [image error]
#TreatYourself?
This guy has even profited through his YouTube channel for this very real affliction.
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Whether it’s amazon, target, walmart, ebay, etsy, woot—whatever your poison—I AM A VICTIM. I stand by this.
Hear me out.
There are 3 instances:
It’s been a long-ass Monday (maybe Tuesday if you’re Drake), and you look up at the clock to see it’s after 8 p.m. You throw your hands up, grab a nightcap, and chill out in front of Bravo to decompress in front of your favorite Housewives trainwreck situation.
Same scenario, without a nightcap. Maybe you quit the long day a little later, or maybe you’re up with a newborn, and you’re falling asleep—half still apart of this world, but definitely somewhat still awake. Hashtag Danger Zone.
It’s any day of the week. You’re pissed off about something and the only saving grace is impulse and retail mixed together like a napalm and wine smoothie.
Next thing you know, USPS is knocking on your door amazon prime two-ish days later with 4 boxes of staples, a cheesemaking kit, and a peloton bike that will definitely cost you your mortgage this month.
Sometimes the purchases that show up aren’t even the funniest part—it’s what’s hanging out in your online cart. The 52 items you stocked in that online cart will speak volumes about who you are deep down as a person the next morning. Three area rugs, a Jonas Brothers biography, a funko pop of Colonel Sanders, and Hall & Oates Greatest Hits later, you have no defense. What the hell, off-brand NyQuil?! You’re supposed to be my comrade in the neverending quest for decent sleep and relaxation. How could you let this happen, handful of melatonin gummies? I trusted you! All you did was lead me down the path of embarrassing almost-purchases, and maybe a few definitely clicked BUY NOW situations.
Anyway, 2019 has really been…well, it’s been something for me with this online shopping illness, and I just wanted to share with you what surprises have shown up at my doorstep in that smiley little amazon prime box so far this year.
A pair of hot pink lightning bolt earrings straight outta 1986.
A Keith Morrison popsocket. Yes. THAT Keith Morrison from Dateline. Keith steal-ya-girl Morrison more appropriately, apparently.
“Mr. Bean: The Whole Bean” DVD box set
A sequin ascot
A row machine.
Yes. You read that last one right. You can’t say drunk/sleep-deprived me isn’t at least motivated for a healthier lifestyle.
And we’re still just at the beginning of the year, people! Who knows what the next 8 months have in store!
The funniest things that have been hanging out in my cart—just this past month?
A 725 pack of scrub daddys
A burrito blanket
Lots of knives (I’m assuming for cheese boards, but honestly I don’t even know who I am anymore…)
More 80’s earrings in the form of cassette tape replicas
Beard ornaments
Puka shell necklaces (oh, yes I did)
No less than 5 Edgar Allen Poe pun t-shirts
“Adorable Plush Stuffed Goat That Turns Feisty With A Squeeze”
A Tibetan singing bowl set
It’s actually so entertaining/embarrassing, that I think I’ll do a monthly update of secret Santa (courtesy of me) packages, and items in cart I come so deadly close to pulling the trigger on.
What’s the craziest online purchase you’ve made and surprised yourself with?
Happy Week is Almost Over, people!
