Just Thinking
Why am I doing this? This isn’t what I expected.
It holds the list and the schedule. I thought it was my inner voice begging to do what I love doing. But, okay, assessing that list is my ego where all expectations are housed.
As Charlotte Bronte asked, “Is life so constructed that the event does not, cannot, will not match the expectation?”
Where did I get the expectation? Did I create the expectation or was it created by outside forces: father, mother, friend, colleague? A colleague is looking as if they were receiving all of their expectations while I continue to wait for mine to arrive.
Watching someone else’s life, through my ego, gives me the notion then this is the way the world works. I immediately become competitive…the green-eyed monster pokes up its envious head and becomes immediately disappointed in anything I do.
And what’s the pleasure in that? What heartbeats am I wasting?
Okay, if my ego created my expectation as a kind of unspoken pact with the universe, then is the universe to blame, or me? Example, an unspoken pact: I will work to write the best short story possible. Expected hope for an outcome such as immediately sought for publishing, win a prize, or receive accolades.
Is someone/or something to blame? Yes, my hurt ego says. My ego, an inner child in me. Expecting the universe to fulfill my expectation is like a bunny laying eggs because it’s Easter. It’s not Natural.
The only way I can think to change what I expect is to rewrite the expectation. Consider from another perspective. Such as-- I hate rewriting. Of course, I expect it to be a fairly perfect first draft. Maybe instead, I could regard this expectation as an intention — a step to more steps. If I keep putting expectations on myself and can let go of my ego from giving analysis whether the result was good or bad, then my expectations turn into desires aimed toward the desired effect from my efforts.
Perhaps expectation should not be the pat to the ego or an ending gratification; but instead, a window opening to another expectation that will continue the journey. Reflect on it more like a jar of pennies you keep on your dresser… what you might get if you ever had the time to count them all.
It holds the list and the schedule. I thought it was my inner voice begging to do what I love doing. But, okay, assessing that list is my ego where all expectations are housed.
As Charlotte Bronte asked, “Is life so constructed that the event does not, cannot, will not match the expectation?”
Where did I get the expectation? Did I create the expectation or was it created by outside forces: father, mother, friend, colleague? A colleague is looking as if they were receiving all of their expectations while I continue to wait for mine to arrive.
Watching someone else’s life, through my ego, gives me the notion then this is the way the world works. I immediately become competitive…the green-eyed monster pokes up its envious head and becomes immediately disappointed in anything I do.
And what’s the pleasure in that? What heartbeats am I wasting?
Okay, if my ego created my expectation as a kind of unspoken pact with the universe, then is the universe to blame, or me? Example, an unspoken pact: I will work to write the best short story possible. Expected hope for an outcome such as immediately sought for publishing, win a prize, or receive accolades.
Is someone/or something to blame? Yes, my hurt ego says. My ego, an inner child in me. Expecting the universe to fulfill my expectation is like a bunny laying eggs because it’s Easter. It’s not Natural.
The only way I can think to change what I expect is to rewrite the expectation. Consider from another perspective. Such as-- I hate rewriting. Of course, I expect it to be a fairly perfect first draft. Maybe instead, I could regard this expectation as an intention — a step to more steps. If I keep putting expectations on myself and can let go of my ego from giving analysis whether the result was good or bad, then my expectations turn into desires aimed toward the desired effect from my efforts.
Perhaps expectation should not be the pat to the ego or an ending gratification; but instead, a window opening to another expectation that will continue the journey. Reflect on it more like a jar of pennies you keep on your dresser… what you might get if you ever had the time to count them all.
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