I made you a gift, my lovelies! As you may be aware, I’m writing tie-in novels in the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina TV universe, and I love a parody, and so I thought this might be fun for both those wondering ‘OK so what’s this Sabrina all about, prep me’ and those going ‘please sir, may I have some more Chilling Adventures.’ All done in a spirit of love and fun, praise Zelda.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF SATANISM

SABRINA: I am a perky blonde teen girl with magical powers, who lives with my aunts in a Gothical house!

AUDIENCE: Ah yes, a tale as old as time.

SABRINA: Our powers come from Satan.

AUDIENCE: … come again?

SABRINA: We live in a funeral home and only the Dark Lord KNOWS what we are doing with the corpses!

AUDIENCE: Go big or go funeral home!

SABRINA: As the time when I must commit my soul to Satan grows nigh, I’m having doubts.

AUNT HILDA: All I ever want for you is happiness.

AUNT ZELDA: All I ever want for you is to worship the Dark Lord adopt a suitable goblin companion as a familiar, and take me as your style icon and dress like an evil secretary pin-up.

SABRINA: Well, I’ll take these wise words under advisement.

AMBROSE: Dear Sabrina, as your immortally hot cousin who is under permanent house arrest for magic crimes, yes selling your soul to Satan is a big commitment, but have you considered… immortal hotness with magic powers, and being surrounded by other immortal hotties with magic powers.

AMBROSE: Just saying. Might be fun.

SABRINA: And do you think you make all good life choices?

AMBROSE: I plead the Devil’s Fifth: I refuse to answer on the grounds I’m already incriminated.

SABRINA: My mother was mortal so my aunties sent me to mortal school and at my mortal school I acquired my favorite teacher Ms Wardwell…

MS WARDWELL: Don’t get too fond of me.

SABRINA: Ominous. And my best friend Roz…

ROZ: I’m the preacher’s daughter.

SABRINA: So that’s awkward. And Susie…

SUSIE: Am I a tomboy or do I have gender identity issues?

SABRINA: We’ll be exploring that. And of course… my boyfriend, Harvey.

HARVEY (shyly): I love you Sabrina.

SABRINA: omg. Do you? I love you also!

HARVEY (quietly): yay

SABRINA: Time to have a magic dance party of being IN LOVE! Surely nothing nightmarish will shortly occur.

MS WARDWELL: instantly slain and body hijacked by a villainous demon lady, acquires fantastic blow-out.

AUDIENCE: Look I don’t want to have a demon kill me and steal my face but if she gave me a really bomb makeover that would win her back some points.

MS WARDWELL: From now on I am but a face for Lilith, the Mother of Demons.

LILITH: And what a face! Let me just accentuate these cheekbones with evil mood lighting.

GOBLIN SHADOW IN SABRINA’S ROOM: I watched you in the shadowy woods and am now lurking in a corner of your bedroom.

SABRINA: This seems pretty alarming!

GOBLIN SHADOW: *turns into a cat*

SABRINA: … I meant to say pretty adorable!

AUDIENCE WHO WATCHED THE SHOW ‘SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH’: Salem! Salem! SALEM! Hail Salem! Salem our lord and savior! Salem king!

AUDIENCE WHO DIDN’T: Aw, eldritch kitty.

WEIRD SISTERS: We are Prudence, Agatha and Dorcas, not biologically related, but orphaned witch girls with an eerie bond.

WEIRD SISTERS: We will be the mean girls of this enterprise.

WEIRD SISTERS: But we will not be cheerleaders.

WEIRD SISTERS: Though we are spiritually cheerleaders for Satan.

WEIRD SISTERS: Our style aesthetic is ‘if the Puritans went Goth and invented the miniskirt.’

SABRINA: We’re frenemies, I guess you’d say!

PRUDENCE: I think I’d use a shorter word. Think you’ll enjoy attending the Academy of Unseen Arts with us?

SABRINA: … maybe not.

SABRINA: So I’m a witch and I might have to leave you and attend witch school—

HARVEY: I’m deeply insecure and I just heard the words ‘leave you’ attached to a very far-fetched story and I’m freaking out–

SABRINA: Is now the time to calmly explain further?

SABRINA: NO! For I am also insecure about our relationship! I mean, I make all good decisions. Now is the time to wash these memories from your brain with a chant and a make-out.

HARVEY: Kissing is magic?

SABRINA: That’s how memory charms work. I don’t make the rules.

SABRINA: … But I think I should.

SABRINA: This is really a very difficult decision.

SABRINA: Personal autonomy…

SABRINA: True love…

SABRINA: High school party vs dark ritual in woods…

AMBROSE: IMMORTAL HOTTIES!

HARVEY, A Sweet Boyfriend: oh hi Sabrina’s wicked cousin, wanna come to a high school party?

AMBROSE, Too Cool for High School Parties & Under Occult House Arrest: I’d be banished to the nether realms.

HARVEY: Um…is that, like, a sex thing?

SABRINA: I ran from my high school party to my satanic ritual! Time management is key.

COVEN: Please sign your soul away in an orderly fashion.

SABRINA: My name is Sabrina Spellman and I WILL NOT SIGN IT AWAY!

SABRINA: Sorry aunties, I just came to the dark ritual to make a dramatic statement.

HILDA: …

ZELDA: !!!

SABRINA: Running for the hills and personal autonomy! Running fast!

ENTIRE COVEN: in pursuit

SABRINA: … running faster…

SABRINA: Run like the devil is after you, Sabrina Spellman, because he is. And he brought friends.

AMBROSE: Thou shalt not pass, coven!

AMBROSE: Look I think you should go the immortal hotties, route, Sabrina, but I would lay down my life to defend you.

AUDIENCE: D’awwww, wicked cousin Ambrose.

ZELDA: I’ve brought the leader of our coven to talk sense into you, Sabrina.

FATHER BLACKWOOD: Satanism is cool, kids.

AUDIENCE: I get a weird vibe from this priest of Satan with the fancy cloak and matching eyeliner. Dunno what it is but not sure if I fully trust him? Maybe it’s the fangs.

MORTAL SCHOOL: Whoa check out Ms Wardwell’s makeover! Maybe she’s born with it…

LILITH: Maybe it’s Satan.

ROZ: Can you believe that this book has been banned from our school library? Censorship is the worst and also, unrelated but it’s the principle of the thing, I’m going blind!

HARVEY: I’m outraged, this book is a timeless classic!

SUSIE: Let’s use the power of our newly established four-person feminist organization to protest this!

SABRINA: When that fails, I’m going to use the power of witchcraft to fill the principal’s house with spiders!

ROZ, HARVEY AND SUSIE: … That was weird the way that happened.

LILITH: What if I sent an animated scarecrow after Sabrina?

SALEM: What if I tore it apart?

AUDIENCE: Salem! Salem king! Speak to us Salem!

HARVEY: Oh Sabrina u got a new kitty. Hi kitty.

SALEM: meow

AUDIENCE: I know Salem is sassing him. I FEEL it.

MORTAL BOYS: bother Susie

SUSIE: I will FITE them!

SABRINA: … with dark enchantments!

AUDIENCE: We feel it is established Sabrina really wishes to be helpful and that is an admirable personality trait which may soon decimate lives!

SABRINA: Pls aid me in my quest for vengeance against mortal men.

WEIRD SISTERS: We know what the boys like… high lace collars, lipstick dark as our souls, and blackmail.

BOYS: We don’t, in fact, like that last one.

WEIRD SISTERS: Huh. Don’t care.

SABRINA: I feel I have learned a valuable lesson. Magic can solve all my problems!

BOYS: We also feel we have learned a valuable lesson. Don’t follow people down mine shafts, no matter how sexy those people might be.

AMBROSE: A dead warlock has arrived at the funeral home and I have adopted his lizard. Diagnosis, maybe killed by witch-hunters?

AMBROSE: Witch-hunters are a real and pressing concern.

AMBROSE: But will that soon be plot-relevant? Who knows! Off to pet new lizard friend.

HARVEY: I would like to get a job in a bookshop!

HIS FATHER, MR ‘THE LIVING WORST’ KINKLE: Quick question, why are you garbage?

HARVEY (quietly): don’t know

MR KINKLE: No son of MINE will be working in a store peddling the devil’s written word! Sons of MINE will put the mine in ‘MINE.’

HARVEY: That’s literally the same word.

MR KINKLE: Less backchat, more being tough strong gruff and hard-drinking!

MR KINKLE: No sensitive artist types in this home.

MR KINKLE: I’m just going to keep roughing you up and moulding you into a different shape until your heart dies, k?

HARVEY: