He’s battered and frayed, he’s lost
an eye and some of his stuffing is beginning to leak out.

I’ve put him on the shelf by the TV,
where I can always see him when I sit here. His one button eye, squinting at
me.

John said he was the first toy he
ever had when he was a baby. But I can’t believe that. I mean, he’s got button
eyes that are wired in. You don’t give that to a baby. It’s not safe.

It doesn’t matter. John gave him to
me, that first Christmas when we moved in here, five years ago. “A bear for a
bear,” he said. His most treasured possession, and he gave him to me. John said
his sister had called him Archibald Bear, so that’s always been his name.

Marion, John’s sister, is the only
one from his family who’s ever kept in touch. She came to visit us soon after
we moved to LA. John’s mom and dad never did. They didn’t want to meet me. He
used to go visit them once a year, alone, usually just before Thanksgiving.
They live up in Oregon.

Marion was here, the night John was
shot. There was a knock at the door. I was in the bathroom and John was out, so
Marion answered it.

I heard men’s voices. Then I heard her
kind of moan, like an almost animal cry. When I came into the living room, there
were two cops there. They’d just told her about the shooting. Marion was all
hunched up on the couch, just hugging herself and rocking.

When we got to the hospital, the
medics said they were doing everything they could. But he died. John died at
8:23pm on Thursday the 10th June.

The hospital said it wasn’t possible
for me to see his body, as I wasn’t related. I said I’d been his boyfriend for
nearly six years. But they said that didn’t count. They needed the permission
of his parents.

His mom and dad arrived the next day.
Marion went to meet them at LA X, and they took a cab straight to the hospital.
They didn’t let me see his body.

Marion rang me to say his mom was
coming to the apartment to collect all John’s things and take them back home. I
said we shared everything. We were practically married for chrissake.

John’s mom didn’t fight about it. She
said she just wanted some pictures, a few of his clothes and John’s old
baseball stuff, from college days. I hid Archibald, so I got to keep him.

They wouldn’t let me go to the
funeral. Jeez, they wouldn’t even tell me when it was. Marion called to say it
was happening, but she said it was probably best I didn’t go. John’s dad was
looking to cut up real rough and was talking about getting a court order to
exclude me. John used to tell me his dad is devout Presbyterian and uses words
like abomination and crap like that.

Marion had a big row with them about
the funeral. She’s moved out to Seattle now and won’t talk to any of her
family. When you think about it, she’s not only lost her kid brother, but the
whole lot of them. She’s coming down to stay in a few weeks. I think I’ll give
her Archibald.