Journey From Faheemah To Mi'ran

The great Haruki Murakami once said, "Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever".

The decision to change my name was not sudden. It was something I dreamt about since I was a little girl. It was something I always wanted to do but never knew I could or even if I was allowed or if my parents would allow me. I remember imagining having a different name, a stronger name, a more sound name. I wanted a name that could express the warrior in me, a name that would embody the fighter in me. A name that would allow me to express myself in this world without any effort. But somehow I always believed that I was wrong. That it was against the "rules", and so I remained "Faheemah, the dreamer".

There is nothing wrong with the name Faheemah. In fact it is a very beautiful name. I was raised to be proud of my name. To make sure it was always spelled correctly and corrected those who didn't. I was proud being called Faheemah, because it was my mothers gift to me and because it had a great meaning behind it. "To perceive" "Understand" "Smart" "Intelligent"

I always felt like I embodied the name Faheemah perfectly well. I wasn't afraid to learn, to venture, to keep a broad open mind. In fact it was the name Faheemah which carried me through life and it was Faheemah who brought me to this moment in time. And it was Faheemah who asked for a transformation.
All through the pain and fears and sorrow and grief, it was Faheemah who understood that she needed to have faith, to hold on. But at the same time Faheemah was drowning. You see, Faheemah wasn't raised to be a warrior. Faheemah was raised to live in fear, to be afraid, to not speak about what she is feeling, to not speak about what goes on behind closed doors. Faheemah was raised voiceless, without conviction, without any place to go to for comfort.
Faheemah stopped being Faheemah a long time ago. She broke down, lost faith, lost hope. And so she became an epitome of grief, trauma, fear, sorrow, and pain. She became the epitome of the tongues who carved her and of the hands that gave her pain. Even when happiness stood before her she continued to be sad. Faheemah was not happy. She viewed the world as if it was a fantasy, something she could only dream about, as something she couldn't touch. She would be envious of those who ventured beyond their limits and became something more. Faheemah wanted to live but she didn't know how. Faheemah needed help.

I spent a long time trying to bring Faheemah back. I spent a long time trying to heal the damaged parts in her. And I found that there were parts in her that were beyond repair and thus it needed to be replace. For a long time I would look in the mirror and I would feel like that the person staring back isn't me. There was no passion, no hope, no enthusiam, nothing but only anger.
Faheemah needed to be saved and I felt like if I didn't make a drastic change as soon as possible then Faheemah would be lost forever. She would have lost herself in an abyss unknown and would have been lost forever.

I needed to see the world with new eyes, with a new sense of passion and enthusiam, and new identity. I needed to change the way I viewed myself. Even though as Faheemah I had something in me that wanted to live and express myself, the world unfortunately didn't see me that way. Faheemah became a prisoner to those she gave her power to. And each time she tried to changed they harshly reminded her of who she was. She needed a new identity, one the world couldn't control. She needed courage and most importantly a voice.

Mi'ran was not a name that I considered at first. But while exploring different names she kept creeping in as if she wanted me to notice her. I did not choose Mi'ran but in fact it was Mi'ran who chose me. Upon considering the name Mi'ran I needed to know who she was or who is it that she was going to be. While researching the name I have come to find that Mi'ran is a very large vessel. Large enough to carry the world in her and not falter and that Mi'ran was going to play a very big role in the future of Faheemah.
Mi'ran is a gender neutral name, dual, universal, or so I have found from her different meanings. Of course I needed an Islamic name as I am muslim. And I have come to find that Mi'ran exists not only in Islam but in other cultures as well. And that is what makes it so universal, so extraordinary.

In kurdish and arabic Mi'ran means princely, a name well suited for a boy. And in persian it means, leader, ruler, king. In slavic also a masculine name, it means "peace" "world". And in Hebrew a gender neutral name also meaning peace. In pashto, masculine as well meaning "sun-like". In english, which is a derivative of Miranda which means "one who is worthy to be admired". In Chinese, a beautiful feminine name which means "beautiful orchid. And in Japanese with different masculine and feminine meanings, "future" "sound" "calm waters" "ocean" "storm".

Peace was not a word known to Faheemah. And at least now with Mi'ran conflict cannot reside in her heart. With a new name comes a new change and new battles to fight to bring about that change, and hopely with renewed strenght Mi'ran can finally have the confidence she needs going forward.