How long will I have to endure listening to unrequested parenting advice and criticism? It’s been 10+ glorious years of these fun thought grenades lobbed at us like slow-moving explosives of self-righteousness.

When my son was just 18 months old, someone close to us told us that he had some “discipline problem.” This, after only 40 minutes of observation. The information was delivered first to my wife (who almost lost it), after which I called Captain Commentary to see if I could clear up the misunderstanding. The critic launched into a solid hour of armchair quarterbacking. I paraphrase:

Your son, maliciously and premeditatedly, hurled a sippy cup at your wife’s head. On purpose. Following that, he went over to a younger cousin and hit him. Twice. On purpose. He is undisciplined and the sole cause of stress in your life.

You can imagine how shocked I was to hear that my giggling, laugh-riot of a son was already on the road to petty larceny and war crimes. The resident expert toddlerologist who shared their opinion is an adult with grown kids of their own. Their observations were unsolicited and entirely out of the blue. My son’s maladjustment was just that severe, I guess. His cuteness blinded me. They went on to take issue that Finn wasn’t subsequently disciplined after the “incident.” We dared even PLAY WITH HIM instead — the f**king horror. You’re right. I probably should have waterboarded him and set some of his toys on fire. I fought every urge in my body to launch my cell phone beyond the stratosphere and hit the satellite linking our phone call.

It’s easy to get defensive when people make observations about your kids. A ‘who the f**k are you to judge my kid’ rage can erupt. I made a determined effort to keep my ear canals open so that I could look at the statements honestly. I listened. I was diplomatic!

I’ll be the first to admit I’m a stubborn person. Blame it on my astrological sign, my Hogwarts house, my Enneagram, my upbringing, or my inhumane good looks. But that doesn’t make me immune to criticism. I don’t think I’m a perfect parent. Hell, I’ll be the first to say I’m not that great at it. I feel like I’m failing half the time and the other half, well, I’m too tired even to assess my own performance.

But let’s have a frank talk about parenting advice, shall we?

When you have a baby, you expect the doting commentary about their looks and unceasing requests to hold them. There’s also the occasional “Ohhh! I’m just going to steal your child!” As time passes, relatives and close friends start laying on the advice pretty thick. Some of it can be helpful, but the majority is utterly unenlightening or borders on condescension. The suggestions can also turn into harsh moral judgments on you in a blink. The saddest part is that they were all probably borne out of some helpful intention. But there’s a particularly poisonous venom when these suck-gestions come from someone familiar or close to you. Honestly, there should be a statute of limitations on prejudging other parents, or maybe a full-scale embargo on undesired counsel.

Growing up, as undisciplined rapscallions, my brother and I were told not to say “shut up” to each other. So, we innovated. We created a new phrase: “SHUT MOUTH!!” It was our way of being witty and rude when we couldn’t say what we wanted to tell each other.

This is where I’m at now. My son is amazing by my standards, and you should hope that people don’t scrutinize you, in this life, as hard as you’ve scrutinized my near-two-year-old son.

SHUT MOUTH.

++++

Read more: