This blog post contains content about pregnancy loss, including the pain and stigma surrounding miscarriages and resources. I'm grateful to the families who shared their stories with me and reviewed both my post and Isabella's story in my first published book.

Today's post contains no promotional content out of respect for the topic and those who have experienced this painful loss.

"Had it really been thirty-three years since she’d come back from the hospital? The memory of her getting out of the car, dark circles under her eyes and lines of sorrow etched into the skin around her mouth, and turning away from him as he ran to her with arms outstretched was forever burned in his mind. "

Writing Isabella

Isabella is the mother of the hero of my first published book. When I first wrote her, she was distant, aloof, painted as a disinterested mother who had suddenly decided to try and get back into her son's life. As I wrote the above passage, though, Isabella

quickly changed into someone from my past; the first woman I ever learned had suffered a miscarriage.

Isabella was no longer the vapid, self-centered woman I had initially drafted. She was a woman who had experienced unimaginable loss in a time when talking about miscarriages was extremely taboo, making what was already a horrific time even more isolating and heartbreaking. Gradually Isabella reveals that she had almost no support and, with today's knowledge and awareness, would have been diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). This evolution of her character and slowly sharing her traumatic past with Adrian and his love interest, Everleigh, sparks a reconciliation and a path to healing.

I based Isabella's background on the woman I remembered from my childhood; a woman who went into the hospital in the 1960's expecting to give birth to a baby girl and left empty-handed. A woman who got out of the car without the little sister her children were expecting. A woman who lived in a time when "such things" weren't talked about and suffered alone. By the time I learned of her story, she had passed on. I spoke with this woman's daughter, who would experience her own loss in between two children of her own nearly twenty-five years after her mother. I wrote Isabella in honor of her.

Miscarriage Statistics in the United States

One in four.

One in four women will experience a miscarriage in the United States.

The Mayo Clinic maintains that between 10% and 20% of pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, defined as the "spontaneous loss of a pregnancy" before 20 weeks. However, with the majority of miscarriages occurring before six weeks, and less than 1% occurring after the 13th week, this rate is likely higher due to pregnancies that went undetected.

While the numbers might sound frightening, the Mayo Clinic points out two takeaways:

Miscarriage is not uncommon. For those who have suffered a loss or are still suffering from a past miscarriage, there are individuals, communities and medical professionals ready to help and support all aspects, from physical to mental and emotional needs (see below for Resources for Families Who Have Experienced Loss). The majority of families who experience a miscarriage go on to have successful pregnancies. Resources, and research, are growing day by day (see below for Hope).

The Mayo Clinic also shares this advice, an important takeaway for those who might feel emotions like guilt:

"Miscarriage is a somewhat loaded term — possibly suggesting that something was amiss in the carrying of the pregnancy. This is rarely true..."

You can learn more about miscarriages on the Mayo Clinic's website at https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298.

Hope

Every day, more and more strides are being made in research into fertility, pregnancy and postpartum support. Previously undiagnosed conditions like polycystic-ovarian syndrome (PCOS), a condition affecting fertility and miscarriages, are getting more attention and more support.

But it's not just words of encouragement, stories of families and medical research that provide hope. The numbers do, too. Healthline and the American Pregnancy Association share the following hopeful statistics:

"...the overall risk of experiencing a miscarriage — 20 percent — does not increase if you have had one loss." --Healthline

"...at least 85% of women who have had one loss will go on to have a successful pregnancy the next time, as will 75% of those who have experienced two or three losses." --American Pregnancy Association

I was diagnosed with PCOS six years ago. It's estimated that 10% of women in the United States have PCOS, which depending on the severity can triple the risk of miscarriage (U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services). While I have not experienced a miscarriage, I know the initial diagnosis (and my subsequent trip down the rabbit hole of internet research) was terrifying. But talking with other women and, most importantly, my doctor, led me to three conclusions regarding my condition that were echoed by the people I talked to who experienced miscarriages:

You are not alone. For the families I spoke with who have suffered a loss in the last five years, they spoke of not only the power of having more transparency surrounding miscarriages, but the positive presence of online support groups. There are treatment available. There are so many options today, whether it's addressing a condition like PCOS, a medical abnormality or something else. For two families, it was a matter of time and trying again. For another, it was a lifestyle change. Another couple underwent genetic testing and medication. And yet another had a successful pregnancy through intrauterine insemination (IUI). "I was so exhausted," shared one mother, "but at the same time, having options, being told there was a Plan B, C, D, etc., helped me hang on." Hope is on your side. Of the families I spoke with for my research, all but one went on to have successful pregnancies and children of their own. The one who did not paused their family journey. Their doctor is very optimistic that, when they resume, they will be successful. It doesn't make the loss any easier. But on the dark days, that little bit of hope can be what someone needs to get through to the next. Resources for Families Who Have Experienced Loss Advice & Support: Asher Fogle with Good Housekeeping wrote this 2015 article about her miscarriage and the subsequent support and advice she received that carried her through one of the hardest times of her life: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/inspirational-stories/a33933/advice-and-support-after-miscarriage/ . Bereavement Doula Listings: This Facebook groups connects parents with doulas trained in providing physical, mental and emotional support following the loss of a pregnancy: https://www.facebook.com/groups/bereavementdoulalistings. Daily Strength: An online community for those who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/miscarriage. E-Counseling: A list of verified online counseling services, which can provide flexibility, affordability and an easier time seeking treatment from a familiar environment: https://www.e-counseling.com/online-therapy/. First Candle: A peer-to-peer support organization with multiple groups for miscarriage, stillbirth and sudden infant death: https://firstcandle.org/online-support-groups/ . Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support: Private Facebook group for shared grieving and miscarriage support with no discussions about TTC: https://www.facebook.com/groups/427172118636668/. Miscarriage Support: Private Facebook group focused on miscarriage support with no discussions about current pregnancy or TTC: https://www.facebook.com/groups/127347384397960/. MISShare (Miscarriage, Infant Loss and Stillborn Share): A parent-led support network meeting since 1981 and currently hosting online meetings every Thursday: http://misshare.org/. Molly Bears: An organization that creates weighted teddy bears to provide comfort to families suffering a pregnancy or infant loss: https://www.mollybears.org/. Rachel's Gift, Inc.: An organization offering in-hospital support for many families across the nation, as well as online support groups, resources for multiple states, recommended readings and more: https://www.rachelsgift.org/. TTC (Trying to Conceive) After Miscarriage & Loss: Private Facebook group providing support for mothers trying to conceive after miscarriage: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1011368485580746. Resources to Support Loved Ones

Dr. Katie Huie Harrison of "Undefining Motherhood" shares nine ways you can support a loved one who has experienced the pain of miscarriage: https://undefiningmotherhood.com/how-to-help-during-miscarriage/. One mother I shared this with loved it for a simple reason:

"I was an introvert mom when it came to my loss. That made it hard for my more outgoing extroverted family members to support versus overwhelm me. I love that Dr. Harrison shared ideas for all kinds of personalities."

Taylor with Alamo City Moms, a locally-focused parenting resource group in Alamo City, Texas, also shares "10 Do's and Don'ts": https://alamocitymoms.com/pregnancy/infertility-miscarriage/10-dos-donts-for-supporting-someone-through-a-miscarriage/.

"If someone you love has miscarried, don’t take it personally if she needs to devote her time and energies to herself and her healing. I assure you, she is doing her best to get 'back to good.' And no matter how distant she may seem, know that her feelings toward you haven’t changed; her efforts are just otherwise occupied."

Rachel's Gift

I mentioned Rachel's Gift in my Resources for Families section, and wanted to close out today's post with a spotlight on this incredible organization. Rachel's Gift will receive a 10% donation from the first royalty check of my new book. A donation statement will be available for viewing on my website under the "About Emmy" section later this summer.

"Rachel's Gift, Inc. collaborates with hospitals to provide specialized bereavement care for parents who lose a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.

Since 2008, we have collaborated with hospitals to provide specialized care for parents who lose a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. At the time of crisis, our bereavement care and services help to lessen trauma and long-term regrets and reduce psychological damage.We provide educational training to caregivers along with keepsakes and follow up support to families, ​all of which is funded by generous donations from the communities we serve.No parent should suffer the loss of a baby alone. We are devoted to validating each child's life. Our purpose is to lend guidance on the path to healing."

One of the things I love about Rachel's Gift is the list of resources they provide for states around the country, as well as resources for pre-delivery, post-delivery and financial assistance resources for burial costs, medical expenses and other unexpected bills: https://www.rachelsgift.org/grief-resources.html.

To those who shared their stories of grief, loss and hope with me, thank you. I'd like to leave you with these words from a Rachel's Gift mother:

"While in the hospital, we were introduced to Rachel's Gift and the resources they offered to grieving families. If it wasn't for these amazing people, we would have not only returned home with empty arms and an empty crib, but we would not have all the precious keepsakes they provided in his honor. In a moment we lost everything. Having items dedicated to him brought us so much comfort as we navigated through our grief. Because of this organization, no one has to walk this journey alone."

www.rachelsgift.org