Hello dear readers! I know I said I’d update this column weekly and it’s already been a month but bear with me. I am traveling, detoxing and taking a much-needed mental break from everything! If you haven’t done that yet, I recommend you do it! It’s important to just unwind from everything familiar and comfortable every now and then because sometimes you don’t realize that your daily routine can actually drain you if you don’t take a break from it.

Anyway, since I’m back here in DC (my second home) I couldn’t help but go through my old diaries and journals. I’ve had some very dark and lonely nights here and my journal was always my best friend and I couldn’t help but read the pain, the agony, the desperation in those lines. Albeit, this was written at probably the lowest point in my life but still, I felt sorry that for myself that for a big chunk of my life, I felt this way. That I actually wrote these destructive words about myself and my life. It broke my heart back then and it still breaks my heart that I didn’t know any better and I didn’t really ask for help at that time because I thought that asking for help meant weakness or an act of failure.

It makes me happy that I am not that girl anymore and that everything I was afraid of, I conquered but it also breaks my heart that for once I felt that way about myself and I was so desperately seeking validation from others and this reminded me that we have all way felt this way about ourselves before. Whether it was because we got fired, or we got cheated on, or we were told we weren’t good enough for something we worked hard for. Whether it was because we never felt wanted or accepted or understood. We looked for validation from the most toxic and manipulative people, we allowed another person to make us feel worthless, we tormented ourselves to overachieve just so we can fit in or more accepted. We did it all for the wrong reasons.

These were written in 2013…eight years later and I have all the answers to all these despairing questions and I will answer them, not for me, but for anyone who is struggling with similar questions or going through a sorrowful time in their lives.

Why am I bound to misery and pain?

You’re not. It’s just a bad phase in your life where you’re trying to figure out what you love and what you want and nine times out of ten you will know that by things not working out for you and by knowing what you don’t want first. You will learn a lot of things the hard way, trial and error and a lot of mistakes. You will mess up and your life will crumble but it’s not the end. It’s all temporary. It’s not misery and pain. It’s part of growing up. You will be happy. Life will do a 180 and it will be full of blessings, milestones and fulfilled wishes. It will make up for those miserable nights. Mark my words.

Why can’t I have it easy just for once?

Because those non-easy times will make you a stronger person. It will toughen you up. It will teach you how to be your own person, depend on yourself and be for yourself what you were always asking others to be for you. Also, this is how you will become more profound, more resilient, more compassionate and maybe one day you will use all this pain and turn it into art. And the wisdom you will gain from these experiences will be priceless!

Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ and lead a normal life with normal parents, ups and downs, it just can’t be down all the time, all pain all the time, all tears all the time, all scars and bruises that don’t go away? Why can’t I just be an ordinary girl with an ordinary life and ordinary problems?

Because God has a better plan for you. Maybe you didn’t have a ‘normal’ childhood or a ‘normal’ life because he has picked you to use your experiences to change people’s lives for the better or help others or be a voice for those who are struggling but don’t have the courage to share their stories. Let me tell you that most of the artists you love and most of the therapists out there, have had a troubled childhood and some kind of trauma that made them channel that kind of pain into something useful. I don’t know the purpose behind your pain, but I know God has one for you and maybe one that will change your life and the world!

Why can’t I find someone who can love and tolerate me and be there for me?

Because you were looking for someone to fill a void that only you could fill. You were looking for someone to rescue you or save you instead of doing that for yourself. You didn’t want someone to love you, you wanted someone to make you feel better about your self-loathe because you couldn’t do that on your own. You weren’t aware of how important it is to love yourself first and work on your self-esteem and your inner self and the rest will follow. You wanted a quick fix and that never lasts. And let me tell you, you will be loved, tolerated, seen and heard and sometimes you will still choose to walk away from that kind of love because it’s not what you want and you will realize that you deserve a lot more than what you are given.

Why am I so scared of myself? I’m scared of going out and approaching people in order not to feel insecure.

Because you’re not confident in who you are, in your abilities, in your talent, in your dreams and your growth. All you can think of is how you’re not good enough, how you’ve failed at this or that or how you got rejected. You’re scared because the voices of others are still in your head, you’re scared because you still see yourself and judge yourself based on what they told you. But let me tell you, one day you will wake up and that fear will change into courage, and these people will become haters you piss off because you no longer care about what they think and you will rise above any negative self-talk these people triggered in you and you will get over their abuse and keep shining instead. And let me tell you, one day these people will be fans of your work, apologizing that they didn’t believe in you and didn’t think you would make it. And one day, these people will be strangers you once knew because you’re no longer allowing that kind of negativity in your circle and you don’t even care about playing nice!

I’m scared of getting a new job because I might hate it, leave it and fail myself again. I’m scared of letting any guy in because he might break my heart again. I’m scared of showing off my beauty because there is no one to appreciate it.

You will get plenty of new jobs that you might hate, forced to leave and find something better. You will keep looking and not settling because one of those days, you are going to land the job of your dreams and it will be worth all the hassle and all the madness. You will also let people in who will be wrong for you and break your heart but trust me, it will only bring you closer to the one. It will teach you how to walk away, move on, be on your own, raise your standards and patch your heart up again. You will learn how to say no, put your foot down and leave with your head held high. You’re also not scared of showing off your beauty, you just don’t feel beautiful because someone told you you’re not pretty or someone made you feel like you’ll never be pretty enough and someone made you compare yourself to someone else but let me tell you that when you finally learn to accept yourself with all your flaws, you will feel beautiful and you will find people who think you’re beautiful and tell you that until you’re sick of it and let me tell you that there are many people out there who appreciate your beauty but they’re just scared of telling you that.

And last not least, this one is my favorite and it’s dedicated to me and my old self:

I’m scared of writing a book because it might not be good enough.

Write that book! Because you will also write another one. And one of them will sell out and people will ask for a restock and both books will touch people’s hearts and they will reach more people than you could’ve ever imagined. You are good enough. Your books are good enough. Believe in yourself because you are capable of doing much more than you think.

I’m sorry for this long post but I had to show you how far I’ve come because you can too. It’s not easy and it won’t happen overnight and it will probably take everything you have to fight that battle but as you can see, seven years later, all my answers have changed, all my fears were just a bunch of crap because I was insecure and my life has changed for the better ever since. Now I’m here and I’m not lonely, I don’t cry before I sleep and these sad questions have been replaced with positive affirmations.

Eight years later and I can say I did it all and I love myself and my life. There will always be ups and downs. There will always be mistakes or failures. There’s always more work to do and things to change but I’m happy with the progress and I can say that with full confidence, that I will never again hit rock bottom the way I did in 2013. I will never again be that person who pities her existence and herself because I know that it’s all part of a bigger plan, it’s all part of my journey and it’s all bringing me closer to another stage of my life full of blessings and rewards. And I will never again allow another person to make me feel like I’m not good enough.

Repeat after me, I am more than enough and I deserve the best in life.