Okay, a confession to begin with: this isn't going to be about books or have a lot to do with books. If I was still writing for a parenting magazine, the title would be How to Parent an Extrovert When You are an Introvert. Our family, including extended family, is pretty much 80% introvert. So it's easy to forget about our extrovert minority, and unfortunately that is what happened, so I did research to help me make up for it (which of course is an introverts usual approach to solving a problem).

Findings about introverts in lock-down and work at home situations varies; I feel authors of articles haven't considered the particular circumstances of the introverts. Because we introverts are very particular about our circumstances and the limits we want to set. And some have the perfect situation because they are sheltering with the few that they love best, which is the case with me. Though I miss random interactions with my sister-in-law and a few people in the neighborhood and my husband's workplace that I'm fond of, I am happy chatting with them occasionally and simply interacting with my husband and kids through the week. The main things that bother me are dirty floors and not being able to finish a book or a video. I'm glad not to being teaching large virtual classes because having to think about what I was saying, observe students' reactions on the screen and remember to check the chat was driving me crazy.

But here I go focusing on my own feelings like introverts tend to. Which isn't selfish, actually, from the introvert point of view it's natural and my tendency is to find people who need others to uplift their moods needy and people who want to be needed full of themselves. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, though. I'm coming to realize that introverts and extroverts have different ways of seeing things. I just had a quiet solitary breakfast with a cup of chocolate and a grilled cheesy ensaimada, and I found it very pleasant but reflected a lot of people would find me "mababaw" for deriving so much pleasure from something simple. But peace and the time to think and plan over good food is energizing for an introvert though boring for an extrovert.

And so if they're with people who understand them and let them be most of the time but are available when they have a deep need to share something, introverts would really be happy in lockdown. Especially if they have a chance to pursue their interests, which are usually artistic pursuits. My introverted daughter has happily done some art and writing and practices music every day. Quiet pursuits and a simple routine are satisfying to introverts because we create our own excitement in our minds, excitement we tend to prefer to the random excitement the world at large throws at us.

This child isn't shy, but she's clearly an introvert. She was always happy playing by herself when she was small, never running out of ideas for something to do by herself. If someone invited her to join in a game, she'd participate, but her favorite free time pursuits in school were actually rambling in a field and climbing trees. And reading and drawing. She likes sharing her ideas with people but isn't as patient listening to others, and doesn't like random small talk.

My youngest is similar. The only people he's felt comfortable talking to are the ones he's known all his life: family and close neighbors. In preschool he latched on to one classmate and never remembered the names of the others; he knows only a few names of classmates in virtual school. He worships his siblings but hates it when they intrude on a Lego or Minecraft world he is building.

My middle child is another matter. He never wanted to play alone as a toddler; he always sought me out. Even if I was busy editing my thesis then, I welcomed having him in the room with me, babbling incoherently about his toys and occasionally handing me a stuffed toy or zooming a car at me, because my father had just died and I needed distraction from my sad thoughts. Whenever I brought him out, he looked for a kid to play with or talk to, he not only joined in but invited others to play in the schoolyard. He loved big parties, unlike the rest of us who found them overwhelming. He likes fast-paced, stimulating games and loud music. I think the most significant indicator that he is an extrovert is that though he loves drumming, he dislikes practicing on his own but enjoys lessons in a group, even if it's an online session!

Yesterday, after a day focused on our own pursuits--my husband and I at work, my daughter in choir, and my sons in separate video games, four out of five of us took turns sharing about thoughts and experiences we'd had through the day. But my middle child was unusually quiet.

Actually, he'd been in a bad mood since school ended for a week-long break. He didn't want to put on his costume for no-contact Halloween rounds though he'd delighted in showing it off to his classmates. I guess with the lack of the usual village party and audience of admiring neighbors, trick-or-treating didn't appeal to him and may have even been a reminder of how much things had changed. Early in the lock-=down, he'd actually been great. I think he enjoyed the freedom of having a much less regimented day. He could snack, watch videos, and play with his siblings between classes. To some extent, the novelty appealed to him--perhaps one reason extroverts actually fared well early in lockdown is having a new challenge to tackle actually appealed to their adventurous nature! My son kept coming up with ideas for new activities. It was he who suggested playing board games and singing loud karaoke while the rest of us would automatically reach for a book or search for a favorite series. And he loved making up new games or reminding us of ones we hadn't played in a while.

As he sat quietly in the car, I realized how much we'd relied on him to inject that bit of spontaneity we needed to keep from getting stuck in a rut. But as introverts get worn out from having to interact with lots of people, maybe he was in a slump as an extrovert whose personal need for novelty, stimulation, and varied social interactions was not being met. Last year, he reveled in being appointed by his teacher to lead ice-breaking activities at the start of homeroom periods. If extroverts' love language is stimulating and entertaining others, maybe he needed acknowledgment of it, and for it to be given to him in return now and then. So I asked him what game he wanted to play.

He lit up and suggested Name That Tune. His little brother started off immediately, but my older son reveled in trying to beat everyone. Then we switched to the license plate sentence game, which is a spontaneously silly game where you make up a sentence using license plate initials. The competitive element is trying to be the funniest, and he reveled in that.

It was amazing to see how much a little occasion for him to become the life of the party uplifted his mood. I think sitting with his grandpa and dad as they caught up at dinner helped too. The only trouble being we couldn't get him to sleep last night (though having a super-sweet chocolate shake at the end of the day may have been the real reason for that).

Being introverted does not mean being selfish: in fact I believe that taking care of my emotional needs keeps me from being a burden to others. But it can lead to selfishness if we forget not everyone has that capability, especially kids. By now, the novelty of pandemic challenges has faded and extroverts may be running out of ideas for new things to try that will satisfy their need for stimulation.

I've come to realize it's harder for introverts to recognize when an extrovert is in a slump. If it's a kid, especially, because we might think, "Finally, he's quieting down like I always ask him to, he's maturing!" If it's a grownup, we might simply not find it strange for them to be quiet yet restless, and suggest books and series we love. I now realize to my regret my family had not taken care of the emotional needs of my extroverted grandmother after she fell out with her mahjong group. Especially since her main outlet became making us lots of desserts and snacks and making us (me mostly, as an only girl) clothes. It was too easy to attribute her subsequent grumpiness to getting old, blame media stereotypes for that. I've since then gotten to know plenty of cheery old people, being around mostly retirees as a rare work-at-home mom in my neighborhood. And when we went to family reunions and weddings, she was much more animated, even on the drive home and I realize now, too late, that my introverted family hadn't recognized or satisfied her emotional needs as an extrovert. I wish now that instead of just asking for another Daphne du Maurier from her shelf I had shared with her what I loved about Rebecca and asked her to share more positive life stories instead of growing silent in shock when she trotted out a series of tragic ones (when I had to interview her about WWII for school, after sharing the scary experiences she did drift to more positive recollections. I see a similar pattern in my son in that he likes to start out a conversation by startling or shocking us, which I guess is typical of extroverts who delight in stimulation and attention).

The unusual nature of the times should lead extroverts and introverts from considering how their particular strengths can help both them and each other. Introverts don't necessarily not need people. I do find I have fewer story ideas when I'm not out in the world; but I used to get as many from news and social media. The trouble is the kinds of things shared to me now tend to be about the same things. Of course pandemic concerns and current events are important, but random science facts that inspired several stories in Virtual Centre and Other Science Fiction Stories and interesting trivia and human stories are what stimulate my imagination. Ultimately, though, I think observing random people every day helped me bring characters to life. An introvert may not engage with you much but they still get something out of being around you, especially if they're creative.

In these times, extroverts keep introverts from being stuck in a rut, but introverts can model how satisfying solitary pursuits and quiet, focused social interactions can be. Meeting each other's needs helps keep both types on an even keel and able to contribute to each other's well-being. So, yes, introverts, check on your extrovert friends: they're not okay now that the novelty of life in a pandemic has worn off. And don't just check up on them, but offer them a chance to chat and show off. And extroverts, make sure your introvert friends really are okay and not just keeping their feelings bottled up so they won't be a bother to anyone.

My husband's a therapist, so you don't have to worry about me. Thanks for asking, though. :)