Over the past eight months, and really the past two years, I’ve been through a difficult situation with several Christians that has pushed me to my limits. The wrongs have been subtle at times, but the accumulated impact has hurt me and plenty of others.

At this point, I won’t share the details of my experience at this time, but I need to mention it because it shut down any plans I had for writing in 2023. When an author, who is also a long-time blogger, feels unable to write, that’s worth explaining.

I’ve invested a lot of time into developing a daily contemplative prayer practice, as well as other spiritual practices like the Examen or centering prayer. While going through the worst of this situation, it has been my daily prayer practice that has, in part, sustained me. 

When a situation is so difficult that it’s hard to find words, it’s extremely comforting to have a daily practice that doesn’t rely on words. The Examen offers an opportunity to draw my attention elsewhere, while centering prayer is a silent practice of openness to God.

These practices offer stability when everything else starts crumbling down as fellow Christians dramatically let us down. I know I’m not alone here.

I’ve read about plenty of deconversions and deconstruction over scandals involving negligent clergy, congregations, denominations, seminaries, charities, and who knows what other groups of Christians. Such experiences can bring a crisis of faith to those harmed by them.

At this point in my life, I’m no longer surprised by Christians behaving badly. Although, it’s deeply distressing to see the pain and wounds caused by these situations, I can hardly blame people for tapping out.

If they’ve been wounded by such experiences, then avoiding Christianity may feel like the safest thing they can do!

The beauty of contemplative practice for me has been the emphasis on the practice itself, the quiet seeking of God in solitude. Yes, some may teach practices and offer guidance in the particulars, but everything is ideally taught with humility and open hands, welcoming diverse experiences and outcomes.

There isn’t too much room, at least that I’ve seen, to insert a personal agenda into a practice that encourages quiet, personal intimacy with God.

Silent contemplative prayer is hardly the reaction we’d expect from folks preaching about the end times or imagined government persecution of Christians in America.

When I see Christians acting contrary to what we believe and practice to the detriment of others, I can return to the centering thought of God’s love for all. I can’t control how others act. I can’t even stop myself from feeling crushing disappointment at times. Yet, I can choose to be still and physically silent even when my racing mind is giving my prayer word or the Jesus Prayer a run for their money.

So much of what I would have considered “Christianity” is quite fragile. Some of the things we come to rely on and associate with our faith can be disrupted by someone’s or a group’s poor choices.

There is a good chance that our institutions, leaders, and congregations will let us down in some way.

The simplicity of Christian prayer, especially silent prayer before a loving God, offers stability that no one can take away from us. There surely are plenty of things to think over, even to deconstruct, but when all depends on the loving presence of God in the midst of silence, our weary minds can find rest even when the foundations appear to be crumbling beneath us, and we run out of words to say.