Photo by Semina Psichogiopoulou on Unsplash1. Define success yourself

“All progress starts by telling the truth.” — Alcoholics Anonymous

Success is the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation comes from seeking a reward, praise, or validation. It withers when there is no external source to provide those things.

Intrinsic motivation is the only path to ridiculous success, because ridiculously successful people literally do things nobody has done before. They also do them without anyone telling them when, where, how, or why to do it.

They just act.

Success has to be defined completely by you. No one else can define success for you.

Success is an “inside” game. Intrinsic motivation means you’re doing what you most believe in, what you most value, what you most want to do.

It takes massive amounts of self-honesty, self-awareness, and commitment to decide what you really want.

You’ll be unstoppable when you do.

2. Ignore outside expectations

“We are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal.” — Robert Brault

The pygmalion effect in psychology states that we rise and fall to the expectations of those around us. Why?

Because typically as people we let outside forces dictate who we are.

It’s true that we end up becoming the product of the five people we spend the most time with, but too often we don’t even choose those five people.

There are many outside forces, voices, and pressure in the world to succumb to the “well-beaten” path. There’s so much pressure to essentially become a chameleon of what everyone else is doing.

To be successful, you have to have the courage to hear your own voice. To maybe even hear the voice of God, and to start to follow that voice.

Do what you most want to do, and what you most believe in.

Do what you literally think is your life’s purpose. Start to define that purpose for yourself.

It takes courage to block out the noises and opinions of other people, even well-intending people, and carve your own path.

When you choose your five people, you’re doing what you most value, what you most believe in, and you’re doing it your way. Sometimes this means having to let go of certain, even close relationships.

You’re also acting despite the fear of failure. People with a fixed mindset are trapped by a fear of failure and a fear of other people’s opinions.

3. Stop needing and start wanting

In our newest book 10x is Easier than 2x, Dan Sullivan makes the distinction between wanting and needing.

If you’re operating out of need, then you’re doing what you think you need, what other people think you need, or what you think you “should” be doing.

When you’re operating from want, you don’t feel the need to justify your goals. Get to the point the point where you’re operating out of want.

What you most want, not what you think you “need,” will be the most deeply resonant with your soul.

4. Transcend freedoms

There are two types of freedom philosophically: freedom from and freedom to.

“Freedom from” is a liberation from external factors:

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These freedoms can be bought for others with sacrifice.

“Freedom to” is something that no one can give you. You can be living in a great environment with great choices available, but you have to be the one to make that choice.

Freedom to go for what you most believe in.

Freedom to do what you most value.

Freedom to do what you most want.

No one can “to” somewhere for you. Freedom to is something you create yourself.

If you have “freedom to,” you can blow past pretty much any obstacle.

When the “why” is strong enough, you will find the “how,” and you will find the “who’s” to make it happen.

When you become committed, the universe will conspire to make it happen.

But you have to choose.

5. Believe in our own agency

Do you really believe in choice? Or do you believe in chance?

At the end of the day, if you want to be successful, you believe in choice.

You believe that you have choices, that those choices matter, and that they have an impact, not only on you, but other people.

You can choose your life.

In psychology, this is an internal locus of control. It’s the opposite of having an external locus of control, where you believe that outside forces determine who you are and what you have. Internal gives you freedom to choose. External makes you a victim.

Do you believe you can choose your life?

This belief is a necessary pre-requisite to any major accomplishment.

6. Plant “thinking trees” more often

“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” — Napoleon Hill

If you go deep into the study of success, a lot of it comes down to your mind.

Your mind is a garden, and you’re always planting seeds. Whatever seeds you plant are going to grow into the fruit of your life.

To be successful, think about your own thinking. Design and improve upon your thinking and learning processes.

In psychology, this is called selective attention. What you focus on expands.

Albert Einstein said that “imagination is more important than knowledge.” Learn how to think about the things that you want to create more of. Elevated thinking produces elevates results.

7. Create mentally before spiritually

“Mental creation precedes physical creation.” — Stephen R. Covey

Emotional development travels from seeing to feeling to knowing.

Seeing is imagination. Seeing is thinking about the life you want, and not limiting what’s possible. Then, develop the knowledge within yourself that you can create new thoughts.

When you realize you have this power, you’ll go to feeling and knowing.

If you want to build a house, start with the blueprint, and create that. Then, feel what it would be like to build it. Knowing comes when you’re so confident in the blueprint that the house is guaranteed to work.

If you want to write a book, create it in your mind first. After you create the outline, you start to see things in your mind and then you create them in living reality.

Thoughts do become things.

What you think about is what you’re going to become.

8. Courage is the catalyst

“We see the world, not as it is, but as we are…or, as we are conditioned to see it.” — Stephen R. Covey

You don’t see the outside world, you only see your own reaction to it.

Dr. David Hawkins did an enormous amount of research in the realm of emotional intelligence. He created “the map of consciousness,” which shows where you are in your emotional development.

This map goes from 20 (shame), all the way up to 1,000 (enlightenment).

Anything below 200 on this map is a negative emotion, or what Dr. Hawkins would call a “force” emotion. When you’re operating from force, you’re trying to force things rather than knowing they’re already coming to you. You’re continually generating more negative results.

The transition between positive and negative energy, Hawkins argues, is courage. Courage is the starting point of all transformation. Courage is the difference between operating out of fear and avoidance of what you don’t want, to the proactive attainment of that which you do want.

From studying hundreds of thousands of people, Hawkins found that 80% of the population operate between fear and anger (120–150). He also found that typically, the average person only goes up by five points on this scale throughout their entire life.

That means most people, throughout their entire lives, are driven by anger, fear, or even lower things like shame and grief. They’re not spending a lot of time being courageous. They’re not going to the higher levels of acceptance, peace, love, and enlightenment.

How incredibly sad.

The reason for this is that most people don’t learn from their experiences. Most people are repeating the same experiences over and over. Lessons are repeated until they’re learned.

To get out of repeating the same mistakes, act courageously.

9. Heal faster

In psychology, the amount of time it takes to heal from a negative emotional reaction or state, is called a refractory period.

Sometimes, when we go through a hard experience, the refractory period extends for weeks, months, or even years to decades.

When we have a refractory period this long, we are caught up in the same story.

You can know if you are caught in a refractory period when something bad happens, and you continue to blame your present circumstances on that past thing, whatever it is.

Successful people shrink this period far more than most.

10. Become antifragile

“Antifragility is beyond resilience or robustness. The resilient resists shocks and stays the same; the antifragile gets better.” — Nassim Taleb, Antifragile

If you want to do any form of deep work, you have to become “antifragile.”

If you want to overcome obstacles, you have to become antifragile.

If you want to become successful, you have to become antifragile.

Antifragility is learning how to respond rather than react. This is also very similar to “psychological flexibility.”

Becoming psychologically flexible means that you can handle difficult emotions without being destroyed by them.

This applies across your entire life. Emotional development = spiritual development.

Instead, you’re like an elastic. You can be stretched, handle difficult emotions, handle difficult situations, move forward thoughtfully asnd powerfully.

You observe yourself rather than becoming reactive.

11. See time opposite from the norm

It’s not your past that determines your present. It’s always your present that determines the meaning of your past.

Our memories are not a retrieval mechanism, they’re a reconstruction. During the present, you shape and proactively determine the meaning of the past.

The more you take agency of your own life, the more you frame your past in a way that empowers you rather than disables you.

When going through something challenging, you’ll approach it, and proactively shape the meaning of it in such a way that you’re more grateful for it.

When you do this, you’re turning your past into an asset rather than a liability.

Your future determines the meaning of the present and your present determines the meaning of your past.

12. Change the words you tell yourself

“Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, it becomes your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” — Unknown

Language is huge. Language is the level after thoughts and emotions.

Mastering your language is learning how to speak success into existence.

You can get very powerful at using words.

Speak in such a way that your words create the success you want.

You can use your language to create positive emotions.

You can use your language to create great experiences.

Your words are powerful, so use them in a powerful way.

When you catch yourself speaking in a low, negative way, change it. It’s your words that are actually shaping largely your experience.

Your words shape your experience and your perception. Use words to create the life you want and use words to create the day you want.

13. Journal every single day

Journaling is written language and written words.

Journaling is actively writing your thoughts down on paper and expressing your emotions.

Journaling is crucial to mental development, emotional development, creativity, imagination and more.

Successful people journal.

14. Re-write your ‘default’ future

“Once we learn language, we can never again see the world without its influence.” — Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan, The Three Laws of Performance

In the book The Three Laws of Performance, the authors make the case that our language is actually what shapes our view of our future.

They call it the “default future.”

If you really listen to the language of most people, you’ll learn something fascinating. Most people’s language is very complaining, and you can see in their thoughts, feelings, and what they’re focused on. You can see that their language is disabling them, rather than enabling them.

Your language is what shapes your life, your views, your story, your energy, and your emotions.

One of my favorite psychologists, BJ Fogg, wrote a great book called Tiny Habits. In the book, he shares a daily habit that he calls the Maui habit.

When he gets out of bed, every time he puts his feet on the floor, he says, “It’s going to be a great day.” He does this every single day. He’s combined these two habits of feet hitting the floor and saying, “It’s going to be a great day,” so that it’s automatic.

By doing so, he’s priming himself and prepping himself for his day to be framed in a positive way. Your language shapes your selective attention. When BJ hits the floor and says, “It’s going to be a great day,” his mind begins looking for evidence of that, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can use language to create a great day, positive success, positive environments, and to fix problems. You re-write your default future by using words to shape it.

15. Say “thank you,” “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” often

The most powerful words in life are “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” and “thank you.” Use these as much as possible.

We all make mistakes. Say you’re sorry. You don’t have to have pride or ego.

Say “I love you” and ultimately say “thank you.” Thank you goes a really long way.

16. Change your story

Your identity is the story that you’re living out as a person. This is one of the most fundamental truths about life, success, and psychology.

As people, we are all living out a story.

There’s a broad story we all have about the meaning of life as a whole, but there’s also a more specific story as to whether we and each of the people we know are heroes or villains. We have stories about other people, whether they’re in our life now or people from the past.

You have a story about reality and the very meaning of life itself.

I have a story. I believe in God. I believe we lived with God before we came here. We chose to come here. This life is essentially education, and we get to continue after this life.

You also live through the story of your identity. Your identity is how you frame yourself. It’s the story you have for yourself. It’s the narrative.

There’s an entire field of psychology on this called the theory of narrative identity. This fits with language, thoughts, emotions, and language. You have a story for your past, a story for your present, and a story for your future.

To evolve your identity, change the story. Change the frame and operate from your future self.

There’s a great quote on this that says that lessons are repeated until they’re learned.

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons, but lessons are repeated until they’re learned.

Most people would rather cling to their current view, story, and identity, rather than have that story shattered.

Changing your story means newness. Change. Openness to new ideas. Wisdom. Knowledge. Perspective.

Most people would rather hold onto the safety net, the security blanket, the comfort zone of their current story, their current ideas, and their current identity.

17. Raise your standards

Your standard is that which you say yes and no to, and the filter through which you live. You can know what your standards are by what you say yes to. We all have a standard, and that standard is your current life.

To change your life, change the standard. Your standard starts with commitment, fueled by courage. Courage comes after commitment.

It can be pretty intense to commit to a new standard, especially if it’s above anything you’ve ever done before. It means you’ve got to start saying no to things that are below your standard.

You’ve got to start saying no to things your past self said yes to, and start operating from your future self.

Let your future self be the standard.

18. Do the impossible, because nothing is

“You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.” — Deepak Chopra

Nothing is impossible. People who become successful have done it again and again.

In his book Unreasonable Success, Richard Koch details the lives of people who are not only successful, but unreasonably successful. These are people who have literally changed the course of the entire world.

Koch teaches that every one of these people had what he calls a “breakout success.”

This is something that opened up massive doors, something that was a seemingly impossible achievement.

You need your own breakthrough success. You need a breakthrough result in your life. You can’t just have it in your mind. Determine to achieve the impossible.

What seems impossible for you may be different than what seems impossible for someone else.

Growing up, I had a tough situation. I barely graduated from high school. For me, just getting to college, let alone graduating from a really good college and then getting into a Ph.D. program, would have been viewed as “impossible” if you had seen me in high school.

Accomplishing the impossible again and again comes from vision and faith. When your “why” is strong enough, you will find the “how.”

When you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

19. Find deep meaning in worthy goals

“What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task.” — Viktor Frankl

In the book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl teaches that a worthwhile goal gives life meaning.

It gives your life hope.

It gives you purpose.

It gives you resilience.

It gives you a reason to move forward.

20. Become comfortable being an outlier

“We must never be afraid to be a sign of contradiction for the world.” — Mother Teresa

You must accomplish stuff that makes you an outlier.

You can’t just put it on paper. It can’t just be in your head. You actually have to start creating unreasonable success.

Create impossible achievements, whatever that means to you. Realize that you will be very different from most people because of this.

It’s going to be relative to you, but over time, you will become an outlier, and you can achieve the impossible again and again.

I can attest to that. I’ve done it many times.

21. Strive to hit huge goals every 90-days

Even as a psychologist, I don’t believe in SMART goals. Yes, I believe goals should be specific, measurable, and time-bound. But I don’t think that they should be reasonable or realistic.

I think that anyone who is wildly successful understands this, and they don’t go for what is reasonable. Instead, they want to test their outer boundaries.

Every 90 days, I pursue impossible goals. A 90-day time frame is such a powerful amount of time to transform your life. You can go for goals that you think are impossible.

One of the benefits of going for something you think is impossible is that you don’t know how to do it. If you don’t know how to do it, you’re no longer operating from your past assumptions.

You also simplify the pathway to get there. If you’re going for linear progress, there are a thousand pathways there. For example, there’s a thousand ways to grow your income by 10%. There’s maybe one or two ways to grow your income by 10X.

Going for impossible goals forces you to be a lot more honest. It forces you to use the future as the filter, rather than letting the present dictate the future.

Conclusion: Good is the enemy of great

“Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great. We don’t have great schools, principally because we have good schools. We don’t have great government, principally because we have good government. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life.” — Jim Collins

There will be a million reasons, internal and external, not to go for what you most deeply want.

You can be “good” at a thousand things, but to be GREAT, you have to fully commit to that which you most want.

When you commit to greatness, you commit to a constant cycle of this.

You choose to create impossible, unreasonable results. What’s more, you choose to do it again and again and again.

You can’t just do it once and stop. Oftentimes, people will succeed once, and then that success, as Greg McKeown has taught, becomes the catalyst for future failures. This is because they become overconfident and complacent. They stop using the future as a tool.

Success is about being constantly true to your future self, your beliefs, and the purpose inside your heart.

It’s about aligning your thoughts, feelings, and knowledge, and ultimately reaching a place of knowing.

This is something to continuously work on. You can do something significant, and important. It’s a beautiful thing.

Go be successful.

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(These tools are based on my book Be Your Future Self now, which was recently the #1 book in Korea.)

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